22 august 2007
so i just got off a rough shift from work, with an even rougher weekend preceeding..
i went to alabama for tiffany's wedding. it wasn't so rough.. until saturday night.. when, while catching up with everyone, i saw that there was a new robert lee. and it's not that nick has a new robert lee in his life.. it's that judson is slowly taking my place in his family. i'm not gonna lie, it hurts. i guess it was expected. but it's rough. it's time for me to just go away. it's been time for a while, it just took this for me to see it. and i wanted to tell nick i was happy for him, i was glad he got up and flying while i was still struggling. and this time, he didn't rub my nose in it. anything i saw i was asking for.
this hurts as bad as the day i left. i just haven't cried yet. but i got it. i got my closure.. now i'm in my mourning/woest me stage. i'm a wreck. and i really shouldn't be. i really have no reason to be.
i see now, that i'm as guilty as, if not more than, nick. i blamed him because it made it so much easier for me. and now, i've made him out to be this horrid monster he isn't. and no matter what i say, or what i do, it doesn't change people perception. and that isn't fair.
i just know that he was what i wanted, and what i needed. and now, i wonder.. will i ever survive in a different relationship? or am i destined to spend the rest of my life alone. and that's okay. i'm okay with that. i just want to know if it's my own damned fault. and to this day i still steal away to the land of what might've been. but i try not to wish. wishing only wounds the heart.
what absolutley scares me is that now i might be that easily replaced.. that i haven't made the mark on people i wanted to...
the song that's been in my head? congratulations (blue october ft. imogen heap).
what will i do? i don't know yet.. but maybe one day i'll get over it..
i'm going to attempt to buy a vehicle tomorrow... we'll see how that goes.
i went to alabama for tiffany's wedding. it wasn't so rough.. until saturday night.. when, while catching up with everyone, i saw that there was a new robert lee. and it's not that nick has a new robert lee in his life.. it's that judson is slowly taking my place in his family. i'm not gonna lie, it hurts. i guess it was expected. but it's rough. it's time for me to just go away. it's been time for a while, it just took this for me to see it. and i wanted to tell nick i was happy for him, i was glad he got up and flying while i was still struggling. and this time, he didn't rub my nose in it. anything i saw i was asking for.
this hurts as bad as the day i left. i just haven't cried yet. but i got it. i got my closure.. now i'm in my mourning/woest me stage. i'm a wreck. and i really shouldn't be. i really have no reason to be.
i see now, that i'm as guilty as, if not more than, nick. i blamed him because it made it so much easier for me. and now, i've made him out to be this horrid monster he isn't. and no matter what i say, or what i do, it doesn't change people perception. and that isn't fair.
i just know that he was what i wanted, and what i needed. and now, i wonder.. will i ever survive in a different relationship? or am i destined to spend the rest of my life alone. and that's okay. i'm okay with that. i just want to know if it's my own damned fault. and to this day i still steal away to the land of what might've been. but i try not to wish. wishing only wounds the heart.
what absolutley scares me is that now i might be that easily replaced.. that i haven't made the mark on people i wanted to...
the song that's been in my head? congratulations (blue october ft. imogen heap).
what will i do? i don't know yet.. but maybe one day i'll get over it..
i'm going to attempt to buy a vehicle tomorrow... we'll see how that goes.