(no subject)
I spent the last six weeks in Peru. Now I'm sitting on my floor eating a handful of cheerios and sipping stale coffee while waiting for AAA to come jump start my car--- whole new world? I will probably write about Peru at some point-- it's a beautiful country, met some interesting folks, had lots and lots of quality time with my classmates (needless to say I haven't been in a big hurry to chat with people this weekend, enjoying the quiet and new music respectively). Lived in the Andes for two weeks (check for the life list), missed one of the worst MI winters in decades (my only win against seasonal affective disorder!), and am (vaguely) preparing for a return to reality and ob/gyn bright and early at 630 tomorrow morning. Also trying to deal with being displaced from Saginaw very shortly--- MSU has decided not to renew their contract here (without allowing us the luxury?? of finishing our last two months of 3rd yr, thanks guys) which means come July 1st it'll be time to move again. Maybe, actually it's still pretty unclear what they want to do with us... but that's another story, and another meeting, for another day.
You would think it would be getting easier to travel, not harder. I think I'm just sick of the short term--- 2 month rotations, 6 weeks international, 2 month rotations, new hospital/community on the horizon. Weirdly looking forward to Malawi as a chance to settle down, live in a house again, know my role/colleagues, learn the community (Was just starting to discover the ins and outs of Saginaw), learn the culture. Medicine is all about short term connections--- every patient- a conversation, some paperwork, a physical exam/labs, more paperwork, a diagnosis, paperwork, and then some drugs or a friendly pat on the head/go on your way. A lot of my classmates really like to analyze every move-- before, while it's being made, and then immediately after and I don't need that. I like change, I like not having a strict timeline--- fuzzy boxes around months for example reading Malawi, ob/gyn, residency. So much apprehension about making the wrong decision--- as if once you start residency you've been branded, banished to your specific layer of hell. Who are we to put a timeline on our life? Why can't be we just trust ourselves to make the right decisions as life presents itself? Or to change when those decisions aren't what we wanted after all? I've always thought changing/moving was the best way to combat myself--- sometimes it still seems that way. Other times it feels to much like running a marathon with no clear end point.
I used to fight with my mom all the time about where I was going next, including medical school. It is surprisingly not comforting to have a family more supportive of you quitting (still with a year.5 to go) than of you actually finishing the haul and becoming a doctor. I was told recently I only went to med school because it was the one thing I thought I couldn't pull off--- then he corrected himself, and said couldn't easily pull off. I was then reminded I'd always have a place to stay in his orchard or his mud house which was comforting in a way that only a hypothetical orchard with mud house can be. It reminded me that I'm lost all the time but haven't lost everything. That I hadn't dreamed up my past after all. These past few months have definitely become about letting myself be myself again. Letting myself go back to try to see what it was really like--- like a documentary film maker perhaps or like finding a roll of film in a drawer and not even being sure where to get film developed anymore or what that windowless dark room down the hall could possibly be used for.
It's probably time to make a change...
You would think it would be getting easier to travel, not harder. I think I'm just sick of the short term--- 2 month rotations, 6 weeks international, 2 month rotations, new hospital/community on the horizon. Weirdly looking forward to Malawi as a chance to settle down, live in a house again, know my role/colleagues, learn the community (Was just starting to discover the ins and outs of Saginaw), learn the culture. Medicine is all about short term connections--- every patient- a conversation, some paperwork, a physical exam/labs, more paperwork, a diagnosis, paperwork, and then some drugs or a friendly pat on the head/go on your way. A lot of my classmates really like to analyze every move-- before, while it's being made, and then immediately after and I don't need that. I like change, I like not having a strict timeline--- fuzzy boxes around months for example reading Malawi, ob/gyn, residency. So much apprehension about making the wrong decision--- as if once you start residency you've been branded, banished to your specific layer of hell. Who are we to put a timeline on our life? Why can't be we just trust ourselves to make the right decisions as life presents itself? Or to change when those decisions aren't what we wanted after all? I've always thought changing/moving was the best way to combat myself--- sometimes it still seems that way. Other times it feels to much like running a marathon with no clear end point.
I used to fight with my mom all the time about where I was going next, including medical school. It is surprisingly not comforting to have a family more supportive of you quitting (still with a year.5 to go) than of you actually finishing the haul and becoming a doctor. I was told recently I only went to med school because it was the one thing I thought I couldn't pull off--- then he corrected himself, and said couldn't easily pull off. I was then reminded I'd always have a place to stay in his orchard or his mud house which was comforting in a way that only a hypothetical orchard with mud house can be. It reminded me that I'm lost all the time but haven't lost everything. That I hadn't dreamed up my past after all. These past few months have definitely become about letting myself be myself again. Letting myself go back to try to see what it was really like--- like a documentary film maker perhaps or like finding a roll of film in a drawer and not even being sure where to get film developed anymore or what that windowless dark room down the hall could possibly be used for.
It's probably time to make a change...