If you're afraid of a fight then you deserve everything you get, because guess what, Rachel? It happens. It's supposed to happen. Fighting is normal. Fighting is healthy. It's how things get resolved. Did you and Jesse ever actually fight? Or did you just cry and kiss and cuddle and fuck and then go on like something had been accomplished?
You're right, it does suck for you that your pride got in the way. Actually, I wouldn't even say it was your pride that was the issue. It was your goddamn hormones. You want to treat your boyfriend like he's the most important thing in the world? Super. You want to put getting back together with him over promises you make to your friends? Mazel tov. You want to put a relationship with a boy over getting your life back together? You're a fucking idiot. Because he's not your life and should never be your life. Not at fifteen, idiot
( ... )
Re: Privaterberry_starDecember 13 2010, 07:03:07 UTC
Me and Jesse do fight. We have fought a lot. Not as much as we used to, but we have gotten into some bad fights. And yeah, a lot of the time after we fight and work it out it ends up in kisses because we have a rule to never go to bed angry with each other.
Jesse is not before me getting my life back together. But he is apart of it. I'm sorry I didn't fill my promise to you, it was not my intent to go back on my word.
Jesse never, ever comes before Kaylee. I just want to make sure you understand as important as he is, there are people... more. I would drop anything for Quinn and Kaylee. Anything. And Finn is my best friend, he also comes before most things.
I cared a LOT about everyone who was there. Jesse did not take priority. Me getting myself together did. And yes, I wanted him back. That happened... but we went into that evening knowing we were either going to be broken up for good, or fix it.
I'm not breaking away from him to please you. I'm trying to set up healthy boundaries in our relationship. He's making friends and I
( ... )
You don't get it, Rachel. You're fifteen. You act like he's the only thing you can see. Do you tell your therapist that? That you can't even handle being without him for a week? That he broke up with you to give you space but then fucked you, what, seven days later? No, that's not healthy, that's not normal, that's not romantic and passionate and loving, it's fucking sad and pathetic. How many times did it even happen? Because I'm willing to bet that it was more than the one time you told me about. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit, and it's one you didn't even try to break.
You might not think so, but you're a goddamn idiot for being with someone when you can't even take a fucking two week break from them when you need to. Until you understand that and realize that that's your issue while you have scars on your stomach, I can't do anything and I'm sure as hell not going to stand by and feel useless and ignored while you live in your little fantasy. I probably am good for you, but he's not. Not if you can't break out of his
( ... )
Re: Privaterberry_starDecember 14 2010, 06:16:01 UTC
Honestly...
it sounds like you're saying at this point the only way you would be friends with me would be if I leave Jesse. There is no way for you to believe me that he is not the center of my world. Even though I have said over and over he's not and I'm working hard to keep him from being like that again.
I get what you're saying Santana. We shouldn't have been as close those few weeks as we were. But I can't change what has happened in the past.
My beacon of life and all that is good in the world is Kaylee, not Jesse. She is the reason I had to get better, because I was not going to risk losing her.
And because I don't want to die or hurt or be in pain anymore. I'm tired of feeling that way. I want to be BETTER.
Well, then congrats to you. You have Kaylee and you and Jesse are right as rain. Again, what purpose am I to serve? I've said everything I can and you brush it off like you think I'm pulling this all out of thin air, so it seems like you have your life pretty together.
I'm being honest and upfront now and you either don't want to hear it or don't care to believe it. And you're the one saying your life's totally back on track, especially with Jesse. I disagree, you don't care.
I don't know what more you want from me, Rachel? Jesse let you cut open your stomach and not get help for it, he dumped you to give you space to figure things out, he didn't have the goddamn decency to push you away when you came crawling back to him, you guys were fine two weeks later. I tried to be there for you, you went to Jesse.
God, Rachel, you told me that you had to get better so you two could be together. Do you not see how fucked up that is? Not so you could be happy and healthy, but so that you guys to be together. Do you remember you telling me that? Because I do. I bit my tongue and I did it again after you slept with him, but I'm not going to anymore because it's bullshit. And if you don't wanna hear that, then you're looking in the wrong place for a friend.
Re: Privaterberry_starDecember 14 2010, 07:05:59 UTC
I just don't think me and Jesse need to be broken up, and you seem to think we do.
And of course I went to Jesse. He's always been there for me, and you have not. You have a habit of NOT being there for me, so getting used to you being there was new. Not that I didn't love it, cause I did and do, and that's why I'm trying to figure this out because I want us to be there for each other. But it is taking time.
I said that, and then I got over that. I got better for ME. I DO see how fucked up that is, which is why I STOPPED looking at it that way.
Of course not, because god forbid you and Jesse should be broken up, because there's no other in reason in life to get better than to get back together with your boyfriend. It wasn't that beautiful little baby you were obsessing over, it wasn't your own self-worth, it was him. You and Jesse were broken up, and you couldn't even use that as a goddamn opportunity to reevaluate your life and the fucking scars on your stomach. All you could focus on was that you needed to get better so you could be with him again, which was total bullshit since you guys weren't even apart when you were broken up
( ... )
Re: Privaterberry_starDecember 14 2010, 07:52:11 UTC
You don't listen to a word a say. At all.
Okay, you want to know the truth? I'm not okay. I'm not. I still want to hurt myself. But I tell my dads now when i do.
I wish I could call you, but you've made it clear you don't want me to.
When me and Jesse got back together, it's because I told him either we got back together and stopped doing this half ass thing anymore, or we were done for good. I wouldn't sleep with him anymore or be in half a relationship. I needed all or nothing, the middle part was messing with me. We talked it out and decided we weren't ready to be done, and to try again. Because being with him was better for me then that inbetween thing. He's done everything I needed him to do since that. He's hung out with other people, making friends.
He even makes sure I'm telling my dads everything. He doesn't let anything go. At all.
Uh, yeah, that middle part thing you were talking about should have been a goddamn indication that there shouldn't have been a middle part while you're going to intensive therapy for self-mutilation, not just a "I won't sleep with you anymore, so we better make it official again" thing. There should have been a Rachel&Jesse until you could be just Rachel, but you can't do that Rachel. You crave the attention he gives you and that void he fills so much that you're content with letting there be a void for him to fill. That's not you being you, that's you being Rachel&Jesse.
You made it clear that you didn't want to call me, you only wanted to get back together with Jesse, and now that you have why isn't that enough. You shut me out for your perfect boyfriend, so what, exactly, do you want from me now if you didn't want me when you "needed" me? For me to sit here and tell you more stuff you don't want to hear so you can ignore it? Because I don't see much point in that.
Re: Privaterberry_starDecember 14 2010, 08:11:02 UTC
When did I make that clear? When I DID call you? Or when I was okay enough for those few weeks where I didn't have any nights when I thought I was going to slice myself open? Or that one night where I called Quinn instead? Again, none of which had anything to do with Jesse.
Yeah, maybe there is a void in my life and maybe he helps fill it, but it does not completely fill anything. And over the last year that void has been healing and closing up on it's own. Quinn, Kaylee, Finn, Jesse, YOU, Glee... all of that has been helping me.
But the thing that helps me most is working my ass off in glee every week so that i can get where I want when I live this shit cow town. That has always been the thing that drives me. At first it was just mean, but now it's getting me, Quinn and Kaylee to New York City.
And how many of those nights were spent thinking about how Jesse wasn't there? You talked to me twice pretty much the whole month of November, so where does this sudden need for me come into play? I was the one the one who was there for you, you didn't want me, so what am I supposed to feel Rachel? That now that you have Jesse and your life's all back on track that there's a sudden need for me
( ... )
Re: Privaterberry_starDecember 14 2010, 08:29:22 UTC
It's not like you called me either, Santana. You could have contacted me. I don't get all the blame here.
And everything I do it intense. I have daughter that I have nothing to do with the conception of. I'm a MOTHER at 15 and that doesn't seem to bother you. Just that what? Me and Jesse have sex? Seriously?
Fine, I'll bring it up with my therapist. I'll see what she says.
You want me to break up with Jesse, which I am not willing to do right now. So, if that is not listening to you, then I guess I'm not.
I was trying to respect your boundaries and space, which is why I told you to call me, and when you did, I came running. Then you didn't even attempt to contact me.
And there's a bit of a difference in falling in love with someone and connecting with their daughter and "marking up a boy so he remembers you later" kind of sex, Rachel. You don't even understand where I'm coming from with all this, and I've practically shouted it to your face, and you're brushing it off, so clearly you see nothing wrong and that's all that matters to you.
You're right, it does suck for you that your pride got in the way. Actually, I wouldn't even say it was your pride that was the issue. It was your goddamn hormones. You want to treat your boyfriend like he's the most important thing in the world? Super. You want to put getting back together with him over promises you make to your friends? Mazel tov. You want to put a relationship with a boy over getting your life back together? You're a fucking idiot. Because he's not your life and should never be your life. Not at fifteen, idiot ( ... )
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Jesse is not before me getting my life back together. But he is apart of it. I'm sorry I didn't fill my promise to you, it was not my intent to go back on my word.
Jesse never, ever comes before Kaylee. I just want to make sure you understand as important as he is, there are people... more. I would drop anything for Quinn and Kaylee. Anything. And Finn is my best friend, he also comes before most things.
I cared a LOT about everyone who was there. Jesse did not take priority. Me getting myself together did. And yes, I wanted him back. That happened... but we went into that evening knowing we were either going to be broken up for good, or fix it.
I'm not breaking away from him to please you. I'm trying to set up healthy boundaries in our relationship. He's making friends and I ( ... )
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You might not think so, but you're a goddamn idiot for being with someone when you can't even take a fucking two week break from them when you need to. Until you understand that and realize that that's your issue while you have scars on your stomach, I can't do anything and I'm sure as hell not going to stand by and feel useless and ignored while you live in your little fantasy. I probably am good for you, but he's not. Not if you can't break out of his ( ... )
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it sounds like you're saying at this point the only way you would be friends with me would be if I leave Jesse. There is no way for you to believe me that he is not the center of my world. Even though I have said over and over he's not and I'm working hard to keep him from being like that again.
I get what you're saying Santana. We shouldn't have been as close those few weeks as we were. But I can't change what has happened in the past.
My beacon of life and all that is good in the world is Kaylee, not Jesse. She is the reason I had to get better, because I was not going to risk losing her.
And because I don't want to die or hurt or be in pain anymore. I'm tired of feeling that way. I want to be BETTER.
And I do feel better, most of the time.
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But if it needs one, the purpose you would serve would to be one of the few people in my life who is always honest and upfront.
And yeah, I guess from the outside it looks pretty together.
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I don't know what more you want from me, Rachel? Jesse let you cut open your stomach and not get help for it, he dumped you to give you space to figure things out, he didn't have the goddamn decency to push you away when you came crawling back to him, you guys were fine two weeks later. I tried to be there for you, you went to Jesse.
God, Rachel, you told me that you had to get better so you two could be together. Do you not see how fucked up that is? Not so you could be happy and healthy, but so that you guys to be together. Do you remember you telling me that? Because I do. I bit my tongue and I did it again after you slept with him, but I'm not going to anymore because it's bullshit. And if you don't wanna hear that, then you're looking in the wrong place for a friend.
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And of course I went to Jesse. He's always been there for me, and you have not. You have a habit of NOT being there for me, so getting used to you being there was new. Not that I didn't love it, cause I did and do, and that's why I'm trying to figure this out because I want us to be there for each other. But it is taking time.
I said that, and then I got over that. I got better for ME. I DO see how fucked up that is, which is why I STOPPED looking at it that way.
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Okay, you want to know the truth? I'm not okay. I'm not. I still want to hurt myself. But I tell my dads now when i do.
I wish I could call you, but you've made it clear you don't want me to.
When me and Jesse got back together, it's because I told him either we got back together and stopped doing this half ass thing anymore, or we were done for good. I wouldn't sleep with him anymore or be in half a relationship. I needed all or nothing, the middle part was messing with me. We talked it out and decided we weren't ready to be done, and to try again. Because being with him was better for me then that inbetween thing. He's done everything I needed him to do since that. He's hung out with other people, making friends.
He even makes sure I'm telling my dads everything. He doesn't let anything go. At all.
You're not bad for me Santana.
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You made it clear that you didn't want to call me, you only wanted to get back together with Jesse, and now that you have why isn't that enough. You shut me out for your perfect boyfriend, so what, exactly, do you want from me now if you didn't want me when you "needed" me? For me to sit here and tell you more stuff you don't want to hear so you can ignore it? Because I don't see much point in that.
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Yeah, maybe there is a void in my life and maybe he helps fill it, but it does not completely fill anything. And over the last year that void has been healing and closing up on it's own. Quinn, Kaylee, Finn, Jesse, YOU, Glee... all of that has been helping me.
But the thing that helps me most is working my ass off in glee every week so that i can get where I want when I live this shit cow town. That has always been the thing that drives me. At first it was just mean, but now it's getting me, Quinn and Kaylee to New York City.
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And everything I do it intense. I have daughter that I have nothing to do with the conception of. I'm a MOTHER at 15 and that doesn't seem to bother you. Just that what? Me and Jesse have sex? Seriously?
Fine, I'll bring it up with my therapist. I'll see what she says.
You want me to break up with Jesse, which I am not willing to do right now. So, if that is not listening to you, then I guess I'm not.
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And there's a bit of a difference in falling in love with someone and connecting with their daughter and "marking up a boy so he remembers you later" kind of sex, Rachel. You don't even understand where I'm coming from with all this, and I've practically shouted it to your face, and you're brushing it off, so clearly you see nothing wrong and that's all that matters to you.
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And you don't know much about me and Quinn's sex, so maybe you shouldn't guess how it compared with me and Jesse.
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