(no subject)
It’s coming up on the 2nd year since we’ve lost my Dad and a lot of his memories are flooding back and I can’t help but feel a bit guilty. Looking back, the last time I saw my Dad I believe was at my nieces 8th birthday party - which was 1 ½ months before he died. I did try and get back as often as I could to see him and my Mom on the family farm, but I know I could of done more. Yes I live 2 hours away and I was making a new life near the big city - but I often wonder how many times I was just too tired or busy to go home and see my folks. I have many fond memories of him, his strength, our regular summer Sunday afternoon family outings, going to the plowing match with him etc. The most recent was the last Christmas we had him. Our tradition is to go out and drive around the neighbourhoods to look at all the lights, which is usually after Christmas Eve service. I can’t remember if we went to the service or not, but I do remember my Mom staying home because she knew Dad wanted to go around and see as many lights as possible. We were out for a good two hours, driving down old places we used to see lots of lights, old neighbourhoods, the new ones etc. Talking and getting along as we do, not always about the twinkling lights. I remember him mentioning that we need to take Mom out after he is no longer there, and that I need to be happy too (in relation to me coming out to him earlier that year - and letting them know Shawn was my boyfriend). In hindsight it was his way of saying good-bye I guess, as it was the last significant conversation or time together we had before he died.
I sit here know wondering if I did enough for him, spent enough time and I am getting slightly emotional remembering all the great family and father-son times we had over my lifetime. He did everything for us kids, was always there for us, provided a stable home life, and taught us so much being a working farm family. Dad never got to travel to much as he was tied to the farm, but he enjoyed the life nonetheless, and wouldn’t want it any other way. He was from the old school, loved the community gatherings for farm auctions, church picnics, visiting friends, touring the fairs and loved the antique tractors part of any exibit/fair. He was thrilled with his family and would absolutely beam around his grandkids. Dad always taught me to live every day honestly, and to live life with no regrets. He mentioned that there are many things you can do differently, but once something is done-- it is done, and you have to live with that good or bad. How you deal with life is what makes you who you are, and living life while keeping your integrity makes you a better person regardless of your stature in it. He was a wise man and I miss him dearly. I know he is proud of me as I heard from many friends at his funeral how he would boast about me, living or working in the big city. He wasn’t sure exactly what I did, just some computer thing - but that never made him any less proud.
There are many things I have learned from him, and I hope I always make him proud at whatever I do. The fact that I can smile at the end of the day and say I gave it everything I had is just what his son should do.