just hold on, another day
(i wrote this last night and posted it in my myspace blog. i wanted to keep it here too.)
those of you who know me (like REALLY know me) know that i'm not a big fan of christmas. it's lost something since my father passed and my family started to change. i usually dread this time of year, and this year was no different. luckily however, this christmas wasn't as bad as i had thought it was going to be.
driving home from my aunt's tonight, in a rain blurred sea of red tail lights, i began to assess where i've been and what i've learned over the past two days. i'm pretty damn glad to say that i've walked away from this whole experience a better person, complete with knowledge stored up in my pocket for the next rain blurred holiday ride home. here's what i've gathered thusfar:
- i'm at a point in my life where i'm more than comfortable running errands at 9am in the morning wearing plaid pajama bottoms, a grey sweatshirt, no make-up, and my hair thrown up in a bun. did i look like i belonged on the cover of vogue? of course not. but did i get the job done...and did people still smile at me and treat me well? yeah. and who knows...that look worked for mayer in "comfortable." maybe my prince is waiting for me to waltz into his life wearing old navy plaid. who knows.
- going to visit my father's grave isn't the hard part. it's turning around and walking back to my car that kills me.
- my brother's happy. and she's not so bad. i need to get over myself.
- hest references are 3 points each. knowingly using a hest reference is actually a double word score, unless it's a weekday or the 3rd saturday in lent. then it's a triple. some people need to brush up on their NCAA Hestball rules and regs. (that will be funny to only one person in the world...and that's exactly what i intended).
- there's no such thing as loving someone too much or caring about them too much. but some people can't handle all that heart. and that's ok. the trick is to keep loving and caring, just don't advertise so they don't get all freaked out. i'm not good at that though. i have to learn to calm the hell down.
- it's going to be tough for me to calm the hell down. it's part of my nature...it's intrinsic in the whole teacher/nurturer/den mother thing i have going on. when i believe in someone, and love and care about them, the teacher/cheerleader/counselor in me makes me want to let them know. it comes naturally and is a hard skill to shut off.
- "nagging" has a very negative connotation. maybe it should be replaced with "persistent"... or something.
- 6 little letters can make me smile at the end of something that could have been very ugly.
- mass text messages aren't so bad. i'm surprised that i'm not bothered to be one on a "mass"ive list. but instead of thinking of it as being one of many...i'm kinda happy that i'm on the list to begin with.
- i really love hanging out with my cousins. now that we're all grown up, it's like hanging out with friends. love it.
- my mom makes amazing spinach dip.
- my family is loud, dysfunctional, opinionated, overbearing, immature and i love every single one of them.
- sugar is not good for me. at all. not even in small doses. my heart was racing. it felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. quite scary actually. and it didn't go away. TWO HOURS...it lasted two hours.
- the amount of weight i've lost so far = my cousin allison. FREAKY.
- i'm never going to spoil my children. varuca salt, in the flesh, is NOT someone i want to have around. and yet, some people have fallen into that trap...and have raised little monsters.
- the most peace i've felt in the past 6 months, was laying on the couch with liam sleeping on my chest. the fact that he felt so comfortable and safe with me, made me feel comfortable and safe for the first time in a long time. with everything in my life so up-in-the-air and changable...the time i spent with him...just being...while the entire world went on around us at a frantic and busy pace (football game yelling, new toys running, teenage girls chattering)...was amazing. time stood still and i had an opportunity to realize what really mattered. life. living. loving. learning. growing. realizing that no matter where we are, or what stage we're in...there's still opportunity staring us down. there's still a world waiting for us. it's just a matter of realizing what we need to do, and where we want to go...and then leaving the comfort and safety of the place in which we've come to rest. liam's still sleeping. he fell asleep and is probably out for the night. i, on the other hand, am wide awake. and that's a pretty exciting thing.
- there are some people in my life who are in and around every now and again. and no matter how distant or removed they seem to be, we always pick right up where we left off the last time. no matter how random or sporadic we are in our communications, things just always seem to go well. case in point, my random broken alphabet h20 im convo. silly. random. but nice.
- i love how i look at things now. i've never been this positive and this excited about living. i'm in a good place...for now.
those of you who know me (like REALLY know me) know that i'm not a big fan of christmas. it's lost something since my father passed and my family started to change. i usually dread this time of year, and this year was no different. luckily however, this christmas wasn't as bad as i had thought it was going to be.
driving home from my aunt's tonight, in a rain blurred sea of red tail lights, i began to assess where i've been and what i've learned over the past two days. i'm pretty damn glad to say that i've walked away from this whole experience a better person, complete with knowledge stored up in my pocket for the next rain blurred holiday ride home. here's what i've gathered thusfar:
- i'm at a point in my life where i'm more than comfortable running errands at 9am in the morning wearing plaid pajama bottoms, a grey sweatshirt, no make-up, and my hair thrown up in a bun. did i look like i belonged on the cover of vogue? of course not. but did i get the job done...and did people still smile at me and treat me well? yeah. and who knows...that look worked for mayer in "comfortable." maybe my prince is waiting for me to waltz into his life wearing old navy plaid. who knows.
- going to visit my father's grave isn't the hard part. it's turning around and walking back to my car that kills me.
- my brother's happy. and she's not so bad. i need to get over myself.
- hest references are 3 points each. knowingly using a hest reference is actually a double word score, unless it's a weekday or the 3rd saturday in lent. then it's a triple. some people need to brush up on their NCAA Hestball rules and regs. (that will be funny to only one person in the world...and that's exactly what i intended).
- there's no such thing as loving someone too much or caring about them too much. but some people can't handle all that heart. and that's ok. the trick is to keep loving and caring, just don't advertise so they don't get all freaked out. i'm not good at that though. i have to learn to calm the hell down.
- it's going to be tough for me to calm the hell down. it's part of my nature...it's intrinsic in the whole teacher/nurturer/den mother thing i have going on. when i believe in someone, and love and care about them, the teacher/cheerleader/counselor in me makes me want to let them know. it comes naturally and is a hard skill to shut off.
- "nagging" has a very negative connotation. maybe it should be replaced with "persistent"... or something.
- 6 little letters can make me smile at the end of something that could have been very ugly.
- mass text messages aren't so bad. i'm surprised that i'm not bothered to be one on a "mass"ive list. but instead of thinking of it as being one of many...i'm kinda happy that i'm on the list to begin with.
- i really love hanging out with my cousins. now that we're all grown up, it's like hanging out with friends. love it.
- my mom makes amazing spinach dip.
- my family is loud, dysfunctional, opinionated, overbearing, immature and i love every single one of them.
- sugar is not good for me. at all. not even in small doses. my heart was racing. it felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. quite scary actually. and it didn't go away. TWO HOURS...it lasted two hours.
- the amount of weight i've lost so far = my cousin allison. FREAKY.
- i'm never going to spoil my children. varuca salt, in the flesh, is NOT someone i want to have around. and yet, some people have fallen into that trap...and have raised little monsters.
- the most peace i've felt in the past 6 months, was laying on the couch with liam sleeping on my chest. the fact that he felt so comfortable and safe with me, made me feel comfortable and safe for the first time in a long time. with everything in my life so up-in-the-air and changable...the time i spent with him...just being...while the entire world went on around us at a frantic and busy pace (football game yelling, new toys running, teenage girls chattering)...was amazing. time stood still and i had an opportunity to realize what really mattered. life. living. loving. learning. growing. realizing that no matter where we are, or what stage we're in...there's still opportunity staring us down. there's still a world waiting for us. it's just a matter of realizing what we need to do, and where we want to go...and then leaving the comfort and safety of the place in which we've come to rest. liam's still sleeping. he fell asleep and is probably out for the night. i, on the other hand, am wide awake. and that's a pretty exciting thing.
- there are some people in my life who are in and around every now and again. and no matter how distant or removed they seem to be, we always pick right up where we left off the last time. no matter how random or sporadic we are in our communications, things just always seem to go well. case in point, my random broken alphabet h20 im convo. silly. random. but nice.
- i love how i look at things now. i've never been this positive and this excited about living. i'm in a good place...for now.