"I wanna be picked up held tight and kissed."
Wow.. Just glanced at the list of tags to the left of my page. It's pretty insane how my life has completely changed from what it used to be. As an update from the previous post (discussed between the two of us as recent as last night) my marriage is over. Great job, me! I'll be proceeding to my next duty station alone and he will be returning to California. He has been such a great friend and has been an intimate part of my life for so long it's difficult to let it go. At the same time, as I explained to him, agreeing to stay would also be agreeing to let all of my hopes and dreams go. For the few who read this that haven't been in touch to know the details: I married a man that was active duty marine corps. When he enlistment ended at 4 years he decided he wanted nothing else from life. A year passed, I stayed hopeful and supportive with the occasional "you must get a job and stop mooching off of my mother" discussion. When it showed no hope of improving I went where probably any marine spouse would go. I went to the marines. They heard the current status and explained that I couldn't fix him thus directing me to the Air Force recruiter. I signed up when I was 17 but backed out. But there I was again. I signed up for 4 years active duty. My ship date of June 15th 2010 came in and I was set. At that point he was literally living in a closet playing World of Warcraft every second that he wasn't asleep. Right before boot camp I flipped my shit and we separated. I thought it would be enough to wake him. He went to Cali and I went to basic. Basic in general was bad for us. Bad phone calls grouped with bad letters. He made it clear that my phone calls took a back seat to hanging out with his friends, watching movies or playing on the computer. Still, he came to see me at my graduation. My memory is terrible sometimes but I remember being at the riverwalk in downtown San Antonio and crying. I asked him to "Please just be nice to me this weekend." I say my memory is terrible because I don't remember what exactly prompted it I just remember all the hours prior to that and him being pretty nasty to me.
After graduation, we went off to San Angelo and set up a home here. Immediately upon arriving here things were not OK. He didn't plan on getting a job, he couldn't get in school and he needed money. When I would get upset about him needing money he would always tell me that he was fine before and that he spent it all coming to see me. Always broke and always my fault. I had earned 6 grand while I was in basic. In a matter of two months all of it was gone. Paying speeding tickets, lapsed car insurance, hotel bills ($800), etc. His point? Well you wouldn't have that money if it wasn't for me anyways. So it was mostly spent pulling him out of the hole he was in. The rest was spent on setting up our house. Anyhoo, I got sidetracked. Things here were the same as in Memphis. I work 12-14 hour days and come home to a man stretched out on the sofa watching TV with his hand down his pants. The house is a wreck and I'm already on edge. I've passed my point.
Last night he was upset and asked if he could be my hero again. I said it's too late, I'm already gone.
And that's it.
I'm getting older. I'm tired. I see games being played, I recognize them and I actively decide to not get involved. I understand now the importance of me listening to a man's music and how he should be able to tolerate mine, even if it's sandpaper to his ear drums. I have learned the artful ways of recognizing something that should be allowed to become a battle and recognizing when something should roll like water off a duck's back. Battles shouldn't be made from those droplets. But they are. Why? A sad face, a hopeful heart and a comment made to echo the movie being watched of "We never started." Have my back. Look at the obstacle as my partner not a separate entity. Look at me with understanding. Tell me you love me and that we are going to fix that. In just a little time everything will be alright. Until then, we have now, and I love you more than words can capture. Instead, damnation. I can't win for losing. Every day is great until that moment when the words fall out of my mouth in a pattern that is so entirely unforgivable that it must be brought to the table. Once, twice, I understand the occasional catastrophic fuck up on my behalf. I can honestly say that there has only been one. A comparison. Poorly stated, poorly done and should never have happened in the first place. My heart aches over that one. The rest? Droplets. A gentle conversation and a few steps forward. Partners facing things together, not separate entities. Learn from things, fix the broken pieces and make a piece of artwork no one can come close to. That is what I am after. I am after that piece of work that others see and are left awestruck. It is in me to make it. Yet here I sit. A separate entity. Damn I suck at this.
After graduation, we went off to San Angelo and set up a home here. Immediately upon arriving here things were not OK. He didn't plan on getting a job, he couldn't get in school and he needed money. When I would get upset about him needing money he would always tell me that he was fine before and that he spent it all coming to see me. Always broke and always my fault. I had earned 6 grand while I was in basic. In a matter of two months all of it was gone. Paying speeding tickets, lapsed car insurance, hotel bills ($800), etc. His point? Well you wouldn't have that money if it wasn't for me anyways. So it was mostly spent pulling him out of the hole he was in. The rest was spent on setting up our house. Anyhoo, I got sidetracked. Things here were the same as in Memphis. I work 12-14 hour days and come home to a man stretched out on the sofa watching TV with his hand down his pants. The house is a wreck and I'm already on edge. I've passed my point.
Last night he was upset and asked if he could be my hero again. I said it's too late, I'm already gone.
And that's it.
I'm getting older. I'm tired. I see games being played, I recognize them and I actively decide to not get involved. I understand now the importance of me listening to a man's music and how he should be able to tolerate mine, even if it's sandpaper to his ear drums. I have learned the artful ways of recognizing something that should be allowed to become a battle and recognizing when something should roll like water off a duck's back. Battles shouldn't be made from those droplets. But they are. Why? A sad face, a hopeful heart and a comment made to echo the movie being watched of "We never started." Have my back. Look at the obstacle as my partner not a separate entity. Look at me with understanding. Tell me you love me and that we are going to fix that. In just a little time everything will be alright. Until then, we have now, and I love you more than words can capture. Instead, damnation. I can't win for losing. Every day is great until that moment when the words fall out of my mouth in a pattern that is so entirely unforgivable that it must be brought to the table. Once, twice, I understand the occasional catastrophic fuck up on my behalf. I can honestly say that there has only been one. A comparison. Poorly stated, poorly done and should never have happened in the first place. My heart aches over that one. The rest? Droplets. A gentle conversation and a few steps forward. Partners facing things together, not separate entities. Learn from things, fix the broken pieces and make a piece of artwork no one can come close to. That is what I am after. I am after that piece of work that others see and are left awestruck. It is in me to make it. Yet here I sit. A separate entity. Damn I suck at this.