Holy Shit
I cannot believe I was able to log into my LiveJournal Account from when I was 15 years old. Didn't think this existed anymore - a fleeting memory like Myspace or Photobucket. Good lord I was horrible at typing. Reading the memories of my younger self was a big palm to the face. Maybe something to show my therapist lol. I'm now 32 going on 33 years old next month. Sometimes I still feel like the younger version of myself; wanting validation and love from others yet no matter how much I get, I still feel so utterly alone. I suppose that's why I tried looking for an outlet - somewhere I can go to let some stress out. So here it is, my first journey entry in 18 years:
I suppose an update is in order. I did end up moving down to Florida after high school, however briefly. I went to Broward Community College to study law. I coincidentally knew Todd who was in my New Visions Business and Media Communications class who had also moved down there to go to Nova University; only a few blocks away from my school. Florida was bat shit crazy. I did get a EA position, and worked for a very nice Judge who got me out of jail. I met a girl at the mall who was lost. Her and I went to clubs, partied a lot, and worked on the strip in Miami. Think Jersey Shore. Some crazy shit went down and I ended up getting followed by some bad people. Fearing for my safety, I drove home in my Lincoln Continental by myself from FL to NY at the age of 17.
After that I met a boy named Chad online. One of those sites I'm sure doesn't exist anymore. I moved up to Pulaski, NY for several years. We broke up after a year or so because he was a giant dick. At one point my grandmother had a helicopter out looking for me because they thought he had killed me. That was the night I met Brandon - also online. He hid in the cupboard like a little bitch when Chad came knocking on my haunted apartment above the Verizon store. I should have known then that I was just jumping from one giant dick to another, much smaller, dick but nonetheless - I was young, absolutely in love with Brandon, and ended up moving out to Syracuse. We were on and off again for about 5 years but I finally ended things when he got me pregnant, told me he was going to take my child away from me, and I ended up getting an abortion.
At around age 20, I got my first real apartment by myself right next to the Wegmans. I was friends with Kate and DJ at the time and experimenting with drugs (may he not rest in peace - that little shit bag. . . but I digress). Dorothy was living in MA. I picked her up to come visit. She was only supposed to stay a few days, which turned into 6 months and not unsurprisingly, we drove each other crazy and ended our friendship over a stupid boy named Ryan who was friends with Steve who I had just broken things off of. Sleeping with an uncircumcised 24 year old virgin who had been in love with me since high school - what could go wrong. I moved out of that apartment and stayed in an apartment that Ryan's aunt owned. Huge mistake because that was super awkward when we broke up and also I was the obnoxious upstairs neighbor that was hanging out with Al's ex wife being crazy at the time. My primary profession was in home care for the elderly.
Around the age of 23, I decided to go to Nursing school. While I was in Auburn, I went to Cayuga Community College to take the preliminary courses and obtain my associates degree. I moved out to Syracuse and got a tiny apartment down the street from the beloved bar Blarney Stone in Tipp Hill. My grandmothers Real Estate friend helped me find it, may she rest in peace. I was living upstairs of the home and got along horribly with the downstairs neighbors. I met a 'DJ' whose name was Jeff. We had known each other from the Myspace days, spoke a little through Facebook and met up. I was desperate to meet new friends in the area and he was a poor choice. He ended up living with me for awhile before I couldn't stand him anymore and kicked the druggie out. I briefly dated an old fling, Travis which I broke things off with because he was a horrible father to his kids (the girl he cheated on me with back in high school who he knocked up) and also because I randomly bumped into Brandon at the Carousel Mall (now called Destiny USA) and caught feelings again. Unsurprisingly, things went horribly wrong with Brandon and I once again but I was finally able to let him go. He was, and still is, ugly to me both inside and out. Travis dumped his shitty dog Roscco on me before I also kicked him out of that apartment. During this time, I met some good friends that I hung out with a lot around the corner - Mike and Mark. Hanging out with them was like being back in high school but with much more booze and cocaine involved. I ended up moving out the horrible apartment I was in to another place in Syracuse. At the time, I worked for Verizon which was owned by a man named Tim O'Connor - Same name as my father. After the first failed nursing school semester, I applied again, got three semesters in until I failed yet again. I quit my Verizon job and worked with my parents for a bit, we took care of a sweet guy with dementia named Dave. After trying every school in NY state to transfer Nursing credits had failed, I decided I was going to get my Bachelors degree in Health Service Administration. While going to Bryant & Stratton to obtain my degree, I ended up going to a Grassroots festival with DJ. We both ended up being roofied and this is where I met Kyle.
Now around the age of 25 I moved in with Kyle in Rochester, NY. I found a decent job out there at a assisted living facility while I switched from in-person classes to online courses. I got rid of Rosco finally. I also obtained my bachelors degree. I drank heavily with no help from Kyle. I blacked out frequently, was a mean drunk and said a lot of things a person cannot take back. After 5 years of being together, he did teach me that I deserved better than the assholes I was dating but I had a lot of unresolved issues from the past plus he was a know-it-all scientist that had no time to deal with emotions. We moved out to Santa Monica in California together, but broke up about 3 months after the move. During this time is where I dated a guy whose name is not even worth remembering, but I did meet a lot of friends through him that I still keep in touch with to this day like Tara, Chris, and Robert. Kyle and I got back together briefly (which is when I met Lauren) but untimely decided to end things because he was not willing to do therapy and was already over our on again- off again relationship. I moved in with a crazy cat lady for a bit and then found a gem of a roommate that was a nudist. Neither of those places worked out but it did help me make the decision that I was not willing to live with roommates ever again.
Around the age of 30, I got an apartment on the outskirts of Downtown Los Angeles. I lost my job as a Medical Assistant in Brentwood (which was a blessing in disguise). I got with a temp agency that hooked me up as a receptionist at a Construction company. This was supposed to be temporary but I enjoyed the job well enough and got decent perks so I stayed. I quickly moved up the corporate ladder and am on track to be making 3 figures by next year. I dated around a bit but nothing ever really stuck for long until I met Steven through an app called Hinge. 2020 came rearing its ugly head, my lease was up and even though we've only been dating a short period of time, we decided to move into together. The prices for apartments at the time had plummeted and we got an amazing fucking deal - basically half off - of what the place normally is with rent control. Boo-Yah bitches. This is where I currently reside. We just signed a new lease on the apartment last week for another year. I love him dearly but it has not been easy.
I came here because I clearly have issues being by myself and still have trust issues from past relationships that I can't seem to shake off even though I do trust Steven. We did go to therapy for a bit which helped significantly but the time and the cost was overwhelming. I'm hoping between being able to write my thoughts down, using the techniques I learned in therapy, and my willingness to break out of old habits/patterns will help me - no, us - to move forward on our journey together. I want to find myself again and be happy on my own without relying on others. I need to kick up the dirt of the past I swept under the rug and deal with my previous traumas so I can be the happiest and healthiest version of myself for me and for those I love.