I feel unapreciated
I have not updated her in god-knows-how-long.
hahaha.. But who cares~~~~
So, anyways....
Today hasn't really been an okay or a nice day.
Wouldn't say that it;s a bad day either but.. somehow the feeling is not what one would usually like.
This morning, I felt like I really couldn't breathe. Literally suffocating. Not because of a heart disease or difficulty in breathing but it was because someone said some really really painful words to me. The person who said it wouldn't have felt anything when she said it but it really did hurt my feeling.
The person who said those words is someone I really respect because of her seniority and also the fact that she's my grandmother. It's rude to whine and I have been sucking this in for a very very long time and mind you it isn't something that happened just recently but over the years even since when I was a kid.
This post is for me to whine so it's definitely gonna be long. Some things which I'm going to be write, may seem like petty things to you, the readers if there are any.. but to me.. these petty things are events that really happens that makes me feel really unappreciated.
I remember this even OH-SO-DAMN-CLEARLY. It was a gathering at my house where all my relatives came.. My cousins included. I am the third youngest and last female grandchild of the family. The two below me are both males and two year my junior. I mean if you follow the rules of seniority, they should be either helping me out with the work or actually doing it.. BUT NO.......
SINCE THEY ARE BOTH BORN WITH A PENIS and I WHO WAS BORN WITH A VAGINA INSTEAD had to sort of purposely lose to them.. Something like that.. I don;t know what the right word is but it's like.. i have to give up many things for them. I mean I do like my cousins and I have a lot of fun with them but sometimes too much of giving up what I actually want is so painful... always being stepping on and not being able to shine as well.. just.. so painful that I thought that if i just ignore it, it would turn out to be okay.. but nothing has changed since we were kids till now.
okay... back to the gathering at my house.. Since kids at the age of 5 to 6 were allowed to throw tantrums, i threw one really big tantrum that day. I got so pissed at my grandma for always favouring all my other cousins so, i got a piece of cloth and then place it outside my house and sat on it under the hot sun. I really didn't like that feeling of being left behind and not favoured as well. I was so sad that I really just didn't care about anything. 14 years passed but I can still remember this. Pathetic right? keeping grudges over something that happened so many years ago.
But if it didn't occured all the time, I don't think I would remember that event at all. I'm spilling out one of the deepest thought which i have never ever told anyone in my life. It feels good but also, when I type the words out I can't stop my tears and mucus flowing out.. I don't care..! I'm whinning to my hearts content today because I know that if I don't do it now I won't do it any other time.
So, the next thing is that whenever there's any family gathering and that my grandma is cooking..
THE ONLY FREAKING GRANDCHILD AMONGST ALL THE OTHER NINE COUSINS AND ONE BROTHER OF MINE SHE CALLS WOULD DEFINITELY BE ME!
I am the only one who has to do the work. I am the only one who has to stop my play and help her out. She's always giving the reason because I am a girl, I have to do the work and help out in the kitchen. HELLO! It's llke I am the only female grandchild of hers.. What about the other 2? She would NEVER and I am not exageratting! SHE WOULD NEVERRRRRRR CALL EITHER OF THEIR NAMES TO DO WORK! sigh..
Why? Is it because my name starts with the alphabet "A" and that the first name she thinks of would be mine?
I've lost the mood to write anymore.
Too much hurtful words would pop out and I dont want them to.. D=
Thats the end of it i guess....
hahaha.. But who cares~~~~
So, anyways....
Today hasn't really been an okay or a nice day.
Wouldn't say that it;s a bad day either but.. somehow the feeling is not what one would usually like.
This morning, I felt like I really couldn't breathe. Literally suffocating. Not because of a heart disease or difficulty in breathing but it was because someone said some really really painful words to me. The person who said it wouldn't have felt anything when she said it but it really did hurt my feeling.
The person who said those words is someone I really respect because of her seniority and also the fact that she's my grandmother. It's rude to whine and I have been sucking this in for a very very long time and mind you it isn't something that happened just recently but over the years even since when I was a kid.
This post is for me to whine so it's definitely gonna be long. Some things which I'm going to be write, may seem like petty things to you, the readers if there are any.. but to me.. these petty things are events that really happens that makes me feel really unappreciated.
I remember this even OH-SO-DAMN-CLEARLY. It was a gathering at my house where all my relatives came.. My cousins included. I am the third youngest and last female grandchild of the family. The two below me are both males and two year my junior. I mean if you follow the rules of seniority, they should be either helping me out with the work or actually doing it.. BUT NO.......
SINCE THEY ARE BOTH BORN WITH A PENIS and I WHO WAS BORN WITH A VAGINA INSTEAD had to sort of purposely lose to them.. Something like that.. I don;t know what the right word is but it's like.. i have to give up many things for them. I mean I do like my cousins and I have a lot of fun with them but sometimes too much of giving up what I actually want is so painful... always being stepping on and not being able to shine as well.. just.. so painful that I thought that if i just ignore it, it would turn out to be okay.. but nothing has changed since we were kids till now.
okay... back to the gathering at my house.. Since kids at the age of 5 to 6 were allowed to throw tantrums, i threw one really big tantrum that day. I got so pissed at my grandma for always favouring all my other cousins so, i got a piece of cloth and then place it outside my house and sat on it under the hot sun. I really didn't like that feeling of being left behind and not favoured as well. I was so sad that I really just didn't care about anything. 14 years passed but I can still remember this. Pathetic right? keeping grudges over something that happened so many years ago.
But if it didn't occured all the time, I don't think I would remember that event at all. I'm spilling out one of the deepest thought which i have never ever told anyone in my life. It feels good but also, when I type the words out I can't stop my tears and mucus flowing out.. I don't care..! I'm whinning to my hearts content today because I know that if I don't do it now I won't do it any other time.
So, the next thing is that whenever there's any family gathering and that my grandma is cooking..
THE ONLY FREAKING GRANDCHILD AMONGST ALL THE OTHER NINE COUSINS AND ONE BROTHER OF MINE SHE CALLS WOULD DEFINITELY BE ME!
I am the only one who has to do the work. I am the only one who has to stop my play and help her out. She's always giving the reason because I am a girl, I have to do the work and help out in the kitchen. HELLO! It's llke I am the only female grandchild of hers.. What about the other 2? She would NEVER and I am not exageratting! SHE WOULD NEVERRRRRRR CALL EITHER OF THEIR NAMES TO DO WORK! sigh..
Why? Is it because my name starts with the alphabet "A" and that the first name she thinks of would be mine?
I've lost the mood to write anymore.
Too much hurtful words would pop out and I dont want them to.. D=
Thats the end of it i guess....