eternitys last breath
i feel unaccomplished,...i'm not sure if that's a mood i can choose from the list, but that's how i feel. it's how it feels to not have what i know i should have done, done. i don;'t deserve the life i lead, and i wish i could spend my life with those i care about,...and not alone and hateful towards myself,...i have so many things to say, but i can;t find the words to say them. it's either not enough words, or too many, or words can;t describe what i have to say. i'm not about to make up words either. it's not like yesterday. i'm not in the mood for that. i wish kitty would take to me,...it's like she doesn;t want to talk to me,...i'm hoping thats not the case,...but it's her i really need to talk to right now,...it's only her i can talk to about these things in my head,...i know she hates me for it after, but it's things that constantly run through my mind, and things that hurt my heart,...and in turn hurting my entire self. mental pain converted into physical pain. i feel like i should have done more with my life,...it's not right for me to be sitting here, still in my PJs and typing my nonsense into a journal i know no one reads,...again, i wonder if anyone would care if i died,...would they even notice? kitty wouldn't give a fuck,...if anything, she'd be releived,...niosha wouldn't have any way of knowing, or caring for that matter. she'd shrug it off,...jess wouldn;t be able to know either,...but i'm sure if she did, she'd care for a couple seconds,...i hope she would, but i doubt anyone cares about me,....maybe it's my misconception, but kitty's made that fact abundantly clear. school friends, well,..i hope they notice,....it wouldn;t surprise me if they didn;t,....jess (a different one)'s prolly too busy with her gf to worry about me,...marlena barely talks to me, and would hate me, rather than grieve for me,...she;d say it took the easy way out, and that i was a wimp,...i am, aren;t i? a crying bastard wanting attention. i need more sharp knives,...i have none,...skin likesto wear down blades,....i just wish people cared,....