what makes me happy, and miserable.
(note: this is not well written. it is long. writing it made me feel a bit better so that's good)
i took intro to java to fulfill my quantitative b (math) class. in the past (both madison and lawrence) i have taken the following to try and fulfill the math requirement. Symbolic Logic, Statistics (at Lawrence), and honors Chemistry (at UW). I have dropped all three because i couldn't keep up/understand the material. So now i am in java and i have a test today and i have no idea on earth how i am going to be able to pull off this class. Or any class which will fulfill the math requirement. Without it i can't graduate. yay.
So far this term i have been sitting in front of my computer for 5 or 6 hours a night trying to get java to work. We have these mini programing assignments which have been trying to do for extra credit (30 or so of them are due in a few days). I am guessing one of these should take between one and 5 min. I have been working on them for 4 hours today and have thus far gotten one right. as all the other nights of sitting trying to do java for hours not making any progress at all, i am now in tears, feeling stupid/worthless/, thinking grim thoughts about my future or lack there of, wanting to smash everything in the apartment, and somewhat suicidal. In other words this is a typical java night. This class is doing a fabulous number on my mental psyche. Keep in mind that nothing in my 24 year life thus far has made me feel suicidal, let alone on a daily basis. Not even any of those three other classes i couldn't manage.
I feel like i am on a path to something and the only thing in my way is a big stone wall, the only way to get threw the wall is to dig a hole in it. Unfortunately all i am given is a plastic spoon. Every time i try to spoon some out part of the spoon breaks off, and i am barely scratching at the wall. I desperately wish i was given a nice big drill or even a chizel. but alas, i got a spoon.
My spoon and i were at the studio last night. I got there at 6pm and stayed untill 3:30am. I did not take any breaks except a 5 min one to eat a quick ramen type asian noodle thing. at the end of the 9 and a half hours i was totally ready to do another 3 or so, but i decided i should go home and be with Phillip for a bit before bed and not totally mess up my sleeping schedule. During the time at the studio i had audiobook Welcome to the Monkey House (a short story collection by Vonnegut who i have been listening to a lot lately) plugged into my spoon (eh, head i mean). I worked on a coddle fish casting of a ring band for a crown setting which i was also working on. Also a multiple prong setting, a rubber vulcanized mold, and the prototype to be put into the mold. Oh, and i worked on my woven chain bracelet. at one point my little crown setting popped off of the thingy it was stuck on while i was using the flex shaft on it and flew half way across the room (or so i thought), i then spent a good 20 min looking for it shure it was lost, i then accidentally found it on the desk next to mine. I ended up messing up the crown setting after putting about 3 hours into it (though it's hard to tell since i was popping back and forth between the different projects), and the coddle fish casting didnt turn out and i have to make another. I only mention all this to point out that about half of what i worked on that day didn't actually turn out. However, it didn't matter in the least. I didn't get frustrated, i didn't get mad (not even when i thought i lost the setting), i was in absolute bliss with my projects and my fabulous little stories to listen to. At the end of the 9 something hours i was in absolute euphoria even though i didn't actually finish any major project or do anything very exiting. I danced around as i cleaned up, and made a right nuisance out of myself to Phillip as i kept bubbling over with job after he picked me up. i couldn't fall asleep until 5 something am, i was so exited. I thought about it that day, and realized that every single day in my life when i worked on some 3d art (glass ceramics or metal) for more then 5 hours or so i would go into a ridiculously happy euphoric state. the longer i was working the more happy i'd be. (though it was never longer then 10 hours at once). This is not the case for 2d art, and it is not the case for graphic art either. I think this is because 3d art tends to require a person to flutter around and move a lot more from task to task then the scrunched over sitting in one place methodical style of drawing/painting/computer graphics. I can never sit in one place for that long, but i have no problem multi tasking amongst a few projects for a day. so it occurred to me. this is what makes me happy. going to the studio and working on some 3d type art for long stretches at a time. it makes me happy 100% of the time that i do it. and it makes me more happy then anything else i have ever done. so maybe this is what i should do with my life. unfortunately, it is impractical, and i don't know how i'd go about doing it. damn.
i took intro to java to fulfill my quantitative b (math) class. in the past (both madison and lawrence) i have taken the following to try and fulfill the math requirement. Symbolic Logic, Statistics (at Lawrence), and honors Chemistry (at UW). I have dropped all three because i couldn't keep up/understand the material. So now i am in java and i have a test today and i have no idea on earth how i am going to be able to pull off this class. Or any class which will fulfill the math requirement. Without it i can't graduate. yay.
So far this term i have been sitting in front of my computer for 5 or 6 hours a night trying to get java to work. We have these mini programing assignments which have been trying to do for extra credit (30 or so of them are due in a few days). I am guessing one of these should take between one and 5 min. I have been working on them for 4 hours today and have thus far gotten one right. as all the other nights of sitting trying to do java for hours not making any progress at all, i am now in tears, feeling stupid/worthless/, thinking grim thoughts about my future or lack there of, wanting to smash everything in the apartment, and somewhat suicidal. In other words this is a typical java night. This class is doing a fabulous number on my mental psyche. Keep in mind that nothing in my 24 year life thus far has made me feel suicidal, let alone on a daily basis. Not even any of those three other classes i couldn't manage.
I feel like i am on a path to something and the only thing in my way is a big stone wall, the only way to get threw the wall is to dig a hole in it. Unfortunately all i am given is a plastic spoon. Every time i try to spoon some out part of the spoon breaks off, and i am barely scratching at the wall. I desperately wish i was given a nice big drill or even a chizel. but alas, i got a spoon.
My spoon and i were at the studio last night. I got there at 6pm and stayed untill 3:30am. I did not take any breaks except a 5 min one to eat a quick ramen type asian noodle thing. at the end of the 9 and a half hours i was totally ready to do another 3 or so, but i decided i should go home and be with Phillip for a bit before bed and not totally mess up my sleeping schedule. During the time at the studio i had audiobook Welcome to the Monkey House (a short story collection by Vonnegut who i have been listening to a lot lately) plugged into my spoon (eh, head i mean). I worked on a coddle fish casting of a ring band for a crown setting which i was also working on. Also a multiple prong setting, a rubber vulcanized mold, and the prototype to be put into the mold. Oh, and i worked on my woven chain bracelet. at one point my little crown setting popped off of the thingy it was stuck on while i was using the flex shaft on it and flew half way across the room (or so i thought), i then spent a good 20 min looking for it shure it was lost, i then accidentally found it on the desk next to mine. I ended up messing up the crown setting after putting about 3 hours into it (though it's hard to tell since i was popping back and forth between the different projects), and the coddle fish casting didnt turn out and i have to make another. I only mention all this to point out that about half of what i worked on that day didn't actually turn out. However, it didn't matter in the least. I didn't get frustrated, i didn't get mad (not even when i thought i lost the setting), i was in absolute bliss with my projects and my fabulous little stories to listen to. At the end of the 9 something hours i was in absolute euphoria even though i didn't actually finish any major project or do anything very exiting. I danced around as i cleaned up, and made a right nuisance out of myself to Phillip as i kept bubbling over with job after he picked me up. i couldn't fall asleep until 5 something am, i was so exited. I thought about it that day, and realized that every single day in my life when i worked on some 3d art (glass ceramics or metal) for more then 5 hours or so i would go into a ridiculously happy euphoric state. the longer i was working the more happy i'd be. (though it was never longer then 10 hours at once). This is not the case for 2d art, and it is not the case for graphic art either. I think this is because 3d art tends to require a person to flutter around and move a lot more from task to task then the scrunched over sitting in one place methodical style of drawing/painting/computer graphics. I can never sit in one place for that long, but i have no problem multi tasking amongst a few projects for a day. so it occurred to me. this is what makes me happy. going to the studio and working on some 3d type art for long stretches at a time. it makes me happy 100% of the time that i do it. and it makes me more happy then anything else i have ever done. so maybe this is what i should do with my life. unfortunately, it is impractical, and i don't know how i'd go about doing it. damn.