(no subject)
I threw a milk crate at my brother last night. I wish that it had hit him. I really wanted to hurt him. He makes me so angry. Everytime he comes near me I just want to hurt him in some way. It's so tempting when he is standing at the top of the stairs to just push him down. Watch him tumble to the bottom in a mess.
I feel so much anger lately. I feel like I am a 17 year old with a 5 year old who is angry trapped inside. The five year old sometimes gets a lot more control than I prefer her to have. I can't seem to explain this concept to anyone. I tried to explain it to Laura but she said that I was over complicating things. I tried to explain to her about this 'other person' that I have inside, and that at time I feel so out of control with her. But Laura didn't understand. All she said was that I was always in control and I wanted to scream at her. How does she know? It's easy in theory to say that you are always in control. But you aren't. I hardly ever feel in control. I do things irrationally. I can't think. It's impossible. But I can't get that through to Laura and all I want is to be able to explain this to her and have her understand it, but I get frustrated and give up. Laura seems to joke more about what I am doing. That hurts, but I never tell her. I'm scared to. I always told myself that Laura was the one person who had the right to laugh about it, but it gets on my nerves. It makes me grit my teeth and hold my tongue when she does it. I just want to be able to say all of this to her but I can't.
I have a scalpel and I want to use it, just to try it out. I don't want to though because I don't want it taken off me. I want to create real damage but at the same time I am scared to. I don't feel that I am coping anymore but I have no idea why. I should be happy. I got good grades, I got a good op, I got into uni. Why aren't I happy???? I know that that is what people will ask if I tried to really hurt myself. What could possibly be so wrong in my life that I would want to do that to myself. Well what the hell am I supposed to say to that? Nothing will seem right in their eyes after that. It will all seem like angsty teenage bullshit. My family tells me that I should get my shit together that there is nothing wrong with me at all. There is goddammit. I don't feel like this because I want to. Hell who would choose t feel like this. I don't know what to do anymore, I just can't deal with this shit.
I feel so much anger lately. I feel like I am a 17 year old with a 5 year old who is angry trapped inside. The five year old sometimes gets a lot more control than I prefer her to have. I can't seem to explain this concept to anyone. I tried to explain it to Laura but she said that I was over complicating things. I tried to explain to her about this 'other person' that I have inside, and that at time I feel so out of control with her. But Laura didn't understand. All she said was that I was always in control and I wanted to scream at her. How does she know? It's easy in theory to say that you are always in control. But you aren't. I hardly ever feel in control. I do things irrationally. I can't think. It's impossible. But I can't get that through to Laura and all I want is to be able to explain this to her and have her understand it, but I get frustrated and give up. Laura seems to joke more about what I am doing. That hurts, but I never tell her. I'm scared to. I always told myself that Laura was the one person who had the right to laugh about it, but it gets on my nerves. It makes me grit my teeth and hold my tongue when she does it. I just want to be able to say all of this to her but I can't.
I have a scalpel and I want to use it, just to try it out. I don't want to though because I don't want it taken off me. I want to create real damage but at the same time I am scared to. I don't feel that I am coping anymore but I have no idea why. I should be happy. I got good grades, I got a good op, I got into uni. Why aren't I happy???? I know that that is what people will ask if I tried to really hurt myself. What could possibly be so wrong in my life that I would want to do that to myself. Well what the hell am I supposed to say to that? Nothing will seem right in their eyes after that. It will all seem like angsty teenage bullshit. My family tells me that I should get my shit together that there is nothing wrong with me at all. There is goddammit. I don't feel like this because I want to. Hell who would choose t feel like this. I don't know what to do anymore, I just can't deal with this shit.