(no subject)
couldn't think of a clever title this time.
so pretty much, i'm tired.
but i feel so awake.
sacramento is so beautiful and i'm really starting to like it. but at the same time i miss san jose and albuquerque. and i'm tired of missing. i miss things that i may never experience again. i wore my norcal sweatshirt in albuquerque and said "hella". now i eat a lot of mexican food and sun flower seeds. i know i sound like i'm losing my mind, but it makes sense if you've moved.
you lose yourself a little every time.
but i feel like something is waiting around the corner. with a new school to start fresh and getting back in touch with old friends, i feel so excited. i'm even thinking of running for prom queen, but i'll get to my senses eventually, so no worries. its like... i can go ahead and really work on myself. i hate how i've hid from the scary thoughts and realization in my head. but now with this time on my own, i'm ready to face those thoughts and actually DEAL with them.
like what if i'm rejected from berklee? at least i will have taken a music business class senior year and simone, stephanie and i already decided on To The End and moving to Jersey.
and i really havent spent a lot of time listening and making up my mind about people before they have their opinion about me. its gotten me into trouble, got me hurt and i've hurt other people. so, i'm gonna try and work on that too. not that i expect everyone i meet to be like simone and stephanie, but it would be nice to give them the opportunity. and to protect myself a little more.
plus all this time to myself kind of let me figure all this shit out.the deleting old entries, the snapping, the myspace deletion. i still can't explain what happened. moriah is amazing. if it hadn't been for her i would have cracked, so thanks for that.
and i am finally able to NOT be afraid of taking people and things out of my life. i'm always afraid, but it makes me more weak. i'm still frightened of life, but i'm trying to just allow myself to make mistakes, make bad decisions, learn from them and move on.to plan ahead and trust God if what i planned doesn't fall through. and most importantly, i learned that just because you havent talked to friends in a while and people have their other priorities, doesn't mean they are stabbing you in the back.
i'm exploring new music, new friends, new ideas and styles. everything.
i always heard senior year does this and senior year decides friends and philosophies.
until college. (woo-fucking-hoo)
i just feel good knowing i have simone, stephanie, moriah and all the other amazing friends. and a better confidence to live and learn and move on. to allow myself to be me. to accept things instead of fighting it.
yeah, kelly, maybe it seems like i'm not over you. but i am. i dont hold you so high anymore. you're human and i respect that. i still appreciate our connection even if i denied it. its there, you're right. but i think its the end of the "i hate kelly" stage. you and i have grown apart and together. i'm sorry i was the bearer of bad news, but i think you're better because of it.
we're kind of in the same place and thats more comforting than when you enjoyed kissing me. :]
to cocaine in jamaica. bullets, i mean this.
PS: sorry for always
freaking out and making you hate me. no more, i swear.
so pretty much, i'm tired.
but i feel so awake.
sacramento is so beautiful and i'm really starting to like it. but at the same time i miss san jose and albuquerque. and i'm tired of missing. i miss things that i may never experience again. i wore my norcal sweatshirt in albuquerque and said "hella". now i eat a lot of mexican food and sun flower seeds. i know i sound like i'm losing my mind, but it makes sense if you've moved.
you lose yourself a little every time.
but i feel like something is waiting around the corner. with a new school to start fresh and getting back in touch with old friends, i feel so excited. i'm even thinking of running for prom queen, but i'll get to my senses eventually, so no worries. its like... i can go ahead and really work on myself. i hate how i've hid from the scary thoughts and realization in my head. but now with this time on my own, i'm ready to face those thoughts and actually DEAL with them.
like what if i'm rejected from berklee? at least i will have taken a music business class senior year and simone, stephanie and i already decided on To The End and moving to Jersey.
and i really havent spent a lot of time listening and making up my mind about people before they have their opinion about me. its gotten me into trouble, got me hurt and i've hurt other people. so, i'm gonna try and work on that too. not that i expect everyone i meet to be like simone and stephanie, but it would be nice to give them the opportunity. and to protect myself a little more.
plus all this time to myself kind of let me figure all this shit out.the deleting old entries, the snapping, the myspace deletion. i still can't explain what happened. moriah is amazing. if it hadn't been for her i would have cracked, so thanks for that.
and i am finally able to NOT be afraid of taking people and things out of my life. i'm always afraid, but it makes me more weak. i'm still frightened of life, but i'm trying to just allow myself to make mistakes, make bad decisions, learn from them and move on.to plan ahead and trust God if what i planned doesn't fall through. and most importantly, i learned that just because you havent talked to friends in a while and people have their other priorities, doesn't mean they are stabbing you in the back.
i'm exploring new music, new friends, new ideas and styles. everything.
i always heard senior year does this and senior year decides friends and philosophies.
until college. (woo-fucking-hoo)
i just feel good knowing i have simone, stephanie, moriah and all the other amazing friends. and a better confidence to live and learn and move on. to allow myself to be me. to accept things instead of fighting it.
yeah, kelly, maybe it seems like i'm not over you. but i am. i dont hold you so high anymore. you're human and i respect that. i still appreciate our connection even if i denied it. its there, you're right. but i think its the end of the "i hate kelly" stage. you and i have grown apart and together. i'm sorry i was the bearer of bad news, but i think you're better because of it.
we're kind of in the same place and thats more comforting than when you enjoyed kissing me. :]
to cocaine in jamaica. bullets, i mean this.
PS: sorry for always
freaking out and making you hate me. no more, i swear.