(no subject)
What is the point of death. To me it is only there to cause paiin. I get the whole evolutionary look because we'd overpopulate buuut why can't the earth just be soo much bigger. I miss my dad tremendously at this moment. This guy from my old school died and everytime I hear about death all the feelings from that day come back. I want to always remember at the same tiime though. I remember it soo clearly I was in my room and I was doing homework watching passions and my mom came into my room and the look on her face.. she told me I had to get my shoes on and get to my grandmas car now because something bad happened to my dad. I talked to him two days before on monday september 29th. He told me my family would be telling me that he was doing bad but in reality he was fine just had a cold but his last words were "sweetie I love you have a good ady" I can't even remember the time I saw him before that because it was so long before. Is that bad.. I never even realized that I really didn't see him all summer. When i got to teh car it was me my brother courtney and my grandma. we were all crying as we made our way to the hospital, st marys to be exact. I learned later that my grandma had gone over to his condo and it was laying on his couch all by himself with all the windows open freezing for three days.. no food or drink because he was soo weak. It nearly broke my heart that i wasn't there when my dad needed me the most. I wasn't sure what to expect when i got there but it was shocking to say the least. My brother and grandma went in before to make sure it was okay. He was conscious and talking but he was very dehydrated. He wasn't himself. He looked so helpless. I tried to talk to him but it was soo hard to hold back the tears. The god damn nurse kept ignoring him when he asked for something to drink. I had to leave the room and just get dresh air because it was too unreal. that was the alst time I'd ever see my dad awake and alive. I remember waiting in the waiting room and my brothers friends brought me hot cheetos to eat. At this point I still believed everythign was okay.. i mean he was up and talking to me he couldn't die. WE were transfered to the ER where he was sudated and monitored. I coudln't face hiim so I refused to see him. llots of family members came and gave me my support but i kept saying i was fine, it'd be okay. his co-workes came and talked about how great he was at work.. always fixed things for them. They needed him back soon. They brought him this little ceramic bible in which they signed the back that they wished him luck and to get well soon. He'd never see it. I went to the hospital everyday that week and just sat in the living room. I'd always distract myself and see the new babies or look in the gift shop. He was in a coma and there were a lot of difficulties. He got lukemia and a lot of his organs were failing. It was saturday. Amandas birthday at the beach but I was going to be running late. I decided this was the day i'd see him. I went to the hospital and there was a family meeting. My brother, sister, mom, brother uncle and i were to discuss what was going to happen. I refused to take part. We had a choice pull the plug or try this dialysis. We voted for the dialysis, we had two days to see if it'd help by tues if it didn't we would need to pull the plug and we had the choice to be in the room and watch him die or not. I couldn't be faced with that decision.. not now.. how can i watch my dad die or how can i sit there and know he's dying at that moment. I went into the room with my brothers. The second I saw him I broke down in tears. He had machines all connected to his body coming from every place. This machine was pumping him air while another one was dripping some nasty orange stuff into his blood. My brother held me and talked to my dad he said "Biancas here dad but sh can't say anything. She loves you a lot and she's here for you. We all are" How could the man i looked up to soo much be soo helpless.I left the room and went to amands party after. I was soo out of it I don't even remember what happened. I remember at the end though julias mom was running really late. Julia got scared she ccrashed and started to cry.. she came later on and she was okay. That monday my life would change. I went to school and it was a normal day basically. odd day.. i had math then health. after I had spanish. I met up with kathy when the bell rang and we walked home. I saw courtney and long leaning against courtneys car and i tried saying hi but they hid their heads. I walked in my house and knew it already. I went into my hallway and there was my mom vaccuming with big red puffy eyes. I walked into my room droppped all my books and my mom came in. She told my the hospital had called at 100.. he had passed away. I told her okay and acted okay. I walked into the kitchen for something to eat. I got cornered by Kyle and my mom asking if i wanted to go to the hospial to see him for the last tiime. I refused and walked into my room. I called kathy the first person i could think of but she wasnt there. So i then called kara. I needed someone to talk to. I still hadn't broken down. her mom got on the phone and i asked for kara. I think i got the word "my" out before I totally broke down. took me over 5 minutes to tell her my dad died. She rushed over with her mom who brought umy family dinner and just consoled me. all week the people from my old school stoppped by my house to give us dinner and food so we wouldnt have to worry about it. I went to school all week too and just hid the way i felt, not telling anyone that i silently cried to myself during class. The day before the funeral I went shopping for an outfit. it had to be perfect.. it had to be the best and it was to me. Then I went to church with kathy and apparently she told her other friends about what happened. they were supportive but i didn't want it to be known. We went back to her house and we both broke down. she had broken up with travis and felt all that pain. I didn't thik it was fair that suddenly i had to give her my attention. I went hom and made big ol posters with pictures of my daddy throughout his life. I tried hard to be strong in front of my family because i was scared to cry. the day of the funeral is as fresh as new in my mind. I woke up and took a shower.. got dressed put on makeup did my hair and waited in the front yard in a daze. I went to the church early to set up for the reception. all my old teahers came and gave me hugs and said how sorry they were. I went to the back of the church to greet people and one of my dads friends was reading something that someone wrote about my dad. They called him "sea breeze" i found out. i looked up and saw my sister run to the bathroom. Out of the 17 years I've known her i've seen her cry just that once. I ran after her and we both cried in the bathroom and laughed that our makeup was messed up. I had to walk up in the beginning of the service with my brothers and sister and mom. i balled my eyes out as i walked up. behind me sat kara manda and julia. throughout the service i don't think i stopped crying. It was too real for me now. He wasn't here with me. hearing his best friend talk about his life when he was younger only inspired me. I brought up the gift and my brother gave a speech. It wa okay to be sad .. but i alwso realized god wanted hiim up in heaven. I miss my dad soo much sometimes and I don't think i can go on. I look at his pictures and used to call his phone to hear his voice until they turned it off.. hardest thing ever. I have a shirt he wore and it smells just ike him. I remember the days on the boat or looking in antique shops. it's not the same when someone dies.. sure people can leave and be far away .. but heaven is so unreachable. I feel alone in my feeling for no one i know really knows how i feel. they can sympathize and make me feel better but i'm solo. I wish i could have one more day with hiim but for now i'll just keep talking to him at nite about my life and its experience without him.