(no subject)
Trying to gather it all in my mind and trace things back to the start of what I want to tell you, I'm realizing how long it's really been not only since I've written, but since I've allowed myself a moment to look backward at the expanse of time I've vaulted across in the past few years.
It seems I've made a habit of just shoving the incidents of the past behind me, never allowing time for closer inspection of my ...let's simply call them "choices" as not to risk exposure to emotions like guilt, regret, or sorrow in any form. I've been told several times, by several sources, that this kind of "stuffing" behavior, can threaten a person's mental well-being.....and I agree. However, it's the coping-mechanism I've chosen, for reasons that may be hereditary, sub-concious, engrained in my personality...... who knows.
So, in an effort to expell a few demons that have held sway for too long, let me begin to fill you in on ....everything. Everything I don't say to anyone else, that I can only say here. I'll get on with it.
THE APARTMENT
Shortly after my last post in '06, 2 key things happened. Firstly, my mother was admitted into the hospital. She went undiagnosed for 2 weeks, progressively getting worse. It was later discovered she had a staph infection in her blood. Because my mother is a topic I would rather not just graze over, but really explain, I'll save more on her for later, if not in this post, than the next.
Second, I got an apartment with Heather, who I've mentioned before in past posts. She is Mitchell's sister. I'll talk of her off and on when describing the time I've been gone. Moving in the apartment with her, we were very close. This would drastically change.
At the time we decided to get an apartment, everything was moving very quickly. It was casually mentioned, that it may be a good idea, and within 3 days she was calling me about the lease she just signed. I was foolish and naive, and still very trusting, even after my past experiences with sociopathic people. Within a week I was wanting to rip her hair out. She had random men in and out, just living off of ....well, me. I was the only one working steadily. ..and obviously the only one who thought rent needed to be paid. I found myself surrounded in chaos, but to proud to admit my mistake.
At the same time, Mitchell would stop by now and then. We remained friends after we broke up, but it was always evident we still loved one another. Problem was, it was 2 different kinds of love. Mine was whole-hearted and giving, and his was ...I don't know. I always got the idea I was meant for the future, for once he settled down. So, I pushed myself to move on, even though I loved him, I couldn't be on anyone's back burner, I'd come to far in my mind since our devestating break-up. This was something that he didn't expect.
July 4th, a couple months after our intial moving in, Heather asked (because now after multiple unpleasant death threats from yours truly, she finally ASKS) if a friend could stay, just a night or two, being down on his luck and all. I cave, I'd been given a few vicodin earlier on and was pretty easy going in that moment.
And so enters Darren. Darren Montgomery, 31 years old and almost done with his parole. All tatted up and smooth-tongued as any snake. Remembering makes me rage now, at myself. At them.
I knew better. I told myself, I could play but I couldn't get involved. He wasn't for anything serious, he was just for fun. My guard was up, ultra-high, red- alert style. I completely overestimated myself then. My "street smarts". I had none. At all.
Was I going to learn though. Dear God was I. Darren fell in love with me. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was beautiful.
I was a million things I never thought anyone would see me as. I was a fool. My guard was ebbed away, and very soon, I was completely under his spell. Now that I think about it.....everyone was.
He walked into a room, and it ignited, all eyes on him while he told his stories of sex, drugs, and everything darkly magnetic. What once was a small mess of one or two guys a week flopping over became an army of strangers every night; drunken stupid idiots that destroyed and stole ...but I was happy. I was loved. I was medicated.
Literally. Heather and Darren found out real quick how to shut my protests down. Pills. No more crack, I'd told Mitchell never again. But pills...yes. My addictions never wane, only switch foms to adapt to the life I'm living at hand.
This lasts a month. Maybe less.
Once, in the very beginning, Darren brings crack home. I tell him, never. Never ever. It grabs ahold of me too hard, I wouldn't go back there.
He said he understood. Weeks later, it all falls apart. After snorting coke for the first time, (it's not as bad, right? C'mon baby, don't be mad. I just need to blow off some steam. It's fun. You'll see.) I entertain the idea of responsible drug use. Excess in moderation.
Did I mention I was a complete naive fool. *sigh* I'm going to pause here for a minute, because I'm realizing now what a very long walk down memory lane this is going to be. I'd do everything in bulletpoints fashion, but I can't. The series of events that have transpired between '06 and the present aren't easily summarized ....and were they, I just don't feel right putting them out there so skeletal, without the how's and why's. To me, those things are just as important as the events themselves, being as we're who we are because of them.
Anyways. I wil approach this particular subject differently, because this is probally a lengthy post already, and I don't want to be a bore..to you or myself.
Ok. So, about a week or 2 of Darren constantly snorting coke, smoking foils of it, and he makes the move back to crack. I follow along. A short time, days, later ...the unthinkable. He and a friend take my car to the store. I go to bed. A few hours later, I get a phone call that he's being arrested. My car is getting impounded. I never get it back.
Darren goes back to prison. I do not leave him. I write everyday. I say I'll wait for him. I lose my mind , because I'm in love, because all you need is love,love love, love is all you need, and I pour myself into him.
I send money. I set up phone service. After 2 months in prison, the remainder of his parole, Darren is released. God loves me, things will be better, and we're ecstatic. We're together, inseperable..more later.:P
It seems I've made a habit of just shoving the incidents of the past behind me, never allowing time for closer inspection of my ...let's simply call them "choices" as not to risk exposure to emotions like guilt, regret, or sorrow in any form. I've been told several times, by several sources, that this kind of "stuffing" behavior, can threaten a person's mental well-being.....and I agree. However, it's the coping-mechanism I've chosen, for reasons that may be hereditary, sub-concious, engrained in my personality...... who knows.
So, in an effort to expell a few demons that have held sway for too long, let me begin to fill you in on ....everything. Everything I don't say to anyone else, that I can only say here. I'll get on with it.
THE APARTMENT
Shortly after my last post in '06, 2 key things happened. Firstly, my mother was admitted into the hospital. She went undiagnosed for 2 weeks, progressively getting worse. It was later discovered she had a staph infection in her blood. Because my mother is a topic I would rather not just graze over, but really explain, I'll save more on her for later, if not in this post, than the next.
Second, I got an apartment with Heather, who I've mentioned before in past posts. She is Mitchell's sister. I'll talk of her off and on when describing the time I've been gone. Moving in the apartment with her, we were very close. This would drastically change.
At the time we decided to get an apartment, everything was moving very quickly. It was casually mentioned, that it may be a good idea, and within 3 days she was calling me about the lease she just signed. I was foolish and naive, and still very trusting, even after my past experiences with sociopathic people. Within a week I was wanting to rip her hair out. She had random men in and out, just living off of ....well, me. I was the only one working steadily. ..and obviously the only one who thought rent needed to be paid. I found myself surrounded in chaos, but to proud to admit my mistake.
At the same time, Mitchell would stop by now and then. We remained friends after we broke up, but it was always evident we still loved one another. Problem was, it was 2 different kinds of love. Mine was whole-hearted and giving, and his was ...I don't know. I always got the idea I was meant for the future, for once he settled down. So, I pushed myself to move on, even though I loved him, I couldn't be on anyone's back burner, I'd come to far in my mind since our devestating break-up. This was something that he didn't expect.
July 4th, a couple months after our intial moving in, Heather asked (because now after multiple unpleasant death threats from yours truly, she finally ASKS) if a friend could stay, just a night or two, being down on his luck and all. I cave, I'd been given a few vicodin earlier on and was pretty easy going in that moment.
And so enters Darren. Darren Montgomery, 31 years old and almost done with his parole. All tatted up and smooth-tongued as any snake. Remembering makes me rage now, at myself. At them.
I knew better. I told myself, I could play but I couldn't get involved. He wasn't for anything serious, he was just for fun. My guard was up, ultra-high, red- alert style. I completely overestimated myself then. My "street smarts". I had none. At all.
Was I going to learn though. Dear God was I. Darren fell in love with me. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was beautiful.
I was a million things I never thought anyone would see me as. I was a fool. My guard was ebbed away, and very soon, I was completely under his spell. Now that I think about it.....everyone was.
He walked into a room, and it ignited, all eyes on him while he told his stories of sex, drugs, and everything darkly magnetic. What once was a small mess of one or two guys a week flopping over became an army of strangers every night; drunken stupid idiots that destroyed and stole ...but I was happy. I was loved. I was medicated.
Literally. Heather and Darren found out real quick how to shut my protests down. Pills. No more crack, I'd told Mitchell never again. But pills...yes. My addictions never wane, only switch foms to adapt to the life I'm living at hand.
This lasts a month. Maybe less.
Once, in the very beginning, Darren brings crack home. I tell him, never. Never ever. It grabs ahold of me too hard, I wouldn't go back there.
He said he understood. Weeks later, it all falls apart. After snorting coke for the first time, (it's not as bad, right? C'mon baby, don't be mad. I just need to blow off some steam. It's fun. You'll see.) I entertain the idea of responsible drug use. Excess in moderation.
Did I mention I was a complete naive fool. *sigh* I'm going to pause here for a minute, because I'm realizing now what a very long walk down memory lane this is going to be. I'd do everything in bulletpoints fashion, but I can't. The series of events that have transpired between '06 and the present aren't easily summarized ....and were they, I just don't feel right putting them out there so skeletal, without the how's and why's. To me, those things are just as important as the events themselves, being as we're who we are because of them.
Anyways. I wil approach this particular subject differently, because this is probally a lengthy post already, and I don't want to be a bore..to you or myself.
Ok. So, about a week or 2 of Darren constantly snorting coke, smoking foils of it, and he makes the move back to crack. I follow along. A short time, days, later ...the unthinkable. He and a friend take my car to the store. I go to bed. A few hours later, I get a phone call that he's being arrested. My car is getting impounded. I never get it back.
Darren goes back to prison. I do not leave him. I write everyday. I say I'll wait for him. I lose my mind , because I'm in love, because all you need is love,love love, love is all you need, and I pour myself into him.
I send money. I set up phone service. After 2 months in prison, the remainder of his parole, Darren is released. God loves me, things will be better, and we're ecstatic. We're together, inseperable..more later.:P