Life is so strange I highlight every page of 3 years history relived constantly, the comming of age
Well hey.
Wrote a new song. It's funny. I will go on modifying and messing with stuff Ive written.....Write tons and tons of guitar parts...then suddenly the bridge Im writing for some guitar part becomes the whole song and much cooler than anything else Ive done and lyrics just fling themselves on it. Weird. Almost like Im barely part of the creative process although I am the conduit it happens through. Its weird that I feel that My 6th sense shows itself through song writing.....prophetically. I will write lyrics with very little idea of their meaning, but as time goes by they become a narrative for what happens in life. Like I write my own fucking soundtrack before the show even starts. Instead of after like the average artist. Maybe its being connected with ones subconcious? Who knows. I also agree with the Tori Amos school of Lyrics. the first things that fall out your mouth seem to usually be the most pure. The less I have to play with them the better they are. I usually can write the whole of the lyrics in 5 minutes. And somehow its like the greatest piece of work I produce. Whereas if I think and think and think it becomes too much. Im also becomming aware of certain phrasings and favorite key changes..... My open chord obsession.......little things.... I use the 1st string obsessively. Which is ofcourse the weakest string and the easiest to bust and there I am hammering away on it. Suprise. Its weird how certain things just sound good to you, they just seem natural. I realized the verse part of this song I wrote, actually uses a different paced chord progression SUPER similar to a bridge I wrote WAAAAAAAY back for another song (you can barely tell because one is a lot of picking with bends and hammerings while the verse version is all chords). How does the mind remember that and suddenly just bust it out? How do certain timing and chord changes sound magical while others sound like crap? Is that god? Is it just good math? Who can be sure.
In other news.... joe and I are sorta talking. It feels like a wall has been thrown up though. I just dont get it. Plus I didnt think I'd like this boy, BUT I adversely dont think its fair of him to be upset or angry or hurt by me liking his boys ex. Is it really that suprising that I might like the boy his boy liked? I mean we apparently all have some stuff in common or something? Whatever Its not a worry or somethign that upsets me, I just cant figure out Joe and what he wants, BUT Im not going to live my life accordingly to "how Joe will be happy", and I dont think I could since he cant even express what it is thats bothering him. In all honesty I dont believe he wants to see me happy with someone, although I have no qualms over him and his boy. Being perfect can be so trying sometimes. LOL. jk. I have a few faults. lol........
The song is relevant to this situation and my un-sureness about the whole thing and how to navigate it properly. What I want and what other want, and what I perceive them wanting. I know what I want, but only time will tell how this will play out. Its weird. How sometimes people are in your life for 5 minutes and sometimes they are there for 3 years. What makes that happen? And I dont htink our 3 year relationship was that fulfilling or magical. there are many good thinigs I will miss. I remember distinctly towwards teh end, when I knew it was ending, we wer like rolling around in bed tickling each other and it was really just good.....and I thought then....savor this and remember that there was some good things......I knew it was a sinking ship. He knew it. There were definently a lot of good parts to us, but ultimately I do not htink we fulfilled each other or even got to know each other the way we should have. It can be both our faults but Im an open book and he holds his secrets so close. All in all Im glad its done. I didnt think I would be, but I would never go back, and I would never want to be with him again. I love our friendship, but if something this trivial (and In my head its a pretty trivial circumstance......we will always be in each others lives, and I doubt it will be the last time we get put in similar situations.) can cause such a rift.....well then how strong is our friendship? And If he thinks that every step of the way in my life I am either tossing his feelings aside or doing things to hurt him......well get over it. Im not. I cant do much more to be his friend than be his friend. He needs to do some hard thinking and come out of his comfort zone. With the Info I have I cant do anything more for him. My room is 20 steps from his door, and Im pretty open to any talks. Time will tell.
I have to get to work. Argh. Ok peace out LJ girls and ghouls.
Whats everyone being for Halloweenie?
I am going to be Judge Judy!!!!! LOL..... I didnt come up with that it was Joe or amy or Racheal. It is brilliant.
Any excuse to throw on some hideous makeup and run around screaming at people. we should do a recap of Past josh Looks.
Lets just think about those for a minute.
xoxo
josh