i havent updated in a while. so i am...
well, i havent updated in a while. so i guess here i am updating... my sucky life
well. idk really whats going on in my life. it really sucks. latley i feel crappier than i have felt in a long time. idk why. something is wrong with me. like i think seriously wrong. maybe i'm just getting even more depressed because school... we only have 13 more days. and i know after that 13 more days this is what is going to happen.
day after school gets out, im going to be bored as hell. probably just laying around the house getting fatter and fatter by the minute. i am probably going to be broken up with nick a couple days after schools out.(which makes it even worse) or before the last day of school (which makes it even worseR) and if we arent broken up, then what then? we arent going to be able to hang out that much b.c he lives in forest heights and i live. i dont even know what my neighborhood is called. arlington heights?idk. and so we arent going to be able to hang out b/c his parents work, and mine do to. they wont drive me around. they never do. and it sucks. so then what? we're going to go our seperate ways. and then. idk even know whats going to happen. but if we dont break up...then i will feel bad if i hang out with him because i dont want his friends to get mad at me.then i feel guilty. but i like nick so much. and its not all just about nick. the only people im going to see next year are nicky, katherine, erin, liza, and a few other people. whats going to happen then. i bareley talk to any of them now. whats next year? its going to be hell. no boys. how the hell am i going to survive. i live for boys. if it werent for boys, i proabbly wouldnt be alive right now. well i know i wouldnt be alive because with out a boy i wouldnt be born. but anyways. im scared. i dont want to go to st. mary's. i know that there are tons of girls there that could be my friends. but what about all my old friends. i hate changing schools. its the worst. it makes life hard. my parents are wasting their money... $11,000 for one school year. what the hell. they could be saving that up for a vacation that we never go on. i havent been on a family vacation since 3rs grade. i went to virginia, with my grandma. i had to help pay for it. i went to california, with my brother to visit my uncle and aunt and cousins. thats what ive done since 3rd grade. and everybody else that i know, well almost goes on 1 or 2 family vacations a year. i dont even go on one little one. my mom ditched me last spring break so she could work. shes always working. life really sucks.
i really dont want to be on earth most of my days. i wish somebody could live one day, one day in my shoes. not elliotts, or enzo.s. but mine. its hard to go through one day with out almost crying. its hard. its really really hard.there are times when im just talking to somebody...and all of a sudden. i just want to break down. and cry. and cry some more. its hard for me to actually say im happy, when i'm actually happy. its easier to fake it. even though when i fake it i know im faking it. and at those times. i try not to cry. i feel like my mom is always to busy for me. i wish she would be like *BLANKS* and when i called her just to say hi or something, should wouldnt snap at me and actually want to talk to me. tell me that shes not too busy to talk to me. i wish my mom was more like *BLANKS* mom, who wont try to make my day better after a big fight with my dad by asking if i want to go get ben and jerrys. sure i know she knows i love ben and jerrys. but thats not going to make me feel better. and i dont want to go out in public after i just had one of the biggest fights with my dad, looking like shit.my face all red and sniffiling. and same thing happened when i told her i wanted to kill myself, or move out. that id rather live on the streets then in the shit hole i call home.i wish my mom were more like *BLANKS* mom.where she actaually had a time she'd "go home" and be with the family. who wouldnt sometimes work into the wee hours of the morning. that would work form like 7 until 6. not from 5 until 1 in the morning. i mean. who does that? i wish my mom were more like *BLANKS* mom, who actually ate dinner with the family. i dont understand why im the only one who eats dinner at our dining room table. this actually goes for my dad and brother too. they all sit on the couch. watching the tv while im sitting at the dining room table, alone. i hate sitting in front of the tv. it sucks. i mean. i LOVE my mom. but it seems like she doesnt love me back. it seems like she ignores me. it takes her days and days to notice if i cover another half of my room with posters, or if i cleaned it. its going to take her my whole lifetime to actualy know who i am. if she ever really does find out. i wish my dad were more like *BLANKS* dad. wh actually under stood me. and how effing hard it is to be a girl and how much i hate getting picked on by him and my brother everytime my mom is out of town. and i wish i wouldnt get in trouble everytime i hit elliott or yelled at my dad for blaming something on pms... when all it is, is having a bad day. GUYS GIRLS CANT PMS EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF THE MONTH. geezus.im not going to list all the wishes i have for my dad and elliott. but one for all of them...i wish they understood me
i feel like the only person that can understand me. is nobody. i dont even understand me. i have mood changes for no reason. i put a frickin mask on everday. i look happy, sometimes. although im really really REALLY not. i hate it. i hate it i hate it. my life sucks
be happy for yours.
what the hell am i going to do with out all the people from west sylvan. im going to miss everybody so much. idk even know where to begin. i'll begin later.
well. idk really whats going on in my life. it really sucks. latley i feel crappier than i have felt in a long time. idk why. something is wrong with me. like i think seriously wrong. maybe i'm just getting even more depressed because school... we only have 13 more days. and i know after that 13 more days this is what is going to happen.
day after school gets out, im going to be bored as hell. probably just laying around the house getting fatter and fatter by the minute. i am probably going to be broken up with nick a couple days after schools out.(which makes it even worse) or before the last day of school (which makes it even worseR) and if we arent broken up, then what then? we arent going to be able to hang out that much b.c he lives in forest heights and i live. i dont even know what my neighborhood is called. arlington heights?idk. and so we arent going to be able to hang out b/c his parents work, and mine do to. they wont drive me around. they never do. and it sucks. so then what? we're going to go our seperate ways. and then. idk even know whats going to happen. but if we dont break up...then i will feel bad if i hang out with him because i dont want his friends to get mad at me.then i feel guilty. but i like nick so much. and its not all just about nick. the only people im going to see next year are nicky, katherine, erin, liza, and a few other people. whats going to happen then. i bareley talk to any of them now. whats next year? its going to be hell. no boys. how the hell am i going to survive. i live for boys. if it werent for boys, i proabbly wouldnt be alive right now. well i know i wouldnt be alive because with out a boy i wouldnt be born. but anyways. im scared. i dont want to go to st. mary's. i know that there are tons of girls there that could be my friends. but what about all my old friends. i hate changing schools. its the worst. it makes life hard. my parents are wasting their money... $11,000 for one school year. what the hell. they could be saving that up for a vacation that we never go on. i havent been on a family vacation since 3rs grade. i went to virginia, with my grandma. i had to help pay for it. i went to california, with my brother to visit my uncle and aunt and cousins. thats what ive done since 3rd grade. and everybody else that i know, well almost goes on 1 or 2 family vacations a year. i dont even go on one little one. my mom ditched me last spring break so she could work. shes always working. life really sucks.
i really dont want to be on earth most of my days. i wish somebody could live one day, one day in my shoes. not elliotts, or enzo.s. but mine. its hard to go through one day with out almost crying. its hard. its really really hard.there are times when im just talking to somebody...and all of a sudden. i just want to break down. and cry. and cry some more. its hard for me to actually say im happy, when i'm actually happy. its easier to fake it. even though when i fake it i know im faking it. and at those times. i try not to cry. i feel like my mom is always to busy for me. i wish she would be like *BLANKS* and when i called her just to say hi or something, should wouldnt snap at me and actually want to talk to me. tell me that shes not too busy to talk to me. i wish my mom was more like *BLANKS* mom, who wont try to make my day better after a big fight with my dad by asking if i want to go get ben and jerrys. sure i know she knows i love ben and jerrys. but thats not going to make me feel better. and i dont want to go out in public after i just had one of the biggest fights with my dad, looking like shit.my face all red and sniffiling. and same thing happened when i told her i wanted to kill myself, or move out. that id rather live on the streets then in the shit hole i call home.i wish my mom were more like *BLANKS* mom.where she actaually had a time she'd "go home" and be with the family. who wouldnt sometimes work into the wee hours of the morning. that would work form like 7 until 6. not from 5 until 1 in the morning. i mean. who does that? i wish my mom were more like *BLANKS* mom, who actually ate dinner with the family. i dont understand why im the only one who eats dinner at our dining room table. this actually goes for my dad and brother too. they all sit on the couch. watching the tv while im sitting at the dining room table, alone. i hate sitting in front of the tv. it sucks. i mean. i LOVE my mom. but it seems like she doesnt love me back. it seems like she ignores me. it takes her days and days to notice if i cover another half of my room with posters, or if i cleaned it. its going to take her my whole lifetime to actualy know who i am. if she ever really does find out. i wish my dad were more like *BLANKS* dad. wh actually under stood me. and how effing hard it is to be a girl and how much i hate getting picked on by him and my brother everytime my mom is out of town. and i wish i wouldnt get in trouble everytime i hit elliott or yelled at my dad for blaming something on pms... when all it is, is having a bad day. GUYS GIRLS CANT PMS EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF THE MONTH. geezus.im not going to list all the wishes i have for my dad and elliott. but one for all of them...i wish they understood me
i feel like the only person that can understand me. is nobody. i dont even understand me. i have mood changes for no reason. i put a frickin mask on everday. i look happy, sometimes. although im really really REALLY not. i hate it. i hate it i hate it. my life sucks
be happy for yours.
what the hell am i going to do with out all the people from west sylvan. im going to miss everybody so much. idk even know where to begin. i'll begin later.