thank you

[razielxsan]

These past few weeks have been some of the most difficult I've ever been through. I really can't stress how thankful I am for everyone's support, as I know this would have been a tremendous challenge to deal with alone. If there's any way I can reciprocate, please don't hesitate to ask

Comments

[razielxsan]

You're right, taking some time alone to sort this out would be good, but I'm afraid I was doing that while Laura was in Germany. It helped a lot, but at this point I'd like to try and face things and see how it goes. I'm very much an extrovert when it comes to talking about relationship stuff since, sadly, I've had to on way too many occasions.

My opinion at the moment is that I (obviously) strongly disagree with how Laura handled the situation and for a while it caused me to not even want to see her again. I don't think this is the best idea anymore, as it's not like me to ignore things and shun people for life. I'd really like to forgive her, but I'm afraid that won't fully come until she admits that some of her actions were a mistake. This might not ever happen, thus I may be left with one more thing to try and get over. She says she wouldn't have understood how much pain it would have caused if she hadn't made the decisions she did, but I thought I made it quite clear over the phone how hurt I was. She doesn't think so, but I think the phone is a horrible way to communicate such things. This became apparent when I explained "why I was hurt by what she did" (as she couldn't understand why I'd be hurt) in person when she returned and suddenly she understood my side. I find this rather convenient for her, as her not understanding me over the phone led to her doing things that hurt me even more. I don't think Laura is a liar, which is why I believe her on this, but it still makes me upset that she couldn't see the flaws in her way of viewing things. Ultimately, I see her actions as overtly selfish, as she discovered the opposite side of herself after being near selfless for so long. Black and whites is who she's seen things for a very long time and only upon her return from Germany is she recognizing the grays (as she said in her most recent post). The biggest thing that bothers me about this situation is that she changed into someone that saw the error in her controlling others and began being much more emotionally stable. This, along with me being myself instead of who she wants me to be, would have saved things for us. Sadly, she found someone else to share this with and then saw qualities in this person that she really admired that I have always strived to offer her. Only now does she reocognize that I did these things since she's changed, but it seems to me she will love this other guy for these same things for a while and never come to admire me for offering the same things. I feel like I really got the short end of the stick on this one and have been treated unfairly in spite of my years of efforts to help Laura be who she wants to be in the past. As she admits now, it was simply poor timing for me in this respect and that drives me crazy. After all this time it's poor timing that kept us from repairing our relationship. I'm conflicted because I still want to be with her, which everyone else thinks is crazy, including myself. For this reason, it's hard being around her sometimes, but I need to get past this and appreciate that I still do have a good friend such as herself. Good friends don't do what she did to me in my opinion, but she seems to see that it might not have been the best decision and has changed a great deal as a result into someone that's much easier to talk to than she used to be. I really want to stop hurting and missing her though, as it's really wearing me down. Sorry I'm not telling you this over the phone by the way, I'm just really not up for explaining things over the phone at the moment. It's easier to organize my thoughts in writing.

It'd be really cool if you want to visit us in "the burg". We could show you around our puny city and get you some good food.

I serisouly do appreciate your help with this and I really do hope that I'm able to find peace with this situation soon.

Ahh..the tractor pull, that does bring up a lot of memories. hehe..it's ok though, I think what happened around THAT time was quite good for me. The pull was mighty cool to see too! I don't know if I'm going to go to anime cons anymore, as I'm not really into that scene anymore, but who knows I may be up for it come October.

Thanks again for listening!

[smiling_skeptic]

From what i have seen thus far with your situation of what you have said above (all three times) you seem to be looking for the postive. That's good. It also appears that the talks the two of you have had have been beneficial. I think that because of what you have stated that you will find peace. It may take time, but doesn't everything.

on the writing out the thoughts, i completely understand. have you thought about writing short notes to yourself for when you are talking to Laura? that may or may not help.

I haven't really done anything but read and replied. but if you feel that it is helpful i am glad. I am trying to be encouraging and understanding, while remaining neutral.

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time and I hope it gets better. I think it will, but again, it takes time.

give me a call if you are feeling more up to it, or we can continue this way if you want.