Haven Fic: Clarion Call Chapter 003 - Travelling Woman [Audrey/Nathan, Claire]
Author: siricerasi
Fandom: Haven
Spoilers: Through s3
Chapter: 003/104
Chapter Word Count: 1245
Chapter Rating: T
Chapter Warnings: None
Chapter Characters/Pairings: Audrey/Nathan, Claire Callahan
Chapter Summary: Audrey finds herself pulled unbearably taut between the two, between her son and the man she loves enough to sacrifice… what? What, exactly, is she truly willing to give up for Nathan?
Author's Notes: Fill for my hc-bingo prompt "forced to hurt somebody".
A note on the Claire Chronology - in my headcanon, she's real!Claire through 3.09 (Sarah) and is killed sometime between 3.09 and 3.10 (Burned). So she was Claire in the last chapter, and still is for this one. This is set after the deleted scene from Sarah that Shawn Piller posted here. (It's fabulous, I'm angry they cut it. Also stars in quite a bit of the gag reel ;) )
Song for this chapter is "Travelling Woman" by Bat For Lashes
Previous Chapter: 002 - Come Away To The Water
hang on, travelling woman
don't sacrifice your plan
cause it will come back to you
before you lose it on the man
never fall in love with potential
cause you can't see with your own eyes
all the pretty faces and sorry words
can take away your pride
xxx
How about start with ‘I love you?’
It’s tempting, for half a second, to listen to Claire. To let go of all of it, to stop trying to save everyone, to just be. But then she looks at Tommy’s file again, remembers the pieces of women scattered across Haven, and shuts down that dream for the thousandth time.
Later, when all of this is over, if she can find a way to stay - then there will be time.
Still, she can tell Nathan is becoming more and more frustrated with her hunt for James - and with good reason, she supposes. To him, The Colorado Kid is just a random stranger Lucy knew, maybe loved. Audrey finds herself pulled unbearably taut between the two, between her son and the man she loves enough to sacrifice… what? What, exactly, is she truly willing to give up for Nathan? Can she really give up on her son to find a way to stay?
“Is he really your son?” Claire asks, when they’ve poured over everything they have on Tommy again, and still come up empty. “He’s Sarah’s son, Audrey. You keep saying that you’re not Sarah, you’re not Lucy - so how can he be your son?”
Audrey can only stare for a moment, bites her lip hard enough that she tastes blood. “Because I want him to be,” she answers eventually, staring at her hands. “Because I have to believe I can leave something behind other than painful… memories and ruined lives.” Anguish flicks across Claire’s face, nearly imperceptible.
Because it feels right, Audrey wants to explain. Because I just know. But does she, really? He’s her blood, that much she does know. But in the end, he is just a stranger. Abandoned by his mother - not that Sarah had a choice, but could James understand that? Had Lucy explained it to him? If (when) Audrey finds him, will he really want anything to do with another woman calling herself his mother?
“That’s understandable.” Claire’s voice breaks her thoughts, far too rational for Audrey’s state of mind. “But you’re giving up everything you have here, this life you’ve built, all for a man you have never met. Of course Nathan’s upset, Audrey.” Audrey blinks, gives Claire a surprised look, wondering where that had come from. Claire rolls her eyes. “Seriously, I could float in the tension you two were brewing up. Look at it from Nathan’s perspective. You’re choosing to fight for a man you don’t know, you’ve never even met, instead of fighting for yourself and your life here. For the people here.”
The ball in Audrey’s stomach swells, grows jagged claws that rake their tips across her insides. She wants to scream, to make Claire stop, but her throat closes over and Claire continues, “You’re choosing James over Nathan, and he can’t understand why, because you haven’t told him.” It’s close enough to an accusation to snap Audrey’s shields up, defensive words on the tip of her tongue - but they fade, because Claire is overwhelmingly right.
“It’s too late,” she answers wearily. “Two weeks and I’m gone, Claire. Restarting things now would just make it harder for him.”
“Harder for you.” There’s a harshness to Claire’s voice that sends a shiver down Audrey’s spine. “However this goes down, if you disappear, it’s going to hurt Nathan. But you - you won’t remember this pain. You’ll never know any of this happened, you won’t have to feel this again. So right now? It’s easier for you to just avoid the problem than deal with it. Because hey, avoid it for two more weeks and you’ll never have to deal with it at all!” Her mocking tone grates on Audrey’s ears, too damn close to right.
“You think this is easy?” Audrey hears her voice crack, almost irreparably, and hates Claire for it. Hates that she can play Audrey this well, hates that they’re having this conversation at all when she’d told Claire she didn’t want to talk. (That never seems to work, somehow.)
Claire’s face softens, and she sighs heavily. “No, Audrey. This is the farthest thing from easy. But you have a bad habit of avoiding things, and while usually I would coax all of this out of you over months, we don’t have that kind of time. And I’m pretty sure that if you go leaving things like this with Nathan…” She shrugs. “Everyone will regret that. And we’ll be the ones who have to deal with a mopey Chief of Police.” Audrey can’t help smiling at that, the smallest bit, and the razor coil in her stomach subsides a little.
“I was going to tell him,” she states, twisting her fingers in knots and studying faint cracks in the wall. “After he was…” She still can’t say it, not without the world crashing in on her. “I was going to tell him everything. But then Jordan was there.”
Claire’s face smooths over at the mention of Jordan’s name, her jaw clenching. “Did he go to her?” Audrey blinks.
“What?”
Claire tilts her head with a small, smug smile. “Nathan. You said Jordan was there, and that’s why you didn’t talk to him. But did he leave, or did you?”
“I…” Maybe we can skip the party. Go somewhere, talk.
Now’s not a good time… “I want him to be happy,” she finally answers. Knows it’s not an answer at all. Claire’s eyebrows shoot up, practically into her hair.
“Really, Audrey? Do you really want me to poke holes in that argument?” Audrey glares, crossing her arms across herself. She does want him to be happy. At first, she’d pushed him away to keep him safe. But now…
[Some move on. Some spend every moment searching for a way to save her, to bring her back, to keep her here. Some try to forget, but in the end she ruins them all.]
Audrey just knows, somehow, that she can’t drag Nathan in any deeper than he already is. Can’t let him love her, not the way both of them want. Because when she’s ripped away, the deeper the roots, the harder for him it will be. Better than Jordan is there, to start filling in the gaps Audrey’s already started to leave behind.
(There’s still that annoying, nagging doubt that tugs at her, unfurls the knot in her stomach. That he’d moved on so easily; that maybe, he’d never really wanted her at all...) Audrey bites her lip, shakes her head sharply. “It’s better this way,” she states, a finality to her tone that should stop even-
“You pushed him away because you think he really cares about Jordan,” Claire bowls right on. “And you don’t want to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt.”
Audrey occasionally wonders if Claire is Troubled, because there’s no way anyone could read her that well.
She finds herself staring at the therapist for a moment, finally just nods mutely because denying it won’t do anyone any good. Claire sighs. “Audrey, I’ve seen just about every type of love, lust, obsession, rejection… And I can tell you that Nathan Wuornos is absolutely, irrevocably in love with you. He would do anything for you. Yes, he and Jordan have a connection, and yes, he probably cares about her, but he doesn’t love her. Not the way he loves you.”
“That’s the problem,” Audrey says softly.
Claire has no answer for that.
xxx
She tells Nathan about James. It changes nothing.
xxx
got to listen to the vision
some may say a dream
words from the unseen
or it can make you tired, tell you lies, make you fall
xxx
Next Chapter: 004 - No One Will Riot For Less