Happy Halloween! Now where's my goddamned Apocalypse?
Modern-day Halloween is a holiday mostly evolved from earlier days, much unlike it's cousin holiday; Dinosaur Day. Dinosaur Day (often referred to as D Day) never evolved, since neither did it's namesake. The Halloween we're all familiar with is a combination of the celebrations of past cultures. For example, the mask-wearing aspect started with ancient Aztec priests. They would wear ornate masks so the little Aztec boys couldn't identify who was molesting them; a lesson Catholic priests have yet to learn.
The candy-gathering aspect is a tradition started by the Mongols, the blood drinking by the Celts, and so on and so on.
In some cultures, today and in the past, Halloween is a truly dark day; when the dead rise from the grave, and goblins came out of their caves to wreak havoc across the lands. It is a night when the mortal plane comes fabulously close to Judgment day. And mark my words, the Apocalypse will be a horrible day; a day where mere water will instantly kill you upon touch for no rational reason, just like it did in Super Mario Bros. And if you're like me (and I know I am), you thought the Apocalypse was finally here:
- Wildfires ravaged the calm countryside of Southern California. "Dead Trees", once considered to be "living trees" burn easily, so these flames of red rage spread at an alarming rate. Unnoticed to many, this prompted neo-nazi's from all over the world to migrate here with their Jewish prisoners. Naturally, this Fourth Reich will be set up with Herr Schwarzenegger at its head.
- The employees of Albertsons, Vons, and some other major supermarket I can't recall (because they didn't sell porn) went on strike. They marched up and down the streets carrying silly signs and beckoning the usually good drivers of California to run them over.
- ELEAWTA (Eating Lethal and Endangered Animals While They're Alive) is on the rise. Need I say more about a group who's purpose is to subdue and eat endangered species, so that the exquisite tastes can be sampled before said animal becomes extinct?
......
If you've been out of the loop, visiting another planet, in a coma, or dead for the past month, you'll know that the Apocalypse never arrived. And I am SICK AND TIRED of waiting for it!!! For the Apocalypse means that we're one step closer to the future!
The future, ladies and gentlemen and Lisa Monique! A period which would have (according to the movies) started in 2001! I've been waiting in anticipation for years and years... I have invested heavily in laser gun technology, spandex, and flying cars with a glass bubble dome-type thingie on top. All for nothing! I am PISSED. You know, I'd be content for the time being if Toyota would rip the top portion of my truck's cab off, and wield a glass bubble dome-type thingie on instead. But can I even get that?!?!?!? Nooooooooooo.
The problem is, as I already pointed out, as the movies already pointed out, is that we're already in the future. Yet still, nothing I mentioned above, true indicators of the future; have made their advent. I want my flying car with fucking glass bubble dome-type thingie!
The future sucks.
The candy-gathering aspect is a tradition started by the Mongols, the blood drinking by the Celts, and so on and so on.
In some cultures, today and in the past, Halloween is a truly dark day; when the dead rise from the grave, and goblins came out of their caves to wreak havoc across the lands. It is a night when the mortal plane comes fabulously close to Judgment day. And mark my words, the Apocalypse will be a horrible day; a day where mere water will instantly kill you upon touch for no rational reason, just like it did in Super Mario Bros. And if you're like me (and I know I am), you thought the Apocalypse was finally here:
- Wildfires ravaged the calm countryside of Southern California. "Dead Trees", once considered to be "living trees" burn easily, so these flames of red rage spread at an alarming rate. Unnoticed to many, this prompted neo-nazi's from all over the world to migrate here with their Jewish prisoners. Naturally, this Fourth Reich will be set up with Herr Schwarzenegger at its head.
- The employees of Albertsons, Vons, and some other major supermarket I can't recall (because they didn't sell porn) went on strike. They marched up and down the streets carrying silly signs and beckoning the usually good drivers of California to run them over.
- ELEAWTA (Eating Lethal and Endangered Animals While They're Alive) is on the rise. Need I say more about a group who's purpose is to subdue and eat endangered species, so that the exquisite tastes can be sampled before said animal becomes extinct?
......
If you've been out of the loop, visiting another planet, in a coma, or dead for the past month, you'll know that the Apocalypse never arrived. And I am SICK AND TIRED of waiting for it!!! For the Apocalypse means that we're one step closer to the future!
The future, ladies and gentlemen and Lisa Monique! A period which would have (according to the movies) started in 2001! I've been waiting in anticipation for years and years... I have invested heavily in laser gun technology, spandex, and flying cars with a glass bubble dome-type thingie on top. All for nothing! I am PISSED. You know, I'd be content for the time being if Toyota would rip the top portion of my truck's cab off, and wield a glass bubble dome-type thingie on instead. But can I even get that?!?!?!? Nooooooooooo.
The problem is, as I already pointed out, as the movies already pointed out, is that we're already in the future. Yet still, nothing I mentioned above, true indicators of the future; have made their advent. I want my flying car with fucking glass bubble dome-type thingie!
The future sucks.