Happy Fucking Birthday
Well, it's that retarded time of the year again...that one day out of the year that makes me feel older than I actually am, and not older in a good sense. I'm not really depressed about it, it just gets to me. I mean, I'm now 23, haven't gone to college, only one bullshit basic certification in computers, and I work at fucking Taco Bell. I'd say I've wasted a better part of my life thus far, wouldn't you? Normal 23-year-olds go out, party, drink...that sort of thing (reminds me of Rawb), but I don't. There's a question of "why" sitting there, but also a counter-statement that I'm not normal. And I truly am not normal. Any of those people out that that truly know me for who and what I am can tell you that I am not normal. I've strived my entire life to not be normal. I don't want to be summed up or lumped in with the rest of them. So who am I? How do I define myself. Where do I start searching for who I really am. But, if I've already begun that search...when and where did it begin, and where was the line crossed when I stopped caring? What I basically understand about myself is this:
I am a computer nerd. I am a hacker (not to be confused with a "cracker" in computer terms). The amount of knowledge I have about computer systems scares me at times. I care too much about the simpliest things, and not enough about important ones. I am a lover--in the fact that I give my all, sacrifice myself in a way, to make sure that those I love do not hurt. I am loyal to those I love to the bitter end...even if those I love and I have fall-outs...and I will love and protect those I care about at any cost.
I am all these things, and yet, I feel that I am somewhat below the "average Joe". Not on any intellectual level, but merely on a physical or environmental level. I surround myself with petty situations, if for no other reason but to become disgusted by them. Another thing I find disturbing is that I try to protect someone just for the sake of feeling like a saviour of sorts. But I've not quite perfected the system of it yet, and it always ends with a complete upheaval of the friendship...though ultimately changing the person's situation for the better. It's really a win-lose configuration, with the end result being the destruction of a close friendship, and another piece of me falling away. But these are the things that I am. This is how I define MYSELF. And after 23 years, I've come to the conclusion that I am no better, nor any more special than any one else on this goddamned planet...and that fact makes me feel very self-destructive.
Razell/Sam
I am a computer nerd. I am a hacker (not to be confused with a "cracker" in computer terms). The amount of knowledge I have about computer systems scares me at times. I care too much about the simpliest things, and not enough about important ones. I am a lover--in the fact that I give my all, sacrifice myself in a way, to make sure that those I love do not hurt. I am loyal to those I love to the bitter end...even if those I love and I have fall-outs...and I will love and protect those I care about at any cost.
I am all these things, and yet, I feel that I am somewhat below the "average Joe". Not on any intellectual level, but merely on a physical or environmental level. I surround myself with petty situations, if for no other reason but to become disgusted by them. Another thing I find disturbing is that I try to protect someone just for the sake of feeling like a saviour of sorts. But I've not quite perfected the system of it yet, and it always ends with a complete upheaval of the friendship...though ultimately changing the person's situation for the better. It's really a win-lose configuration, with the end result being the destruction of a close friendship, and another piece of me falling away. But these are the things that I am. This is how I define MYSELF. And after 23 years, I've come to the conclusion that I am no better, nor any more special than any one else on this goddamned planet...and that fact makes me feel very self-destructive.
Razell/Sam