Can't Have It Both Ways.
Today, my father and I were checking out at Wal-Mart. In order to expedite our departure, I went to put the shopping cart away while he paid. On my way back to where he stood, I saw someone coming towards me. I stopped and waited for them to pass. The man who passed me remarked, "You do pretty well for someone with black glasses and a cane."
Not knowing what else to say, I replied, "Thank you." But as I walked back to my father, I was unsure if it was a backhanded compliment, especially since his tone seemed like it could be somewhat disbelieving or a tad snarky. I could not see his face, so whatever expression it carried was completely lost on me.
I've been legally blind my whole life, and I've learned to do everything in my power to not collide with people and objects. The man, from a distance, was a white oval with a brown circle on top. It's not what most people would call a person, but I saw it move toward me. If we had been in a wider space, I would have continued walking, but the path through the checkout lines is fairly narrow, so I thought it best to wait and see if the blur was trying to move through the same space that I was. This time, I was correct. Sometimes, no one comes and I wonder if I just spent a few seconds looking like I had no idea what I was doing.
I honestly do very well for someone who can't see clearly and whose eyes will mis-see objects or not see them at all, and it's nice when people notice how well I do, but it can also make things harder. I've had people not believe that I was disabled before. I even had a mall cop get in my face and argue with me about whether or not I had a disability. I took off my glasses so that he could see my lazy eye and how my eyes constantly shake and don't really focus. He still argued with me, until I got up the nerve to flat out march away from him. I was about fifteen at the time and found it very upsetting. Now that I'm older and more used to it, I don't find interactions like these nearly as upsetting, though no one has been as vocal as that mall cop. I wonder if remarks such as, "You do pretty well for someone with black glasses and a cane," are more critical than complimentary. Could the person think that I really shouldn't be carrying a cane, or were they honestly trying to give me a compliment? I feel like it implies that they didn't expect me to get around well. Granted, getting around is sometimes difficult or very stressful, especially in big crowds, but it's hardly the kind of thing for which I'd expect to receive praise.
I think it might have to do with how I was raised. My parents were never sure of how blind I was. They did not know until I was fourteen that I don't see outlines around objects and that the only things I use to distinguish objects are their color and how light reflects off of them. I don't remember people complimenting me on how well I did with my disability as a qualifier, and I still don't look at my accomplishments relative to the impairments I had to accommodate while achieving them, even when it is relevant.
I also feel like there is this misconception that everyone who carries a white cane is completely blind. We're all visually impaired to varying degrees, just like how people in wheelchairs have many different mobility problems, people who carry white canes have many different visual issues. I met a scientist who studies snakes in Latin America (How cool is that!) who carries a cane because she has no vision in the center but has her peripheral vision. I lack most peripheral vision on the sides, above, and below, and my limited field is pretty blurry. I have not asked other people I know who carry canes to describe what they can and can't see, but I'm sure that I would receive many different answers. There are also many different ways to use a cane and several different tips for them depending on what the user needs. For example, the tip on my cane rolls so that I can glide it across the floor.
It's hard to find a balance between being seen as capable of many things and having people understand that I don't process everything the same way and that I sometimes need help. When it comes to being legally blind, there are two main points of view on how we should operate in the world. One is that stores and public places should adapt to help us and the other is that we should become completely self-sufficient. When I learned how to use a white cane, I was told to just keep walking and not move to accommodate the other people walking around me, since they should move out of my way, but not everyone is paying attention and not everyone knows what my cane means. For all the confused people who probably wondered why the "blind" woman moved out of their way, there are many people who only realized I couldn't see as I was already passing them and at least a few more who did not notice at all.
So, today I stepped out of someones way like I usually do and was told that I did "pretty well for someone with black glasses and a cane." I still don't know if I was being made fun of in some way, nor do I have a facial expression to put with the words. Maybe it was a compliment or simply a tactless statement. The best thing to do would be to take it at face value, since, all things considered, I do indeed do pretty well!
(Also, I love Toph and almost never have a reason to use this icon, so thank you, Wal-Mart stranger, for you have given me an opportunity! :3)
Not knowing what else to say, I replied, "Thank you." But as I walked back to my father, I was unsure if it was a backhanded compliment, especially since his tone seemed like it could be somewhat disbelieving or a tad snarky. I could not see his face, so whatever expression it carried was completely lost on me.
I've been legally blind my whole life, and I've learned to do everything in my power to not collide with people and objects. The man, from a distance, was a white oval with a brown circle on top. It's not what most people would call a person, but I saw it move toward me. If we had been in a wider space, I would have continued walking, but the path through the checkout lines is fairly narrow, so I thought it best to wait and see if the blur was trying to move through the same space that I was. This time, I was correct. Sometimes, no one comes and I wonder if I just spent a few seconds looking like I had no idea what I was doing.
I honestly do very well for someone who can't see clearly and whose eyes will mis-see objects or not see them at all, and it's nice when people notice how well I do, but it can also make things harder. I've had people not believe that I was disabled before. I even had a mall cop get in my face and argue with me about whether or not I had a disability. I took off my glasses so that he could see my lazy eye and how my eyes constantly shake and don't really focus. He still argued with me, until I got up the nerve to flat out march away from him. I was about fifteen at the time and found it very upsetting. Now that I'm older and more used to it, I don't find interactions like these nearly as upsetting, though no one has been as vocal as that mall cop. I wonder if remarks such as, "You do pretty well for someone with black glasses and a cane," are more critical than complimentary. Could the person think that I really shouldn't be carrying a cane, or were they honestly trying to give me a compliment? I feel like it implies that they didn't expect me to get around well. Granted, getting around is sometimes difficult or very stressful, especially in big crowds, but it's hardly the kind of thing for which I'd expect to receive praise.
I think it might have to do with how I was raised. My parents were never sure of how blind I was. They did not know until I was fourteen that I don't see outlines around objects and that the only things I use to distinguish objects are their color and how light reflects off of them. I don't remember people complimenting me on how well I did with my disability as a qualifier, and I still don't look at my accomplishments relative to the impairments I had to accommodate while achieving them, even when it is relevant.
I also feel like there is this misconception that everyone who carries a white cane is completely blind. We're all visually impaired to varying degrees, just like how people in wheelchairs have many different mobility problems, people who carry white canes have many different visual issues. I met a scientist who studies snakes in Latin America (How cool is that!) who carries a cane because she has no vision in the center but has her peripheral vision. I lack most peripheral vision on the sides, above, and below, and my limited field is pretty blurry. I have not asked other people I know who carry canes to describe what they can and can't see, but I'm sure that I would receive many different answers. There are also many different ways to use a cane and several different tips for them depending on what the user needs. For example, the tip on my cane rolls so that I can glide it across the floor.
It's hard to find a balance between being seen as capable of many things and having people understand that I don't process everything the same way and that I sometimes need help. When it comes to being legally blind, there are two main points of view on how we should operate in the world. One is that stores and public places should adapt to help us and the other is that we should become completely self-sufficient. When I learned how to use a white cane, I was told to just keep walking and not move to accommodate the other people walking around me, since they should move out of my way, but not everyone is paying attention and not everyone knows what my cane means. For all the confused people who probably wondered why the "blind" woman moved out of their way, there are many people who only realized I couldn't see as I was already passing them and at least a few more who did not notice at all.
So, today I stepped out of someones way like I usually do and was told that I did "pretty well for someone with black glasses and a cane." I still don't know if I was being made fun of in some way, nor do I have a facial expression to put with the words. Maybe it was a compliment or simply a tactless statement. The best thing to do would be to take it at face value, since, all things considered, I do indeed do pretty well!
(Also, I love Toph and almost never have a reason to use this icon, so thank you, Wal-Mart stranger, for you have given me an opportunity! :3)