Goodbye, Robert. (Yes, you can read this too, if you want)
I've avoided writing anything about this topic since Robert and I broke up 2 weeks ago. The reason being that he has access to my blogs on most of the sites where I have one. I didn't want him to see how much I'm hurt. I don't know what kind of hurt it is at the moment; maybe it was the fact that he decided that he didn't want to do it in person, or that he "wasn't half as interested in the relationship" as I was. Or maybe it was the fact that he had let me hang in limbo, when I gave him ample opportunity to break up with me. I don't know if he still has feelings for me or what, but we ended it. Over Email. And I'm hurt and sad and angry. I'm considering deleting him from my life permanently, seeing as we're already not speaking.
The breakup was actually a huge weight off of my shoulders. I had been, I guess, overly-involved with caring about him. He has some health issues that I won't divulge, that were driving him crazy (although some of them seemed to magically resolve themselves after the break up like his hands getting well enough to actually sign into AIM). I cared way too much, but naturally, as his girlfriend, I tried to be there for him. Unfortunately, most of the time I was more of his medical advisor or his therapist than I was his girlfriend.
I'm slowly progressing through the five stages of heartbreak, albeit, somewhat out of order. Lastnight I had a dream that was just totally unfair to me; about him and I seeing each other again and actually working out why we broke up and him still keeping our memories, and telling me that he still has feelings for me-- that it was all some kind of joke. That's never going to happen in real life, though it would be nice if it did. But I have a feeling he's already looking for my replacement -.-; I mean, the way he intentionally neglected me, I feel like maybe he didn't have any feelings for me at all. I feel disposable, and I'm angry about that.
I know I am strong enough to move on from this, but I feel myself clinging to the possibility that one day, when we are both on AIM, that he will message me and say exactly what I need to hear: That he DID care about me, and still has feelings for me, and that his personal problems were just too overwhelming for him to be in a relationship, and that he understands how much emotional pain he put me through, and he is sincerely sorry for it-- that he knows that I tried as hard as I could to be there for him, no matter how much personal pain I endured from watching him suffer, and that he's sorry for taking advantage of my patience and kindness. That he made a huge mistake in letting me go.
So I don't know where I stand at this moment in time. I'm falling prey to emotions that should have struck me sooner, like thinking I miss him. I don't know if that's actually true or not, because a good part of me abhors him for what he did to me. Part of me misses what we had when things were still new, but I don't know if that part can delegate for the rest of me.
I think of all the emotions I'm feeling right now, the best one to describe me is UNCOMFORTABLE. I was way too attached, and it happened way too early. I'm not depressed enough to be lonely, I just feel displaced. It happened in such an awkward way, and while I saw it coming, I was almost too ready for it. I knew when it wasn't right for me-- when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship anymore, yet I didn't do anything about it because I hoped things would work themselves out. That's what hurts so much, that I knew so early that it wasn't going to work (and not trusting my instincts). I was looking to him to dictate the speed, and he took us way too fast. I was letting him tell me if I was making the mistakes, and he couldn't choose the right words (most of the time he didn't use words at all). He was always so brash and cruel with his words when he did have them; I still tried for him, anyway, because I thought he was a worthwhile person to get to know-- but there was absolutely no communication. The emotion drained way too quickly afterward, until we were just a shell.
All I know is that I was one HECK of a girlfriend to him; that I was patient and kind, and open-minded and accepting and honest with him... and that I thought I loved him. But I guess it isn't fair to me-- love is better spent on someone who can give it back.
I just hope I have the strength to love again.
Farewell, Robert...
The breakup was actually a huge weight off of my shoulders. I had been, I guess, overly-involved with caring about him. He has some health issues that I won't divulge, that were driving him crazy (although some of them seemed to magically resolve themselves after the break up like his hands getting well enough to actually sign into AIM). I cared way too much, but naturally, as his girlfriend, I tried to be there for him. Unfortunately, most of the time I was more of his medical advisor or his therapist than I was his girlfriend.
I'm slowly progressing through the five stages of heartbreak, albeit, somewhat out of order. Lastnight I had a dream that was just totally unfair to me; about him and I seeing each other again and actually working out why we broke up and him still keeping our memories, and telling me that he still has feelings for me-- that it was all some kind of joke. That's never going to happen in real life, though it would be nice if it did. But I have a feeling he's already looking for my replacement -.-; I mean, the way he intentionally neglected me, I feel like maybe he didn't have any feelings for me at all. I feel disposable, and I'm angry about that.
I know I am strong enough to move on from this, but I feel myself clinging to the possibility that one day, when we are both on AIM, that he will message me and say exactly what I need to hear: That he DID care about me, and still has feelings for me, and that his personal problems were just too overwhelming for him to be in a relationship, and that he understands how much emotional pain he put me through, and he is sincerely sorry for it-- that he knows that I tried as hard as I could to be there for him, no matter how much personal pain I endured from watching him suffer, and that he's sorry for taking advantage of my patience and kindness. That he made a huge mistake in letting me go.
So I don't know where I stand at this moment in time. I'm falling prey to emotions that should have struck me sooner, like thinking I miss him. I don't know if that's actually true or not, because a good part of me abhors him for what he did to me. Part of me misses what we had when things were still new, but I don't know if that part can delegate for the rest of me.
I think of all the emotions I'm feeling right now, the best one to describe me is UNCOMFORTABLE. I was way too attached, and it happened way too early. I'm not depressed enough to be lonely, I just feel displaced. It happened in such an awkward way, and while I saw it coming, I was almost too ready for it. I knew when it wasn't right for me-- when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship anymore, yet I didn't do anything about it because I hoped things would work themselves out. That's what hurts so much, that I knew so early that it wasn't going to work (and not trusting my instincts). I was looking to him to dictate the speed, and he took us way too fast. I was letting him tell me if I was making the mistakes, and he couldn't choose the right words (most of the time he didn't use words at all). He was always so brash and cruel with his words when he did have them; I still tried for him, anyway, because I thought he was a worthwhile person to get to know-- but there was absolutely no communication. The emotion drained way too quickly afterward, until we were just a shell.
All I know is that I was one HECK of a girlfriend to him; that I was patient and kind, and open-minded and accepting and honest with him... and that I thought I loved him. But I guess it isn't fair to me-- love is better spent on someone who can give it back.
I just hope I have the strength to love again.
Farewell, Robert...