(no subject)
I always feel pressed for time. It's only 10:30 and I've got the whole day ahead of me, yet I feel like it's already almost over. I feel like I've got everything planned out already even though I don't have any plans! I think I'm feeling the pressure of going back to school "full-time". I've been feeling anxious and a little panicky lately and I'm sure it's because of that. That and the fact that my work hours are being split in half and another kid is being added to the picture.
I'm almost done with MCC. After 49875476 years there and after living in FL and all of the other BS I've done, I'm finally trying to get situated. I wish I knew what I wanted to do. I've been praying and praying and I think I'm psyching myself out. I'm positive that I am called to do something with kids, I'm just not sure what yet. Everyone always says you'd be such a good teacher and dah dah dah, but here's the thing I don't want to do that. I couldn't handle working with 20 little kids all day. I'm good one on one, but that's about it. I'm really interested in Art History and I think I might like to do something with that or with teaching little kids art. That or working as a speech therapist maybe. See I just don't know and I'm pretty tired of hearing everyone else's two cents when I haven't asked for it! Aaron tells me I can be good at anything I want to be good at but here's the thing I don't really want to try to be good at something, I just want to be good at it. Maybe that's not how it works and maybe that's selfish and foolish to think about it, but atleast I'm being truthful.
I'm aching too go back to church and it's like pulling a tooth to get Aaron and me up and out the door to a church we like and believe in and feel comfortable at. Geez God, I'd like to go and praise you with some other people weekly, can ya help me out or what buddy!
This whole losing weight business isn't really happening. I got a new work out dvd at the library yesterday to try out. It's a combo of pilates, yoga and dance. So maybe I will like this one. I know I'm not going to be 130lbs like I was 3 years ago, but I'm not loving what's going on right now. Between getting too comfortable with Aaron, my meds and a busy schedule my body has ballooned. Ugh. Come on self, get it together!
I talked to Em the other day and she sounded good. Different, but good. I know I just have to give it some time for things to get back to normal. I'm happy for her. Jealous too a little and I can admit that. I'm tired of waiting. I know it's what I need to do, but I am anxious to plan and celebrate and do all of the fun things I just got to do with her. I'm glad she is in Corning. If she was farther away I would be sad.
You know I just got off the phone with my dad and I am so mad. I know I shouldn't expect anything from him and should be thankful that he just paid my 1600 for tuition, but I told him my books would be around 400 bucks and he said I should be able to take care of that. Yeah well, you know what? You're the one who wanted me to go to school full time this semester and you're the one who knows I won't be working enough to barely cover my fricking rent and now I should just be able to buy my GD books? Seriously wtf. I feel greedy. That isn't the case though. Just mad that I never had the chance to go to school like a normal kid away from her parents and be with friends and not have to worry about paying for shit and having a job and taking care of things and being in a spider web of lies between my parents to keep them informed about one another's personal lives, but still happy without telling the truth. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCKER.
Maybe I'll scrapbook today. I wanted to go to VS but it looks like I might be closed in for the day. Aaron doesn't like to shop just for the pure fun of shopping. I wish I didn't either. Guess I get that from my Mom. Aaron looks so handsome in his glasses. I don't know why he puts up with me or how I got blessed with him, but boy I sure and happy and thankful. I hope he continues to love me the way he does. I wish I had a good way to show him how much I care. If my emotions weren't so f'ed up then I couold do a better job. I hope he understands a little. Blah. I love the picture of me and Emily from her wedding. Her pictures were better than I was expecting.
We had ribs and corn on the cob for dinner last night and it was awesome. MMM. I love wegmans. I have a new friend Sarah. I'm not sure if I can handle her emotional issues and mine. Maybe we're made for each other. Who knows.
I'm almost done with MCC. After 49875476 years there and after living in FL and all of the other BS I've done, I'm finally trying to get situated. I wish I knew what I wanted to do. I've been praying and praying and I think I'm psyching myself out. I'm positive that I am called to do something with kids, I'm just not sure what yet. Everyone always says you'd be such a good teacher and dah dah dah, but here's the thing I don't want to do that. I couldn't handle working with 20 little kids all day. I'm good one on one, but that's about it. I'm really interested in Art History and I think I might like to do something with that or with teaching little kids art. That or working as a speech therapist maybe. See I just don't know and I'm pretty tired of hearing everyone else's two cents when I haven't asked for it! Aaron tells me I can be good at anything I want to be good at but here's the thing I don't really want to try to be good at something, I just want to be good at it. Maybe that's not how it works and maybe that's selfish and foolish to think about it, but atleast I'm being truthful.
I'm aching too go back to church and it's like pulling a tooth to get Aaron and me up and out the door to a church we like and believe in and feel comfortable at. Geez God, I'd like to go and praise you with some other people weekly, can ya help me out or what buddy!
This whole losing weight business isn't really happening. I got a new work out dvd at the library yesterday to try out. It's a combo of pilates, yoga and dance. So maybe I will like this one. I know I'm not going to be 130lbs like I was 3 years ago, but I'm not loving what's going on right now. Between getting too comfortable with Aaron, my meds and a busy schedule my body has ballooned. Ugh. Come on self, get it together!
I talked to Em the other day and she sounded good. Different, but good. I know I just have to give it some time for things to get back to normal. I'm happy for her. Jealous too a little and I can admit that. I'm tired of waiting. I know it's what I need to do, but I am anxious to plan and celebrate and do all of the fun things I just got to do with her. I'm glad she is in Corning. If she was farther away I would be sad.
You know I just got off the phone with my dad and I am so mad. I know I shouldn't expect anything from him and should be thankful that he just paid my 1600 for tuition, but I told him my books would be around 400 bucks and he said I should be able to take care of that. Yeah well, you know what? You're the one who wanted me to go to school full time this semester and you're the one who knows I won't be working enough to barely cover my fricking rent and now I should just be able to buy my GD books? Seriously wtf. I feel greedy. That isn't the case though. Just mad that I never had the chance to go to school like a normal kid away from her parents and be with friends and not have to worry about paying for shit and having a job and taking care of things and being in a spider web of lies between my parents to keep them informed about one another's personal lives, but still happy without telling the truth. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCKER.
Maybe I'll scrapbook today. I wanted to go to VS but it looks like I might be closed in for the day. Aaron doesn't like to shop just for the pure fun of shopping. I wish I didn't either. Guess I get that from my Mom. Aaron looks so handsome in his glasses. I don't know why he puts up with me or how I got blessed with him, but boy I sure and happy and thankful. I hope he continues to love me the way he does. I wish I had a good way to show him how much I care. If my emotions weren't so f'ed up then I couold do a better job. I hope he understands a little. Blah. I love the picture of me and Emily from her wedding. Her pictures were better than I was expecting.
We had ribs and corn on the cob for dinner last night and it was awesome. MMM. I love wegmans. I have a new friend Sarah. I'm not sure if I can handle her emotional issues and mine. Maybe we're made for each other. Who knows.