Goodbye.
May 4, 1988 - October 16, 2006
The house is so quiet...
... I'm trying my best to drown it out with music.
Playing it as loud as the speakers will let me...
... mixing up the sad songs with the angry ones...
... it isn't working.
Cleaning the apartment is just erasing reminders... disgusting, as they are.
Vacuuming all the stray cat litter that he tracked all over 'cause he couldn't retract his claws.
Bits of fur that was brushed off while combing out all the knots he would get.
Dried mud that I tracked in the morning after we buried him...
... this really sucks.
Bat was with me for eighteen years...
... eighteen years worth of memories.
He wasn't just a cat...
... he was a brother...
... a familiar...
... a friend.
I felt connected to him... when I would look into his eyes... I'd see the spark that set him apart from any other animal.
When I'd fall asleep... he'd already be asleep beside me.
He could sense when I needed him...
... after my heart was broken and I collapsed onto my bed... he came out of nowhere 'n licked my face as if to say "at least you've still got me".
And now I don't.
He isn't sleeping on the couch... he's sleeping in the cold ground.
I dug the hole... I placed him inside... I buried him.
I cried... I sobbed... I couldn't control it... I tried... I stood there... watched the vet inject him... watched his eyes grow wide... watched the spark fade... I watched my cat die.
It's etched in my mind... those last few moments of his life... those last few moments when I touched his body... now just an empty shell... I broke down... with my head in my hands.
I miss him so much...
... the horrid silence......
...... the times of heart-wrenching ache; when after I do something that had my attention ends and it comes crashing down on me again and again and again that he isn't here... he's gone.
Even now... as I write this... tears are streaming down my face... I've stopped trying to control them... the chemical release they create will do that for me...... and fuck that, I deserve to cry... I put him down... it was my decision... my choice...... to end his life... to rob him of his spark.........
It's day two... and I'm no better... I'm just so sorry.
The house is so quiet...
... I'm trying my best to drown it out with music.
Playing it as loud as the speakers will let me...
... mixing up the sad songs with the angry ones...
... it isn't working.
Cleaning the apartment is just erasing reminders... disgusting, as they are.
Vacuuming all the stray cat litter that he tracked all over 'cause he couldn't retract his claws.
Bits of fur that was brushed off while combing out all the knots he would get.
Dried mud that I tracked in the morning after we buried him...
... this really sucks.
Bat was with me for eighteen years...
... eighteen years worth of memories.
He wasn't just a cat...
... he was a brother...
... a familiar...
... a friend.
I felt connected to him... when I would look into his eyes... I'd see the spark that set him apart from any other animal.
When I'd fall asleep... he'd already be asleep beside me.
He could sense when I needed him...
... after my heart was broken and I collapsed onto my bed... he came out of nowhere 'n licked my face as if to say "at least you've still got me".
And now I don't.
He isn't sleeping on the couch... he's sleeping in the cold ground.
I dug the hole... I placed him inside... I buried him.
I cried... I sobbed... I couldn't control it... I tried... I stood there... watched the vet inject him... watched his eyes grow wide... watched the spark fade... I watched my cat die.
It's etched in my mind... those last few moments of his life... those last few moments when I touched his body... now just an empty shell... I broke down... with my head in my hands.
I miss him so much...
... the horrid silence......
...... the times of heart-wrenching ache; when after I do something that had my attention ends and it comes crashing down on me again and again and again that he isn't here... he's gone.
Even now... as I write this... tears are streaming down my face... I've stopped trying to control them... the chemical release they create will do that for me...... and fuck that, I deserve to cry... I put him down... it was my decision... my choice...... to end his life... to rob him of his spark.........
It's day two... and I'm no better... I'm just so sorry.