I hate my life

[razareil]

I don't trust my S.O. anymore. I recently realized that, and I don't know how long it's been true. Probably since the cybersex thing in August. But you know, I was right all along about seeing the big patterns in the little things, because people don't change. That much, or that fast, or that on-demand. Every time, it breaks my heart to realize that I was wrong to trust him. And it's only by chance that I stumble on things, because I try not to be suspicious, not to snoop unless I have reason. He fucking lied to me. He's been anonymously flirting with girls--some of whom I know, some of whom are among my best friends--on Facebook all along, and the blowup over the cybersex thing doesn't seem to have affected his behavior all that much at all. When he talks about how he's taken and loves his girlfriend or whatever, it sounds like such disingenuous bullshit. Sometimes when he says he loves me, I wonder if he just feels like he needs me because I'm the only person who wants him and loves (loved?) him, because everyone else passed on him and I wonder if maybe they were wiser/smarter/right after all. Somebody once told me that he had better treat me right and hold on to me because I'm the best thing that'll ever happen to him. I disagreed with her at the time, but sometimes I believe it more and more now.

My first thought was not really anger, not at him, but hatred of myself for being the sort of fool for men that I promised myself I would never become. And I spent several minutes wondering if today was a good day, since I'm done with all my responsibilities for winter term and have spring break free, to see how hard it really is to slash my wrists open.