Energy
And suddenly, my cautious, take-it-as-it-comes-conveniently attitude has been replaced with a roaring, impatient energy. Need to move forward, step it up, advance. I know Izta always feels this way.
Crafting cool stuff, dissecting social norms under a microscope, photography, living beautifully - I love these things, and I'm good at them. But the world with all its capitalism and integration and xenophobia is pushing back hard; telling me a life like this isn't possible, at least not unless I'm willing to exploit the very people that share my passions to make money doing it.
So, do more, or do it more idealistically? I despise compromises.
And then there is this country. A relatively tolerant place, I'm told, but it doesn't feel that way from here. Barely any cultural ongoings to speak of. Do I bash my head against the wall trying to change that, or GTFO and take the setbacks of having to resettle and perhaps learn a new language for greater long-term potential? It seems that both require all these social, 'networking' skills that are the one thing I have no talent for whatsoever.
Germany's an obvious choice. It's beautiful and heavily cultured, and although barely anyone speaks english I'm told the language is easy to pick up when you know dutch. On the other hand, being poor there is supposed to suck worse than it does here, and I don't really know what's going on in germany... the coolest vibes I'm picking up on the net are all from the US. Where people do speak english, but where I'd have no right to earn any kind of living, or stay longer than a couple' months, nevermind the travel costs.
All of these are questions I'll have to solve for myself, I guess - but in the meantime, I'm feeling capped, like some artificial limit is keeping me from doing everything I want to do with my life. Probably at least partially an illusion... there's always other options, if you're creative and take initiatives. Too bad I suck at initiative.
So, now what? Keep exploring my field, hoping options will show themselves? Broaden my skills to other areas that can be practised locally, like event decoration, maybe shows, eventually organizing? Even that requires leaping a few social hurdles, but they seem to be more doable ones.
These are more internal thoughts than I usually put down, but I'm hoping it'll help me keep some of this focus when the mood wears off.
Crafting cool stuff, dissecting social norms under a microscope, photography, living beautifully - I love these things, and I'm good at them. But the world with all its capitalism and integration and xenophobia is pushing back hard; telling me a life like this isn't possible, at least not unless I'm willing to exploit the very people that share my passions to make money doing it.
So, do more, or do it more idealistically? I despise compromises.
And then there is this country. A relatively tolerant place, I'm told, but it doesn't feel that way from here. Barely any cultural ongoings to speak of. Do I bash my head against the wall trying to change that, or GTFO and take the setbacks of having to resettle and perhaps learn a new language for greater long-term potential? It seems that both require all these social, 'networking' skills that are the one thing I have no talent for whatsoever.
Germany's an obvious choice. It's beautiful and heavily cultured, and although barely anyone speaks english I'm told the language is easy to pick up when you know dutch. On the other hand, being poor there is supposed to suck worse than it does here, and I don't really know what's going on in germany... the coolest vibes I'm picking up on the net are all from the US. Where people do speak english, but where I'd have no right to earn any kind of living, or stay longer than a couple' months, nevermind the travel costs.
All of these are questions I'll have to solve for myself, I guess - but in the meantime, I'm feeling capped, like some artificial limit is keeping me from doing everything I want to do with my life. Probably at least partially an illusion... there's always other options, if you're creative and take initiatives. Too bad I suck at initiative.
So, now what? Keep exploring my field, hoping options will show themselves? Broaden my skills to other areas that can be practised locally, like event decoration, maybe shows, eventually organizing? Even that requires leaping a few social hurdles, but they seem to be more doable ones.
These are more internal thoughts than I usually put down, but I'm hoping it'll help me keep some of this focus when the mood wears off.