It's occured to me...[Unfinish]
That a darker income has taken over me.
First; it was only a part of me, something I knew was there, but ignored. I suppose I held it off to long because I knew what was going to happen. Although, I feel as if this is a suicide note, when I type this, I can hear someone else's voice reading this aloud. A habit I have seemed to keep, apparently.
I feel as if I have become so thirsty for lust that I had gotten ahead of myself. I am trying to quit that, of course. It is something I am not ready for, though, it is one of the best things I'm good at. I don't know why sex is so big these days, I know the meaning of it, but why is it such a big fad? I have been 'fooling' around too much, so it would seem. It is addictive, yes, but for me it gets irritating sometimes. Especially when you find out that the girl you are always with seems to be "pregnant" she just won't answer your question about it until you nearly have to beat it out of them. Which, of course, I do not mind as long as I get my answer. Just lucky me, she's not.
I have not cut any time recently, and I am trying to resist. Cutting is like drinking alcohol[For you drunkards out there] Instead, I have turned to smoking and drinking a lot more than my normal requiem. The more I do this, the better I feel. My anger, though, is like..Fueling me, I guess. I have gotten a lot more angry then usual; even at the littlest things. My mother has found out that I smoke...Everything. Pot, dank, Chronic, ect...To be a smart alek, I told her that I also smoked cigarettes; a true fact. Although, she did not like it very much. My father has smoked for many, many years, but has stopped. He has smoked cigarettes, cigars, and pipes. My Tatá smokes cigars, my two older brothers; Damien and James smoke cigarettes. The last thing my mum needs is me getting into that shit. Hmn. I am keeping my drinking away from her for now. She is under enough stress already. I have punched walls, taken pills, drank, smoke, skateboard, listen to music...Write, and draw...But something still puts a needle in my head. It never goes away, no matter what I do. My pain is excrutionating. My doctor prescribes me pills, but I don't usually take them. One, they haven't helped. Two, I would get addicted.[Yeah, Im a pill-popper. Suck it]I hate being on this and that, it bothers me so much. Although, I am in debt, and could end up with a bullet in my head. I owe some big time fellas who I got some drugs from, and I haven't paid them back yet, and my 1-week window has been up for a while. But, I usually buy my stock, and leech off my friend's alcohol..Which seems like an endless amount. I am happy with this.
My band has not come out with any new CD's, our stock is draining quick, and we are not doing well with each other. My back-up singer. Melanie, she is one of the aquiree's that I have done "things" with. The tension between us is even greater now. Although, my music life[band] does not really affect me. I just wanted to throw this in for my own intentions. But, my lyrics are still great and I can still think of many wonderful songs.
I am feeling lonely..Maybe that is it. Perhaps I am wrong. Whatever. Suppose Im going through depression again...I don t know yet, but the last two times it's been really severe. Hmn. Maybe I am better off alone. The only ones that seem like they are there for me is probably Damien and James. If not them, then maybe Vanessa...But I am 4 years older than a 12 year old...Although, she is like a sister to me. I believe I can crawl up in her arms or lean upon her shoulder. I am confused, I am hurting, I am stranded within my own head. I feel sick to my stomach. Something is seriously wrong with me.
First; it was only a part of me, something I knew was there, but ignored. I suppose I held it off to long because I knew what was going to happen. Although, I feel as if this is a suicide note, when I type this, I can hear someone else's voice reading this aloud. A habit I have seemed to keep, apparently.
I feel as if I have become so thirsty for lust that I had gotten ahead of myself. I am trying to quit that, of course. It is something I am not ready for, though, it is one of the best things I'm good at. I don't know why sex is so big these days, I know the meaning of it, but why is it such a big fad? I have been 'fooling' around too much, so it would seem. It is addictive, yes, but for me it gets irritating sometimes. Especially when you find out that the girl you are always with seems to be "pregnant" she just won't answer your question about it until you nearly have to beat it out of them. Which, of course, I do not mind as long as I get my answer. Just lucky me, she's not.
I have not cut any time recently, and I am trying to resist. Cutting is like drinking alcohol[For you drunkards out there] Instead, I have turned to smoking and drinking a lot more than my normal requiem. The more I do this, the better I feel. My anger, though, is like..Fueling me, I guess. I have gotten a lot more angry then usual; even at the littlest things. My mother has found out that I smoke...Everything. Pot, dank, Chronic, ect...To be a smart alek, I told her that I also smoked cigarettes; a true fact. Although, she did not like it very much. My father has smoked for many, many years, but has stopped. He has smoked cigarettes, cigars, and pipes. My Tatá smokes cigars, my two older brothers; Damien and James smoke cigarettes. The last thing my mum needs is me getting into that shit. Hmn. I am keeping my drinking away from her for now. She is under enough stress already. I have punched walls, taken pills, drank, smoke, skateboard, listen to music...Write, and draw...But something still puts a needle in my head. It never goes away, no matter what I do. My pain is excrutionating. My doctor prescribes me pills, but I don't usually take them. One, they haven't helped. Two, I would get addicted.[Yeah, Im a pill-popper. Suck it]I hate being on this and that, it bothers me so much. Although, I am in debt, and could end up with a bullet in my head. I owe some big time fellas who I got some drugs from, and I haven't paid them back yet, and my 1-week window has been up for a while. But, I usually buy my stock, and leech off my friend's alcohol..Which seems like an endless amount. I am happy with this.
My band has not come out with any new CD's, our stock is draining quick, and we are not doing well with each other. My back-up singer. Melanie, she is one of the aquiree's that I have done "things" with. The tension between us is even greater now. Although, my music life[band] does not really affect me. I just wanted to throw this in for my own intentions. But, my lyrics are still great and I can still think of many wonderful songs.
I am feeling lonely..Maybe that is it. Perhaps I am wrong. Whatever. Suppose Im going through depression again...I don t know yet, but the last two times it's been really severe. Hmn. Maybe I am better off alone. The only ones that seem like they are there for me is probably Damien and James. If not them, then maybe Vanessa...But I am 4 years older than a 12 year old...Although, she is like a sister to me. I believe I can crawl up in her arms or lean upon her shoulder. I am confused, I am hurting, I am stranded within my own head. I feel sick to my stomach. Something is seriously wrong with me.