today
Today I had a meeting at work - I broke some bullshit policy and was found 'guilty' of violations resulting in a 2 day unpaid suspension. Whatthefuckever.
After work I came home, showered, went tanning, came back and then made myself presentable for belly dancing class. Sadly, I wanted to look really pretty because my husband is in this class with me. Yes. This is right. My husband does go to this belly dancing class too. Since we are still sharing bank account, I offered to meet and drive down town in one car to save gas/parking $. He came over and visited the dogs, who were elated to see him and then he told me that I looked really good. We went down to class which got a late start, and was a great workout on my abs tonite!
After class I stopped by sheetz so he could get something for lunch for work, and then back here to get his things and go to work (he is working the night turn now). A couple times tonight he would touch my arm or shoulder lightly and ask if I was okay. I would tell him every time yea. In the car he told me that no matter which route this takes he always wants to be friends (sounded very closure-y). I said of course - my voice cracked - I felt like he was thinking bad thoughts.
I sat on the couch, and asked him if this separation was worth it -- I'm feeling very bleak. I explained my concerns with his mother (queen of divorce, been married 4 or 5 times now) influencing his decisions (since he told me he had to find a dress shirt to wear to church - cause his mom will want him to go {and he will to please her}) I explained not wanting to sleep in our bed anymore or how I don't want to cook/eat. Pretty much my home life as I knew it no longer exists at all. It is abnormal and not healthy. I don't really know how to live alone. :( I don't know how to put me first.
Well of course, trying to talk with him frustrated him and he got mad at me. (?!?) And when he left I cried. Part of it too is what he said in the car about staying friends. I don't think I can. I can not imagine ever watching him love another. That may sound selfish, and fuckit, I'm allowed to be right now.
I need someone to hold me while I sob and sob.
After work I came home, showered, went tanning, came back and then made myself presentable for belly dancing class. Sadly, I wanted to look really pretty because my husband is in this class with me. Yes. This is right. My husband does go to this belly dancing class too. Since we are still sharing bank account, I offered to meet and drive down town in one car to save gas/parking $. He came over and visited the dogs, who were elated to see him and then he told me that I looked really good. We went down to class which got a late start, and was a great workout on my abs tonite!
After class I stopped by sheetz so he could get something for lunch for work, and then back here to get his things and go to work (he is working the night turn now). A couple times tonight he would touch my arm or shoulder lightly and ask if I was okay. I would tell him every time yea. In the car he told me that no matter which route this takes he always wants to be friends (sounded very closure-y). I said of course - my voice cracked - I felt like he was thinking bad thoughts.
I sat on the couch, and asked him if this separation was worth it -- I'm feeling very bleak. I explained my concerns with his mother (queen of divorce, been married 4 or 5 times now) influencing his decisions (since he told me he had to find a dress shirt to wear to church - cause his mom will want him to go {and he will to please her}) I explained not wanting to sleep in our bed anymore or how I don't want to cook/eat. Pretty much my home life as I knew it no longer exists at all. It is abnormal and not healthy. I don't really know how to live alone. :( I don't know how to put me first.
Well of course, trying to talk with him frustrated him and he got mad at me. (?!?) And when he left I cried. Part of it too is what he said in the car about staying friends. I don't think I can. I can not imagine ever watching him love another. That may sound selfish, and fuckit, I'm allowed to be right now.
I need someone to hold me while I sob and sob.