Vacation Day? Why yes, thank you.
I decided to take a vacation day today since I don't feel too well anyway. I have some goals to meet before the end of the day... mainly clean out the bead drawers, and clean this godforsaken computer desk, do some laundry and straighten the house. I may not get it all done though because like I said, I feel pretty yucky.
Last night we were watching tv and something set me off into tears. Then I looked up at John woefully and admitted that in the last month or so I have had no control over my emotions. None. And it scares me, a lot. I told him I'll get really angry sometimes or sad and just cry for an hour or 2 ... but I cannot seem to predict what will set me off or when. It took a lot of courage for me to sit up and tell my husband that I cannot control myself or that I cannot reason with my emotions. I don't want to be medicated. The last time they put me on 'something' for my depression (or what they thought could have been bi-polar disorder) I ended up cutting myself up to the point of needing stitches. I never got those stitches and I bear a scar on the top of my right thigh about 4-5 inches long and 1/2 inch thick. Sometimes it'll get really itchy to this day and swell up. It is gross. I did this years upon years ago and afterwards weaned myself off the meds and never fell into an episode quite that bad since. But lately I am a simmering pot of disorders, who in the last week have been having a hard time completing the most simple tasks. I've snapped at people. I've been over the top emotionally. Am I just that angry that I'm not quite where I want to be in life? I don't know where it is all coming from. Is it because of therapy? Did bringing up all those childhood demons cause them to finally come to claim me? My therpist is always amazed that I am as level as I am when she hears stories of my childhood. She reckons I should have PTSD from what I have seen/been through, but I seem okay for the most part. I am okay. I cannot change my past no more than I can control the weather. I can only carry an umbrella.
The holiday season is around the corner too which I think is part of the reason I feel uneasy. Having the girls move into my ex's for the time being (for sake of working this all out) has been so fucking hard on me. I know it was the right thing to do for me to get better, but it doesn't mean I don't continuously feel like a failure or like some shitty mom. Working through this is a bitch. It really, really is.
Things with John are pretty good though, as he is showing once more to be my pillar. He gets frustrated because he cannot really help me with my therapy any more than I can help him. I'm a thrift store coffee mug. I have chips and I'm worn, but I still serve a purpose. Even if it's something I cannot quite figure out.
Friday I was having a bad time at work. John texted me that he loved me and I replied "I don't know why" and then I put the phone in my pocket. While my phone was in my pocket he texted me back all of this " Because you are my love and you understand me and you love me. And you are funny and smart and cynical and you help me and you help animals. And you put up with me and you like old things and Gettysburg and crows and Tom Waits and usavich and zombies. And you brought back my hat and we buried a butterfly and I brought you home roadkill and you loved it. And you made Thanksgiving in June and you don't mind my obsession with martial arts. And you encourage me to do things and you teach me to like things like fall and birds. And you aren't superficial like most girls and you don't care about money and you like to get your hands dirty. And you help me to dream and you don't make me hide my emotions and you love me, even though I have problems. And because of this:" and attached to the last text was this smiling cuddly photo of him and I. Of course I got it all at once. After that I got so emotional at work. Sometimes I think that the things I do don't matter. I forgot about brining his hat back, but he didn't. All those little things, they all add up. That series of text messages was one of the best things I ever got and I needed to hear that more than I ever thought I did.
John and I have always had this intense and strange relationship. I know of no other couple who has shared the same amount of passion and raw emotion that we have. But when you open yourself to extremes and then you become unreachable, stupid things happen like flirty text girl.. and I've said it before, I created that situation through my depression and I take responsibility for it. It still hurts though, and the whole shooting spree topic the other day wasn't so much meant as killing people, but killing the situation. Letting those things die in my head. I don't think John, who reads my journal, thought of it that way and took it quite personally. Of course I don't want to shoot HIM! I want to shoot the actions, the situation.
Enough about all that now.
Last week my brother's friend was jumped, beat up and stabbed. I didn't like this guy all that much because once upon a time I was coming into my brothers house and said something in a teasing playful manner to this guy and in a drunken rage he threw me against the wall (uh-i almost went out the 2nd story window). I was appalled... hitting women.. wtf! But now this guy is close to death, stabbed in the liver and in critical condition. I feel some of it is Karma... but he didn't deserve all fo that! Last night I dreamed I was trying to call the hospital to find him for my brother and he was dead. Today I have to call my brother and see how his friend is doing.
I have to check on the stray I took to the Humane Society today. I'l be stopping down there before the concert tonight. Yes, even though I feel like shit, I do still plan on going. I'm worried about him because he's been removed from the website last night. Either his owner found him, he has become adoptable, and they are testing him, or they euthanized him. I pray it is not the latter.
Well I dumped enough here, I'm going to go lay down for a 1/2 hour or so. I feel so sick.
~love to all~