2005
I've decided that I already detest this year. Already made too many mistakes, and too much has gone wrong. Still sticking with the plan though. Don't have a resolution exactly, but very definite goals for this year. Right now, as much as I enjoy having lots of people back, I miss having some degree of solitude and privacy. All that will come in time. I need time to work on my art or I'll go crazy soon. Need motivation as well, among other things. Fighting battles to keep my family in line is exhausting. I'm not even going into all that.
I love my niece to pieces. I have high hopes for her. I should be careful with that I guess. It's one thing to be attached, but I don't want to displace my own wants onto my brothers baby. Being his makes her feel almost like my own sometimes. I know I'll protect her 'till my last breath. In a strange way I feel I have had something taken from me... a promise granted, but denied as well. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else. At any rate, this is how the dice landed so I have to roll with them.
I've crossed over the hump of my life. I'm going down hill now into the final cycles so to speak. There are still rough patches, adversity propels me it seems. There is still a lot to learn. However, I think I feel aging much more than most people my age... meaning that I am very much aware of how much of a change I've gone through, and how little time I really have left. I have time's wisdom, time's peace, time's wear and tear. I believe this is what they refer to as a midlife crisis. I don't mourn youth so much, just having wasted so much of it... and having missed out on too many experiences. I suppose it's a just punishment in some ways. If you don't harvest the crops you can't reap the reward so to speak. All I can do is think I tried, and maybe things will be ok.
At this point I feel like I am ready to get this over with. I spend my life striving for one thing and to do my job for others... while mourning people who don't exist and things I'll probably never have. Logic dictates... while living the life of a vessel you're bound to feel hollow. Why should I expect anything else? I keep thinking... if I do enough I will feel full... I'll be rewarded with things that complete me... dreams will come true. Well, I'm caring less and less. Hollow or not, the quicker I finish the faster I'm out of here. If nothing else it will have meaning in the end. At this point if I had those things I dreamed of I'm not sure I'd even know what to do with them any more.
Thus begins the era of Sheol.
I love my niece to pieces. I have high hopes for her. I should be careful with that I guess. It's one thing to be attached, but I don't want to displace my own wants onto my brothers baby. Being his makes her feel almost like my own sometimes. I know I'll protect her 'till my last breath. In a strange way I feel I have had something taken from me... a promise granted, but denied as well. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else. At any rate, this is how the dice landed so I have to roll with them.
I've crossed over the hump of my life. I'm going down hill now into the final cycles so to speak. There are still rough patches, adversity propels me it seems. There is still a lot to learn. However, I think I feel aging much more than most people my age... meaning that I am very much aware of how much of a change I've gone through, and how little time I really have left. I have time's wisdom, time's peace, time's wear and tear. I believe this is what they refer to as a midlife crisis. I don't mourn youth so much, just having wasted so much of it... and having missed out on too many experiences. I suppose it's a just punishment in some ways. If you don't harvest the crops you can't reap the reward so to speak. All I can do is think I tried, and maybe things will be ok.
At this point I feel like I am ready to get this over with. I spend my life striving for one thing and to do my job for others... while mourning people who don't exist and things I'll probably never have. Logic dictates... while living the life of a vessel you're bound to feel hollow. Why should I expect anything else? I keep thinking... if I do enough I will feel full... I'll be rewarded with things that complete me... dreams will come true. Well, I'm caring less and less. Hollow or not, the quicker I finish the faster I'm out of here. If nothing else it will have meaning in the end. At this point if I had those things I dreamed of I'm not sure I'd even know what to do with them any more.
Thus begins the era of Sheol.