Wraeththu ficlet -- What If
Another ficlet... there might be a longer sequel in time... I am working on it...
Title: What if…
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Main pairing: Pellaz/Cal/Caeru
Rating: PG
Summary: What if Pellaz had rebelled his fate and hadn’t become Tigron?
Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters belong to Storm Constantine.
Warning: AU of course.
SPOILER WARNING; SPOILERS UP TO BOOK 6!
Beta read by Patricia and DA, thanks sweeties!
All remaining mistakes are mine.
What If…
Pellaz-har-Aralis, Tigron of Immanion, was curled around his consort’s body and soothed Caeru who had suffered from a nightmare only a few minutes ago. Although Diablo’s attack had happened some time ago, Pellaz still felt like he had to fight for Caeru to stay with them. Holding Caeru’s hand in his, he rubbed the knuckles with his thumb.
“Pellaz, don’t do this to yourself. The attack wasn’t your fault.” Cal stroked Pellaz’ hair and tried to comfort his chesnari. “There were forces greater than ours at work at the time, you know that.”
Cal… What would he do without sweet, understanding Cal, who had become his chesnari in every sense of the word, thanks to the purification rituals and Thiede’s training the blond har had gone through? Pellaz shook his head. “No, Cal, I am responsible for this mess,” he whispered saddened and in a guilty voice. “None of this would have happened if I hadn’t coerced the two of you into creating that pearl.” Pellaz rested his weary head on Caeru’s shoulder. Feeling safe with Caeru and Cal, he voiced his unsettling thoughts aloud. “Cal, I made one mistake after another.” His latest mistake had been losing control and allowing Galdra to make him with pearl. “Why did Thiede pick me to be Tigron? I am a failure. I can’t even keep my consort safe - or you, Cal.”
Cal petted Pellaz’ hair, but the touch offered Pellaz no comfort. He felt like he had put both of them, Caeru and Cal, through too much pain. “I am the wrong har for the job, Cal. I wish Thiede had never found me - had never made me Tigron. Then you wouldn’t have gone insane, Caeru wouldn’t lie here more dead than alive and I wouldn’t be with pearl.”
Cal, lacking the right words to comfort Pellaz, remained silent. Pellaz’ outburst had taken him by surprise. Normally the dark-haired har oozed self-confidence.
Pellaz rubbed Caeru’s fingers and turned his head so he could study Cal’s face. “I wronged the two of you. I wronged so many hara - including Galdra.” Tears, which he had forced down most of his life, spilled from his eyes and flowed down his cheeks to drip onto Caeru’s chest.
Cal moved closer and enveloped both of them in an embrace. “Hush now. There is no need to doubt yourself, Pell.”
But Pellaz didn’t listen. He was lost in self-reproach and self-hatred. “I should…never have…been made…har…let alone…Tigron,” he whispered, as he slowly succumbed to fatigue. His eyes closed, his body relaxed, and he drifted off into sleep.
~~~
The Tigron opened his eyes and blinked at his surroundings. He wasn’t at the palace any longer and Caeru and Cal had disappeared. Instead he found himself on the farm where he had lived for the first sixteen years of his life. He stood in the living room, which had been devastated by some force and he had to pick a chair up from the floor so he could steady himself. Looking down at himself, Pellaz found that he was still dressed in his elaborate robes. Golden rings still adorned his fingers. Although he was back ‘home’, he wasn’t young again. He was still Tigron. “What sort of dream is this?” he wondered aloud and looked about.
“You wished you had never been made Tigron. I am here to show you what happens if that reality comes true.”
The voice sounded remarkably familiar and Pellaz spun around so he could face his visitor. But once he had turned, he froze. His eyes widened and his breath came in gasps. “This can’t be,” he whispered in shock. In the corner of the room stood a younger version of himself. This was how Pellaz Cevarro had looked just after inception: young and beautiful, but then the Tigron noticed that this har was also covered in cuts and bruises. No, this was *not* the way he had looked right after inception! That had been a joyous time and those large eyes looked haunted. The young har was gaunt and the clothes tattered. The hair was a dark mess of dirt and dried mud. Altogether, the young har presented quite a pitiful sight. “Who are you? You can’t be me.”
Pellaz the young har, gave Pellaz the Tigron, a look filled with resentment and bitterness. “I am you. I am the Pellaz who had to come into existence because you didn’t not become Tigron.”
Pellaz blinked in surprise. It was true: he had wondered about a universe in which he had resisted Thiede. “How can this be?”
The young har shrugged his shoulders. “Will you listen if I tell you?”
Pellaz nodded his head. “I will listen. What happened here? Where are my brothers? Where’s Mima? What happened to you?” The young har took a step closer to Pellaz and narrowed his eyes. This younger version of him oozed pain, humiliation, and fear. It was hard for the Tigron to understand why that was. “Why aren’t you with Cal?”
“You have no idea what happened, do you?” The young har cautiously took another step toward Pellaz and extended his hand.
Pellaz flinched. Hara were well known for their healing abilities. This har’s fingers however were twisted, as if they had been broken and re-broken. He felt hesitant to take that hand into his, but the look, filled with need and hope, convinced him to do so. He slowly curled his perfect fingers around the twisted ones. “Please tell me.” After uttering those words, the front door opened and Pellaz saw the wasteland that stretched out in front of him.
“My parents were murdered by passing hara. My brothers were taken prisoner. Dorado was the only one to survive and became Snake after his inception. We will visit him later. Terez is dead, as is Mima.”
Pellaz’ eyes widened. “No, they are not. Terez is with me in Immanion and Mima…” The young har gave him a look filled with pity.
“No, they are dead. Terez died in the wilderness. There were no Ulaume and Flick to perform Grissecon in order to heal him. Flick remained a hermit and never ventured into the world ago. In this world, there are no dehara.” He paused, drew in a deep breath, and then continued. ”Ulaume never had the chance to save Mima’s life. They are dead, Tigron.”
Pellaz suddenly found himself standing in a forest close to the mansion. He recognized his surroundings at once. When he looked down, he saw a skeleton lying there. He jumped back and bumped into his guide. “Don’t tell me those are…”
“Terez’ remains. Since his inception was never completed, he never became har. In the end, insanity won and he took his life. He jumped toward his death.” The younger Pellaz pointed at the overhanging precipice. “He couldn’t take it any longer.”
“And Mima?” Pellaz shivered and became aware of the fact that his fingers were still curled around those of his younger twin’s. Their surroundings changed and they stood near the stream that ran in the mansion’s vicinity. He shrieked and moved away when he saw Mima’s body afloat on the water.
“Ulaume wasn’t there to save her. Ulaume never had that vision in which he witnessed your death. He never left Lianvis, never rescued Lileem, and still serves the Kakkahaar leader. Lileem died in the desert and my sister drowned while she was on the run for raiders.”
The emotionless tone in which his guide delivered those words made the blood in Pellaz’ veins freeze. “What happened to Snake? You said we would visit him later.”
“Do you want to see him now? We can go there.”
Pellaz nodded his head. “Please…” He needed to know that at least one of his siblings was still alive. The ruins that now took form around him, made him shiver. This had been a busy town at one time. A few feet away from him, three hara were making their way through the rubble. He recognized them. “He is still alive then.” But Snake was still injured!
“But they lead miserable lives,” the younger Pellaz said. “Snake’s injuries will never heal, for Cobweb and he will never meet. Raven will stay with them for the rest of his life and will never be reunited with his chesnari…and Moon… Lovely Moon will become bitter and resentful for Tyson will never enter his life. Without each other, their lives are lonely ones.”
Pellaz shivered and turned to face his younger twin. “Why are you doing this?”
“You wished you had never become Tigron. I am showing you what my life would be like if I had stayed a ‘normal’ har.” The younger Pellaz appeared unfazed by the Tigron’s discomfort. He had seen too much pain to feel distressed over Pellaz’ anxiety.
His guide’s words suddenly registered with Pellaz. “You said that Cobweb and Snake never met, but…? And that Tyson…?” He frowned and deep lines of worry appeared on his brow. The truth was that when he had uttered those words in bed at night that he had never considered what his life might have been like if he had never ascended to Tigron. This was a rude awakening.
“I will take us to Galhea. Then you will understand.” An expression of pain suddenly crossed the younger Pellaz’ features: he had to steel himself for what was to come. He didn’t want to go to Galhea, but he had to - he had to show his older twin why Pellaz had to embrace being Tigron.
~~~
Pellaz couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Forever, the house that was home to Cobweb, Swift, and Tyson, resembled a prison. Steel bars had been placed in front of the windows and Varrs patrolled the surroundings. The house breathed desolation and angst. He swallowed convulsively and was overcome with a sense of dread. “What happened here?”
The guards paid them no attention and it dawned on Pellaz that they were invisible to them. His young guide gestured for him to follow him into the house and Pellaz complied. Shivers ran down his spine when he realized how heavily armed these Varrs were. Arrogant sneers lay on their faces and their eyes shone with bloodlust.
“You want to know what happened here. Let me show you then.” The younger Pellaz opened a door and stepped inside. “Look for yourself. Do you recognize him?”
Pellaz’ heart thundered in his chest as he approached the bed. A blond har rested there, curled up in a fetal position. The long, shiny hair reminded him of Cal’s, but surely this couldn’t be his chesnari? Dressed in only a hint of silk, the body bore witness to violent aruna. Bruises circled the ankles and wrists, and when Pellaz looked at the face, he released a terrifying scream. It was Cal. But it wasn’t *his* Cal. The expression in those normally so alert eyes was cold and dead. He looked emaciated and his hands rested on his abdomen. The movement of those hands had been confined with handcuffs. “Who is this?” Pellaz spun around and glared at his guide.
The younger Pellaz shrugged. “It’s Cal.”
“But…” Lost for words, Pellaz looked at his guide and then back at Cal.
“Do you remember Cobweb? Terzian’s former consort?” the younger Pellaz asked.
Pellaz flinched and he nodded his head. “I remember him.” Beautiful Cobweb, who wouldn’t remember him?
“Cal and I didn’t rescue him from his kidnappers. The wound on his leg became infected and his abductors left him behind. Cobweb starved to death. Without our help Cobweb never escaped.”
“I can’t believe any of this!” Pellaz stalked over to the bed and knelt on the floor so he could look at Cal. “Oh, Cal, what did they do to you?” He reached out to caress Cal’s face, hoping for some kind of reaction, but nothing happened.
“You should ask: what did *I* do to him.” The younger Pellaz moved over to the bed as well and sat down on the edge. His hand hovered above Cal’s body, but he didn’t touch him yet.
“What do you mean?” Pellaz questioned sharply.
“In this life Orien warned me. He told me that Thiede was after me and that once inception had been completed, Thiede would have a hold on me.”
Pellaz noticed the longing in his younger twin’s eyes whenever the young har looked at Cal. “What did Orien do?”
“Orien incepted me himself.”
Pellaz blinked. “He did what?”
“You heard me. Orien incepted me and it worked. I became har.” The young har finally placed his hand on Cal’s head and stroked the blond strands. “For a time, we were happy.”
Pellaz’ head reeled from all this information. “Orien incepted you?”
The younger Pellaz didn’t bother to confirm that again. “We left Saltrock to travel about. Unfortunately for us, we didn’t run into Lianvis and his Kakkahaar. We ran into Varrs instead.”
Pellaz shivered and grasped Cal’s hand in his. His chesnari didn’t react to the touch though.
“Terzian recognized Cal of course. Since Cobweb was lost to him, he took Cal as his new consort. Cal has been kept locked up in this room for years, producing one pearl after another. Terzian created his own private breeding facility at Forever.”
Pellaz suddenly grew afraid to ask this young har what had become of him after Cal had been taken away from him. That was information he wasn’t yet ready for and his guide seemed to understand.
“You wonder about Tyson, of course,” the younger Pellaz said, maybe in an effort to distract himself. “Tyson was born, but received a different upbringing. He is one of Terzian’s most feared general’s now and heir apparent.”
“What about Swift?” Swift was one of his dearest friends and it would grief Pellaz to hear that Swift had died too.
“Swift never had Cobweb to supply him with insights, wisdom, and an inner balance. Swift fights in Terzian’s army, but no longer plays a vital part in Terzian’s life. Swift carries too much of Cobweb’s legacy in him and Terzian turned to hate him once he had Tyson to take Swift’s place.”
Pellaz didn’t want to let go of Cal’s hand. He wanted to gather this broken har into his arms and heal him, carry him away from there, and see him recover.
The younger Pellaz however continued talking and said, “The Varrs rule Megalithica. I wasn’t there to stop Terzian and Ponclast. They still maintain their stronghold in Fulminir and reign over haradom in terror.”
Pellaz swallowed the bile that had gathered at the back of his throat. He hadn’t considered something like that could happen until now.
“Ponclast has descended to new lows,” the younger Pellaz said. “Fulminir has become an infestation that affects all hara. Ponclast sends for new meat every other week. The breeding facilities flourish and are producing hara for consumption. Eating the flesh of hara is something Ponclast promotes; telling his soldiers it will give them strength. The musenda in Fulminir are filled with hara that never chose to become kanene. They are kept there against their will and raped at will by Ponclast’s soldiers.”
“Stop this! I have heard enough!” Pellaz raised his hands and tried to cover up his ears.
His younger version however pried them away and forced him to listen further. Looking into the haunted eyes, Pellaz forced himself to compose himself. “Why are you doing this?”
“You wished you hadn’t become Tigron. I am trying to show you why you must be Tigron.” A look of sympathy flashed across the young har’s face. “I know that being Tigron is hard on you and demands certain sacrifices, but you must do it.”
Pellaz looked at Cal again and his heart contracted painfully. He was reminded of Caeru, who had been confined to bed but for different reasons. “Why must I always hurt the ones I love?”
“Ironically enough, there is one har whose life is better now. Caeru’s.”
After uttering those words, their surroundings changed again and Pellaz found himself in a familiar setting back in Ferelithia. One look at the stage told him that it was Caeru’s band that was performing. Caeru looked as desirable as he had that day they had first met. Pellaz, who had denied he loved Caeru for a long time, loved seeing the blond har own the stage.
“Caeru is happy, though I am not sure how much longer it will last. Even life in Ferelithia is changing and the Varrs are moving in.” The younger Pellaz pointed out a silver-haired har to his older twin. “Velaxis came here looking for distraction from his worries and found Caeru. They quickly became chesna.”
A smile formed on Pellaz’ face when he saw the two hara embrace happily and then share breath. He had forgotten what a remarkable sight a happy Caeru was. “That is good.” But then another thought occurred to him. “Isn’t Velaxis supposed to be in Immanion?”
“Ah, Immanion…” The young har turned soulful eyes to his older twin. “Let me show you Immanion.”
Apprehension swept over Pellaz at hearing those words and he reached out for comfort. He took his guide’s hand into his again and for the first time he noticed how cool the skin was and how much the limb shook.
Such tremors likewise tormented Pellaz’ body when he set eyes on his plundered city for the first time. Immanion consisted of burning buildings, slaves being led through the streets, wounded hara, and Varrs pushing them on, refusing them healing. His gaze shifted to the balcony, where he normally stood overlooking his city and his heart stopped beating for one long moment, seeing two hara stand out among the devastation.
“Terzian and Ponclast never murdered Gahrazel. He became one of the main leaders instead. With Ponclast ruling Fulminir, Terzian in Megalithica and Gahrazel in Immanion, they are in absolute control.” The younger Pellaz closely studied his older twin and saw the shock on the Tigron’s face. “Do you see the har standing close to Gahrazel?” He waited for Pellaz to nod and then said, “His name is Panthera.”
Pellaz swallowed hard. That was a name he was familiar with. Panthera had been his contender for Cal’s love at one point. He frowned then, looking closely at the har. Panthera had always been described as beautiful to him, and looking closely, he could still see the hints of said beauty, but the har itself looked old and worn. The hair had lost its luster, the eyes stared blankly ahead, and the har was too thin. “What happened to Panthera?”
“Terzian found him when he raided the musenda Jafit kept him prisoner in. Remember, there was no Cal to free Panthera. Panthera fell into Terzian’s hands and Terzian gifted him to Gahrazel. Can you tell how happy they are?” Those last words dripped with sarcasm since Gahrazel chose that moment to lash out at Panthera and slap him across the face for not obeying a command that instant.
Pellaz flinched in sympathy and then gathered his courage to ask his young guide, “What happened to Galdra… You didn’t mention him yet.” Could it be that Galdra had survived somehow?
The younger Pellaz nodded. He had been waiting for that question. “Freyhella is still a free land. Tyr and Galdra rule there, although… The Varrs want to conquer the north as well.” His eyes narrowed and he said, “You do realize that none of our children came into existence? And you never took aruna with Galdra…”
Pellaz released his guide’s hand for a moment and placed them protectively over his abdomen, where Galdra’s and his pearl was developing. “Where is Thiede in all this? Surely he must have intervened?”
“Thiede tried, but without the Hegemony and the Gelaming backing him up, he lacked strength. You see, Pellaz, *you* are the binding factory. Thiede can’t move without you. You are his avatar. Thiede needs you as much as these hara need you.”
Pellaz shook violently over his entire body when he turned to face his younger version. There was no use in postponing the inevitable. “What happened to you?”
The younger Pellaz took a step closer to his older twin and carefully wrapped his arms around him. “You want to know what happened to me?”
Pellaz’ shivering increased and he shakily nodded his head. “I do.” He feared what he might hear, but he had to know.
“I died. Terzian murdered me. There was no Thiede to protect or empower me. By letting Orien incept me, Thiede couldn’t prepare me to become Tigron. Terzian took great delight in breaking my bones and once that failed to amuse him any longer, he slid my throat in Cal’s presence. Cal lost his mind after that. When you saw Cal in that room, you didn’t know the real reason why he’s like that. He saw me die and then Terzian made him his whore. Eventually Cal will stop fighting. All that keeps him alive at the moment are his memories of me - of how good it felt to hold me.”
Pellaz wanted to break free, but stopped himself when he saw the big, fat tears leave his younger twin’s eyes. “I love him so much,” the younger Pellaz said. “Terzian told me what he had in store for Cal before he slid my throat. When I released my last breath I saw Terzian wrestle Cal into submission. That image will always remain with me. I am a ghost now. Please understand why certain sacrifices are necessary. I know it hurts to see Caeru in such pain. I know it hurts that Cal lost his mind for a while and found comfort elsewhere… “
“But Pellaz, you are still alive. You still have Cal’s love. Cal went through his rites of purification and he came out of it a Tigron. Hara in your world are relatively happy. Cobweb has Snake and Snake has been healed. Moon and Tyson are together. Swift rules in Galhea with Seel at his side. Ulaume and Flick are happy too. I want you to know that much good came out of you being Tigron.”
The world around them had faded and in this new vacuum only they existed . Pellaz couldn’t help but ask, “Thiede, is this you?” Who else would play mind games on him?
“No, I’m not Thiede.” The younger Pellaz rested his head against the Tigron’s shoulder and shivered violently. “I am what would have been if you had chosen a different path. I am as real as you are and I hurt as much as you do.”
Feeling confused, Pellaz lifted the head from his shoulder and probed the other har’s thoughts. They were real and he sensed no manipulation. “Once this is over, where will you go?”
The young har gave Pellaz a rueful smile. “My sole purpose was to show you why you must be Tigron. Once I accomplished that I can rest.” He raised a hand and touched the Tigron’s face. “I accomplished what I set out to do, didn’t I?”
Pellaz nodded. “You did. I understand why I was chosen and why I accepted. I might regret certain events in my past, but you made me aware of the fact that I have the power to make amends. I can’t let your reality come to pass.” The smile that had appeared on the young har’s face made Pellaz feel humble. “Thank you for showing me.”
“You made the right choices,” the younger Pellaz said. “Cal and you are happy, while my Cal is lost to me forever.”
“Can I do something…anything to lessen your pain?” Pellaz wanted to reach out and made amends to this lost soul. Slowly he wrapped him up in his thoughts - warm thoughts - feeding him memories that were dear to him.
“Love Cal, Caeru and Galdra and love your children… They deserve your love. You are a good Tigron. There will be moments of despair in your future, but… stories like yours always have a happy ending.”
Pellaz enveloped his younger twin in a tender hug and closed his eyes, concentrating on all the tender moments he had spent with Cal and Caeru in the past. He could sense how the young har took them inside him. “I promise you that I will love them…and I will be the best Tigron I can.”
“Then I can rest…” The younger Pellaz cocked his head and pressed a chaste kiss onto the Tigron’s brow. “Never doubt yourself. You made the right decisions…” Those words vaporized in the vacuum and a moment later, the other har was gone, leaving Pellaz alone behind.
~~~
Pellaz woke up because Caeru was stirring in his sleep. He lifted his head and tried to shake off the dream he had just had. Although, had it just been a dream? His brow itched where it had been kissed. Pellaz sat upright and looked at Caeru, who was waking up. The eyes opened and tried to focus on him. In them, Pellaz read too many questions.
“Don’t say anything.” Pellaz buried Caeru in a hug. Cal had woken as well and after moving about the blond har embraced them from behind. “All is well,” Pellaz said, reassuring Caeru when the Tigrina wanted to speak.
Pellaz shared breath with Caeru and curled his fingers around his consort’s hand. One day, he might tell Caeru and Cal about his dream, maybe not. He didn’t know yet what he would do. Closing his eyes, he momentarily focused within, trying to find traces of the young har that had opened his eyes. Was he still there?
He found him in the deep recesses of his mind. Extending his thoughts, he tried to contact him, but the younger Pellaz was cocooned in something warm that protected him from further prying. Concentrating harder, Pellaz realized that the young har wasn’t alone. For one moment, a bright image imploded in his mind, showing him his younger version and a healthier looking Cal curled around each other on a bed in Saltrock. Cal looked happy holding the younger Pellaz in his sleep.
Satisfied that this younger Pellaz had found this version of Cal, Pellaz opened his eyes again and focused on Caeru. He was going to keep his promise. He would work hard on mending the rift between Caeru and him.
Looking at Cal from over his shoulder, he smiled. The bright smile on Cal’s face showed Pellaz how much his chesnari had changed over the years. Thiede had found a way to forge a steel blade out of Cal’s wild Uigenna blood. Cal was supposed to be at his side as his protector and so was Caeru, as their Tigrina. The three of them deserved to be happy and he deserved to be Tigron of Immanion, ruler of all hara.
His eyes had been opened.
The end
Title: What if…
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Main pairing: Pellaz/Cal/Caeru
Rating: PG
Summary: What if Pellaz had rebelled his fate and hadn’t become Tigron?
Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters belong to Storm Constantine.
Warning: AU of course.
SPOILER WARNING; SPOILERS UP TO BOOK 6!
Beta read by Patricia and DA, thanks sweeties!
All remaining mistakes are mine.
What If…
Pellaz-har-Aralis, Tigron of Immanion, was curled around his consort’s body and soothed Caeru who had suffered from a nightmare only a few minutes ago. Although Diablo’s attack had happened some time ago, Pellaz still felt like he had to fight for Caeru to stay with them. Holding Caeru’s hand in his, he rubbed the knuckles with his thumb.
“Pellaz, don’t do this to yourself. The attack wasn’t your fault.” Cal stroked Pellaz’ hair and tried to comfort his chesnari. “There were forces greater than ours at work at the time, you know that.”
Cal… What would he do without sweet, understanding Cal, who had become his chesnari in every sense of the word, thanks to the purification rituals and Thiede’s training the blond har had gone through? Pellaz shook his head. “No, Cal, I am responsible for this mess,” he whispered saddened and in a guilty voice. “None of this would have happened if I hadn’t coerced the two of you into creating that pearl.” Pellaz rested his weary head on Caeru’s shoulder. Feeling safe with Caeru and Cal, he voiced his unsettling thoughts aloud. “Cal, I made one mistake after another.” His latest mistake had been losing control and allowing Galdra to make him with pearl. “Why did Thiede pick me to be Tigron? I am a failure. I can’t even keep my consort safe - or you, Cal.”
Cal petted Pellaz’ hair, but the touch offered Pellaz no comfort. He felt like he had put both of them, Caeru and Cal, through too much pain. “I am the wrong har for the job, Cal. I wish Thiede had never found me - had never made me Tigron. Then you wouldn’t have gone insane, Caeru wouldn’t lie here more dead than alive and I wouldn’t be with pearl.”
Cal, lacking the right words to comfort Pellaz, remained silent. Pellaz’ outburst had taken him by surprise. Normally the dark-haired har oozed self-confidence.
Pellaz rubbed Caeru’s fingers and turned his head so he could study Cal’s face. “I wronged the two of you. I wronged so many hara - including Galdra.” Tears, which he had forced down most of his life, spilled from his eyes and flowed down his cheeks to drip onto Caeru’s chest.
Cal moved closer and enveloped both of them in an embrace. “Hush now. There is no need to doubt yourself, Pell.”
But Pellaz didn’t listen. He was lost in self-reproach and self-hatred. “I should…never have…been made…har…let alone…Tigron,” he whispered, as he slowly succumbed to fatigue. His eyes closed, his body relaxed, and he drifted off into sleep.
~~~
The Tigron opened his eyes and blinked at his surroundings. He wasn’t at the palace any longer and Caeru and Cal had disappeared. Instead he found himself on the farm where he had lived for the first sixteen years of his life. He stood in the living room, which had been devastated by some force and he had to pick a chair up from the floor so he could steady himself. Looking down at himself, Pellaz found that he was still dressed in his elaborate robes. Golden rings still adorned his fingers. Although he was back ‘home’, he wasn’t young again. He was still Tigron. “What sort of dream is this?” he wondered aloud and looked about.
“You wished you had never been made Tigron. I am here to show you what happens if that reality comes true.”
The voice sounded remarkably familiar and Pellaz spun around so he could face his visitor. But once he had turned, he froze. His eyes widened and his breath came in gasps. “This can’t be,” he whispered in shock. In the corner of the room stood a younger version of himself. This was how Pellaz Cevarro had looked just after inception: young and beautiful, but then the Tigron noticed that this har was also covered in cuts and bruises. No, this was *not* the way he had looked right after inception! That had been a joyous time and those large eyes looked haunted. The young har was gaunt and the clothes tattered. The hair was a dark mess of dirt and dried mud. Altogether, the young har presented quite a pitiful sight. “Who are you? You can’t be me.”
Pellaz the young har, gave Pellaz the Tigron, a look filled with resentment and bitterness. “I am you. I am the Pellaz who had to come into existence because you didn’t not become Tigron.”
Pellaz blinked in surprise. It was true: he had wondered about a universe in which he had resisted Thiede. “How can this be?”
The young har shrugged his shoulders. “Will you listen if I tell you?”
Pellaz nodded his head. “I will listen. What happened here? Where are my brothers? Where’s Mima? What happened to you?” The young har took a step closer to Pellaz and narrowed his eyes. This younger version of him oozed pain, humiliation, and fear. It was hard for the Tigron to understand why that was. “Why aren’t you with Cal?”
“You have no idea what happened, do you?” The young har cautiously took another step toward Pellaz and extended his hand.
Pellaz flinched. Hara were well known for their healing abilities. This har’s fingers however were twisted, as if they had been broken and re-broken. He felt hesitant to take that hand into his, but the look, filled with need and hope, convinced him to do so. He slowly curled his perfect fingers around the twisted ones. “Please tell me.” After uttering those words, the front door opened and Pellaz saw the wasteland that stretched out in front of him.
“My parents were murdered by passing hara. My brothers were taken prisoner. Dorado was the only one to survive and became Snake after his inception. We will visit him later. Terez is dead, as is Mima.”
Pellaz’ eyes widened. “No, they are not. Terez is with me in Immanion and Mima…” The young har gave him a look filled with pity.
“No, they are dead. Terez died in the wilderness. There were no Ulaume and Flick to perform Grissecon in order to heal him. Flick remained a hermit and never ventured into the world ago. In this world, there are no dehara.” He paused, drew in a deep breath, and then continued. ”Ulaume never had the chance to save Mima’s life. They are dead, Tigron.”
Pellaz suddenly found himself standing in a forest close to the mansion. He recognized his surroundings at once. When he looked down, he saw a skeleton lying there. He jumped back and bumped into his guide. “Don’t tell me those are…”
“Terez’ remains. Since his inception was never completed, he never became har. In the end, insanity won and he took his life. He jumped toward his death.” The younger Pellaz pointed at the overhanging precipice. “He couldn’t take it any longer.”
“And Mima?” Pellaz shivered and became aware of the fact that his fingers were still curled around those of his younger twin’s. Their surroundings changed and they stood near the stream that ran in the mansion’s vicinity. He shrieked and moved away when he saw Mima’s body afloat on the water.
“Ulaume wasn’t there to save her. Ulaume never had that vision in which he witnessed your death. He never left Lianvis, never rescued Lileem, and still serves the Kakkahaar leader. Lileem died in the desert and my sister drowned while she was on the run for raiders.”
The emotionless tone in which his guide delivered those words made the blood in Pellaz’ veins freeze. “What happened to Snake? You said we would visit him later.”
“Do you want to see him now? We can go there.”
Pellaz nodded his head. “Please…” He needed to know that at least one of his siblings was still alive. The ruins that now took form around him, made him shiver. This had been a busy town at one time. A few feet away from him, three hara were making their way through the rubble. He recognized them. “He is still alive then.” But Snake was still injured!
“But they lead miserable lives,” the younger Pellaz said. “Snake’s injuries will never heal, for Cobweb and he will never meet. Raven will stay with them for the rest of his life and will never be reunited with his chesnari…and Moon… Lovely Moon will become bitter and resentful for Tyson will never enter his life. Without each other, their lives are lonely ones.”
Pellaz shivered and turned to face his younger twin. “Why are you doing this?”
“You wished you had never become Tigron. I am showing you what my life would be like if I had stayed a ‘normal’ har.” The younger Pellaz appeared unfazed by the Tigron’s discomfort. He had seen too much pain to feel distressed over Pellaz’ anxiety.
His guide’s words suddenly registered with Pellaz. “You said that Cobweb and Snake never met, but…? And that Tyson…?” He frowned and deep lines of worry appeared on his brow. The truth was that when he had uttered those words in bed at night that he had never considered what his life might have been like if he had never ascended to Tigron. This was a rude awakening.
“I will take us to Galhea. Then you will understand.” An expression of pain suddenly crossed the younger Pellaz’ features: he had to steel himself for what was to come. He didn’t want to go to Galhea, but he had to - he had to show his older twin why Pellaz had to embrace being Tigron.
~~~
Pellaz couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Forever, the house that was home to Cobweb, Swift, and Tyson, resembled a prison. Steel bars had been placed in front of the windows and Varrs patrolled the surroundings. The house breathed desolation and angst. He swallowed convulsively and was overcome with a sense of dread. “What happened here?”
The guards paid them no attention and it dawned on Pellaz that they were invisible to them. His young guide gestured for him to follow him into the house and Pellaz complied. Shivers ran down his spine when he realized how heavily armed these Varrs were. Arrogant sneers lay on their faces and their eyes shone with bloodlust.
“You want to know what happened here. Let me show you then.” The younger Pellaz opened a door and stepped inside. “Look for yourself. Do you recognize him?”
Pellaz’ heart thundered in his chest as he approached the bed. A blond har rested there, curled up in a fetal position. The long, shiny hair reminded him of Cal’s, but surely this couldn’t be his chesnari? Dressed in only a hint of silk, the body bore witness to violent aruna. Bruises circled the ankles and wrists, and when Pellaz looked at the face, he released a terrifying scream. It was Cal. But it wasn’t *his* Cal. The expression in those normally so alert eyes was cold and dead. He looked emaciated and his hands rested on his abdomen. The movement of those hands had been confined with handcuffs. “Who is this?” Pellaz spun around and glared at his guide.
The younger Pellaz shrugged. “It’s Cal.”
“But…” Lost for words, Pellaz looked at his guide and then back at Cal.
“Do you remember Cobweb? Terzian’s former consort?” the younger Pellaz asked.
Pellaz flinched and he nodded his head. “I remember him.” Beautiful Cobweb, who wouldn’t remember him?
“Cal and I didn’t rescue him from his kidnappers. The wound on his leg became infected and his abductors left him behind. Cobweb starved to death. Without our help Cobweb never escaped.”
“I can’t believe any of this!” Pellaz stalked over to the bed and knelt on the floor so he could look at Cal. “Oh, Cal, what did they do to you?” He reached out to caress Cal’s face, hoping for some kind of reaction, but nothing happened.
“You should ask: what did *I* do to him.” The younger Pellaz moved over to the bed as well and sat down on the edge. His hand hovered above Cal’s body, but he didn’t touch him yet.
“What do you mean?” Pellaz questioned sharply.
“In this life Orien warned me. He told me that Thiede was after me and that once inception had been completed, Thiede would have a hold on me.”
Pellaz noticed the longing in his younger twin’s eyes whenever the young har looked at Cal. “What did Orien do?”
“Orien incepted me himself.”
Pellaz blinked. “He did what?”
“You heard me. Orien incepted me and it worked. I became har.” The young har finally placed his hand on Cal’s head and stroked the blond strands. “For a time, we were happy.”
Pellaz’ head reeled from all this information. “Orien incepted you?”
The younger Pellaz didn’t bother to confirm that again. “We left Saltrock to travel about. Unfortunately for us, we didn’t run into Lianvis and his Kakkahaar. We ran into Varrs instead.”
Pellaz shivered and grasped Cal’s hand in his. His chesnari didn’t react to the touch though.
“Terzian recognized Cal of course. Since Cobweb was lost to him, he took Cal as his new consort. Cal has been kept locked up in this room for years, producing one pearl after another. Terzian created his own private breeding facility at Forever.”
Pellaz suddenly grew afraid to ask this young har what had become of him after Cal had been taken away from him. That was information he wasn’t yet ready for and his guide seemed to understand.
“You wonder about Tyson, of course,” the younger Pellaz said, maybe in an effort to distract himself. “Tyson was born, but received a different upbringing. He is one of Terzian’s most feared general’s now and heir apparent.”
“What about Swift?” Swift was one of his dearest friends and it would grief Pellaz to hear that Swift had died too.
“Swift never had Cobweb to supply him with insights, wisdom, and an inner balance. Swift fights in Terzian’s army, but no longer plays a vital part in Terzian’s life. Swift carries too much of Cobweb’s legacy in him and Terzian turned to hate him once he had Tyson to take Swift’s place.”
Pellaz didn’t want to let go of Cal’s hand. He wanted to gather this broken har into his arms and heal him, carry him away from there, and see him recover.
The younger Pellaz however continued talking and said, “The Varrs rule Megalithica. I wasn’t there to stop Terzian and Ponclast. They still maintain their stronghold in Fulminir and reign over haradom in terror.”
Pellaz swallowed the bile that had gathered at the back of his throat. He hadn’t considered something like that could happen until now.
“Ponclast has descended to new lows,” the younger Pellaz said. “Fulminir has become an infestation that affects all hara. Ponclast sends for new meat every other week. The breeding facilities flourish and are producing hara for consumption. Eating the flesh of hara is something Ponclast promotes; telling his soldiers it will give them strength. The musenda in Fulminir are filled with hara that never chose to become kanene. They are kept there against their will and raped at will by Ponclast’s soldiers.”
“Stop this! I have heard enough!” Pellaz raised his hands and tried to cover up his ears.
His younger version however pried them away and forced him to listen further. Looking into the haunted eyes, Pellaz forced himself to compose himself. “Why are you doing this?”
“You wished you hadn’t become Tigron. I am trying to show you why you must be Tigron.” A look of sympathy flashed across the young har’s face. “I know that being Tigron is hard on you and demands certain sacrifices, but you must do it.”
Pellaz looked at Cal again and his heart contracted painfully. He was reminded of Caeru, who had been confined to bed but for different reasons. “Why must I always hurt the ones I love?”
“Ironically enough, there is one har whose life is better now. Caeru’s.”
After uttering those words, their surroundings changed again and Pellaz found himself in a familiar setting back in Ferelithia. One look at the stage told him that it was Caeru’s band that was performing. Caeru looked as desirable as he had that day they had first met. Pellaz, who had denied he loved Caeru for a long time, loved seeing the blond har own the stage.
“Caeru is happy, though I am not sure how much longer it will last. Even life in Ferelithia is changing and the Varrs are moving in.” The younger Pellaz pointed out a silver-haired har to his older twin. “Velaxis came here looking for distraction from his worries and found Caeru. They quickly became chesna.”
A smile formed on Pellaz’ face when he saw the two hara embrace happily and then share breath. He had forgotten what a remarkable sight a happy Caeru was. “That is good.” But then another thought occurred to him. “Isn’t Velaxis supposed to be in Immanion?”
“Ah, Immanion…” The young har turned soulful eyes to his older twin. “Let me show you Immanion.”
Apprehension swept over Pellaz at hearing those words and he reached out for comfort. He took his guide’s hand into his again and for the first time he noticed how cool the skin was and how much the limb shook.
Such tremors likewise tormented Pellaz’ body when he set eyes on his plundered city for the first time. Immanion consisted of burning buildings, slaves being led through the streets, wounded hara, and Varrs pushing them on, refusing them healing. His gaze shifted to the balcony, where he normally stood overlooking his city and his heart stopped beating for one long moment, seeing two hara stand out among the devastation.
“Terzian and Ponclast never murdered Gahrazel. He became one of the main leaders instead. With Ponclast ruling Fulminir, Terzian in Megalithica and Gahrazel in Immanion, they are in absolute control.” The younger Pellaz closely studied his older twin and saw the shock on the Tigron’s face. “Do you see the har standing close to Gahrazel?” He waited for Pellaz to nod and then said, “His name is Panthera.”
Pellaz swallowed hard. That was a name he was familiar with. Panthera had been his contender for Cal’s love at one point. He frowned then, looking closely at the har. Panthera had always been described as beautiful to him, and looking closely, he could still see the hints of said beauty, but the har itself looked old and worn. The hair had lost its luster, the eyes stared blankly ahead, and the har was too thin. “What happened to Panthera?”
“Terzian found him when he raided the musenda Jafit kept him prisoner in. Remember, there was no Cal to free Panthera. Panthera fell into Terzian’s hands and Terzian gifted him to Gahrazel. Can you tell how happy they are?” Those last words dripped with sarcasm since Gahrazel chose that moment to lash out at Panthera and slap him across the face for not obeying a command that instant.
Pellaz flinched in sympathy and then gathered his courage to ask his young guide, “What happened to Galdra… You didn’t mention him yet.” Could it be that Galdra had survived somehow?
The younger Pellaz nodded. He had been waiting for that question. “Freyhella is still a free land. Tyr and Galdra rule there, although… The Varrs want to conquer the north as well.” His eyes narrowed and he said, “You do realize that none of our children came into existence? And you never took aruna with Galdra…”
Pellaz released his guide’s hand for a moment and placed them protectively over his abdomen, where Galdra’s and his pearl was developing. “Where is Thiede in all this? Surely he must have intervened?”
“Thiede tried, but without the Hegemony and the Gelaming backing him up, he lacked strength. You see, Pellaz, *you* are the binding factory. Thiede can’t move without you. You are his avatar. Thiede needs you as much as these hara need you.”
Pellaz shook violently over his entire body when he turned to face his younger version. There was no use in postponing the inevitable. “What happened to you?”
The younger Pellaz took a step closer to his older twin and carefully wrapped his arms around him. “You want to know what happened to me?”
Pellaz’ shivering increased and he shakily nodded his head. “I do.” He feared what he might hear, but he had to know.
“I died. Terzian murdered me. There was no Thiede to protect or empower me. By letting Orien incept me, Thiede couldn’t prepare me to become Tigron. Terzian took great delight in breaking my bones and once that failed to amuse him any longer, he slid my throat in Cal’s presence. Cal lost his mind after that. When you saw Cal in that room, you didn’t know the real reason why he’s like that. He saw me die and then Terzian made him his whore. Eventually Cal will stop fighting. All that keeps him alive at the moment are his memories of me - of how good it felt to hold me.”
Pellaz wanted to break free, but stopped himself when he saw the big, fat tears leave his younger twin’s eyes. “I love him so much,” the younger Pellaz said. “Terzian told me what he had in store for Cal before he slid my throat. When I released my last breath I saw Terzian wrestle Cal into submission. That image will always remain with me. I am a ghost now. Please understand why certain sacrifices are necessary. I know it hurts to see Caeru in such pain. I know it hurts that Cal lost his mind for a while and found comfort elsewhere… “
“But Pellaz, you are still alive. You still have Cal’s love. Cal went through his rites of purification and he came out of it a Tigron. Hara in your world are relatively happy. Cobweb has Snake and Snake has been healed. Moon and Tyson are together. Swift rules in Galhea with Seel at his side. Ulaume and Flick are happy too. I want you to know that much good came out of you being Tigron.”
The world around them had faded and in this new vacuum only they existed . Pellaz couldn’t help but ask, “Thiede, is this you?” Who else would play mind games on him?
“No, I’m not Thiede.” The younger Pellaz rested his head against the Tigron’s shoulder and shivered violently. “I am what would have been if you had chosen a different path. I am as real as you are and I hurt as much as you do.”
Feeling confused, Pellaz lifted the head from his shoulder and probed the other har’s thoughts. They were real and he sensed no manipulation. “Once this is over, where will you go?”
The young har gave Pellaz a rueful smile. “My sole purpose was to show you why you must be Tigron. Once I accomplished that I can rest.” He raised a hand and touched the Tigron’s face. “I accomplished what I set out to do, didn’t I?”
Pellaz nodded. “You did. I understand why I was chosen and why I accepted. I might regret certain events in my past, but you made me aware of the fact that I have the power to make amends. I can’t let your reality come to pass.” The smile that had appeared on the young har’s face made Pellaz feel humble. “Thank you for showing me.”
“You made the right choices,” the younger Pellaz said. “Cal and you are happy, while my Cal is lost to me forever.”
“Can I do something…anything to lessen your pain?” Pellaz wanted to reach out and made amends to this lost soul. Slowly he wrapped him up in his thoughts - warm thoughts - feeding him memories that were dear to him.
“Love Cal, Caeru and Galdra and love your children… They deserve your love. You are a good Tigron. There will be moments of despair in your future, but… stories like yours always have a happy ending.”
Pellaz enveloped his younger twin in a tender hug and closed his eyes, concentrating on all the tender moments he had spent with Cal and Caeru in the past. He could sense how the young har took them inside him. “I promise you that I will love them…and I will be the best Tigron I can.”
“Then I can rest…” The younger Pellaz cocked his head and pressed a chaste kiss onto the Tigron’s brow. “Never doubt yourself. You made the right decisions…” Those words vaporized in the vacuum and a moment later, the other har was gone, leaving Pellaz alone behind.
~~~
Pellaz woke up because Caeru was stirring in his sleep. He lifted his head and tried to shake off the dream he had just had. Although, had it just been a dream? His brow itched where it had been kissed. Pellaz sat upright and looked at Caeru, who was waking up. The eyes opened and tried to focus on him. In them, Pellaz read too many questions.
“Don’t say anything.” Pellaz buried Caeru in a hug. Cal had woken as well and after moving about the blond har embraced them from behind. “All is well,” Pellaz said, reassuring Caeru when the Tigrina wanted to speak.
Pellaz shared breath with Caeru and curled his fingers around his consort’s hand. One day, he might tell Caeru and Cal about his dream, maybe not. He didn’t know yet what he would do. Closing his eyes, he momentarily focused within, trying to find traces of the young har that had opened his eyes. Was he still there?
He found him in the deep recesses of his mind. Extending his thoughts, he tried to contact him, but the younger Pellaz was cocooned in something warm that protected him from further prying. Concentrating harder, Pellaz realized that the young har wasn’t alone. For one moment, a bright image imploded in his mind, showing him his younger version and a healthier looking Cal curled around each other on a bed in Saltrock. Cal looked happy holding the younger Pellaz in his sleep.
Satisfied that this younger Pellaz had found this version of Cal, Pellaz opened his eyes again and focused on Caeru. He was going to keep his promise. He would work hard on mending the rift between Caeru and him.
Looking at Cal from over his shoulder, he smiled. The bright smile on Cal’s face showed Pellaz how much his chesnari had changed over the years. Thiede had found a way to forge a steel blade out of Cal’s wild Uigenna blood. Cal was supposed to be at his side as his protector and so was Caeru, as their Tigrina. The three of them deserved to be happy and he deserved to be Tigron of Immanion, ruler of all hara.
His eyes had been opened.
The end