dance with my father
Dance With My Father
Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved
If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again
Ooh, ooh
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father
again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear her, mama cryin’ for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m prayin’ for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don’t do it usually
But Lord, she’s dyin’ to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream
--Luther Vandross
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####NOTE: This is a continuation of the previous post####
when mom and i left the rehab center, we stopped to attempt breakfast. i think both of us ate because we know intellectually that we had to fuel ourselves before the start of the trip, but i'm not entirely sure how much each of us actually ate.
we went back to my sister's home, and we had roger make a few phone calls to have the locks changed at the house. given the trash rachel had been spewing, it wouldn't have surprised us if she tried to get into the house, and we weren't entirely certain that someone in the indiana family didn't have a key. we had intended to leave that day, or rather that evening, but none of us rested. we just couldn't. i can't say that i did anything particularly productive, other than pack mom's car, but i was so zoned out from...everything. eventually, we all agreed we'd sleep that night, but get an early start. the plan was to be on the road no later than 3:15 a.m.
at 3:50, we set out. we'd realized we really didn't have to rush. we weren't on a time clock. my sister took the first leg of the drive. somewhere in georgia, we stopped for gas and then for breakfast at a cracker barrel. after that, i took the wheel. i screwed up and didn't take a certain bypass. where that was, i couldn't tell you, but it didn't seem to impede the trip much. when we hit atlanta, i braced for the worst. it wasn't great, but it wasn't the hell i anticipated. we got nearly to chattanooga before my sister got mom's gps working, and then we fought the gps's route the whole way home. funny how the system tells you one thing, but you know the side roads much better.
as we got closer and closer to crossville, i started seeing the changes. there were new homes dotted throughout the wooded areas of the road. there was a new medical plaza on one of the main highways. there were new stores, new roads, new developments...and yet, so many things were still the same. when we got to the subdivision, we drove past the house and went to judy and duck's. they had been handling things at the house and the property in mom and dad's absence. they had the new keys to the house. it was a tearful meeting, and i knew that mom's dread was at a highpoint. she'd come to the first people that knew daddy and had to face that he wasn't with her and wouldn't be ever again.
we took the keys and headed to the house. i knew that walking in the door would be hardest. being in her home for the first time without him, knowing he'd never be there again...all the familiar sights and smells, all the pieces of their life gathered around her...i knew it. she began crying when she got into the entry to the kitchen. she stood there, shaking, crying quietly...and then she moved us right on in to start checking on things.
we weren't there 3 minutes before someone knocked at the door. then someone else. then someone else...and someone else. it dawned on me that we should have expected this in a small town. a few neighbors that i'd never met arrived first. then came the tried and true neighbors, miss gwynne and miss donna. before i knew it, we had people arriving with food, and miss donna even made a grocery run for us.
we sat down and got to work after that. we had to get the copies of the will out, we needed daddy's military retirement papers, we had to sort out everyone that we needed to call...and those calls got started.
we had tried so hard to reach friends and let them know about dad's passing, but it seems someone is always missed. it's no easier calling government agencies and creditors. having to explain repeatedly why we were calling, asking what paperwork needed to be completed, talking to social security and the veterans affairs offices, banks, cell phone companies...the list still seems endless.
the following day, tuesday, we headed to the church and the funeral home. let me say here and now, if you ever have need for funeral home services in crossville, tennessee, you'll find none better than Hood Funeral Home. never in my life have i met more compassionate, gentle, tactful, efficient, and generous people. there is a very special kind of person meant for that kind of job, and without a doubt, every single person with Hood is phenomenal. Garry and Pat in particular are the most wonderful folks. they made the experience as simple and considerate as possible, and they were more accommodating than anyone ever in my life.
mom's church family is tremendous. walking in, we immediately felt like part of the family, and both the pastor and his wife made a point to come up to the church to meet with us as soon as they found out we were there. they were unbelievably supportive and open to any sort of service mom wanted to have for daddy.
after the church and funeral home, mom decided we had to eat, so we went for chinese, and we ran into a dear friend and his wife. he had not yet heard about dad's passing, so he was overjoyed to see us, full of hugs and smiles. it was so hard to have to give the reason for the visit, and his smiling face was so sad the next instant. i love glenn dearly, always have, and he's always been like a younger brother to me, moreso that his baby sister and my sister cheered and graduated together. he asked if he could call his sister, renee, to let her know. we exchanged a few more thoughts and went on to eat.
we weren't home for long when there was a knock at the door. one of dad's former coworkers and long-time friend had come by to offer his condolences. we were a little taken aback, but found that the obituary was already being read on the local radio station. his wife had heard it and immediately called him, and he was just shocked. he stayed for a good while, talking with my mom and my sister while i handled other calls.
later, i took a call from renee, and i was transported back to her own father's funeral. i recall how completely devastated the family had been, and i knew in that very moment the exact emotion they felt. there's both peace and torment in being able to share that link. renee asked if it would bother us for her to call some of their (renee and my sister's) friends to let them know about the funeral. i explained about the obituary on the radio and told her it would be fine.
at some point, my sister sent a message through to alberta to find out where in the cemetery they wanted dad to be buried. we'd had grave markers for years, but things in the family changed so much that we weren't certain what was the preference, and we all agreed alberta should have the choice of where dad would be laid to rest. she indicated that she wanted dad buried next to her late husband, so we made a note of it and let the funeral home know.
i drove to nashville that night to pick up my auntie viv and uncle bill, the first of 3 nights of driving to nashville to pick up family. turns out, i even have a cousin carl that lives in nashville and works at the airport there. how's that for irony? in the meantime, uncle herman had arrived from florida, and auntie lori and uncle duran showed up the following day.
wednesday, even more food arrived, friends bringing fruits and meat trays and groceries by the car load. renee even came by with the back of her ginormous SUV stuffed with groceries and cases of sodas and more food than i knew what to do with. i ducked out of there later with auntie lori and uncle duran so we could pick up my auntie helen from guam at the airport. that ride was a trip! on top of everything else, we got a call from my sister to tell me to be sure and let everyone have a pit stop somewhere before we got home. seemed the sewer line decided to back up and the city wouldn't be out until the morning to clear it.
(have i mentioned i have special nicknames for all of my aunties?
auntie viv is sergeant blas because she's like a drill sergeant when she's catering parties, and i also call her auntie mom because she lived close to my family when we lived in california, so if we weren't with my mom, we were with auntie viv and her crew
auntie janet is my auntie barbie because she's like a tiny little barbie doll, always perfect and dressed so nicely.
auntie helen is my auntie sweetie because she's just that, a total sweetie!
auntie bobbie is my auntie vroom-vroom because her hubby always had a harley davidson, and i loved the motorcycles.
auntie lorraine, or auntie lori, is my auntie oompa-loompa because she's so short and she's so darn cute!!!
auntie elsie was always auntie kay-kay just because that's what everyone called her)
thursday, we found out that rachel went down to the cemetery to rearrange the grave markers on her own. the funeral home called to ask. somehow MY marker had been moved next to grandpa's grave and dad's was next to mine (i decided later that it was a mistake rachel made, mixing up mine and my mom's). mom has been wishy washy about where she wants to be buried, so we went with alberta's original statement and told the funeral home to dig where my marker was and that's where dad would go.
thursday, the sewer acted up again, so mom had to get a plumber out. even then, nothing was ever found. we all still think it was daddy playing tricks. already we'd been having issues with things moving or disappearing, no one knowing how or why.
my friend amy came by with her mom, zel. zel is married to a man i'd say was my dad's best friend locally. they're a sweet couple, and amy and i graduated together. we had a lot of friends in common, but over the years we lost touch. it was still wonderful to talk with her again.
thursday night, i took auntie helen with me to pick up auntie janet. those two are a riot together, and they already were plotting on ways to help mom.
friday, auntie lori and uncle duran went to the airport in nashville to pick up kerry. we had more food dropped by, and by this point, we had dueling chefs in the kitchen. all i know is that i was way spoiled, getting lots of chamorro food and loving every minute of it. diet, what diet?
larry arrived on friday as well, so it was getting very interesting in the sleeping arrangements. i was with mom, auntie viv and uncle bill were in the rear guest room, kerry got the front guest room, my sister and her husband and son had the floor in the front living room, auntie helen and auntie janet shared an air mattress in the front living room, uncle herman got the hide-a-bed in the back family room, and larry was in a recliner in the back family room. auntie lori and uncle duran booked out and got a hotel room somewhere.
my mom's cousin, my uncle roman, and his wife terry showed up. uncle roman brought his ukulele and got drafted into being the instrument for the family to sing during the service. oh, did i forget to mention it's tradition in chamorro funerals to have the family sing? auntie viv came with sheet music and everything. guess what she was going to have us sing? "Be Not Afraid" and "Here I Am Lord". no way i could do it. i tried at practice, and it just wasn't happening.
*sigh* saturday was the funeral and burial. the family viewing started at 8 a.m. naturally, the indiana family showed up early, which was fine. they also brought down the flowers and gifts from friends of theirs up north, so that was part of the display around daddy's coffin. i was pleasantly surprised to see an arrangement from my office at home. there were sweet and thoughtful arrangements from many of mom's church friends. it was sad to see so little from people that had been dad's friends, but he'd cut so many people out of his life over the last few years, i can't say it was a shock. still, mom's friends' offerings were beautiful and made a lovely statement. when the slideshow of pictures started on a loop through the offering, it brought some smiles and some tears on all sides. there was an honor guard there to salute daddy as a veteran, and their attendance and presentation was so very impressive.
daddy looked amazing. you know how at funerals, the body has a slight resemblance to the deceased, but it just isn't quite "right"? i tell you, his color was perfect. his face was exactly my father in peaceful sleep. it was realistic enough that i was slightly spooked. i kept waiting for him to awaken and sit up.
at some point, a gaggle of arthur's family showed up from allardt, quite evidently as a show of support for rachel after whatever spin she put on her victimization story. i'm sure they arrived to protect her from mom and her allegedly evil family.
the public visitation started, and i tried to position myself so that i could keep an eye on mom and my sister. there are some wonderful aspects to small-town living and some not-so-wonderful aspects. there was definitely the chance that an unwanted or uncomfortable visitor would show, and my greatest concern was my mom and sister. i didn't have many friends left in tennessee, so i wasn't overly worried about being blind-sided by anyone. i was, however, intrigued by certain appearances.
looking back on it, there were several folks that were...less than warm in their condolences, and i realized that those folks were mostly people that were in close contact with the indiana family. i won't say that i'll think ill of those folks, after all they did show up to pay their respects...but i certainly won't forget, either.
there's a big blur of folks from that day, so many that i was touched to see, others i was shocked to see, still more that i didn't recognize, but two encounters were truly monumental to me.
i'd had so little sleep in the two weeks prior to the funeral that i was already a little loopy, and i found myself calling people by the wrong name or just altogether blanking out on folks. still, looking around the church, i kept thinking i was catching a peek of my late grandfather's face out of the corner of my eye. finally, at one point when i was talking with larry, a gentleman walked up to me and greeted me. i was a little wary, mostly because i hadn't seen him approach, but also because i thought i was hallucinating. my grandfather's face, so clear, that look in his eye i remembered so well, the patient wait for a reaction. i bit my cheek to keep from saying something stupid, but the man in front of me asked if i knew him. i told him honestly that his face was terribly familiar, but i apologized for not knowing him. the moment he said his name, i could have fallen down. how i didn't think of it before, i will have to chalk up to faulty memory and frankly the thought that i had stepped off into the rabbit hole. it was my grandfather's son, my dad's stepbrother, a man i've known of all my life and shared a few memories, but i haven't seen in decades. he's nearly a duplicate of grandpa, and i was so happy to see him at the service. we've since reconnected, and i'm so terribly glad to have the chance to build on what my grandfather always tried to nurture as family.
later, i was talking with someone, and i'm ashamed to say i don't even recall who it was. my eyes were still scanning continuously, keeping my sister and mother in sight, and i flicked my glance toward my mother. as i began to look back at the person i was speaking with, several things clicked in my head:
1. my mother had a smile on her face, so i knew she wasn't uncomfortable.
2. my mother was standing with a tall, well-dressed man and an equally well-dressed lady.
3. all three of these individuals were looking square at me, not at each other.
4. from their postures, they were either talking about me or waiting for me
i turned my gaze back more sharply to take in exactly who my mother was standing with. it took only a moment, a long moment on some levels, but a blink of an eye in reality. one moment i was standing in front of whoever i was talking to, a split second later i was across the front of the room hurled into the arms of my best friend since high school, rob. i cried and smiled and cried some more. i turned and hugged his wife, christie, and i was just overwhelmed. rob shoved a piece of paper in my hand; mister technophobe himself had an email address and a blackberry for a cell phone. he had started his own business and was doing well. we sat down to talk, and i gave him a very quick run-down on how daddy died, but the service was starting shortly, so they took their seats. the pastor asked for the family to be seated front and center, and my mom indicated that someone should bring alberta and her husband, robbie, rachel, and arthur to the front pew. i thought that was very nice of my mother.
something to note: the pall-bearers were required to sit to one side, apart from the rest of the congregation. since my brother in law was a pall-bearer, he couldn't sit with my sister. this was NOT a pleasant discovery. she made it through, but i still think it was unnecessarily difficult. ditto for robbie, whose husband also stepped in as pall-bearer.
the service was quite lovely. a lady pastor from the church sang "El Shaddai". then mom's family sang, not only "A Closer Walk With Thee", but also "Amazing Grace" for alberta's choice. after that, the pastor's wife sang "Shout To The Lord". the pastor then gave a wonderful service, especially not having known daddy at all. the kicker? his message was strongly inclusive of the term "compassion", the very thing daddy was pressing my sister and i about on that one last lucid wednesday night.
the service ended and people came by to give their condolences one last time. i had been ok mostly, crying only quietly and in tightly controlled moments. larry had been trying to encourage me to allow myself to cry since he first came to the center to visit daddy in florida. i just couldn't. i don't cry well, i don't cry "pretty", and i had too much to do to indulge in such silly things. the occasional tear, the random moment of trembling, but that's all i had time for. even during the ceremony, but then the reality had set in, hearing the pastor speak of daddy and his "return home", and i could feel the stress from the last few months squeezing tighter. as each person walked by with a hug or a handshake, i could feel my automatic, "thank you for coming" slipping a little each time. then christie was in front of me, hugging me, telling me she knew what i was going through, that she lost her dad three years ago, and that it would take time, but to come by, to call, she'd listen...and i knew, i KNEW rob was right behind her...and in that brief little moment i kept telling myself i could hold it together, i'd be ok, i'd be fine if he'd just make it a quick hug, if he wouldn't hug me hard or hug me long, i'd be ok, i wouldn't bawl, i'd be fine...
he kneeled down in front of me, gathered me up, and hugged me tight and close, and that was just it. i lost it, collapsed onto his shoulder and just wept, shaking, trying so hard not to be loud, the one person i've ever been able to cry completely with, the shoulder i'd missed for 6 years, finally the safety to take just a little moment to mourn. i'm sure it seemed like forever to him, it definitely did to me, but i started to recall that there were other people around, others i needed to thank, mom and my sister to check on, family to keep in mind. i promised rob i'd see him and christie before i left, and i let them go.
it was time to go, time to make the 90-minute ride to the cemetery. the funeral home assistants were picking up flowers and plants, collecting the floral cards, gathering everything to take to the grave site, and it was time to get in the vehicles. i noticed rachel flitting around, snatching up things here and there, items and gifts from folks up north, that kind of thing. she also tried to take something from the sign-in table, fussing about how it should be theirs, but i walked on by. i wish i'd known at that point that she was furtively taping a 10-page letter to my mother in the back of my dad's memorial book. i might have found a creative way to ensure a big, fat papercut.
at any rate, we had prepared for the long drive, a cooler had been packed with small sandwiches, fruits, and some snacks for the family to share. with all the health issues to deal with (one uncle on dialysis, one auntie nearing a kidney transplant, mom and me diabetic, and all the other little complications for everyone), we knew we had to have something for the road. we gave the funeral home the 10-minute lead they asked for and used the time to get something edible into everyone's hand, then we took off.
my sister mentioned that rob had come by to hug her, calling to her as "little sis", something he's always thought of her. when she mentioned it, kerry asked me who the "good looking man" was that had come to see me. i was puzzled, but then we worked out that it was rob she was talking about. i explained the friendship and such, and kerry went on, saying that he got bright red when i saw him, that he was smiling for me. it took a minute or two to explain that rob and i are JUST friends, that the lady with him is rob's wife, and that he and i had been through a lot together. later i came to find that everyone took note of rob, from my aunties (who all thought he was "HOT") to larry (who was grateful to see me finally let myself cry a bit).
at the grave site, we were surprised to see even more people gathered, folks that hadn't been able to make it to the services, but that wanted to pay their respects. some of dad's teachers showed up, even distant relatives that didn't know mom, but wanted to extend their thoughts to her anyway. my mom's family sang one last song, "Here I Am Lord", and the honor guard gave the 21-gun salute with "Taps" playing in the background. the funeral director asked the family to step over to the pavilion just across the yard so the lowering could be done, and we started out that way. at some point, mom was stopped by various people giving support and condolences. i came to find later that my sister stopped by mom, rubbing her back, while alberta was talking to mom. alberta hugged mom, pulled my sister into the hug, then shoved my mom out of the way so she could talk with noelene. my sister was appalled, then infuriated that she would try to use the opportunity to suck up and get a chance to see the kids. she stood there and let alberta talk, but watched the funeral folks lower the casket, effectively ignoring alberta.
mom got a lot of comments from folks on all sides, including her church, about how uplifting dad's service was. rather than be mired in sorrow and grief, mom made it a celebration, with pictures and with her family singing and with all the songs giving hope and rejoicing. apparently it was a far cry from the services they had seen elsewhere.
90-minutes later, back at mom's church, there was an incredible meal given by the church for our family. it was somewhat solemn initially, but uncle roman's ukulele came out at some point, and there were smiles and laughter, encouragement and hope. i think dad would have been touched to know how happy he made everyone there when he openly accepted Christ, and everyone there knew that they WOULD see him again. it's strange to think that just that one step could have such a powerful effect on the path to healing.
it's been a few weeks now since the funeral. i stayed to help mom till the june 18. we made phone calls, we filled out paperwork, we ran errands till i thought i'd collapse. i got a visit in with rob and christie, helped write out thank-you cards, and got mom's new machine for her sleep apnea. still, there are a million things to do.
there's been some drama here and there. larry and i had a good talk, and he made me realize that there is still a lot of healing to be done despite the blessing of that final exchange with my dad.
mom found that 10-page letter from rachel taped into the back of dad's funeral memorial book. the more hate and rage and twisted psychosis she spewed, the more i have reflected on her behavior and realized how totally unhinged she is. she doesn't act like a grieving aunt, or even a grieving sister or mother. she behaves like a woman scorned, as if my dad dared take another woman (my mom), and god forbid the "other woman" isn't even white! she's treated my mother like a dog since the first day, and she's done other things along the years to exhibit her anger at not having my father's attention. these latest antics and the addition of that letter...i tell you, i think the woman has an unhealthy, unnatural obsession with my father. she truly behaves as if she's the grieving widow, and it's disconcerting. we came to find that after the altercation with my mom in the hospital, she and arthur tracked down the people watching the house and tried to gain entry into the house. fortunately, judy works for the sheriff's department and wasn't about to let anyone in that house, blood relation or not. rachel even went so far as to call the senator of tennessee to get him to force someone to have dad brought to tennessee while he was in the hospital. she has attempted to undermine everything my mother was doing for my dad, and it's just gotten out of hand.
this week, my mother sent a copy of that letter to alberta and her husband along with a letter cutting ties. she was actually very diplomatic in the letter, not laying blame, but offering condolences, offering her reasoning in a brief comment, and wishing them well with a clear statement that she has no interest in communicating with them in any way. even so, she received not one, but two emails from alberta's husband, trying to chide her for not forgiving and for holding everyone to blame for one person's actions. i did tell mom that it's unfortunate that charlie is in the middle of all this. i actually do get the feeling that charlie is an outstanding person and a truly sweet man. unfortunately, he has no frame of reference to go to about this situation, nothing beyond what his wife is telling him, and that's going to be only her perspective or her version of the truth. he also didn't quite seem to get the message in there that mom isn't holding a grudge or refusing to forgive them; she's simply removing herself from a toxic relationship. she wished them well and was as courteous as she could be without confusing her intent.
my sister is trying to settle into some form of normalcy again. they had keegan's make-up birthday party last weekend, and it seems the kids had a truly good time. it's taking awhile for her to get used to NOT grabbing the kids from daycare so they can rush up to the hospital to visit dad. after so many months of that routine, i suspect it will be awhile before she has a sense of schedule again.
noelene and i are still anxious about how things will work for mom. we are trying to plan time to head to crossville and spend a weekend sorting through EVERYTHING and getting things ready to sell. it may be that the weekend of the 26th we'll get together to price stuff, then sometime in august hold a gigantic garage sale. mom's trying to decide if she'll keep the house or sell it to get something smaller. she just doesn't need something that gigantic to take care of on her own. there's always the offer for her to live down in florida, but i suspect mom is like me and sometimes likes the freedom of having her own space away from everyone else. it's not that she doesn't want to be with noelene and her family, just that sometimes the need for distance provides that sense of independence and self-sufficiency. maybe she'll be a snow bird. we'll see.
as for me, i'm still trying to get my feet under me. my first day back to work, i had a conversation with one of my bosses which included the comments, "Now that you've had a couple of weeks off to get your head straight and deal with your family stuff..." and "I know you get frustrated, but I need you to not get frustrated, I need you to be back with a better attitude and a fresh start"...
yeah, it's kind of evident that he has NO clue what i've just been through. i mean, watching my father die, burying him, and taking on all the other crap that has been heaved up at us all in the last couple of months...no, i wouldn't say i "had a couple of weeks off". as for the attitude problem, when i tried to pin him down to a specific issue, he had no clear answer or example, just some "things" he'd been hearing from "the guys".
translation: the asshole in the office that doesn't like fat people is gunning to get me out of there. he's already gotten one girl out, trying to blame someone else for my boss's sudden "realization" that we didn't need the gal he got canned.
i still love my job, i enjoy most of the people i work with, and i still actually do like my bosses. however, this is twice now i've nearly thrown my keys at matt and walked out. you know what they say about three strikes. we'll see how the game plays out, but keep your fingers crossed.
oh, did i mention we're in the middle of MOVING??? yeah, no stress here. no way. uh-uh.
Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved
If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again
Ooh, ooh
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father
again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear her, mama cryin’ for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m prayin’ for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don’t do it usually
But Lord, she’s dyin’ to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream
--Luther Vandross
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####NOTE: This is a continuation of the previous post####
when mom and i left the rehab center, we stopped to attempt breakfast. i think both of us ate because we know intellectually that we had to fuel ourselves before the start of the trip, but i'm not entirely sure how much each of us actually ate.
we went back to my sister's home, and we had roger make a few phone calls to have the locks changed at the house. given the trash rachel had been spewing, it wouldn't have surprised us if she tried to get into the house, and we weren't entirely certain that someone in the indiana family didn't have a key. we had intended to leave that day, or rather that evening, but none of us rested. we just couldn't. i can't say that i did anything particularly productive, other than pack mom's car, but i was so zoned out from...everything. eventually, we all agreed we'd sleep that night, but get an early start. the plan was to be on the road no later than 3:15 a.m.
at 3:50, we set out. we'd realized we really didn't have to rush. we weren't on a time clock. my sister took the first leg of the drive. somewhere in georgia, we stopped for gas and then for breakfast at a cracker barrel. after that, i took the wheel. i screwed up and didn't take a certain bypass. where that was, i couldn't tell you, but it didn't seem to impede the trip much. when we hit atlanta, i braced for the worst. it wasn't great, but it wasn't the hell i anticipated. we got nearly to chattanooga before my sister got mom's gps working, and then we fought the gps's route the whole way home. funny how the system tells you one thing, but you know the side roads much better.
as we got closer and closer to crossville, i started seeing the changes. there were new homes dotted throughout the wooded areas of the road. there was a new medical plaza on one of the main highways. there were new stores, new roads, new developments...and yet, so many things were still the same. when we got to the subdivision, we drove past the house and went to judy and duck's. they had been handling things at the house and the property in mom and dad's absence. they had the new keys to the house. it was a tearful meeting, and i knew that mom's dread was at a highpoint. she'd come to the first people that knew daddy and had to face that he wasn't with her and wouldn't be ever again.
we took the keys and headed to the house. i knew that walking in the door would be hardest. being in her home for the first time without him, knowing he'd never be there again...all the familiar sights and smells, all the pieces of their life gathered around her...i knew it. she began crying when she got into the entry to the kitchen. she stood there, shaking, crying quietly...and then she moved us right on in to start checking on things.
we weren't there 3 minutes before someone knocked at the door. then someone else. then someone else...and someone else. it dawned on me that we should have expected this in a small town. a few neighbors that i'd never met arrived first. then came the tried and true neighbors, miss gwynne and miss donna. before i knew it, we had people arriving with food, and miss donna even made a grocery run for us.
we sat down and got to work after that. we had to get the copies of the will out, we needed daddy's military retirement papers, we had to sort out everyone that we needed to call...and those calls got started.
we had tried so hard to reach friends and let them know about dad's passing, but it seems someone is always missed. it's no easier calling government agencies and creditors. having to explain repeatedly why we were calling, asking what paperwork needed to be completed, talking to social security and the veterans affairs offices, banks, cell phone companies...the list still seems endless.
the following day, tuesday, we headed to the church and the funeral home. let me say here and now, if you ever have need for funeral home services in crossville, tennessee, you'll find none better than Hood Funeral Home. never in my life have i met more compassionate, gentle, tactful, efficient, and generous people. there is a very special kind of person meant for that kind of job, and without a doubt, every single person with Hood is phenomenal. Garry and Pat in particular are the most wonderful folks. they made the experience as simple and considerate as possible, and they were more accommodating than anyone ever in my life.
mom's church family is tremendous. walking in, we immediately felt like part of the family, and both the pastor and his wife made a point to come up to the church to meet with us as soon as they found out we were there. they were unbelievably supportive and open to any sort of service mom wanted to have for daddy.
after the church and funeral home, mom decided we had to eat, so we went for chinese, and we ran into a dear friend and his wife. he had not yet heard about dad's passing, so he was overjoyed to see us, full of hugs and smiles. it was so hard to have to give the reason for the visit, and his smiling face was so sad the next instant. i love glenn dearly, always have, and he's always been like a younger brother to me, moreso that his baby sister and my sister cheered and graduated together. he asked if he could call his sister, renee, to let her know. we exchanged a few more thoughts and went on to eat.
we weren't home for long when there was a knock at the door. one of dad's former coworkers and long-time friend had come by to offer his condolences. we were a little taken aback, but found that the obituary was already being read on the local radio station. his wife had heard it and immediately called him, and he was just shocked. he stayed for a good while, talking with my mom and my sister while i handled other calls.
later, i took a call from renee, and i was transported back to her own father's funeral. i recall how completely devastated the family had been, and i knew in that very moment the exact emotion they felt. there's both peace and torment in being able to share that link. renee asked if it would bother us for her to call some of their (renee and my sister's) friends to let them know about the funeral. i explained about the obituary on the radio and told her it would be fine.
at some point, my sister sent a message through to alberta to find out where in the cemetery they wanted dad to be buried. we'd had grave markers for years, but things in the family changed so much that we weren't certain what was the preference, and we all agreed alberta should have the choice of where dad would be laid to rest. she indicated that she wanted dad buried next to her late husband, so we made a note of it and let the funeral home know.
i drove to nashville that night to pick up my auntie viv and uncle bill, the first of 3 nights of driving to nashville to pick up family. turns out, i even have a cousin carl that lives in nashville and works at the airport there. how's that for irony? in the meantime, uncle herman had arrived from florida, and auntie lori and uncle duran showed up the following day.
wednesday, even more food arrived, friends bringing fruits and meat trays and groceries by the car load. renee even came by with the back of her ginormous SUV stuffed with groceries and cases of sodas and more food than i knew what to do with. i ducked out of there later with auntie lori and uncle duran so we could pick up my auntie helen from guam at the airport. that ride was a trip! on top of everything else, we got a call from my sister to tell me to be sure and let everyone have a pit stop somewhere before we got home. seemed the sewer line decided to back up and the city wouldn't be out until the morning to clear it.
(have i mentioned i have special nicknames for all of my aunties?
auntie viv is sergeant blas because she's like a drill sergeant when she's catering parties, and i also call her auntie mom because she lived close to my family when we lived in california, so if we weren't with my mom, we were with auntie viv and her crew
auntie janet is my auntie barbie because she's like a tiny little barbie doll, always perfect and dressed so nicely.
auntie helen is my auntie sweetie because she's just that, a total sweetie!
auntie bobbie is my auntie vroom-vroom because her hubby always had a harley davidson, and i loved the motorcycles.
auntie lorraine, or auntie lori, is my auntie oompa-loompa because she's so short and she's so darn cute!!!
auntie elsie was always auntie kay-kay just because that's what everyone called her)
thursday, we found out that rachel went down to the cemetery to rearrange the grave markers on her own. the funeral home called to ask. somehow MY marker had been moved next to grandpa's grave and dad's was next to mine (i decided later that it was a mistake rachel made, mixing up mine and my mom's). mom has been wishy washy about where she wants to be buried, so we went with alberta's original statement and told the funeral home to dig where my marker was and that's where dad would go.
thursday, the sewer acted up again, so mom had to get a plumber out. even then, nothing was ever found. we all still think it was daddy playing tricks. already we'd been having issues with things moving or disappearing, no one knowing how or why.
my friend amy came by with her mom, zel. zel is married to a man i'd say was my dad's best friend locally. they're a sweet couple, and amy and i graduated together. we had a lot of friends in common, but over the years we lost touch. it was still wonderful to talk with her again.
thursday night, i took auntie helen with me to pick up auntie janet. those two are a riot together, and they already were plotting on ways to help mom.
friday, auntie lori and uncle duran went to the airport in nashville to pick up kerry. we had more food dropped by, and by this point, we had dueling chefs in the kitchen. all i know is that i was way spoiled, getting lots of chamorro food and loving every minute of it. diet, what diet?
larry arrived on friday as well, so it was getting very interesting in the sleeping arrangements. i was with mom, auntie viv and uncle bill were in the rear guest room, kerry got the front guest room, my sister and her husband and son had the floor in the front living room, auntie helen and auntie janet shared an air mattress in the front living room, uncle herman got the hide-a-bed in the back family room, and larry was in a recliner in the back family room. auntie lori and uncle duran booked out and got a hotel room somewhere.
my mom's cousin, my uncle roman, and his wife terry showed up. uncle roman brought his ukulele and got drafted into being the instrument for the family to sing during the service. oh, did i forget to mention it's tradition in chamorro funerals to have the family sing? auntie viv came with sheet music and everything. guess what she was going to have us sing? "Be Not Afraid" and "Here I Am Lord". no way i could do it. i tried at practice, and it just wasn't happening.
*sigh* saturday was the funeral and burial. the family viewing started at 8 a.m. naturally, the indiana family showed up early, which was fine. they also brought down the flowers and gifts from friends of theirs up north, so that was part of the display around daddy's coffin. i was pleasantly surprised to see an arrangement from my office at home. there were sweet and thoughtful arrangements from many of mom's church friends. it was sad to see so little from people that had been dad's friends, but he'd cut so many people out of his life over the last few years, i can't say it was a shock. still, mom's friends' offerings were beautiful and made a lovely statement. when the slideshow of pictures started on a loop through the offering, it brought some smiles and some tears on all sides. there was an honor guard there to salute daddy as a veteran, and their attendance and presentation was so very impressive.
daddy looked amazing. you know how at funerals, the body has a slight resemblance to the deceased, but it just isn't quite "right"? i tell you, his color was perfect. his face was exactly my father in peaceful sleep. it was realistic enough that i was slightly spooked. i kept waiting for him to awaken and sit up.
at some point, a gaggle of arthur's family showed up from allardt, quite evidently as a show of support for rachel after whatever spin she put on her victimization story. i'm sure they arrived to protect her from mom and her allegedly evil family.
the public visitation started, and i tried to position myself so that i could keep an eye on mom and my sister. there are some wonderful aspects to small-town living and some not-so-wonderful aspects. there was definitely the chance that an unwanted or uncomfortable visitor would show, and my greatest concern was my mom and sister. i didn't have many friends left in tennessee, so i wasn't overly worried about being blind-sided by anyone. i was, however, intrigued by certain appearances.
looking back on it, there were several folks that were...less than warm in their condolences, and i realized that those folks were mostly people that were in close contact with the indiana family. i won't say that i'll think ill of those folks, after all they did show up to pay their respects...but i certainly won't forget, either.
there's a big blur of folks from that day, so many that i was touched to see, others i was shocked to see, still more that i didn't recognize, but two encounters were truly monumental to me.
i'd had so little sleep in the two weeks prior to the funeral that i was already a little loopy, and i found myself calling people by the wrong name or just altogether blanking out on folks. still, looking around the church, i kept thinking i was catching a peek of my late grandfather's face out of the corner of my eye. finally, at one point when i was talking with larry, a gentleman walked up to me and greeted me. i was a little wary, mostly because i hadn't seen him approach, but also because i thought i was hallucinating. my grandfather's face, so clear, that look in his eye i remembered so well, the patient wait for a reaction. i bit my cheek to keep from saying something stupid, but the man in front of me asked if i knew him. i told him honestly that his face was terribly familiar, but i apologized for not knowing him. the moment he said his name, i could have fallen down. how i didn't think of it before, i will have to chalk up to faulty memory and frankly the thought that i had stepped off into the rabbit hole. it was my grandfather's son, my dad's stepbrother, a man i've known of all my life and shared a few memories, but i haven't seen in decades. he's nearly a duplicate of grandpa, and i was so happy to see him at the service. we've since reconnected, and i'm so terribly glad to have the chance to build on what my grandfather always tried to nurture as family.
later, i was talking with someone, and i'm ashamed to say i don't even recall who it was. my eyes were still scanning continuously, keeping my sister and mother in sight, and i flicked my glance toward my mother. as i began to look back at the person i was speaking with, several things clicked in my head:
1. my mother had a smile on her face, so i knew she wasn't uncomfortable.
2. my mother was standing with a tall, well-dressed man and an equally well-dressed lady.
3. all three of these individuals were looking square at me, not at each other.
4. from their postures, they were either talking about me or waiting for me
i turned my gaze back more sharply to take in exactly who my mother was standing with. it took only a moment, a long moment on some levels, but a blink of an eye in reality. one moment i was standing in front of whoever i was talking to, a split second later i was across the front of the room hurled into the arms of my best friend since high school, rob. i cried and smiled and cried some more. i turned and hugged his wife, christie, and i was just overwhelmed. rob shoved a piece of paper in my hand; mister technophobe himself had an email address and a blackberry for a cell phone. he had started his own business and was doing well. we sat down to talk, and i gave him a very quick run-down on how daddy died, but the service was starting shortly, so they took their seats. the pastor asked for the family to be seated front and center, and my mom indicated that someone should bring alberta and her husband, robbie, rachel, and arthur to the front pew. i thought that was very nice of my mother.
something to note: the pall-bearers were required to sit to one side, apart from the rest of the congregation. since my brother in law was a pall-bearer, he couldn't sit with my sister. this was NOT a pleasant discovery. she made it through, but i still think it was unnecessarily difficult. ditto for robbie, whose husband also stepped in as pall-bearer.
the service was quite lovely. a lady pastor from the church sang "El Shaddai". then mom's family sang, not only "A Closer Walk With Thee", but also "Amazing Grace" for alberta's choice. after that, the pastor's wife sang "Shout To The Lord". the pastor then gave a wonderful service, especially not having known daddy at all. the kicker? his message was strongly inclusive of the term "compassion", the very thing daddy was pressing my sister and i about on that one last lucid wednesday night.
the service ended and people came by to give their condolences one last time. i had been ok mostly, crying only quietly and in tightly controlled moments. larry had been trying to encourage me to allow myself to cry since he first came to the center to visit daddy in florida. i just couldn't. i don't cry well, i don't cry "pretty", and i had too much to do to indulge in such silly things. the occasional tear, the random moment of trembling, but that's all i had time for. even during the ceremony, but then the reality had set in, hearing the pastor speak of daddy and his "return home", and i could feel the stress from the last few months squeezing tighter. as each person walked by with a hug or a handshake, i could feel my automatic, "thank you for coming" slipping a little each time. then christie was in front of me, hugging me, telling me she knew what i was going through, that she lost her dad three years ago, and that it would take time, but to come by, to call, she'd listen...and i knew, i KNEW rob was right behind her...and in that brief little moment i kept telling myself i could hold it together, i'd be ok, i'd be fine if he'd just make it a quick hug, if he wouldn't hug me hard or hug me long, i'd be ok, i wouldn't bawl, i'd be fine...
he kneeled down in front of me, gathered me up, and hugged me tight and close, and that was just it. i lost it, collapsed onto his shoulder and just wept, shaking, trying so hard not to be loud, the one person i've ever been able to cry completely with, the shoulder i'd missed for 6 years, finally the safety to take just a little moment to mourn. i'm sure it seemed like forever to him, it definitely did to me, but i started to recall that there were other people around, others i needed to thank, mom and my sister to check on, family to keep in mind. i promised rob i'd see him and christie before i left, and i let them go.
it was time to go, time to make the 90-minute ride to the cemetery. the funeral home assistants were picking up flowers and plants, collecting the floral cards, gathering everything to take to the grave site, and it was time to get in the vehicles. i noticed rachel flitting around, snatching up things here and there, items and gifts from folks up north, that kind of thing. she also tried to take something from the sign-in table, fussing about how it should be theirs, but i walked on by. i wish i'd known at that point that she was furtively taping a 10-page letter to my mother in the back of my dad's memorial book. i might have found a creative way to ensure a big, fat papercut.
at any rate, we had prepared for the long drive, a cooler had been packed with small sandwiches, fruits, and some snacks for the family to share. with all the health issues to deal with (one uncle on dialysis, one auntie nearing a kidney transplant, mom and me diabetic, and all the other little complications for everyone), we knew we had to have something for the road. we gave the funeral home the 10-minute lead they asked for and used the time to get something edible into everyone's hand, then we took off.
my sister mentioned that rob had come by to hug her, calling to her as "little sis", something he's always thought of her. when she mentioned it, kerry asked me who the "good looking man" was that had come to see me. i was puzzled, but then we worked out that it was rob she was talking about. i explained the friendship and such, and kerry went on, saying that he got bright red when i saw him, that he was smiling for me. it took a minute or two to explain that rob and i are JUST friends, that the lady with him is rob's wife, and that he and i had been through a lot together. later i came to find that everyone took note of rob, from my aunties (who all thought he was "HOT") to larry (who was grateful to see me finally let myself cry a bit).
at the grave site, we were surprised to see even more people gathered, folks that hadn't been able to make it to the services, but that wanted to pay their respects. some of dad's teachers showed up, even distant relatives that didn't know mom, but wanted to extend their thoughts to her anyway. my mom's family sang one last song, "Here I Am Lord", and the honor guard gave the 21-gun salute with "Taps" playing in the background. the funeral director asked the family to step over to the pavilion just across the yard so the lowering could be done, and we started out that way. at some point, mom was stopped by various people giving support and condolences. i came to find later that my sister stopped by mom, rubbing her back, while alberta was talking to mom. alberta hugged mom, pulled my sister into the hug, then shoved my mom out of the way so she could talk with noelene. my sister was appalled, then infuriated that she would try to use the opportunity to suck up and get a chance to see the kids. she stood there and let alberta talk, but watched the funeral folks lower the casket, effectively ignoring alberta.
mom got a lot of comments from folks on all sides, including her church, about how uplifting dad's service was. rather than be mired in sorrow and grief, mom made it a celebration, with pictures and with her family singing and with all the songs giving hope and rejoicing. apparently it was a far cry from the services they had seen elsewhere.
90-minutes later, back at mom's church, there was an incredible meal given by the church for our family. it was somewhat solemn initially, but uncle roman's ukulele came out at some point, and there were smiles and laughter, encouragement and hope. i think dad would have been touched to know how happy he made everyone there when he openly accepted Christ, and everyone there knew that they WOULD see him again. it's strange to think that just that one step could have such a powerful effect on the path to healing.
it's been a few weeks now since the funeral. i stayed to help mom till the june 18. we made phone calls, we filled out paperwork, we ran errands till i thought i'd collapse. i got a visit in with rob and christie, helped write out thank-you cards, and got mom's new machine for her sleep apnea. still, there are a million things to do.
there's been some drama here and there. larry and i had a good talk, and he made me realize that there is still a lot of healing to be done despite the blessing of that final exchange with my dad.
mom found that 10-page letter from rachel taped into the back of dad's funeral memorial book. the more hate and rage and twisted psychosis she spewed, the more i have reflected on her behavior and realized how totally unhinged she is. she doesn't act like a grieving aunt, or even a grieving sister or mother. she behaves like a woman scorned, as if my dad dared take another woman (my mom), and god forbid the "other woman" isn't even white! she's treated my mother like a dog since the first day, and she's done other things along the years to exhibit her anger at not having my father's attention. these latest antics and the addition of that letter...i tell you, i think the woman has an unhealthy, unnatural obsession with my father. she truly behaves as if she's the grieving widow, and it's disconcerting. we came to find that after the altercation with my mom in the hospital, she and arthur tracked down the people watching the house and tried to gain entry into the house. fortunately, judy works for the sheriff's department and wasn't about to let anyone in that house, blood relation or not. rachel even went so far as to call the senator of tennessee to get him to force someone to have dad brought to tennessee while he was in the hospital. she has attempted to undermine everything my mother was doing for my dad, and it's just gotten out of hand.
this week, my mother sent a copy of that letter to alberta and her husband along with a letter cutting ties. she was actually very diplomatic in the letter, not laying blame, but offering condolences, offering her reasoning in a brief comment, and wishing them well with a clear statement that she has no interest in communicating with them in any way. even so, she received not one, but two emails from alberta's husband, trying to chide her for not forgiving and for holding everyone to blame for one person's actions. i did tell mom that it's unfortunate that charlie is in the middle of all this. i actually do get the feeling that charlie is an outstanding person and a truly sweet man. unfortunately, he has no frame of reference to go to about this situation, nothing beyond what his wife is telling him, and that's going to be only her perspective or her version of the truth. he also didn't quite seem to get the message in there that mom isn't holding a grudge or refusing to forgive them; she's simply removing herself from a toxic relationship. she wished them well and was as courteous as she could be without confusing her intent.
my sister is trying to settle into some form of normalcy again. they had keegan's make-up birthday party last weekend, and it seems the kids had a truly good time. it's taking awhile for her to get used to NOT grabbing the kids from daycare so they can rush up to the hospital to visit dad. after so many months of that routine, i suspect it will be awhile before she has a sense of schedule again.
noelene and i are still anxious about how things will work for mom. we are trying to plan time to head to crossville and spend a weekend sorting through EVERYTHING and getting things ready to sell. it may be that the weekend of the 26th we'll get together to price stuff, then sometime in august hold a gigantic garage sale. mom's trying to decide if she'll keep the house or sell it to get something smaller. she just doesn't need something that gigantic to take care of on her own. there's always the offer for her to live down in florida, but i suspect mom is like me and sometimes likes the freedom of having her own space away from everyone else. it's not that she doesn't want to be with noelene and her family, just that sometimes the need for distance provides that sense of independence and self-sufficiency. maybe she'll be a snow bird. we'll see.
as for me, i'm still trying to get my feet under me. my first day back to work, i had a conversation with one of my bosses which included the comments, "Now that you've had a couple of weeks off to get your head straight and deal with your family stuff..." and "I know you get frustrated, but I need you to not get frustrated, I need you to be back with a better attitude and a fresh start"...
yeah, it's kind of evident that he has NO clue what i've just been through. i mean, watching my father die, burying him, and taking on all the other crap that has been heaved up at us all in the last couple of months...no, i wouldn't say i "had a couple of weeks off". as for the attitude problem, when i tried to pin him down to a specific issue, he had no clear answer or example, just some "things" he'd been hearing from "the guys".
translation: the asshole in the office that doesn't like fat people is gunning to get me out of there. he's already gotten one girl out, trying to blame someone else for my boss's sudden "realization" that we didn't need the gal he got canned.
i still love my job, i enjoy most of the people i work with, and i still actually do like my bosses. however, this is twice now i've nearly thrown my keys at matt and walked out. you know what they say about three strikes. we'll see how the game plays out, but keep your fingers crossed.
oh, did i mention we're in the middle of MOVING??? yeah, no stress here. no way. uh-uh.