Warning: Woe-is-me/Vent post ahead
Ok, so I'm working on the opera for my theatre practice requirement, and if I didn't need the damn course to graduate, I'd have just dropped the damn thing weeks ago.
Let's start off with the fact that I'm only stuck running props because the girl who was assigned to it begged to have someone to help her.
Neither of us have ANY experience with building/finding props. She at least has some experience with creating a set, so she should have something in the way of an idea. However, she already did a show this semester and feels that since she "doesn't need the hours," she shouldn't have to do anything. She has "too much shit to do" because she signed herself up for far too many clubs and has decided to shirk her duties to the opera. This leaves me completely shafted. Add the fact that the stage manager has some hatred for me because I was thrown into a role last semester that I knew nothing about, and we have a recipe for disaster.
My school email is also being incredibly stupid. Emails are coming in in odd orders, emails I'm sending are vanishing into email space, shit like that. And my other courses aren't exactly free-time-inducing. And furthermore, it's my goddamn 5th year here. I should be able to sit back and take it easy. For 4 years, I've busted my ass. I've done more in each semester than the vast majority of students do in an entire year, and I'm a fucking BA. BAs are treated like inferior beings, yet I've always worked my ass off to prove that I'm not some slack-ass mofo. And because I'm inexperienced, I'm being given nothing but shit.
Plain and simple, I cannot do this on my own, and that's pretty much what's going on. I feel like my questions are being treated like bothers - granted, someone who has done this before wouldn't have to ask these questions, but as I'm the only person working and I haven't done this before, they have to be asked. So yes, I'm risking a shitty grade because I was thrown into water that's about 9 feet above my head. I don't have a life preserver, I can barely doggy-paddle, and the lifeguards aren't all that willing to get into the water. Now let's move onto classes!
My courseload, while not that heavy, is impossible. I start a third minicourse tomorrow/today, and that will likely require a lot of out-of-class thinking. My Spanish teacher doesn't teach; we're assigned homework on topics that we'll cover the day the homework is due, thus making us essentially teach ourselves. Luckily, I've already learned much of this stuff, and I do pick up on languages fairly well, but that really doesn't help when I'm trying to pick up the nuances and specifics. And don't get me started on the false cognates.
Mass Media and Society is fairly easy. It "requires" reading outside of class (in a book I don't own), and has no homework. Note that the reading isn't that terribly important. I've gotten rather good grades on the tests thus far, and I participate nearly daily, so I should be ok.
Then there's Novels & Tales. Not bad, fairly easy to bullshit through, but there's fucktons of reading to be done. And with the opera, teaching myself Spanish, trying to keep my GPA up (thus studying, which I've never really done)...Plain and simple, I don't have time to do all the reading, and most of it doesn't exist on sparknotes.
Then there's Pubic Public Health. All of the assignments are on the syllabus. None of them are EVER announced in class. How many people are actually going to check the fucking syllabus to see if there's anything due? Yeah, nobody. So I don't feel too bad about being unprepared, but for fuck's sake, can't this woman be a little less retarded? Ask a question, get an...uh...well, some sort of rambling that doesn't answer any question you've asked, though it's usually on the same topic. Ask for clarification, and the teacher's hearing mysteriously cuts out. No matter how loud and enunciative you are. Do I want to stab her in the throat? Why yes, yes I do.
Then there's the full week and a half of absences that I've accumulated throughout the year. The teachers are supposed to be lenient this semester because of H1N1 and all that happy horseshit. How many will? Well, my grades will probably show that. Can't wait for that bullshit. And let's not forget the personal issues!
I was rear-ended a couple of weeks ago. I'm physically ok and the damages to the car appear superficial. They'll be paid for, the fault is completely on the other guy, and I'm not being hounded 24/7 by insurance agents this time. I nearly had a panic attack at the time, but at least the nightmares didn't come back.
My dad's been on disability for his back for quite some time. I'm worried that I may have to move back home. My parents will eventually need the help with the household upkeep. They'll eventually need the help with the bills. I'll eventually have to go back to the island, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I can breathe here. I can't breathe at home; it's claustrophobic, frantic, and just unappealing.
I was just bitten by a spider. I have no idea where it went, but I have the tell-tale itchy, slightly bloody bite marks. Fuck you, bugs, and your increasing of my arachnophobia.
September 15th, the day after my brother's birthday, I had to have my dear Samantha put down. She was suffering, and as bad as I felt having her euthanized, I felt 19308275 times worse for prolonging it. She was so pitiful in the end. Barely able to walk, eat, drink, breathe...And I couldn't let her go, so I forced her to go through that for longer than I should have. I feel like a fucking monster for that.
Then I lost Molly, her "big sister". She died in my fucking arms. I mean, yes, I was bringing her to the vet to have her put down, too, but I didn't even get my coat on to leave when she stopped breathing. It was peaceful, painless, and she wasn't suffering before she died, but still... I mean, yes, she was old, she had been through a lot, and she didn't have her beloved sister anymore, but anyone who has lost a pet can imagine the horror of cuddling your baby and watching her just stop breathing on her own. I was shocked, horrified, and absolutely crushed. I handled it well at the time; Molly went on her own terms, without being poked at by the vet, which she hated. She chose the "opt out" button, gave the vet a hearty "Fuck that!" and was strong and peaceful enough to go in her mommy's arms. THAT IS NOT A COMFORT! My babies are still gone.
A dear relative, Doug, died of ALS at the age of 37. He's gone. His wonderful, loving family has lost their patriarch. They deserve so much better, yet, like so many others, they've been shafted by life. My grandmother, my beloved grandmother is gone. It was a year and a half ago, and I still cannot deal with it. My grandfather died in March. I've lost so much recently that it's a miracle I haven't completely lost my mind. Sometimes I wonder how. Right now is one of those times. My meds are working fine. I've been taking them, and I know damn well that they're a huge part of why I haven't been committed. I guarantee that if I wasn't on them, I'd be in a hospital right now, unable to wear shoelaces or use anything sharp, pencils included.
I really don't know how it's happened, but most of this year hasn't really sunk in. Before Grandma died on April 15, 2008, we lost a family friend. After her came Gerry Slattery, who was probably my favorite Irish-side relative save my father. A friend's mother was found dead on a beach. She was only in her late 40s/early 50s. One of my dad's drum corps buddies died. My mom's coworkers lost a grandfather and (I believe) two mothers-in-law. Other friends have lost uncles, great uncles, friends, etc. I've been there for all of them. Then Poppy. Then Sam, Doug, Molly...
I really don't know how much more I can take before it all hits me at once and I snap. I know it's bound to happen at some point. Like I said, I still can't deal with Grandma. How am I supposed to deal with everyone else? Gods help me when my great uncle and great aunt go. Right now, knock wood, they're both doing well, but when that eventually changes, as it's bound to for two 90-somethings...
I've been trying to look at the good things I have. I have a family that loves me despite my mental issues, my severe potty mouth, my dead-end career choice, my oddball friends, and my desire to be 500 miles away. I have a doting boyfriend whom I love dearly, who loves me dearly, and who will ultimately be my husband some day. I have a wonderful clean, nice, non-smoking housemate who, though occasionally neurotic, puts up with my insanity and my inability to be motivated. She also accepts that my boyfriend is here pretty much every weekend, and has never complained once about it, asked for money, etc. She recognizes that he does pay for things, doesn't eat her food, etc. I've been able to reconnect with friends that I never should have lost touch with in the first place. I may well have a job for the winter. My brother came to visit me for his birthday. My boyfriend's parents like me and mine like him. I just found a wonderful nail polish. I have a classmate with whom I get along very well and have a lot in common - we're even getting together next week to color (silly, right?) and study for a test. I participated in a MARI exercise with my councelor (look it up) which gave me excellent insight into myself. I have an absolutely beautiful apartment. I've lost a little bit of weight. It's not my goal, but it's a start. It's far more than I accomplished before. I'll take it. My hair is almost entirely red again. My computer is virus and mal-ware free. I got to draw in class today/yesterday. It's getting cold, so I'm sleeping more soundly. I have two loving babies, and though they aren't my Sam and Molly, they're my children, and I love them dearly. They're incredibly affectionate, and since I've had them since week 7, they're extremely friendly to everyone; not shy in the least. I'm writing again and I even got to do a happy dance for running a pen dry. I haven't done that since high school.
I'm trying to keep my head above water. Trying.
Let's start off with the fact that I'm only stuck running props because the girl who was assigned to it begged to have someone to help her.
Neither of us have ANY experience with building/finding props. She at least has some experience with creating a set, so she should have something in the way of an idea. However, she already did a show this semester and feels that since she "doesn't need the hours," she shouldn't have to do anything. She has "too much shit to do" because she signed herself up for far too many clubs and has decided to shirk her duties to the opera. This leaves me completely shafted. Add the fact that the stage manager has some hatred for me because I was thrown into a role last semester that I knew nothing about, and we have a recipe for disaster.
My school email is also being incredibly stupid. Emails are coming in in odd orders, emails I'm sending are vanishing into email space, shit like that. And my other courses aren't exactly free-time-inducing. And furthermore, it's my goddamn 5th year here. I should be able to sit back and take it easy. For 4 years, I've busted my ass. I've done more in each semester than the vast majority of students do in an entire year, and I'm a fucking BA. BAs are treated like inferior beings, yet I've always worked my ass off to prove that I'm not some slack-ass mofo. And because I'm inexperienced, I'm being given nothing but shit.
Plain and simple, I cannot do this on my own, and that's pretty much what's going on. I feel like my questions are being treated like bothers - granted, someone who has done this before wouldn't have to ask these questions, but as I'm the only person working and I haven't done this before, they have to be asked. So yes, I'm risking a shitty grade because I was thrown into water that's about 9 feet above my head. I don't have a life preserver, I can barely doggy-paddle, and the lifeguards aren't all that willing to get into the water. Now let's move onto classes!
My courseload, while not that heavy, is impossible. I start a third minicourse tomorrow/today, and that will likely require a lot of out-of-class thinking. My Spanish teacher doesn't teach; we're assigned homework on topics that we'll cover the day the homework is due, thus making us essentially teach ourselves. Luckily, I've already learned much of this stuff, and I do pick up on languages fairly well, but that really doesn't help when I'm trying to pick up the nuances and specifics. And don't get me started on the false cognates.
Mass Media and Society is fairly easy. It "requires" reading outside of class (in a book I don't own), and has no homework. Note that the reading isn't that terribly important. I've gotten rather good grades on the tests thus far, and I participate nearly daily, so I should be ok.
Then there's Novels & Tales. Not bad, fairly easy to bullshit through, but there's fucktons of reading to be done. And with the opera, teaching myself Spanish, trying to keep my GPA up (thus studying, which I've never really done)...Plain and simple, I don't have time to do all the reading, and most of it doesn't exist on sparknotes.
Then there's Pubic Public Health. All of the assignments are on the syllabus. None of them are EVER announced in class. How many people are actually going to check the fucking syllabus to see if there's anything due? Yeah, nobody. So I don't feel too bad about being unprepared, but for fuck's sake, can't this woman be a little less retarded? Ask a question, get an...uh...well, some sort of rambling that doesn't answer any question you've asked, though it's usually on the same topic. Ask for clarification, and the teacher's hearing mysteriously cuts out. No matter how loud and enunciative you are. Do I want to stab her in the throat? Why yes, yes I do.
Then there's the full week and a half of absences that I've accumulated throughout the year. The teachers are supposed to be lenient this semester because of H1N1 and all that happy horseshit. How many will? Well, my grades will probably show that. Can't wait for that bullshit. And let's not forget the personal issues!
I was rear-ended a couple of weeks ago. I'm physically ok and the damages to the car appear superficial. They'll be paid for, the fault is completely on the other guy, and I'm not being hounded 24/7 by insurance agents this time. I nearly had a panic attack at the time, but at least the nightmares didn't come back.
My dad's been on disability for his back for quite some time. I'm worried that I may have to move back home. My parents will eventually need the help with the household upkeep. They'll eventually need the help with the bills. I'll eventually have to go back to the island, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I can breathe here. I can't breathe at home; it's claustrophobic, frantic, and just unappealing.
I was just bitten by a spider. I have no idea where it went, but I have the tell-tale itchy, slightly bloody bite marks. Fuck you, bugs, and your increasing of my arachnophobia.
September 15th, the day after my brother's birthday, I had to have my dear Samantha put down. She was suffering, and as bad as I felt having her euthanized, I felt 19308275 times worse for prolonging it. She was so pitiful in the end. Barely able to walk, eat, drink, breathe...And I couldn't let her go, so I forced her to go through that for longer than I should have. I feel like a fucking monster for that.
Then I lost Molly, her "big sister". She died in my fucking arms. I mean, yes, I was bringing her to the vet to have her put down, too, but I didn't even get my coat on to leave when she stopped breathing. It was peaceful, painless, and she wasn't suffering before she died, but still... I mean, yes, she was old, she had been through a lot, and she didn't have her beloved sister anymore, but anyone who has lost a pet can imagine the horror of cuddling your baby and watching her just stop breathing on her own. I was shocked, horrified, and absolutely crushed. I handled it well at the time; Molly went on her own terms, without being poked at by the vet, which she hated. She chose the "opt out" button, gave the vet a hearty "Fuck that!" and was strong and peaceful enough to go in her mommy's arms. THAT IS NOT A COMFORT! My babies are still gone.
A dear relative, Doug, died of ALS at the age of 37. He's gone. His wonderful, loving family has lost their patriarch. They deserve so much better, yet, like so many others, they've been shafted by life. My grandmother, my beloved grandmother is gone. It was a year and a half ago, and I still cannot deal with it. My grandfather died in March. I've lost so much recently that it's a miracle I haven't completely lost my mind. Sometimes I wonder how. Right now is one of those times. My meds are working fine. I've been taking them, and I know damn well that they're a huge part of why I haven't been committed. I guarantee that if I wasn't on them, I'd be in a hospital right now, unable to wear shoelaces or use anything sharp, pencils included.
I really don't know how it's happened, but most of this year hasn't really sunk in. Before Grandma died on April 15, 2008, we lost a family friend. After her came Gerry Slattery, who was probably my favorite Irish-side relative save my father. A friend's mother was found dead on a beach. She was only in her late 40s/early 50s. One of my dad's drum corps buddies died. My mom's coworkers lost a grandfather and (I believe) two mothers-in-law. Other friends have lost uncles, great uncles, friends, etc. I've been there for all of them. Then Poppy. Then Sam, Doug, Molly...
I really don't know how much more I can take before it all hits me at once and I snap. I know it's bound to happen at some point. Like I said, I still can't deal with Grandma. How am I supposed to deal with everyone else? Gods help me when my great uncle and great aunt go. Right now, knock wood, they're both doing well, but when that eventually changes, as it's bound to for two 90-somethings...
I've been trying to look at the good things I have. I have a family that loves me despite my mental issues, my severe potty mouth, my dead-end career choice, my oddball friends, and my desire to be 500 miles away. I have a doting boyfriend whom I love dearly, who loves me dearly, and who will ultimately be my husband some day. I have a wonderful clean, nice, non-smoking housemate who, though occasionally neurotic, puts up with my insanity and my inability to be motivated. She also accepts that my boyfriend is here pretty much every weekend, and has never complained once about it, asked for money, etc. She recognizes that he does pay for things, doesn't eat her food, etc. I've been able to reconnect with friends that I never should have lost touch with in the first place. I may well have a job for the winter. My brother came to visit me for his birthday. My boyfriend's parents like me and mine like him. I just found a wonderful nail polish. I have a classmate with whom I get along very well and have a lot in common - we're even getting together next week to color (silly, right?) and study for a test. I participated in a MARI exercise with my councelor (look it up) which gave me excellent insight into myself. I have an absolutely beautiful apartment. I've lost a little bit of weight. It's not my goal, but it's a start. It's far more than I accomplished before. I'll take it. My hair is almost entirely red again. My computer is virus and mal-ware free. I got to draw in class today/yesterday. It's getting cold, so I'm sleeping more soundly. I have two loving babies, and though they aren't my Sam and Molly, they're my children, and I love them dearly. They're incredibly affectionate, and since I've had them since week 7, they're extremely friendly to everyone; not shy in the least. I'm writing again and I even got to do a happy dance for running a pen dry. I haven't done that since high school.
I'm trying to keep my head above water. Trying.