(no subject)
It's the holidays that are the hardest.
Looking around at all the fake people smiling through unfunny stories and uncomfortable gatherings of people they haven't seen in years and trying without the hope of success to catch up on their ends of the never ending soap opera... I miss being one of the liars. I miss the pretend laughing, the good food and the company of family members who really won't care an ounce about your life once they again depart for their own private corner of the world - I miss feeling like I belonged.
Even in the tired dances, through the aching in my face and shoulders from holding my head up and pretending all was well and holding all the correct expressions - though my feet and legs were aching from tired and worn steps - I miss being a part of them. Now I watch from the outside and hope and pray that someone notices me and asks me to dance again - to be a part of them again. Now I hold up the walls on either side of the window and wonder when someone will open it to let me into the warmth that I could pretend would get me through these frozen months.
But the Universe has chosen to leave me with nothing but a room, a car and a job. No family, one amazing and wonderful friend... who I no longer see... I'm growing but I have nothing to show for it, no one to share it with. Have I burned all my bridges, is there no hope for me anymore? I look around and I see people who once vowed never to leave me packing their bags and walking away, and people whom I've never known watching those leaving and deciding I'm not worth the effort. I have lost my home, my best friends, money... freedom and all in the name of what? I have met some amazing people knowing that when they look at me, they will see nothing but pieces of a broken soul who is tired of trying and has run out of duct tape. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I have nothing to offer myself. I look around in my duct tape and Elmer's Glue world and have nothing except the wonderings of when it will fall apart next time.
I met a guy. He has the nicest smile and a wonderful laugh and eyes that really see way too much. I'm afraid to have him look at me - I'm afraid he'll judge me worthless as well.
And now, a mini-list:
- I will let you in on a little secret. You tell someone that "they don't know me yet" when they ask why you're throwing this away, and I promise to air all the ways you aren't a perfect ray of sunshine either, darlin'. You and I may have ended, but don't ruin it for me with others.
- I guess I never really knew you, did I?
- You... make me smile so much my face hurts and laugh so much my ribcage has been sore for days. Please don't look at me and see the stains that mark me as unnecessary.
- I'm afraid to unpack. I'm afraid to reconnect. I'm afraid of being alone...
- I'm tired of guessing who people are, and their intentions. I'm straight with you, why can't you be straight with me?
*sighs* It's the holidays that are the hardest.
Looking around at all the fake people smiling through unfunny stories and uncomfortable gatherings of people they haven't seen in years and trying without the hope of success to catch up on their ends of the never ending soap opera... I miss being one of the liars. I miss the pretend laughing, the good food and the company of family members who really won't care an ounce about your life once they again depart for their own private corner of the world - I miss feeling like I belonged.
Even in the tired dances, through the aching in my face and shoulders from holding my head up and pretending all was well and holding all the correct expressions - though my feet and legs were aching from tired and worn steps - I miss being a part of them. Now I watch from the outside and hope and pray that someone notices me and asks me to dance again - to be a part of them again. Now I hold up the walls on either side of the window and wonder when someone will open it to let me into the warmth that I could pretend would get me through these frozen months.
But the Universe has chosen to leave me with nothing but a room, a car and a job. No family, one amazing and wonderful friend... who I no longer see... I'm growing but I have nothing to show for it, no one to share it with. Have I burned all my bridges, is there no hope for me anymore? I look around and I see people who once vowed never to leave me packing their bags and walking away, and people whom I've never known watching those leaving and deciding I'm not worth the effort. I have lost my home, my best friends, money... freedom and all in the name of what? I have met some amazing people knowing that when they look at me, they will see nothing but pieces of a broken soul who is tired of trying and has run out of duct tape. I have nothing left to offer anyone. I have nothing to offer myself. I look around in my duct tape and Elmer's Glue world and have nothing except the wonderings of when it will fall apart next time.
I met a guy. He has the nicest smile and a wonderful laugh and eyes that really see way too much. I'm afraid to have him look at me - I'm afraid he'll judge me worthless as well.
And now, a mini-list:
- I will let you in on a little secret. You tell someone that "they don't know me yet" when they ask why you're throwing this away, and I promise to air all the ways you aren't a perfect ray of sunshine either, darlin'. You and I may have ended, but don't ruin it for me with others.
- I guess I never really knew you, did I?
- You... make me smile so much my face hurts and laugh so much my ribcage has been sore for days. Please don't look at me and see the stains that mark me as unnecessary.
- I'm afraid to unpack. I'm afraid to reconnect. I'm afraid of being alone...
- I'm tired of guessing who people are, and their intentions. I'm straight with you, why can't you be straight with me?
*sighs* It's the holidays that are the hardest.