(no subject)
Lately... no, not lately. For a while now my relationships with people have sucked. Up, down, sideways and backwards - the relationships I've been in sucked. Most of that was me, I get that now - and I'm trying to fix the holes I've ripped in the fabric. Something I've just recently realized though is that... well, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say that I don't feel like there's something someone isn't telling me, you know? I hate ripping open old wounds because I don't feel like they've closed mostly because... even now, when things are going relatively decently, I feel like there's something I should know and be aware of that I just can't fucking see.
That makes me the bad friend, or the bad daughter. That makes me the idiot.
Maybe I've become so wrapped up in this feeling of playing catch-up that I'm reluctant to leave it? I mean... it isn't like me to be paranoid. At least, I didn't think it was. Maybe it is... I just don't know. My mom told me today that if I could manage to push my family away my friends weren't going to stick around much longer.
Good news? Today was the first time that I didn't believe her. Y'all have been around for 6-10 years... I'm trusting that there's something in this messed up personality of mine that y'all enjoy being around. I may never see it, I may never understand it.... but I'm starting to understand that I don't have to.
I look at the scenarios between a few of my friends, the heartache and pain that they've been through - both in the distant and not-so distant past... I don't ever want to be the cause of anything like that, you know? I don't ever want to see a look of pain cross the features of anyone I know because of me. For a while now, that's what has been happening though... and to be truthful... I don't even know how to go about patching the rifts I've helped create.
*sighs* I miss simpler times.
Short list:
- For the first time in a long while... I'm doubting myself instead of you.
- I fear I've lost my ability to write.
- What if I've lost you already?
- You were a mistake. I'm sorry, but you were.
- Today.... I meant it.
That makes me the bad friend, or the bad daughter. That makes me the idiot.
Maybe I've become so wrapped up in this feeling of playing catch-up that I'm reluctant to leave it? I mean... it isn't like me to be paranoid. At least, I didn't think it was. Maybe it is... I just don't know. My mom told me today that if I could manage to push my family away my friends weren't going to stick around much longer.
Good news? Today was the first time that I didn't believe her. Y'all have been around for 6-10 years... I'm trusting that there's something in this messed up personality of mine that y'all enjoy being around. I may never see it, I may never understand it.... but I'm starting to understand that I don't have to.
I look at the scenarios between a few of my friends, the heartache and pain that they've been through - both in the distant and not-so distant past... I don't ever want to be the cause of anything like that, you know? I don't ever want to see a look of pain cross the features of anyone I know because of me. For a while now, that's what has been happening though... and to be truthful... I don't even know how to go about patching the rifts I've helped create.
*sighs* I miss simpler times.
Short list:
- For the first time in a long while... I'm doubting myself instead of you.
- I fear I've lost my ability to write.
- What if I've lost you already?
- You were a mistake. I'm sorry, but you were.
- Today.... I meant it.