Last Night....
My mother made me feel like shit
I had noone to talk to distract myself
and I feel myself falling back in the black hole I just escaped
I mean I did talk to Kathleen
but
she mostly talked about boys
which...doesn't distract me obviously
and ever since I woke up today
I've been having a really bad feeling
that something awful is going to happen
and again....I have noone to talk to
and I'm listeing to shitty music I used to love but ..I hate now
I mean it's like "why torture yourself?"
but it reminds me of fall/winter of 9th grade
when I felt like evrything was okay
and comfortable with myself
I listened to alot of crappy music at that time....
Alesana,silverstein,secondhand serenade,dashboard confessional, etc.
It's weird how it makes me feel
how the smell of winter air with cigaretts magically appears
and Images ofthat drunk as fuck New Years Ryan and I had
It feels good remembering it.
Anyways..
back to what I was saying...
my mom randomly got up at like 3 am (we were in a hotel room at hard rock..idr if i already mentioned that)
I didn't do anything, i was just sitting there reading
and she starts bitching at me
pointing out all of my imperfections
and..it was all so random
wtf did I do? why does she have to do this?
Katie has replaced me with a million new friends, Ryan only talks to me when noone else will talk to him, and Kathleen is usually busy so I understand..., Milly also on talks to me when noone else will talk to her....
ash has been begging me to call her.
But I know her game
She's going to try to get me back
I have a new gf
I like just got over her
and I don't need drama b.s. she always brings along
RANT RANT RANT blah
lastnight I wrote another poem
really short
and...stupid
but it describes someone sitting on the floor of a shower
which was what I was doing and where I got the idea
and I was also thinking about this song by Iron and Wine
about loosing someone they just found
so I sorta added a lil thing of that
anyways..
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore
I mean....I'm talking to this chick michelle(she's had a crush on me forevrrrrrrr) and listeing to secondhand serenade...
So you can imagine
my head is like...
ejrnggn wtb nwr
And I'm trying to get all of this out on here..a journal thing
because I know someone is bound to read it
and I won't have to rant at someone
I do it because I don't want to seem like the type who is full of herself
I know I'm not that type
I just need this all out
It's just incredibly weird for me to just tell them all of this
i know I do sometimes
but it just...exploads and comes out
and I think that scares them
and I rather listen to people than talk
so yeah...
I don't want to strain anything with the few people I do have in my life
Just re-read old posts...
I need to pretend to be sick as fuck this weekend
so that mother doesn't make me eat 70 billion caloriess!!!!!!!!!!!
ew...
It's thanksgiving
and I am nowhere near my goal weight for tomorrow
FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
I feel like such a fucking failure
Why do I keep getting off track?
yesterday I ate 3 burritos, a fuck load of hot sauce, 2 small baja mountain dews, twix, mini chocolate mousse cake, volt, and an entire gianormous ranch and mexican crunchy thing salad.
Today I had 3 eggroll sized spring rolls with this weird spicy creamy sauce...
(and now michelle is offline...great....deserted)
I think I'm going to rip out my hair
and lay on the floor
and wait for death to seduce my soul.
making green tea again
Rayn