(no subject)
well, here I am again... never thought I'd actually write in this thing again, to be honest. I guess sometimes funny ideas just strike you.
Life is.... actually, I have no idea what life is. I'm scared as hell, actually, because I constantly feel like I'm outrunning the fuse connected to some great celestial pile of dynamite, but just barely keeping ahead.
I'm still in fucking school, believe it or not... by all rights I should have graduated by now, but I squandered my (fairly) easy ride. Now I have till next July until my parents' med insurance runs out, at which point I have to find full-time employment in addition to full-time classes. I'd love to be pissed about this, but the fact is I can't blame anyone but myself.
My little sister's getting married in early October, and graduating college in the spring. I sorta feel like my family's quietly falling apart, really... everyone basically gave up on my chances for success a long time ago, and they're all just smiling and trying not to look too much like they feel sorry for me. Or alternately, blowing up at me because they're all stressed to the max as well. I'm just trying to take control of my life, but I don't even have enough control to leave this chair.
Jesus Christ, I've been in counseling... failed out of one school... live with my parents at the age of 23, and still work at McDonald's. I am the most pathetic fucking person I know.
All I ever wanted was to make people happy, including myself... that's seemed impossible for, like, forever. This entry wasn't supposed to be so downbeat, but I guess I didn't realize how bad I really feel.
Goddamn, I miss everybody. I sorta abandoned all my friends too, and it would be foolish of me to expect them to forget it. What an idiot I've been. All aspects of my life, I guess... most are managable to some degree, but all I've damaged beyond complete repair.
What the fuck? Why did I write all this shit? I dunno... might as well post it rather than have the effort be wasted.
Life is.... actually, I have no idea what life is. I'm scared as hell, actually, because I constantly feel like I'm outrunning the fuse connected to some great celestial pile of dynamite, but just barely keeping ahead.
I'm still in fucking school, believe it or not... by all rights I should have graduated by now, but I squandered my (fairly) easy ride. Now I have till next July until my parents' med insurance runs out, at which point I have to find full-time employment in addition to full-time classes. I'd love to be pissed about this, but the fact is I can't blame anyone but myself.
My little sister's getting married in early October, and graduating college in the spring. I sorta feel like my family's quietly falling apart, really... everyone basically gave up on my chances for success a long time ago, and they're all just smiling and trying not to look too much like they feel sorry for me. Or alternately, blowing up at me because they're all stressed to the max as well. I'm just trying to take control of my life, but I don't even have enough control to leave this chair.
Jesus Christ, I've been in counseling... failed out of one school... live with my parents at the age of 23, and still work at McDonald's. I am the most pathetic fucking person I know.
All I ever wanted was to make people happy, including myself... that's seemed impossible for, like, forever. This entry wasn't supposed to be so downbeat, but I guess I didn't realize how bad I really feel.
Goddamn, I miss everybody. I sorta abandoned all my friends too, and it would be foolish of me to expect them to forget it. What an idiot I've been. All aspects of my life, I guess... most are managable to some degree, but all I've damaged beyond complete repair.
What the fuck? Why did I write all this shit? I dunno... might as well post it rather than have the effort be wasted.