it's christmas and i got a journal
and it's probably the best gift I've got since the last one that I don't have anymore for reasons I'm embarassed to get into.
I went to church this morning with my dad. It made me sad, and it made me happy.
I spent alot of the time I was there wondering if these people would love each other if Jesus didn't tell them to...It's a kinda jaded viewpoint to take I guess, but like...it seems like so many religious people live their lives so religiously that they're almost missing the point. At the same time I believe more things now than I have since I was like 12, so it was a good chance to think about some stuff like that. Except I forgot when to kneel...good thing they ring that bell.
It wasnt a good or bad christmas. it was just christmas, and i'm glad it's over. I'm still awake for some reason but probably by the time I wake up half my family will be here and I will wish I wasn't.
here are some things I wrote in yon journal that I wish I could express conversationally to certain people that I might never actually talk to again.
Drag me to my future with the practiced aggression of deliberate loss of control.
Kicking and screaming, my eyes are focused on blurry vision and a life half lived.
We are innocent victims who saw all of this coming.
A steady descent into a waking dream that only ends when you close your eyes and plead for sleep that never comes.
We walk in the moments buried beneath our tired eyes, bathing in the volumes of subtext we keep secret between the lines.
Caught on that hook, all efforts at happiness shred themselves on a stubborness that knows nothing but commitment to itself.
and this one is about the best friend i never had.
Write me off like somehow it matters, like somewhere along the line we were digging this hole together.
Like somehow I'm losing something that gave back more than I put in.
When really, this is reciprocation. The equation is finally reversed and the bullshit will cancel itself out.
Somewhere along the line I was more than just there. I was better than that shit up your nose or all the fucking lies that you told.
Because the truth is I dig my own holes and even if you were ever in there with me, even for a second, I can't let myself pretend I was ever anything more than a way to pass the time.
No love lost.
I'm pawning those memories for a shot at self respect.
Keep my name on your tongue, because someday I want you to choke on it.
I went to church this morning with my dad. It made me sad, and it made me happy.
I spent alot of the time I was there wondering if these people would love each other if Jesus didn't tell them to...It's a kinda jaded viewpoint to take I guess, but like...it seems like so many religious people live their lives so religiously that they're almost missing the point. At the same time I believe more things now than I have since I was like 12, so it was a good chance to think about some stuff like that. Except I forgot when to kneel...good thing they ring that bell.
It wasnt a good or bad christmas. it was just christmas, and i'm glad it's over. I'm still awake for some reason but probably by the time I wake up half my family will be here and I will wish I wasn't.
here are some things I wrote in yon journal that I wish I could express conversationally to certain people that I might never actually talk to again.
Drag me to my future with the practiced aggression of deliberate loss of control.
Kicking and screaming, my eyes are focused on blurry vision and a life half lived.
We are innocent victims who saw all of this coming.
A steady descent into a waking dream that only ends when you close your eyes and plead for sleep that never comes.
We walk in the moments buried beneath our tired eyes, bathing in the volumes of subtext we keep secret between the lines.
Caught on that hook, all efforts at happiness shred themselves on a stubborness that knows nothing but commitment to itself.
and this one is about the best friend i never had.
Write me off like somehow it matters, like somewhere along the line we were digging this hole together.
Like somehow I'm losing something that gave back more than I put in.
When really, this is reciprocation. The equation is finally reversed and the bullshit will cancel itself out.
Somewhere along the line I was more than just there. I was better than that shit up your nose or all the fucking lies that you told.
Because the truth is I dig my own holes and even if you were ever in there with me, even for a second, I can't let myself pretend I was ever anything more than a way to pass the time.
No love lost.
I'm pawning those memories for a shot at self respect.
Keep my name on your tongue, because someday I want you to choke on it.