Some odd URGE TO KILL RISING
I've been mostly okay since... wait, strike that. I've been a mess since the last blog. I made a playlist of songs to kill myself to. I am writing a poem comprised mainly of linked lyrics from those songs. I know, logically, that it's okay, that I'll get a job which leads to having a car and self worth and going places and relationships and all that, but not having a job is really screwing me up.
I volunteered at the LepreCon 36 fan table for the AZBCs for most of the weekend, saw a couple panels GRRM was on, had him sign a few books and stuff. Mostly hung out with great friends, went out for a nice dinner and got taken out for Iron Man 2 (about which I pretty much agree with Unwoman on) and then the next day hung out more and went out for a night of Arizona Roller "Derby Dames " and some more nice dinner and stuff. I'm still collecting my unemployment while almost getting interviews (getting called to ask if I am interested in a job, saying they can get me an interview, then finding out that the company went with another applicant before I even get an appointment for an interview).
Logically, I know I have nothing to really complain about, I have a roof over my head, I have enough to eat, I'm healthy, I have friends and such. As long as you count self-love, then I guess I've got the bottom rung of Maslow's Hierarchy taken care of... for the most part. The problem I have with the bottom rung right now is getting enough sleep. Depression and despair eat away at me, not allowing me rest because I keep looking back on how I got to where I am, wishing things could have been different, etc, and then realizing how much better off I am now. THAT is the killer part. THAT is the part that depresses me more. Not that I no longer have a partner, but that I never realized my partner was a stone cold harpy bitch until the last year. Actually, I'm wrong, even worse than THAT is that I still love her and want her to be happy. Well, love is a strong word. I want her to be happy and successful, but it's extremely difficult to wish that on someone when you are not in that situation yourself and they already are.
She's got a job, an intimate partner, musical talents and bands wanting her to perform with them, family, friends and so on. She has the entire hierarchy of needs fulfilled. The more time that goes on and the happier she is and the sadder I am (and depression is just inwardly directed anger, folks, at least in my case. I've been suffering from chronic depression and suicidal tendencies since I could spell them, and lemme tell you, that was an early age.) the more I realize little things I had overlooked that signified the lack of love that I had been missing. I get to see people that love each other every day, and by observing them, I realize what exactly two people that love each other do for each other. I am actually close to believing that one day I will know exactly what I am looking for, and more importantly, know that I have it when I do (or that I don't when I don't). I'm not feeling so much that I'll never trust anyone again. That's not fair to most of the human race. I feel like I can almost give someone a fair chance now, at loving me if I had my life more in order. Once I have a job, get out of debt, get some savings and a vehicle.
I gotta say though, it's almost to the point where I am gonna have to take her off my social networks anymore, because She has changed so much and likes or is interested in things now that I liked before but that she hated and didn't even tolerate. It's hard to search through my emails anymore because I'll be reminded of horrible events that I've blocked out of my memory (the car insurance responsibility thing most recently, and then the "expecting me to pay bills for a house i no longer lived in" thing last year, the whole house fiasco in general) and just so much stuff.
This is exactly why I want to move to Ostersund or Stockholm. I want a new name, a new job, a new life, new clothes, new everything. I would probably move out of Arizona with a one way ticket and no suitcase. Suspicious as hell, sure but I'd say to the security officers that I had just had everything shipped to my new place. :)
I volunteered at the LepreCon 36 fan table for the AZBCs for most of the weekend, saw a couple panels GRRM was on, had him sign a few books and stuff. Mostly hung out with great friends, went out for a nice dinner and got taken out for Iron Man 2 (about which I pretty much agree with Unwoman on) and then the next day hung out more and went out for a night of Arizona Roller "Derby Dames " and some more nice dinner and stuff. I'm still collecting my unemployment while almost getting interviews (getting called to ask if I am interested in a job, saying they can get me an interview, then finding out that the company went with another applicant before I even get an appointment for an interview).
Logically, I know I have nothing to really complain about, I have a roof over my head, I have enough to eat, I'm healthy, I have friends and such. As long as you count self-love, then I guess I've got the bottom rung of Maslow's Hierarchy taken care of... for the most part. The problem I have with the bottom rung right now is getting enough sleep. Depression and despair eat away at me, not allowing me rest because I keep looking back on how I got to where I am, wishing things could have been different, etc, and then realizing how much better off I am now. THAT is the killer part. THAT is the part that depresses me more. Not that I no longer have a partner, but that I never realized my partner was a stone cold harpy bitch until the last year. Actually, I'm wrong, even worse than THAT is that I still love her and want her to be happy. Well, love is a strong word. I want her to be happy and successful, but it's extremely difficult to wish that on someone when you are not in that situation yourself and they already are.
She's got a job, an intimate partner, musical talents and bands wanting her to perform with them, family, friends and so on. She has the entire hierarchy of needs fulfilled. The more time that goes on and the happier she is and the sadder I am (and depression is just inwardly directed anger, folks, at least in my case. I've been suffering from chronic depression and suicidal tendencies since I could spell them, and lemme tell you, that was an early age.) the more I realize little things I had overlooked that signified the lack of love that I had been missing. I get to see people that love each other every day, and by observing them, I realize what exactly two people that love each other do for each other. I am actually close to believing that one day I will know exactly what I am looking for, and more importantly, know that I have it when I do (or that I don't when I don't). I'm not feeling so much that I'll never trust anyone again. That's not fair to most of the human race. I feel like I can almost give someone a fair chance now, at loving me if I had my life more in order. Once I have a job, get out of debt, get some savings and a vehicle.
I gotta say though, it's almost to the point where I am gonna have to take her off my social networks anymore, because She has changed so much and likes or is interested in things now that I liked before but that she hated and didn't even tolerate. It's hard to search through my emails anymore because I'll be reminded of horrible events that I've blocked out of my memory (the car insurance responsibility thing most recently, and then the "expecting me to pay bills for a house i no longer lived in" thing last year, the whole house fiasco in general) and just so much stuff.
This is exactly why I want to move to Ostersund or Stockholm. I want a new name, a new job, a new life, new clothes, new everything. I would probably move out of Arizona with a one way ticket and no suitcase. Suspicious as hell, sure but I'd say to the security officers that I had just had everything shipped to my new place. :)