Customer service tips
When I was working at Tower a few years ago, they gave us these "Rules for Customer Service". I thought a few "revisions" were in order.
Rules for Customer Service
* Always be polite and helpful. Acknowledge customers as they enter the store or soon thereafter. Stare at them creepily and make lewd comments. Assign nicknames (i.e. "Old Fart", "Butt Crack Lady") to each of them to help you remember them.
* Answer the phone by the fourth ring with "Tower Records. (Your name) speaking, how may I help you?" Never put a customer on hold before asking if you may. If you are unable to help a customer on hold, ask another employee to do so. If a customer on the phone wishes an in-stock item to be held, make sure you physically have the item in your hands before hanging up. Always put their name and date on the product. Add their blood type and medical insurance in case they break the jewel case and cut themselves on it. Try to avoid coating the CD with anthrax, if you can. If the product they desire is out of stock, offer to place a special order. Do not guarantee a specific date. Generally product will arrive in 2 to 8 weeks, but there is no guarantee. In the event their product is unavailable, substitute another item, such as John Tesh or Afroman. If the customer complains, tell them they are lucky to have received anything.
* Personal calls are discouraged unless it's an emergency. If you get a personal call, tell them you will call them back on your break. Do not make personal calls except on your break. Saying "And shop Tower Records" at the end of a booty call to your girlfriend does not constitute a business call unless you plan on doing it with her in the middle of the jazz section. Cell phones are prohibited to be in your possession while you are on the clock, unless you're that annoying 18-year-old kid who works here who somehow never gets in trouble for anything he does.
* Never use profanity on the sales floor at any time, except when quoting lyrics from rap songs. Any personal conversations and comments about customers should not be discussed on the sales floor. Jump up and down and try to squeeze your comments in during the time you're in the air, off the sales floor.
* When a customer asks you where to find an item, never point toward the location. Take the customer to the section and put the product in their hand. If the customer does not want to follow you, offer to amputate their hand and carry it with you.
* Do not answer a question with "I don't know" unless you follow up with "let me find out for you". Find a supervisor or someone who might know, look it up, or call another Tower store. Make up a fake answer if you have to, then give a fake name when they ask for your name. If they show up later asking for that person, tell them they got fired for being drunk all the time.
* When a customer approaches you, stop all conversation, make eye contact, and greet the customer. If you are at a register with no one in line, call a waiting customer over to your register. Ask the customer if they would like a gift receipt. Count their money back to them and place it in their hand. Thank them for their business and hand them their merchandise in a bag. Walk them to their car. Drive home with them. Take their dog for a walk. Nurse their children. Scrub out their toilet. Give their grandmother a sponge bath.
* Remember, your body language says a lot. Do not lean or sit on counters. Always give the impression you are happy to see and help the customer, even though you're not. If the customer is especially stupid, the use of sarcasm is permitted, as the customer will not be able to understand it.
* No reading, eating, or drinking on the sales floor. Drugs are fine.
* Remember, without the customer, there would be no Tower. Treat the customer as your boss. Ask them for more money. Break into their office and use their computer to surf for porn.
Rules for Customer Service
* Always be polite and helpful. Acknowledge customers as they enter the store or soon thereafter. Stare at them creepily and make lewd comments. Assign nicknames (i.e. "Old Fart", "Butt Crack Lady") to each of them to help you remember them.
* Answer the phone by the fourth ring with "Tower Records. (Your name) speaking, how may I help you?" Never put a customer on hold before asking if you may. If you are unable to help a customer on hold, ask another employee to do so. If a customer on the phone wishes an in-stock item to be held, make sure you physically have the item in your hands before hanging up. Always put their name and date on the product. Add their blood type and medical insurance in case they break the jewel case and cut themselves on it. Try to avoid coating the CD with anthrax, if you can. If the product they desire is out of stock, offer to place a special order. Do not guarantee a specific date. Generally product will arrive in 2 to 8 weeks, but there is no guarantee. In the event their product is unavailable, substitute another item, such as John Tesh or Afroman. If the customer complains, tell them they are lucky to have received anything.
* Personal calls are discouraged unless it's an emergency. If you get a personal call, tell them you will call them back on your break. Do not make personal calls except on your break. Saying "And shop Tower Records" at the end of a booty call to your girlfriend does not constitute a business call unless you plan on doing it with her in the middle of the jazz section. Cell phones are prohibited to be in your possession while you are on the clock, unless you're that annoying 18-year-old kid who works here who somehow never gets in trouble for anything he does.
* Never use profanity on the sales floor at any time, except when quoting lyrics from rap songs. Any personal conversations and comments about customers should not be discussed on the sales floor. Jump up and down and try to squeeze your comments in during the time you're in the air, off the sales floor.
* When a customer asks you where to find an item, never point toward the location. Take the customer to the section and put the product in their hand. If the customer does not want to follow you, offer to amputate their hand and carry it with you.
* Do not answer a question with "I don't know" unless you follow up with "let me find out for you". Find a supervisor or someone who might know, look it up, or call another Tower store. Make up a fake answer if you have to, then give a fake name when they ask for your name. If they show up later asking for that person, tell them they got fired for being drunk all the time.
* When a customer approaches you, stop all conversation, make eye contact, and greet the customer. If you are at a register with no one in line, call a waiting customer over to your register. Ask the customer if they would like a gift receipt. Count their money back to them and place it in their hand. Thank them for their business and hand them their merchandise in a bag. Walk them to their car. Drive home with them. Take their dog for a walk. Nurse their children. Scrub out their toilet. Give their grandmother a sponge bath.
* Remember, your body language says a lot. Do not lean or sit on counters. Always give the impression you are happy to see and help the customer, even though you're not. If the customer is especially stupid, the use of sarcasm is permitted, as the customer will not be able to understand it.
* No reading, eating, or drinking on the sales floor. Drugs are fine.
* Remember, without the customer, there would be no Tower. Treat the customer as your boss. Ask them for more money. Break into their office and use their computer to surf for porn.