Some political satire (yeah, right)
This is the second sketch I ever wrote (I'm still looking for the first). A word of explanation: some of the references might seem dated- I wrote it cerca 1994. Originally, the scene with the real President featured Bill Clinton, but a few years later, after Bush was elected, I rewrote that part for him. So now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
And for the record, I'm not sick (except in the head); I just like the icon.
President Bob
Bob's house. His wife Laura is talking on the phone.
Laura: Yeah, that's right, Madge. Bob's boss Mr. Dagmar called. He said some kind of important business has come up involving Bob. Well, I hope nothing's happened. I mean, I'd hate to think that Bob was in some kind of trouble. (hears car pull up in the driveway) Oh, there he is now. I'll call you later, Madge, okay? Bye. (hangs up phone as Bob walks in the door) Well, Bob, how did things go at the office today?
Bob: Laura, I've got something important to tell you.
Laura: What is it, Bob? What happened at the office today?
Bob: Well, uh, I, uh, er, uh, kind of, uh, got elected President.
Laura: You WHAT?
Bob: I got elected President!
Laura: Well, that's great, Bob! When is Dagmar leaving? It's so nice of him to leave you in charge! I guess it pays to leave a good impression. I wish I'd done that when I almost got that job that one time...
Bob: No, no, you don't understand. Not president of the company- PRESIDENT!
Laura: President? Oh, you don't mean...
Bob: I'm afraid I do.
Laura: Oh, no. Oh, no, Bob, how did this happen?
Bob: Well, you remember the other day when I went to vote? Well, I didn't like any of the candidates, so I wrote in my own name. As it turned out, all the voting machines malfunctioned, and my vote was the only one that got through. So I was declared President!
Laura: Wow, I can't believe it, Bob. You're President now! Well, then... I guess you'll need a Cabinet now!
Bob: I suppose I will.
Laura: I want to be Secretary of State!
Bob: What? No, no, you'll be the First Lady.
Laura: First Lady? Oh, come on, Bob! The First Lady is so archaic! Now, Secretary of State- that's a position of power!
Bob: Okay, you can be Secretary of State.
Laura: Yay! Hey, Jeffrey, come in here!
Jeffrey: (entering) What is it, Mom?
Laura: Your daddy got elected President today! Isn't that wonderful?
Jeffrey: Wow! So you're the President now!
Bob: That's right, son, I am.
Jeffrey: I want to be the Secretary of the Treasury and get a bigger allowance!
Bob: Oh, boy.
Jeffrey: No, wait, Secretary of Defense. No, no- Vice-President! Yeah! I want to be Vice-President!
Bob: Okay, this is going a bit far.
Jeffrey: Oh, come on, Dad, please?
Laura: Go on, Bob. You've got to give him the Vice-Presidency! You owe it to him after he didn't make the baseball team!
Bob: (sighs) Okay, Jeffrey, you're the Vice-President now. (Jeffrey begins jumping excitedly and cheering, and dances out of the room.)
Jeffrey: (offstage) Yay! I'm the Vice-President now!
Laura: Now, Jeffrey, don't cause a ruckus. Just calm down and go play with your Barney doll!
Jeffrey: (offstage) All right.
Bob: You realize he's not even old enough for the job.
Laura: Well, I guess times are changing, Bob.
Bob: (frustrated) What have I gotten myself into? (gets up and goes to the door and calls outside) What about you, Tralfaz? What do you want to be? Head of the FBI? (The dog barks excitedly.) Guess that answers that question. Sheesh, what next?
The phone rings. Laura answers it.
Laura: It's for you, Bob. (He takes the phone from her.) I guess now that you're President, we should get a red one of those. Is that right, Bob?
Bob: No, that's only if you want to call Batman. (into phone) Yes, what is it?
Madge: Bob? This is Madge from next door. Jerry wants to know if you still want to go through with that arms deal.
Laura: (anxious) Stop! Wait a minute! Did I just hear that right? (grabs phone) Madge? Do you mean to tell me that you and Jerry are back together?
Bob: (grabbing phone back) Never mind her, she's just having job stress right now. Did you say something about an arms deal?
Madge: That's right. The deal to sell arms to the Iraqis you were negotiating. Jerry wants to know if you still want to go through with it.
Bob: (to himself) Why me? Why me? (into phone) Uh, no, tell him to call it off.
Madge: Call it off? Are you sure?
Bob: Hey, don't question an order from your President! Now call that thing off! Over and out! Bye! (hangs up) You know, I'm starting to wish this whole thing had never happened. Being President is not all it's cracked up to be!
Laura: Oh, Bob, I'm wondering about something.
Bob: What's that?
Laura: Since you're the President now, does that mean you'll be getting into any sex scandals?
Bob: What are you talking about?
Laura: Well, I hear Presidents like to do that kind of thing! I was wondering if you were going to do it too.
Bob: (thinks) Well, tell you what. I'll check out all my interns and the rest of my employees, and if any of them are good-looking enough, I'll go have some wild, kinky extramarital sex just for you, okay?
Laura: Okay, Bob, I just wanted to know. (The phone rings again. Bob picks it up.)
Bob: Hello? (We hear "Love Shack" playing in the background accompanied by the sounds of several women giggling.) Hello, who is this?
Ted: Bob McDermott? This is Ted Kennedy. I'm at the Capitol Building right now. Where the hell are you?
Bob: I'm at home right now.
Ted: Well, Congress is having a meeting right now. You'd better get your butt down here right away! We're about to vote on a very important bill and I need you to help me, uh, get it passed.
Bob: Uh, sure, whatever. Look, I'll be there when I can.
Ted: Just see that you do.
Bob: Sure thing. Bye. (hangs up phone) This is just getting worse and worse! (phone rings again) Now what? (picks it up) Hello?
Voice: President McDermott?
Bob: Huh? Oh, that's me, right. What is it?
Voice: This is J. Edgar Vacuum. I'm with the FBI. I thought I should fill you in on the latest developments in our investigation.
Bob: Investigation?
Vacuum: Yes, our chief's been hot at work tailing a dangeous criminal rumored to be in the neighborhood of Citrusville, Tennessee. How fast can you get to Citrusville, Bob?
Bob: Actually, I'm in Citrusville right now.
Vacuum: Ah, I knew you'd be right on top of things! Okay, look, Mr. President, I'd advise you to set up a temporary residence there. That way, you, me, and the chief can be right on the spot and work together to catch this crook! Can you do that?
Bob: I already live here.
Vacuum: Perfect! I'll be right over! (He zips through the door and shakes Bob's hand.) Mr. President.
Bob: Please, Bob. What's this about a dangerous criminal?
Vacuum: A slippery bird. Wanted for destroying flowers, sneaking in and out of windows, and the heinous murder of several neighborhood birds. Known simply as "The Princess".
Bob: Princess? That's our neighbor's cat!
Vacuum: I see. So you think it's an inside job, then?
Bob: No, let me explain it to you. Princess is a cat who belongs to our neighbors. Our dog Tralfaz likes to tease her a bit-
Vacuum: Wait a minute. You said Tralfaz. I see you know the chief, then.
Bob: Yeah, he's my dog.
Vacuum: Ah. Very wise of you, Bob. Never give a high government position to someone you don't know well. (Laura enters.)
Laura: Well, Bob, I'm glad you're taking a break from your busy President's job to have some friends over!
Vacuum: Who is this woman, Bob? Is she the person you're having a sex scandal with at the moment?
Bob: Well, I-
Vacuum: Cause if she is, that's fine, you know. I just need to know her name so I can make sure they spell it right for her book deal.
Bob: Actually, this is my wife, Laura.
Vacuum: Wow, your wife! Nice job, Bob, I must say! She's quite hot! (Laura is flattered.)
Bob: Um... thanks.
Vacuum: (to Laura) Please allow me to introduce myself, dear lady. (flips badge) Vacuum, FBI.
Bob: I'd like to.
Vacuum: (to Bob) Although that still doesn't mean you can't have a sex scandal, you know. Jack Kennedy had a pretty hot wife and he still fooled around.
Bob: I know, with Marilyn Monroe.
Vacuum: So if you're going to fool around, I recommend you follow his example and go with a beautiful, glamorous actress. Do you have anyone in mind, Bob? I think Jennifer Aniston's available.
Bob: No, but thanks anyway.
Vacuum: Very good. Anyway, I have to be off now and get back on that case! (He dashes out, but quickly pops back in.) Oh, and Bob? I'll be sure to keep you notified of any new developments! Over and out! (He dashes out again. The phone rings.)
Bob: Again with the phone! (picks it up) Yes?
Perot: Bob McDermott? This is Ross Perot. How you doing there?
Bob: I'm doing fine, Mr. Perot. What's the problem?
Perot: I want to know where you stand on this deficit thing.
Bob: The deficit?
Laura: Tell him you're against it, Bob! Everyone hates deficits.
Bob: Um... I'm against it.
Perot: Now see there, that's what I'm talking about. let me show you these charts to prove that the deficit is actually a good thing.
Bob: How are you going to do that over the phone?
Perot: Good point. Maybe you'd better come down here.
Bob: Down where?
Perot: I'm at Ted's place. You know, Ted Kennedy? He's having a naked pool party right now- what's that, Ted? Oh, sorry, I mean, a meeting of Congress. He wants you and that hot-looking wife of yours- what's that, Ted? Oh, excuse me. He wants you and the Secretary of State to come down here right away.
Bob: I'll be there when I can.
Perot: Okay! You take care now! Bye! (starts singing "Love Shack" as Bob hangs up)
Bob: What have I gotten myself into? (phone rings again) Geez, what now? (picks up)
Bush: Bob? This is George W. Bush.
Bob: (surprised) George W. Bush? Oh my God! What is it, Mr. President?
Bush: Mr. President? Son, that's what you are.
Bob: Oh, right, I forgot. What is it, Mr. Bush?
Bush: I just want you to know, Bob, that I know what you're going through. I also got elected into the Presidency without understanding what was going on. I just wanted to let you know, Bob, that if you ever need any advice on being President, all you have to do... is just ask your dad! After all, he was President too!
Bob: My dad was never President. Yours was.
Bush: Oh. Then I guess I'm no help at all. See you later! (hangs up)
Bob: (hangs up) I don't believe any of this! How can this be happening?
Laura: Well, why you just sit down and take a break, Bob? Listen to the radio or something.
Bob: Yeah, I think I'll do that. (He goes over to the radio and turns it on. A song is just ending.)
DJ: And that was the latest hit from those veterans of roots rock, The Appreciative Nonliving! Now for a quick news bulletin. The White House has just been subjected to a terrorist bombing, believed to be at the hand of Iraqis upset over an alleged arms deal. President Bob McDermott was not in the vicinity, as he was taking a vacation to his home neighborhood of Citrusville, Tennessee. McDermott had allegedly backed out of an arms deal the Iraqis, who responded by bombing the White House. And now, here's the latest from that hot new boy band, Out of Sync. (The song starts playing. Bob shuts the radio off.)
Bob: What the hell happened to the world to make things like this? Is fate playing some kind of cruel joke on me?
Laura: Oh, calm down, Bob? Why don't you just go pass some gun control legislation or something? It might make you feel better.
Bob: Laura, you're not helping. (Vacuum dashes in the door.)
Vaccum: Bob, I'm afraid an emergency has come up and I've got to get back to Washington immediately!
Bob: What is it?
Vacuum: Senator Kennedy's pool party is getting out of control! Um, I mean, meeting of Congress! If I don't get there right this minute, there won't be any drinks left! Um, I mean, any budget surplus amendments left! Bye! (dashes out)
Bob: Okay, now things are really starting to get silly. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Laura: Hey, Bob? You want to go upstairs and the two of us have a sex scandal?
Bob: No, I think I'm just going to watch TV. Maybe there's something interesting on. (He turns on the TV. Larry King is on the screen.)
King: Hello, this is Larry King reporting live for CNN. This just in- my friend Bob Dole died of a heart attack today. He was 112. Oh, wait, that's the wrong story! (gets another paper) This is Larry King! We're to Senator Kennedy now... he reports that impeachment proceedings have begun against President Bob McDermott. He reports that, quote, "That no-good SOB held out on me! He refused to come to my party- I mean, Senate meeting, and bring his sexy wife, I mean, the Secretary of State. That is an inexcusable crime, and as such, he must be removed from office at once." If McDermott is, in fact, removed from office, as Vice-President, his son Jeffrey will take over the job. In other news, I recently married my 22nd wife, a young lady by the name of Mary Kate Olsen. I'm cheating on her with her sister Ashley. Not intentionally cheating, of course, I just can't tell them apart. (Bob turns the set off.)
Bob: I can't believe this whole mess! This whole thing just sounds like the plot of some stupid comedy sketch!
Laura: Now, now, Bob, it'll be all right. (phone rings)
Bob: Should I even bother?
Laura: You have to answer the phone, Bob! It's just part of life!
Bob: Oh, all right. (picks it up) Hello?
Dagmar: Yeah, Bob? This is your boss, Mr. Dagmar! I have some important news for you.
Bob: Yes?
Dagmar: Well, the votes just came in. You've just been impeached! You're not President anymore!
Bob: (eagerly) I'm not?
Dagmar: No. Good God, your son iss!
Bob: Okay, sir. I understand.
Dagmar: I'm glad you understand, Bob. I'll see you at work tomorrow, then. I want you to have those reports on my desk by 9:00 tomorrow morning, got it?
Bob: Anything you say. (hangs up) YYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Laura: Bob, what is it?
Bob: It's all over! I'm not President anymore!
Laura: You're not?
Bob: No! Jeffrey is President now!
Laura: Oh. Well, as long as he gets his homework done.
Bob: He can do what he wants. The important thing is I'm not President anymore!
The phone rings again. Bob picks it up.
Bob: Hello?
Dagmar: Bob? This is Dagmar again. I've just gotten word from the Prime Minister of Iraq. He says the king- well, he died. He also told me it was discovered that the man also happened to be your great-uncle, so-
Bob: Oh, dear God, no...
Dagmar: That's right, Bob! You're now the king of Iraq! Congratulations!
Bob: No! You can't do this to me!
Dagmar: Yes, I can, Bob. Oh, and I want those reports on my desk by 9:00 tomorrow morning. I'll talk to you later. Bye! (He hangs up. Bob follows suit.)
Bob: (despairing) No, no, please God, no...
Laura: What is it now, Bob?
Bob: I'm the king of Iraq now!
Laura: Oh. Well, if you're the king of Iraq, then can I be the Prime Minister?
THE END
DT casting:
Bob: Hero
Laura: Clara
Jeffrey: The blond boy Wooldoor kidnapped
Madge: Foxxy
Kennedy: Spanky
Vacuum: Wooldoor
Perot: Toot
Bush: Xandir
DJ: Steve from Long Island
Larry King: The Jew Producer
Dagmar: Ling-Ling
And for the record, I'm not sick (except in the head); I just like the icon.
President Bob
Bob's house. His wife Laura is talking on the phone.
Laura: Yeah, that's right, Madge. Bob's boss Mr. Dagmar called. He said some kind of important business has come up involving Bob. Well, I hope nothing's happened. I mean, I'd hate to think that Bob was in some kind of trouble. (hears car pull up in the driveway) Oh, there he is now. I'll call you later, Madge, okay? Bye. (hangs up phone as Bob walks in the door) Well, Bob, how did things go at the office today?
Bob: Laura, I've got something important to tell you.
Laura: What is it, Bob? What happened at the office today?
Bob: Well, uh, I, uh, er, uh, kind of, uh, got elected President.
Laura: You WHAT?
Bob: I got elected President!
Laura: Well, that's great, Bob! When is Dagmar leaving? It's so nice of him to leave you in charge! I guess it pays to leave a good impression. I wish I'd done that when I almost got that job that one time...
Bob: No, no, you don't understand. Not president of the company- PRESIDENT!
Laura: President? Oh, you don't mean...
Bob: I'm afraid I do.
Laura: Oh, no. Oh, no, Bob, how did this happen?
Bob: Well, you remember the other day when I went to vote? Well, I didn't like any of the candidates, so I wrote in my own name. As it turned out, all the voting machines malfunctioned, and my vote was the only one that got through. So I was declared President!
Laura: Wow, I can't believe it, Bob. You're President now! Well, then... I guess you'll need a Cabinet now!
Bob: I suppose I will.
Laura: I want to be Secretary of State!
Bob: What? No, no, you'll be the First Lady.
Laura: First Lady? Oh, come on, Bob! The First Lady is so archaic! Now, Secretary of State- that's a position of power!
Bob: Okay, you can be Secretary of State.
Laura: Yay! Hey, Jeffrey, come in here!
Jeffrey: (entering) What is it, Mom?
Laura: Your daddy got elected President today! Isn't that wonderful?
Jeffrey: Wow! So you're the President now!
Bob: That's right, son, I am.
Jeffrey: I want to be the Secretary of the Treasury and get a bigger allowance!
Bob: Oh, boy.
Jeffrey: No, wait, Secretary of Defense. No, no- Vice-President! Yeah! I want to be Vice-President!
Bob: Okay, this is going a bit far.
Jeffrey: Oh, come on, Dad, please?
Laura: Go on, Bob. You've got to give him the Vice-Presidency! You owe it to him after he didn't make the baseball team!
Bob: (sighs) Okay, Jeffrey, you're the Vice-President now. (Jeffrey begins jumping excitedly and cheering, and dances out of the room.)
Jeffrey: (offstage) Yay! I'm the Vice-President now!
Laura: Now, Jeffrey, don't cause a ruckus. Just calm down and go play with your Barney doll!
Jeffrey: (offstage) All right.
Bob: You realize he's not even old enough for the job.
Laura: Well, I guess times are changing, Bob.
Bob: (frustrated) What have I gotten myself into? (gets up and goes to the door and calls outside) What about you, Tralfaz? What do you want to be? Head of the FBI? (The dog barks excitedly.) Guess that answers that question. Sheesh, what next?
The phone rings. Laura answers it.
Laura: It's for you, Bob. (He takes the phone from her.) I guess now that you're President, we should get a red one of those. Is that right, Bob?
Bob: No, that's only if you want to call Batman. (into phone) Yes, what is it?
Madge: Bob? This is Madge from next door. Jerry wants to know if you still want to go through with that arms deal.
Laura: (anxious) Stop! Wait a minute! Did I just hear that right? (grabs phone) Madge? Do you mean to tell me that you and Jerry are back together?
Bob: (grabbing phone back) Never mind her, she's just having job stress right now. Did you say something about an arms deal?
Madge: That's right. The deal to sell arms to the Iraqis you were negotiating. Jerry wants to know if you still want to go through with it.
Bob: (to himself) Why me? Why me? (into phone) Uh, no, tell him to call it off.
Madge: Call it off? Are you sure?
Bob: Hey, don't question an order from your President! Now call that thing off! Over and out! Bye! (hangs up) You know, I'm starting to wish this whole thing had never happened. Being President is not all it's cracked up to be!
Laura: Oh, Bob, I'm wondering about something.
Bob: What's that?
Laura: Since you're the President now, does that mean you'll be getting into any sex scandals?
Bob: What are you talking about?
Laura: Well, I hear Presidents like to do that kind of thing! I was wondering if you were going to do it too.
Bob: (thinks) Well, tell you what. I'll check out all my interns and the rest of my employees, and if any of them are good-looking enough, I'll go have some wild, kinky extramarital sex just for you, okay?
Laura: Okay, Bob, I just wanted to know. (The phone rings again. Bob picks it up.)
Bob: Hello? (We hear "Love Shack" playing in the background accompanied by the sounds of several women giggling.) Hello, who is this?
Ted: Bob McDermott? This is Ted Kennedy. I'm at the Capitol Building right now. Where the hell are you?
Bob: I'm at home right now.
Ted: Well, Congress is having a meeting right now. You'd better get your butt down here right away! We're about to vote on a very important bill and I need you to help me, uh, get it passed.
Bob: Uh, sure, whatever. Look, I'll be there when I can.
Ted: Just see that you do.
Bob: Sure thing. Bye. (hangs up phone) This is just getting worse and worse! (phone rings again) Now what? (picks it up) Hello?
Voice: President McDermott?
Bob: Huh? Oh, that's me, right. What is it?
Voice: This is J. Edgar Vacuum. I'm with the FBI. I thought I should fill you in on the latest developments in our investigation.
Bob: Investigation?
Vacuum: Yes, our chief's been hot at work tailing a dangeous criminal rumored to be in the neighborhood of Citrusville, Tennessee. How fast can you get to Citrusville, Bob?
Bob: Actually, I'm in Citrusville right now.
Vacuum: Ah, I knew you'd be right on top of things! Okay, look, Mr. President, I'd advise you to set up a temporary residence there. That way, you, me, and the chief can be right on the spot and work together to catch this crook! Can you do that?
Bob: I already live here.
Vacuum: Perfect! I'll be right over! (He zips through the door and shakes Bob's hand.) Mr. President.
Bob: Please, Bob. What's this about a dangerous criminal?
Vacuum: A slippery bird. Wanted for destroying flowers, sneaking in and out of windows, and the heinous murder of several neighborhood birds. Known simply as "The Princess".
Bob: Princess? That's our neighbor's cat!
Vacuum: I see. So you think it's an inside job, then?
Bob: No, let me explain it to you. Princess is a cat who belongs to our neighbors. Our dog Tralfaz likes to tease her a bit-
Vacuum: Wait a minute. You said Tralfaz. I see you know the chief, then.
Bob: Yeah, he's my dog.
Vacuum: Ah. Very wise of you, Bob. Never give a high government position to someone you don't know well. (Laura enters.)
Laura: Well, Bob, I'm glad you're taking a break from your busy President's job to have some friends over!
Vacuum: Who is this woman, Bob? Is she the person you're having a sex scandal with at the moment?
Bob: Well, I-
Vacuum: Cause if she is, that's fine, you know. I just need to know her name so I can make sure they spell it right for her book deal.
Bob: Actually, this is my wife, Laura.
Vacuum: Wow, your wife! Nice job, Bob, I must say! She's quite hot! (Laura is flattered.)
Bob: Um... thanks.
Vacuum: (to Laura) Please allow me to introduce myself, dear lady. (flips badge) Vacuum, FBI.
Bob: I'd like to.
Vacuum: (to Bob) Although that still doesn't mean you can't have a sex scandal, you know. Jack Kennedy had a pretty hot wife and he still fooled around.
Bob: I know, with Marilyn Monroe.
Vacuum: So if you're going to fool around, I recommend you follow his example and go with a beautiful, glamorous actress. Do you have anyone in mind, Bob? I think Jennifer Aniston's available.
Bob: No, but thanks anyway.
Vacuum: Very good. Anyway, I have to be off now and get back on that case! (He dashes out, but quickly pops back in.) Oh, and Bob? I'll be sure to keep you notified of any new developments! Over and out! (He dashes out again. The phone rings.)
Bob: Again with the phone! (picks it up) Yes?
Perot: Bob McDermott? This is Ross Perot. How you doing there?
Bob: I'm doing fine, Mr. Perot. What's the problem?
Perot: I want to know where you stand on this deficit thing.
Bob: The deficit?
Laura: Tell him you're against it, Bob! Everyone hates deficits.
Bob: Um... I'm against it.
Perot: Now see there, that's what I'm talking about. let me show you these charts to prove that the deficit is actually a good thing.
Bob: How are you going to do that over the phone?
Perot: Good point. Maybe you'd better come down here.
Bob: Down where?
Perot: I'm at Ted's place. You know, Ted Kennedy? He's having a naked pool party right now- what's that, Ted? Oh, sorry, I mean, a meeting of Congress. He wants you and that hot-looking wife of yours- what's that, Ted? Oh, excuse me. He wants you and the Secretary of State to come down here right away.
Bob: I'll be there when I can.
Perot: Okay! You take care now! Bye! (starts singing "Love Shack" as Bob hangs up)
Bob: What have I gotten myself into? (phone rings again) Geez, what now? (picks up)
Bush: Bob? This is George W. Bush.
Bob: (surprised) George W. Bush? Oh my God! What is it, Mr. President?
Bush: Mr. President? Son, that's what you are.
Bob: Oh, right, I forgot. What is it, Mr. Bush?
Bush: I just want you to know, Bob, that I know what you're going through. I also got elected into the Presidency without understanding what was going on. I just wanted to let you know, Bob, that if you ever need any advice on being President, all you have to do... is just ask your dad! After all, he was President too!
Bob: My dad was never President. Yours was.
Bush: Oh. Then I guess I'm no help at all. See you later! (hangs up)
Bob: (hangs up) I don't believe any of this! How can this be happening?
Laura: Well, why you just sit down and take a break, Bob? Listen to the radio or something.
Bob: Yeah, I think I'll do that. (He goes over to the radio and turns it on. A song is just ending.)
DJ: And that was the latest hit from those veterans of roots rock, The Appreciative Nonliving! Now for a quick news bulletin. The White House has just been subjected to a terrorist bombing, believed to be at the hand of Iraqis upset over an alleged arms deal. President Bob McDermott was not in the vicinity, as he was taking a vacation to his home neighborhood of Citrusville, Tennessee. McDermott had allegedly backed out of an arms deal the Iraqis, who responded by bombing the White House. And now, here's the latest from that hot new boy band, Out of Sync. (The song starts playing. Bob shuts the radio off.)
Bob: What the hell happened to the world to make things like this? Is fate playing some kind of cruel joke on me?
Laura: Oh, calm down, Bob? Why don't you just go pass some gun control legislation or something? It might make you feel better.
Bob: Laura, you're not helping. (Vacuum dashes in the door.)
Vaccum: Bob, I'm afraid an emergency has come up and I've got to get back to Washington immediately!
Bob: What is it?
Vacuum: Senator Kennedy's pool party is getting out of control! Um, I mean, meeting of Congress! If I don't get there right this minute, there won't be any drinks left! Um, I mean, any budget surplus amendments left! Bye! (dashes out)
Bob: Okay, now things are really starting to get silly. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Laura: Hey, Bob? You want to go upstairs and the two of us have a sex scandal?
Bob: No, I think I'm just going to watch TV. Maybe there's something interesting on. (He turns on the TV. Larry King is on the screen.)
King: Hello, this is Larry King reporting live for CNN. This just in- my friend Bob Dole died of a heart attack today. He was 112. Oh, wait, that's the wrong story! (gets another paper) This is Larry King! We're to Senator Kennedy now... he reports that impeachment proceedings have begun against President Bob McDermott. He reports that, quote, "That no-good SOB held out on me! He refused to come to my party- I mean, Senate meeting, and bring his sexy wife, I mean, the Secretary of State. That is an inexcusable crime, and as such, he must be removed from office at once." If McDermott is, in fact, removed from office, as Vice-President, his son Jeffrey will take over the job. In other news, I recently married my 22nd wife, a young lady by the name of Mary Kate Olsen. I'm cheating on her with her sister Ashley. Not intentionally cheating, of course, I just can't tell them apart. (Bob turns the set off.)
Bob: I can't believe this whole mess! This whole thing just sounds like the plot of some stupid comedy sketch!
Laura: Now, now, Bob, it'll be all right. (phone rings)
Bob: Should I even bother?
Laura: You have to answer the phone, Bob! It's just part of life!
Bob: Oh, all right. (picks it up) Hello?
Dagmar: Yeah, Bob? This is your boss, Mr. Dagmar! I have some important news for you.
Bob: Yes?
Dagmar: Well, the votes just came in. You've just been impeached! You're not President anymore!
Bob: (eagerly) I'm not?
Dagmar: No. Good God, your son iss!
Bob: Okay, sir. I understand.
Dagmar: I'm glad you understand, Bob. I'll see you at work tomorrow, then. I want you to have those reports on my desk by 9:00 tomorrow morning, got it?
Bob: Anything you say. (hangs up) YYYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Laura: Bob, what is it?
Bob: It's all over! I'm not President anymore!
Laura: You're not?
Bob: No! Jeffrey is President now!
Laura: Oh. Well, as long as he gets his homework done.
Bob: He can do what he wants. The important thing is I'm not President anymore!
The phone rings again. Bob picks it up.
Bob: Hello?
Dagmar: Bob? This is Dagmar again. I've just gotten word from the Prime Minister of Iraq. He says the king- well, he died. He also told me it was discovered that the man also happened to be your great-uncle, so-
Bob: Oh, dear God, no...
Dagmar: That's right, Bob! You're now the king of Iraq! Congratulations!
Bob: No! You can't do this to me!
Dagmar: Yes, I can, Bob. Oh, and I want those reports on my desk by 9:00 tomorrow morning. I'll talk to you later. Bye! (He hangs up. Bob follows suit.)
Bob: (despairing) No, no, please God, no...
Laura: What is it now, Bob?
Bob: I'm the king of Iraq now!
Laura: Oh. Well, if you're the king of Iraq, then can I be the Prime Minister?
THE END
DT casting:
Bob: Hero
Laura: Clara
Jeffrey: The blond boy Wooldoor kidnapped
Madge: Foxxy
Kennedy: Spanky
Vacuum: Wooldoor
Perot: Toot
Bush: Xandir
DJ: Steve from Long Island
Larry King: The Jew Producer
Dagmar: Ling-Ling