Don't try this at home. Or do, whatever.
This one's old, but you guys haven't seen it, so it's new to you!
Drugstore
A man walks into a drugstore and approaches the pharmacist's counter.
Pharmacist: Hi, what can I do for you today?
Customer: I'd like some drugs, please. Let me see... I'd like half a pound of cocaine, a quarter pound of heroin... and 100 grams of PCP. (The pharmacist is completely baffled.)
Pharmacist: Um, sir? We don't have THOSE kinds of drugs here.
Customer: Those kinds of drugs? I don't understand what you mean. This is a drug store, isn't it?
Pharmacist: Yes, it is, but you see, we only sell prescription drugs here. Not stuff like cocaine and heroin.
Customer: Oh, I see. Well, I'll just go and then come back with a prescription, then.
Pharmacist: It wouldn't do any good, sir. We don't sell THOSE kinds of drugs here at all!
Customer: Not even with a prescription?
Pharmacist: Not even with a prescription.
Customer: It's not much of a drug store, is it? I can't believe you won't fulfill this simple little request. You can't even give me a little bit of cocaine?
Pharmacist: (getting frustrated) No, sir, we can't! Look, why don't you try some of these? (He points to a display near the counter.) Look- new Mint Skittles! The wonderful little food item that's both a candy and a breath freshener! I bet you'll like them better than any cocaine!
Customer: Don't give me that! I am absolutely stunned. Here you are, you claim to be the finest drug store in town, and you don't even carry the most popular items in your trade! You, sir, and your entire establishment are nothing but a sham, (the pharmacist is beginning to get very restless at this point) and I intend to see to it that everyone in here knows it! (He turns around and begins shouting to the other customers in the store.) Hey, everyone! I just want you to know that this jerk here-
Pharmacist: All right! Look, we may have some cocaine in the back! I'll have to get somebody to go check!
Customer: Well, thank you very much.
The pharmacist walks up to a coworker standing nearby. He whispers something to the coworker, who leaves promptly.
Pharmacist: He'll be right back with your drugs, sir.
Customer: That's more like it!
The coworker returns with a large plastic bag filled with white powder and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist turns and hands the bag to the man.
Pharmacist: Here you go, sir. Our deluxe cocaine jumbo pack! Only $1.99!
Customer: That's a very good deal, I must say! (He turns and begins to walk up to one of the nearby checkout counters. He becomes alarmed and stops suddenly.) Hey, wait a minute! This isn't cocaine! This is powdered sugar! You're trying to rip me off!
Pharmacist: No, no! It's cocaine! I swear it is! Look!
He grabs the bag and tears it open. He pours a little of the contents on the counter and sniffs them in the manner one sniffs cocaine. His eyes grow, and he begins to act disoriented.
Pharmacist: Woo! I'm so high right now! I'm high on cocaine! Oooh, I can see pretty colors! Oh, I see flying pixies and magic bears and... hey, there's Elvis! Hey, everyone, Elvis is here! Wooooooooooooooo!
Customer: You're not fooling anyone, you know.
Pharmacist: Yes, I am. Wooooooooooooooo!
Customer: Look, friend, I'll have you know that cocaine is a member of the narcotic family- not a hallucinogen! Cocaine doesn't distort the senses, it dulls them! You, being a supposedly knowledgeable pharmacist, should know that!
Pharmacist: I should, but what would I know? I'm high on cocaine! Wooooooooooooooo!
Customer: Oh, come off it! Now I've had just about enough of this! Not only are you giving me poor service, but you're trying to cheat me as well! You don't know who you're messing with, do you? (He pulls out a badge. The pharmacist stops acting high.) I'm an agent with the United States federal government, and if you don't give me some satisfaction, I'm going to have to report you to the head office!
Pharmacist: All right, all right, all right! You want drugs, I'll get you drugs! I've got a special supplier in Colombia. Hold on just a minute, and I'll have him deliver some cocaine at once! (The pharmacist picks up the phone and dials quickly.)
Caption on screen: Some time later...
Pharmacist: Ah, that'll be him, now.
The drug supplier enters in a frantic rush. He is wearing the uniform of a Colombian guerrilla fighter and is holding a gun. We hear the sounds of gunfire in the background. Out of breath, he hands the crate he is carrying to the pharmacist.
Supplier: (in very thick Latin accent) Here you go, man! Sorry it took so long, but the revolution was at a critical stage. We're just about to kill the filthy government pigs and I'm lucky I made it out alive! Oh! Here they come now!
He begins firing his gun frantically in all directions. Unfortunately, his efforts go for naught as he is promptly gunned down. A group of Colombian loyalists, dressed in military uniform, charge the counter. At the helm is their commander.
Commander: (in an even thicker Latin accent) I told you, Miguel, you'd never make it out of Colombia alive! Well, I guess I was wrong about that part, but you're still dead now, so who cares!
Customer: Um, excuse me! We happen to be doing a business transaction here! Could you take your little third world revolution someplace else, please
The commander gets a disapproving look on his face and calmly walks up to the man.
Commander: So... you do not approve of our little military squabble. I suppose you'd watch it if it were a monster truck rally on ESPN!
Customer: I won't let you talk to me like that, pal! I'll have you know that I work for the United States government!
Commander: Ah! One of the filthy capitalists himself! I think the time has come for us to destroy your puny little country and do away with your ineffectual capitalist government!
Customer: (in ultra-sarcastic voice) Oh, like Colombia is so much better! Oh, poverty and gunfire everywhere, that's the life for me! Well, look, pal! I'm going to get my "ineffectual capitalist government" down here and we're going to put the smackdown on yo' ass, bee-yatch!
Pharmacist: Oh, no! What have we started?
The customer and the commander begin shouting fiercely over top of each other's words. Finally, just as the argument reaches its most heated point, the commander notices the candy display and suddenly breaks off.
Commander: Ohh, new Mint Skittles! The wonderful little food item that's both a candy and a breath freshener! (turns to pharmacist) Have you got any spearmint?
Pharmacist: Sorry, we're fresh out of spearmint.
Commander: (becomes very angry) Out of spearmint? That's unacceptable!
He and the customer resume shouting at each other. The pharmacist turns resignedly to the camera.
Pharmacist: (goofily) Here we go again!
As the commander and the customer continue arguing, the scene fades to black. The words "THE END" appear on the screen. However, the screen begins scrolling a new message.
Caption: We would like to make it clear that we here at The Tony Hunter Show do not recommend or endorse drug use in any way. We would also like to remind you that drugs are also highly illegal. If the man in this sketch had been an actual government official instead of a comically exaggerated caricature, he would have arrested both the pharmacist and the drug supplier on the spot. But then, come to think of it, he was the one who made them bring the drugs up from Colombia in the first place... so I guess that would kind of make that entrapment... Um... on second, thought, never mind.
THE END
DT casting:
Customer: Clara
Pharmacist: Wooldoor
Drug supplier: Xandir
Colombian commander: Spanky
Drugstore
A man walks into a drugstore and approaches the pharmacist's counter.
Pharmacist: Hi, what can I do for you today?
Customer: I'd like some drugs, please. Let me see... I'd like half a pound of cocaine, a quarter pound of heroin... and 100 grams of PCP. (The pharmacist is completely baffled.)
Pharmacist: Um, sir? We don't have THOSE kinds of drugs here.
Customer: Those kinds of drugs? I don't understand what you mean. This is a drug store, isn't it?
Pharmacist: Yes, it is, but you see, we only sell prescription drugs here. Not stuff like cocaine and heroin.
Customer: Oh, I see. Well, I'll just go and then come back with a prescription, then.
Pharmacist: It wouldn't do any good, sir. We don't sell THOSE kinds of drugs here at all!
Customer: Not even with a prescription?
Pharmacist: Not even with a prescription.
Customer: It's not much of a drug store, is it? I can't believe you won't fulfill this simple little request. You can't even give me a little bit of cocaine?
Pharmacist: (getting frustrated) No, sir, we can't! Look, why don't you try some of these? (He points to a display near the counter.) Look- new Mint Skittles! The wonderful little food item that's both a candy and a breath freshener! I bet you'll like them better than any cocaine!
Customer: Don't give me that! I am absolutely stunned. Here you are, you claim to be the finest drug store in town, and you don't even carry the most popular items in your trade! You, sir, and your entire establishment are nothing but a sham, (the pharmacist is beginning to get very restless at this point) and I intend to see to it that everyone in here knows it! (He turns around and begins shouting to the other customers in the store.) Hey, everyone! I just want you to know that this jerk here-
Pharmacist: All right! Look, we may have some cocaine in the back! I'll have to get somebody to go check!
Customer: Well, thank you very much.
The pharmacist walks up to a coworker standing nearby. He whispers something to the coworker, who leaves promptly.
Pharmacist: He'll be right back with your drugs, sir.
Customer: That's more like it!
The coworker returns with a large plastic bag filled with white powder and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist turns and hands the bag to the man.
Pharmacist: Here you go, sir. Our deluxe cocaine jumbo pack! Only $1.99!
Customer: That's a very good deal, I must say! (He turns and begins to walk up to one of the nearby checkout counters. He becomes alarmed and stops suddenly.) Hey, wait a minute! This isn't cocaine! This is powdered sugar! You're trying to rip me off!
Pharmacist: No, no! It's cocaine! I swear it is! Look!
He grabs the bag and tears it open. He pours a little of the contents on the counter and sniffs them in the manner one sniffs cocaine. His eyes grow, and he begins to act disoriented.
Pharmacist: Woo! I'm so high right now! I'm high on cocaine! Oooh, I can see pretty colors! Oh, I see flying pixies and magic bears and... hey, there's Elvis! Hey, everyone, Elvis is here! Wooooooooooooooo!
Customer: You're not fooling anyone, you know.
Pharmacist: Yes, I am. Wooooooooooooooo!
Customer: Look, friend, I'll have you know that cocaine is a member of the narcotic family- not a hallucinogen! Cocaine doesn't distort the senses, it dulls them! You, being a supposedly knowledgeable pharmacist, should know that!
Pharmacist: I should, but what would I know? I'm high on cocaine! Wooooooooooooooo!
Customer: Oh, come off it! Now I've had just about enough of this! Not only are you giving me poor service, but you're trying to cheat me as well! You don't know who you're messing with, do you? (He pulls out a badge. The pharmacist stops acting high.) I'm an agent with the United States federal government, and if you don't give me some satisfaction, I'm going to have to report you to the head office!
Pharmacist: All right, all right, all right! You want drugs, I'll get you drugs! I've got a special supplier in Colombia. Hold on just a minute, and I'll have him deliver some cocaine at once! (The pharmacist picks up the phone and dials quickly.)
Caption on screen: Some time later...
Pharmacist: Ah, that'll be him, now.
The drug supplier enters in a frantic rush. He is wearing the uniform of a Colombian guerrilla fighter and is holding a gun. We hear the sounds of gunfire in the background. Out of breath, he hands the crate he is carrying to the pharmacist.
Supplier: (in very thick Latin accent) Here you go, man! Sorry it took so long, but the revolution was at a critical stage. We're just about to kill the filthy government pigs and I'm lucky I made it out alive! Oh! Here they come now!
He begins firing his gun frantically in all directions. Unfortunately, his efforts go for naught as he is promptly gunned down. A group of Colombian loyalists, dressed in military uniform, charge the counter. At the helm is their commander.
Commander: (in an even thicker Latin accent) I told you, Miguel, you'd never make it out of Colombia alive! Well, I guess I was wrong about that part, but you're still dead now, so who cares!
Customer: Um, excuse me! We happen to be doing a business transaction here! Could you take your little third world revolution someplace else, please
The commander gets a disapproving look on his face and calmly walks up to the man.
Commander: So... you do not approve of our little military squabble. I suppose you'd watch it if it were a monster truck rally on ESPN!
Customer: I won't let you talk to me like that, pal! I'll have you know that I work for the United States government!
Commander: Ah! One of the filthy capitalists himself! I think the time has come for us to destroy your puny little country and do away with your ineffectual capitalist government!
Customer: (in ultra-sarcastic voice) Oh, like Colombia is so much better! Oh, poverty and gunfire everywhere, that's the life for me! Well, look, pal! I'm going to get my "ineffectual capitalist government" down here and we're going to put the smackdown on yo' ass, bee-yatch!
Pharmacist: Oh, no! What have we started?
The customer and the commander begin shouting fiercely over top of each other's words. Finally, just as the argument reaches its most heated point, the commander notices the candy display and suddenly breaks off.
Commander: Ohh, new Mint Skittles! The wonderful little food item that's both a candy and a breath freshener! (turns to pharmacist) Have you got any spearmint?
Pharmacist: Sorry, we're fresh out of spearmint.
Commander: (becomes very angry) Out of spearmint? That's unacceptable!
He and the customer resume shouting at each other. The pharmacist turns resignedly to the camera.
Pharmacist: (goofily) Here we go again!
As the commander and the customer continue arguing, the scene fades to black. The words "THE END" appear on the screen. However, the screen begins scrolling a new message.
Caption: We would like to make it clear that we here at The Tony Hunter Show do not recommend or endorse drug use in any way. We would also like to remind you that drugs are also highly illegal. If the man in this sketch had been an actual government official instead of a comically exaggerated caricature, he would have arrested both the pharmacist and the drug supplier on the spot. But then, come to think of it, he was the one who made them bring the drugs up from Colombia in the first place... so I guess that would kind of make that entrapment... Um... on second, thought, never mind.
THE END
DT casting:
Customer: Clara
Pharmacist: Wooldoor
Drug supplier: Xandir
Colombian commander: Spanky