At least I tried.
Maggie didn't make it. I got a call to rush down to the hospital, that she had taken a turn for the worst and could go into cardiac arrest at any time. Luckily when we got there she had stabilized some, but we'd hit the point where we'd done everything we could possibly do. Unless we'd had much more money and could've consulted a specialist from the beginning, we really did all we could. She even got a plasma transfusion and time in an oxygen tank. It just wasn't humane to keep her alive any longer. Eric and I took a few minutes and we talked about how she loved to steal ponytail holders from me and keep them in her food bowl. She'd throw them around the kitchen for fun. I remembered how much she loved to jump on the dining room table and fight my father's wallet for some inexplicable reason. Crdit cards would end up all over the floor.
She was in such bad shape. I couldn't believe it.I had no idea she was so bad when we drove her from one emergency clinic to the other. They told us if they performed the spay she would most likely be fine. She spent the ride with her chin on my hands, her black eyes quietly staring at my face. Maggie seemed alright. That wasn't the case the last time we went to the hospital. She needed oxygen to stay comfortable.They were right, it was time to let go. They brought her to a room and she died in my arms. No one else in my family had the guts to be there, but there was never a question that I would.She was such a fighter, always a little bit of a spitfire, really. She fought until the very end. I am so proud of her.
I still feel so guilty for not taking her when I moved out, but Maggie and eric didn't click when they first met so I didn't push it. Maybe it is unreasonable let the guilt continue to eat me up, but I can't let it go yet. Just like how I can't shake the thought of her so sick and alone in the basement. No one deserves that. I get so angry and sad I can feel it solid in my stomach. I have no idea how to communicate this all to my mother. When I called to tell her that it was over she was like 'well I had no idea..' and the tone was not sorry enough. I literally never want to talk to her again.
Tomorrow I am seeing my friend Eric Lee off to the airport, then we have tickets to a matinée of Stephen Sondheim's Follies (a birthday present).I am such a huge Sondheim fan. Hopefully this will be a nice distraction. I would love to see people and do things right now instead of sitting at home being sad.
Thank you so so much for the support. It really means a lot to me that someone would care about me and my little cat.I have new friends and I want them to know that it isn't always sad times on my journal. Give me a little while to put myself back together and it will be all CAPSLOCK and stupid gifs again shortly.