Demons
Where to begin, after such a long time. More or less the same place. We don't change as much as we'd like to think, do we? I'm drinking a rum and coke, very strong. My knuckles are losing their redness, and I must remember to apologize to the Styrofoam wall in my cold room. I suddenly want to go for coffee with everyone I've ever known, individually. But not suddenly, not really. How best to explain this gap without some grand exposition? Uuuhm, let's try; Three and a half years pass... I feel like I'll be attempting to exercise my braggart gland by claiming a lot happened, but it's three and a half years, come on. For now (as if there will be something to follow this), I will say I'm now again living in Mississauga, which is to say that in that three and a half years, I mostly haven't. And now I'm back, and Christ. I sort of get it now; my former mindset. Though, unfortunately, that is because I feel haunted by it. It is as if my mind circa 17-20 years old is a ghost and it haunts this place and me, this different person.
I am happily embarrassed by the reason this (fucking) 'blog' exists, some impostor who mocks me through hindsight. To feel upset or true embarrassment would be like hating the fact that you tripped and fell when you were three. It was who I was on the pathway to now. Yikes, though.
And I thought he was gone. I knew parts of him continued on and remained as crucial threads inside who I thought I was today, but I didn't realize this pocket of past was hiding in there. I have the compulsions to go certain places, and i fear it is this demon called Lil Eric attempting to trick Big Eric into falling smack into a portal that traps him back in the mind of a 17 year old. Fucker. I could elaborate, but then I'd be repeating the same sins I committed back then.
My shames include specifics about people who were not myself, nor people who obviously read this fucking thing. But did anyway. That shame comes from the fact that I'm sickened by my own cowardice. This continues today, though I have learned greatly. I keep seeing
Andnkwswvwralhourshaveoassed,
I am happily embarrassed by the reason this (fucking) 'blog' exists, some impostor who mocks me through hindsight. To feel upset or true embarrassment would be like hating the fact that you tripped and fell when you were three. It was who I was on the pathway to now. Yikes, though.
And I thought he was gone. I knew parts of him continued on and remained as crucial threads inside who I thought I was today, but I didn't realize this pocket of past was hiding in there. I have the compulsions to go certain places, and i fear it is this demon called Lil Eric attempting to trick Big Eric into falling smack into a portal that traps him back in the mind of a 17 year old. Fucker. I could elaborate, but then I'd be repeating the same sins I committed back then.
My shames include specifics about people who were not myself, nor people who obviously read this fucking thing. But did anyway. That shame comes from the fact that I'm sickened by my own cowardice. This continues today, though I have learned greatly. I keep seeing
Andnkwswvwralhourshaveoassed,