Remember where you came from, remember what you are.
I know she's real again. Bucked me up. Chuck. Now I'm sweetie. I should probably over-analyze this. Call it Brechtian.
Enough of that. Is it a bad idea to take up one bad habit in the hopes that it will consume another? You ever eat toast plain? I am right now. Reminds me of youth for some reason. My jaw hurts lately. The right side when I apply pressure. You may remember a little while back I expressed my desire to own this shirt. Well I e-mailed my mother, who is currently in England, and jokingly asked her to look for it if ever she happens to stroll through the Oxford gift shop. Sure enough she responded, telling me that she had already been planning on going there the next day. Anyway, apparently she went and asked, and just my luck, they no longer make that design. Nowadays it's all sweatshirts and hoodies like you'd find in any college store. So now it is even more unlikely that I'll find it. I'm going to start to cruise the thrift stores nation wide to increase my chances.
The other day I received one of those chain letters from my roommate last year, this one about drunk driving. There was some no doubt sad but clicheed story, involving the death of innocents, yadda yadda yadda. I skipped through that to find the numbers 1-400 listed, and with names next to them. Now I refuse to go back and read the purpose of this list with these names, but I can only presume some jackass thought it would make a difference, and some idiots followed along. Okay out of furious rage I checked what the purpose of the names was, and it's even worse. It says that they want 4000 names (why that number, I'm not sure) so that they can send it to the Prime Minister. One of the funny parts of that is the void in logistics, that being that this was sent to me by a resident of Canada, and it was clearly started in the UK. From that, I guess the last idiot to add their name to this list is going to go beyond typing their own name, the extent of most peoples willingness to participate in a movement for change, and track down the Prime Ministers e-mail address. It's no hard task, takes about three clicks. He of course doesn't read them directly. As far as I can tell someone else reads them, and, if they are written in such a way to suggest post-elementary education they acknowledge it and tell you they will do there best to have the PMs attention drawn to the issue, if not that specific e-mail. I really don't see that happening in this case. But then again maybe this one's different. Maybe the screener will scroll through, read every name, and be touched. I know I was touched by number 372 on the list. Maybe you will be too. "Louise Bailey!! R.I.P 2 all dese innocent ppl wot died cuz ov all d ppl wot drink n drive!!" That says it all doesn't it. I don't even know if I want to get into how much this disgusts me. Sure there's the bad grammar, but that's just vernacular, one which even my own mother still uses elements of. But to spell it wrong too. You're going to use the word 'what' instead of 'who have,' okay, but at least respect yourself enough to spell 'what' properly. There are similar instances on the list, a few of which don't even mention the issue of drunk driving, they seem to be upset enough by "ppl who av died cos of others." I won't even get into that, since I've never received mail like this about allowing ones neighbors to be sent across the world to kill tens of thousands of third world citizens. There are also other examples of people who seem to only include their name so as to be heard, ie emily anderson ( da beastiest person eva ), or APRIL PRUST OF FARNLEY HERE BORED N JUST CHILLIN. But I digress. I sincerely hope that the Prime Minister, NO! All of the worlds leaders get their hands on this, and finally make drunk driving illegal. Then, FINALLY, something can be done about this. Did I mention how much of a moron my former roommate is?
Thank god I can now delete that.
So tell me. Can a person have a, quote unquote, Garden State-effect, without ever having been on medication in the first place? My answer is no, and that's a retarded question. But it gets my ball rolling for me. Up until just very recently I've been... Not well. Call it what you will and think of it what you may, I'll say nothing more about it than it was most likely much worse than I let on. Of course it pains me to say that because then we get into the whole Dramaturgical Approach to Symbolic Interactionism, which I'd rather not get into. Don't worry, I'm all over it. So anyway, I'm up, I'm down, always fighting to get something back. Get what back, I'm not so sure, therefore it's not the easiest of tasks. Then one day a few days ago I get out of class early, which is good because I didn't want to feel rushed to get to the Matt Good concert. Little did I know that had I left right then I still wouldn't have been first in line. Anyway, as I'm walking through the park I get this experience, one that I haven't gotten for years. I realize that this is what I was trying to get back. I'm looking around at things, and as I notice them they make me smile. I had a whole list of things that made me smile that day but I never posted them. I remember there was a squirrel, a brave goose who thinks he's a swan, some kids playing, my own breath, the gray cloudy sky, the fact that I was noticing all of these things, etc. I remembered that I used to love life, enough that to open my eyes was enough to fill me with a silent joy, but I'd lost that somewhere. I went home and just layed on my couch and let my CD finish, for the first time listening to the bonus remix that comes at the end. I never had because I'd thought it ruined the flow of the album before, which it does. I listened anyway, and enjoyed. I then passed out but fortunately awoke not too long after, but as a result was later than planned for the concert. That's a whole other story. So it's happened a few times since then, and in between these occurrences I've been markably happier. Why it even happened today! Now, both of these instances led me to question their emotional validity, because I am still uncertain whether they are brought on by external chemical effects which I won't get into. But sure enough, just now I tested it. I looked out my subterrainian window at the same run down house I see everyday, over to the same ugly street corner I see every day, and so on and so on. And it was all...good. Even the sound that only a fall 12:52 AM has reminded me of some time I felt separated from, that I now realized hadn't gone anywhere. I took cold air from the atmosphere, but was nice enough to replace it with nice warm toasty air. Even as I closed my window, I noticed my smiling reflection. Even writing all this. Well then. So I'm on the rise it would seem. I don't want to jinx it of course. I intend to see a doctor soon. I haven't in a long time, yet I pay for it constantly. He's going to help me not fall again, because that's no fun. Romantic, but no fun.
The doctor will also help me from dying. It seems I'm unhealthy in a way I hadn't previously figured, that being that I have dangerously high blood pressure. I have though previously suspected there was something wrong with my heart/circulation, so don't think this fucker got the best of me, I had it figured all along. You see when I do things that would get my juices flowing, parts of me get red or blotchy. One or two times I apparently turned purple. Similarly, when I try and talk in class I can feel myself becoming short of breath, and parts of me seem to heat up, my face in particular, which leads me to believe I'm turning red. It's been this way for a few years, and I'm guessing the two are connected. This has to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck. Don't know why. So you see why I my high blood pressure didn't sneak up on me, rather I saw it coming all along. So I'll go to the doctor, he'll tell me what's wrong with me, and I'll be better. Of course, these are the least of my problems, problems which I won't get into here. Problems which I believe may have helped contribute to my grand problems, so getting them fixed would be nice.
I need to clean up my desk.
Let it be known that I no longer do dishes unless asked because those before me didn't do their dishes. On days when it would be my duty to do so, I do my own. Until others live by the agreed upon system, I refuse to pick up their slack.
Enough of that. Is it a bad idea to take up one bad habit in the hopes that it will consume another? You ever eat toast plain? I am right now. Reminds me of youth for some reason. My jaw hurts lately. The right side when I apply pressure. You may remember a little while back I expressed my desire to own this shirt. Well I e-mailed my mother, who is currently in England, and jokingly asked her to look for it if ever she happens to stroll through the Oxford gift shop. Sure enough she responded, telling me that she had already been planning on going there the next day. Anyway, apparently she went and asked, and just my luck, they no longer make that design. Nowadays it's all sweatshirts and hoodies like you'd find in any college store. So now it is even more unlikely that I'll find it. I'm going to start to cruise the thrift stores nation wide to increase my chances.
The other day I received one of those chain letters from my roommate last year, this one about drunk driving. There was some no doubt sad but clicheed story, involving the death of innocents, yadda yadda yadda. I skipped through that to find the numbers 1-400 listed, and with names next to them. Now I refuse to go back and read the purpose of this list with these names, but I can only presume some jackass thought it would make a difference, and some idiots followed along. Okay out of furious rage I checked what the purpose of the names was, and it's even worse. It says that they want 4000 names (why that number, I'm not sure) so that they can send it to the Prime Minister. One of the funny parts of that is the void in logistics, that being that this was sent to me by a resident of Canada, and it was clearly started in the UK. From that, I guess the last idiot to add their name to this list is going to go beyond typing their own name, the extent of most peoples willingness to participate in a movement for change, and track down the Prime Ministers e-mail address. It's no hard task, takes about three clicks. He of course doesn't read them directly. As far as I can tell someone else reads them, and, if they are written in such a way to suggest post-elementary education they acknowledge it and tell you they will do there best to have the PMs attention drawn to the issue, if not that specific e-mail. I really don't see that happening in this case. But then again maybe this one's different. Maybe the screener will scroll through, read every name, and be touched. I know I was touched by number 372 on the list. Maybe you will be too. "Louise Bailey!! R.I.P 2 all dese innocent ppl wot died cuz ov all d ppl wot drink n drive!!" That says it all doesn't it. I don't even know if I want to get into how much this disgusts me. Sure there's the bad grammar, but that's just vernacular, one which even my own mother still uses elements of. But to spell it wrong too. You're going to use the word 'what' instead of 'who have,' okay, but at least respect yourself enough to spell 'what' properly. There are similar instances on the list, a few of which don't even mention the issue of drunk driving, they seem to be upset enough by "ppl who av died cos of others." I won't even get into that, since I've never received mail like this about allowing ones neighbors to be sent across the world to kill tens of thousands of third world citizens. There are also other examples of people who seem to only include their name so as to be heard, ie emily anderson ( da beastiest person eva ), or APRIL PRUST OF FARNLEY HERE BORED N JUST CHILLIN. But I digress. I sincerely hope that the Prime Minister, NO! All of the worlds leaders get their hands on this, and finally make drunk driving illegal. Then, FINALLY, something can be done about this. Did I mention how much of a moron my former roommate is?
Thank god I can now delete that.
So tell me. Can a person have a, quote unquote, Garden State-effect, without ever having been on medication in the first place? My answer is no, and that's a retarded question. But it gets my ball rolling for me. Up until just very recently I've been... Not well. Call it what you will and think of it what you may, I'll say nothing more about it than it was most likely much worse than I let on. Of course it pains me to say that because then we get into the whole Dramaturgical Approach to Symbolic Interactionism, which I'd rather not get into. Don't worry, I'm all over it. So anyway, I'm up, I'm down, always fighting to get something back. Get what back, I'm not so sure, therefore it's not the easiest of tasks. Then one day a few days ago I get out of class early, which is good because I didn't want to feel rushed to get to the Matt Good concert. Little did I know that had I left right then I still wouldn't have been first in line. Anyway, as I'm walking through the park I get this experience, one that I haven't gotten for years. I realize that this is what I was trying to get back. I'm looking around at things, and as I notice them they make me smile. I had a whole list of things that made me smile that day but I never posted them. I remember there was a squirrel, a brave goose who thinks he's a swan, some kids playing, my own breath, the gray cloudy sky, the fact that I was noticing all of these things, etc. I remembered that I used to love life, enough that to open my eyes was enough to fill me with a silent joy, but I'd lost that somewhere. I went home and just layed on my couch and let my CD finish, for the first time listening to the bonus remix that comes at the end. I never had because I'd thought it ruined the flow of the album before, which it does. I listened anyway, and enjoyed. I then passed out but fortunately awoke not too long after, but as a result was later than planned for the concert. That's a whole other story. So it's happened a few times since then, and in between these occurrences I've been markably happier. Why it even happened today! Now, both of these instances led me to question their emotional validity, because I am still uncertain whether they are brought on by external chemical effects which I won't get into. But sure enough, just now I tested it. I looked out my subterrainian window at the same run down house I see everyday, over to the same ugly street corner I see every day, and so on and so on. And it was all...good. Even the sound that only a fall 12:52 AM has reminded me of some time I felt separated from, that I now realized hadn't gone anywhere. I took cold air from the atmosphere, but was nice enough to replace it with nice warm toasty air. Even as I closed my window, I noticed my smiling reflection. Even writing all this. Well then. So I'm on the rise it would seem. I don't want to jinx it of course. I intend to see a doctor soon. I haven't in a long time, yet I pay for it constantly. He's going to help me not fall again, because that's no fun. Romantic, but no fun.
The doctor will also help me from dying. It seems I'm unhealthy in a way I hadn't previously figured, that being that I have dangerously high blood pressure. I have though previously suspected there was something wrong with my heart/circulation, so don't think this fucker got the best of me, I had it figured all along. You see when I do things that would get my juices flowing, parts of me get red or blotchy. One or two times I apparently turned purple. Similarly, when I try and talk in class I can feel myself becoming short of breath, and parts of me seem to heat up, my face in particular, which leads me to believe I'm turning red. It's been this way for a few years, and I'm guessing the two are connected. This has to do with the fact that I'm a nervous wreck. Don't know why. So you see why I my high blood pressure didn't sneak up on me, rather I saw it coming all along. So I'll go to the doctor, he'll tell me what's wrong with me, and I'll be better. Of course, these are the least of my problems, problems which I won't get into here. Problems which I believe may have helped contribute to my grand problems, so getting them fixed would be nice.
I need to clean up my desk.
Let it be known that I no longer do dishes unless asked because those before me didn't do their dishes. On days when it would be my duty to do so, I do my own. Until others live by the agreed upon system, I refuse to pick up their slack.