Happiness controls me
Of late I've been a mess. I haven't really expressed it on here very clearly, but I'm actually worried about my mental and physical health. I'm hoping that the physical is the egg, which as we all know, came before the chicken. But don't expect to see me on MSN and don't be surprised if my post rate on here changes. I don't want this becoming an pussy ass emo blog where I just come on here and cry. But I'm cutting myself and working out my head. As Mike would have noticed, my subject is a slightly altered NIN quote. You see, I've reached the point of depression where I no longer wish to associate with those lyrics like I once did. I know what it feels like to have someone who in my nothing, means everything to me. It's uncool and leads to border line obsession. If I'm going to re-attach myself to Something I Can Never Have it's not going to because because of my own personal and controllable problems this time. You won't hear about Rachel for a while here, if ever. I went to Western and had a good time overall, but things were different. May have been the timing, but I think it was me. I remember a time when I was carefree, and borderline insane in the good way. That part of me is still there, but I have to force him out. I don't have the energy to force him out anymore, so I intend to destroy whatever it is that's holding him back. I'm going to make myself happy again, and then start from scratch. So maybe I'll see you around. It seems overly ambitious, but I want to be right in the head by the time exams are over. My major concern is that no matter what happens, I will have still wrecked what at first appeared to be one of the best things to happen to me. I'm going to go and make myself physically feel better now and force feed myself then clean up my grill. Then I hope to sleep. This time I'm not just going to let it pass. I'm going to figure out the cause and beat it. And if I find out this is some bogus teenage faux depression thing, I'm going to kill myself to prove me wrong. That wouldn't really prove me wrong. Bye for now, I look forward to talking to you all soon, and hope that I can do so as an actual person.