THE PIRATE OF MIT
Idol Mini-Season 2024
Prompt 9: "It Ain't Bragging If It's True"
September 12, 2024
THE PIRATE OF MIT
The Massachusetts Institute of Technology is a beautiful campus bustling with bright students. It crackles with youthful mental energy. But all of this was lost on John Silver as he walked across it. He was busy contemplating his latest humiliation.
“Shouldn’t have done it,” he thought.
He knew there was no way out without suffering another personal disaster. It didn’t help that he was hung over.
“Got to see it through,” he thought as he plodded over to the Registration Office.
John was one of the brightest students at MIT and a computer genius. Even though he was only a junior, he taught a regular seminar on hacking secure government systems. His students were usually undercover agents from various governments and even a smattering of students hoping to take over the world. After the final, the government agents always arrested the evil geniuses.
His future was assured. After graduation, he would either go to work for the government in some deeply secret capacity or wind up buried in a supermax prison. Neither option really appealed to him. When he was a child, he had wanted to be a pirate and sail the seven seas in search of adventure and treasure, but no one had been hiring pirates for several centuries.
In short, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. He did know that he did not want to go to the Registration Office, but a dare was a dare, and he had been stupid enough to accept Chad’s challenge.
“Never brag,” he thought as he walked on. “Especially in front of a cute girl after drinking a few beers.”
The night before, he had gone to a party, which was unusual for him. John was shy, in part because he was usually the youngest person present. He was at home with ones and zeroes, but not with the complexities of a college party.
John had had several beers, which was also unusual for him, and he was sitting on the fringe of a group of students, all of whom had had much more to drink. They started talking about what, as children, they had wanted to be when they grew up. The answers were typical lies for future MIT students - mostly computer engineers and game designers. One wanted to be an influencer, but she was ignored.
Then John had made his first mistake - he told the truth.
“I wanted to be a pirate”
John learned an important lesson. Never open up about yourself in front of a group of drunken jerks. The insults came quick.
John panicked and learned another lesson: don’t dig yourself into a hole.
“I’m a direct descendent of Long John Silver. Piracy’s in my blood.”
“Quit bragging,” said Chad. “Your father sells real estate and your mother’s a teacher. The only thing in your blood is mediocrity.”
The others laughed.
“But it’s true,” John said.
“Not likely,” said Chad, “otherwise you’d be getting a Pirate Certificate.”
John felt trapped. The only way out was to go forward.
“I’m already in the pirate program,” he lied.
“Well, yo ho ho,” sneered Chad.
“To hell with you,” said John, who finally did something right. He left.
Linda, the cute girl who had been sitting near John, left at the same time.
“Don’t mind Chad,” she said. “He’s an asshole and everyone knows it.”
They took a few steps together.
“I said I wanted to be a lawyer, but I really wanted to be a cowboy. My great-great-whatever grandfather was Wild Bill Hickock.”
They took a few more steps, and before they knew it, they were having an actual conversation, which surprised both of them. It turned out that Linda was a history major. John asked for Linda’s phone number, which was a major step for him, and Linda gave it to him, which shocked them both.
“Maybe the pirate in me is waking up,” he thought as he headed home. “But it’s probably just the beer.”
MIT is an excellent STEM university, but buried deep in its class catalog is the Pirate Certificate. Some bored administrator had thought this would be a great way for students to complete the Physical Education & Wellness General Institute Requirement. This is how a bureaucrat says “let the kids have some fun.”
Strangely enough for a university, the requirements for the Pirate Certificate actually were fun. They included Archery, Fencing, Pistol (Air Pistol or Rifle) and Sailing (Pirate Ship). Classes were held on weekends and it usually took two years to earn the certificate.
The certificate wasn’t practical. The registration papers included the warning that “The MIT Pirate Certificate is for entertainment purposes only and does not give the recipient license to engage in piracy or any pirate activities.”
The pirate ships used in the program could generously be described as one-man boats with water cannons and Nerf guns. Flotation was frequently optional.
Pirate Ship Safely on Dry Land
“Fencing looks interesting,” thought John as he signed the Pirate’s Oath:
“I shall not steal from other pirates, and only steal from those who are not pirates. I shall be loyal to my crew members. I shall never torture anyone from MIT for mere pleasure.”
He was given a skull and crossbones sticker and an eye patch after paying his fee.
The first class was fencing, which started next Saturday. John had a noticeable spring in his stride as he left the Registration Office and he stood a little taller while humming “A Pirate’s Life for Me.”
Walking across campus, he crossed paths with Chad, who snickered and said “Yo ho ho, idiot.” John deflated to his normal self and just looked down as he passed Chad.
He enjoyed the first fencing class, especially because it was followed by coffee with Linda. The second class was even better, as was dinner with Linda.
John took fencing seriously, worked hard at it, and in a few weeks, he had learned the basics. He was the best student in the class. His spring was back.
Dates with Linda were also springing nicely.
He even felt confident enough to go to an end-of-semester party. Linda was with him, he could fence, and he was a pirate-in-training. He was having fun until Chad strutted into the party. Chad saw that John was holding Linda’s hand and bullied his way over.
In a burst of wit, Chad said “hey there Long Dong Silver, how’s it hanging?”
“Knock it off, asshole!” replied John.
“Tough words for a pirate,” said Chad, taking a few steps forward.
This brought a big laugh from the party-goers.
John started to back away, but this was too much.
“I may be a pirate, but you’re a bully. And this pirate challenges you to a duel, if you’re man enough.”
“What the . . .,” stammered Chad, suddenly confused.
“Swords at noon tomorrow at the Lawn,” said John. “I’ll bring the swords. First one to draw blood wins.”
“Duel, duel, duel,” shouted the drunken crowd.
“You’re on,” said Chad. “Prepare to bleed.”
As the group broke up, Chad said to one of his friends, “How hard can it be? He won’t show. No guts.”
But John did show up, carrying two sharp fencing swords. A large crowd had gathered. Linda gave John a kiss on the cheek for good luck.
John gave Chad his choice of swords, then saluted Chad with his sword, and walked back ten paces.
“Begin!” cried Linda.
The swords clashed. Chad waved his clumsily. John casually knocked Chad’s sword away, parrying each attempt. This went on for a few minutes as Chad grew more and more frustrated.
“Prepare to die!” said John.
He quickly knocked Chad’s sword out of his hand and carved a large bloody “J” on his forehead.
“Explain that scar for the rest of your miserable life,” said John and the crowd roared its approval.
“Never go up against a pirate,” he added as he turned his back on the humiliated Chad.
Linda ran up, and John gave her a long, lingering kiss, which did not surprise either one.
Later that night, after a romantic dinner, Linda unleashed her inner cowgirl. This surprised only John.
Whenever Chad saw John after the duel, he would quickly leave. The “J” on his forehead eventually healed, leaving a prominent scar. His awkward explanations cost him more than one job interview and he finally wound up as an anonymous IT guy for a soulless corporation.
John managed to avoid a supermax cell and had a long, highly classified career which cannot be revealed here.
And because pirates always get the girl, John and Linda married shortly after graduation. They lived happily ever after and never stopped surprising each other.
For their first wedding anniversary, Linda had John’s MIT Pirate Certificate framed. It hangs above their bed.
Linda went on to earn a Ph.D. in American History, specializing in the American West. She later taught at MIT.
After a lot of lobbying from Linda, MIT created the popular Gunslinger Certificate program. Linda was given the honorary first certificate and it hangs next to the Pirate Certificate.
It can be amazing what happens when a university lets its students have some fun. Some turn into pirates, others become gunslingers, but too many wind up as IT guys.
___________________________________________
I want to thank halfshellvenus for the inspiration for this story. She told me that MIT offered a pirate certificate, and the story grew from there.
The Pirate Certificate at MIT is real.
https://physicaleducationandwellness.mit.edu/about/pirate-certificate/
The song “A Pirate’s Life for Me” is from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpSasjHgIeg
Prompt 9: "It Ain't Bragging If It's True"
September 12, 2024
THE PIRATE OF MIT
The Massachusetts Institute of Technology is a beautiful campus bustling with bright students. It crackles with youthful mental energy. But all of this was lost on John Silver as he walked across it. He was busy contemplating his latest humiliation.
“Shouldn’t have done it,” he thought.
He knew there was no way out without suffering another personal disaster. It didn’t help that he was hung over.
“Got to see it through,” he thought as he plodded over to the Registration Office.
John was one of the brightest students at MIT and a computer genius. Even though he was only a junior, he taught a regular seminar on hacking secure government systems. His students were usually undercover agents from various governments and even a smattering of students hoping to take over the world. After the final, the government agents always arrested the evil geniuses.
His future was assured. After graduation, he would either go to work for the government in some deeply secret capacity or wind up buried in a supermax prison. Neither option really appealed to him. When he was a child, he had wanted to be a pirate and sail the seven seas in search of adventure and treasure, but no one had been hiring pirates for several centuries.
In short, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. He did know that he did not want to go to the Registration Office, but a dare was a dare, and he had been stupid enough to accept Chad’s challenge.
“Never brag,” he thought as he walked on. “Especially in front of a cute girl after drinking a few beers.”
The night before, he had gone to a party, which was unusual for him. John was shy, in part because he was usually the youngest person present. He was at home with ones and zeroes, but not with the complexities of a college party.
John had had several beers, which was also unusual for him, and he was sitting on the fringe of a group of students, all of whom had had much more to drink. They started talking about what, as children, they had wanted to be when they grew up. The answers were typical lies for future MIT students - mostly computer engineers and game designers. One wanted to be an influencer, but she was ignored.
Then John had made his first mistake - he told the truth.
“I wanted to be a pirate”
John learned an important lesson. Never open up about yourself in front of a group of drunken jerks. The insults came quick.
John panicked and learned another lesson: don’t dig yourself into a hole.
“I’m a direct descendent of Long John Silver. Piracy’s in my blood.”
“Quit bragging,” said Chad. “Your father sells real estate and your mother’s a teacher. The only thing in your blood is mediocrity.”
The others laughed.
“But it’s true,” John said.
“Not likely,” said Chad, “otherwise you’d be getting a Pirate Certificate.”
John felt trapped. The only way out was to go forward.
“I’m already in the pirate program,” he lied.
“Well, yo ho ho,” sneered Chad.
“To hell with you,” said John, who finally did something right. He left.
Linda, the cute girl who had been sitting near John, left at the same time.
“Don’t mind Chad,” she said. “He’s an asshole and everyone knows it.”
They took a few steps together.
“I said I wanted to be a lawyer, but I really wanted to be a cowboy. My great-great-whatever grandfather was Wild Bill Hickock.”
They took a few more steps, and before they knew it, they were having an actual conversation, which surprised both of them. It turned out that Linda was a history major. John asked for Linda’s phone number, which was a major step for him, and Linda gave it to him, which shocked them both.
“Maybe the pirate in me is waking up,” he thought as he headed home. “But it’s probably just the beer.”
MIT is an excellent STEM university, but buried deep in its class catalog is the Pirate Certificate. Some bored administrator had thought this would be a great way for students to complete the Physical Education & Wellness General Institute Requirement. This is how a bureaucrat says “let the kids have some fun.”
Strangely enough for a university, the requirements for the Pirate Certificate actually were fun. They included Archery, Fencing, Pistol (Air Pistol or Rifle) and Sailing (Pirate Ship). Classes were held on weekends and it usually took two years to earn the certificate.
The certificate wasn’t practical. The registration papers included the warning that “The MIT Pirate Certificate is for entertainment purposes only and does not give the recipient license to engage in piracy or any pirate activities.”
The pirate ships used in the program could generously be described as one-man boats with water cannons and Nerf guns. Flotation was frequently optional.
Pirate Ship Safely on Dry Land
“Fencing looks interesting,” thought John as he signed the Pirate’s Oath:
“I shall not steal from other pirates, and only steal from those who are not pirates. I shall be loyal to my crew members. I shall never torture anyone from MIT for mere pleasure.”
He was given a skull and crossbones sticker and an eye patch after paying his fee.
The first class was fencing, which started next Saturday. John had a noticeable spring in his stride as he left the Registration Office and he stood a little taller while humming “A Pirate’s Life for Me.”
Walking across campus, he crossed paths with Chad, who snickered and said “Yo ho ho, idiot.” John deflated to his normal self and just looked down as he passed Chad.
He enjoyed the first fencing class, especially because it was followed by coffee with Linda. The second class was even better, as was dinner with Linda.
John took fencing seriously, worked hard at it, and in a few weeks, he had learned the basics. He was the best student in the class. His spring was back.
Dates with Linda were also springing nicely.
He even felt confident enough to go to an end-of-semester party. Linda was with him, he could fence, and he was a pirate-in-training. He was having fun until Chad strutted into the party. Chad saw that John was holding Linda’s hand and bullied his way over.
In a burst of wit, Chad said “hey there Long Dong Silver, how’s it hanging?”
“Knock it off, asshole!” replied John.
“Tough words for a pirate,” said Chad, taking a few steps forward.
This brought a big laugh from the party-goers.
John started to back away, but this was too much.
“I may be a pirate, but you’re a bully. And this pirate challenges you to a duel, if you’re man enough.”
“What the . . .,” stammered Chad, suddenly confused.
“Swords at noon tomorrow at the Lawn,” said John. “I’ll bring the swords. First one to draw blood wins.”
“Duel, duel, duel,” shouted the drunken crowd.
“You’re on,” said Chad. “Prepare to bleed.”
As the group broke up, Chad said to one of his friends, “How hard can it be? He won’t show. No guts.”
But John did show up, carrying two sharp fencing swords. A large crowd had gathered. Linda gave John a kiss on the cheek for good luck.
John gave Chad his choice of swords, then saluted Chad with his sword, and walked back ten paces.
“Begin!” cried Linda.
The swords clashed. Chad waved his clumsily. John casually knocked Chad’s sword away, parrying each attempt. This went on for a few minutes as Chad grew more and more frustrated.
“Prepare to die!” said John.
He quickly knocked Chad’s sword out of his hand and carved a large bloody “J” on his forehead.
“Explain that scar for the rest of your miserable life,” said John and the crowd roared its approval.
“Never go up against a pirate,” he added as he turned his back on the humiliated Chad.
Linda ran up, and John gave her a long, lingering kiss, which did not surprise either one.
Later that night, after a romantic dinner, Linda unleashed her inner cowgirl. This surprised only John.
Whenever Chad saw John after the duel, he would quickly leave. The “J” on his forehead eventually healed, leaving a prominent scar. His awkward explanations cost him more than one job interview and he finally wound up as an anonymous IT guy for a soulless corporation.
John managed to avoid a supermax cell and had a long, highly classified career which cannot be revealed here.
And because pirates always get the girl, John and Linda married shortly after graduation. They lived happily ever after and never stopped surprising each other.
For their first wedding anniversary, Linda had John’s MIT Pirate Certificate framed. It hangs above their bed.
Linda went on to earn a Ph.D. in American History, specializing in the American West. She later taught at MIT.
After a lot of lobbying from Linda, MIT created the popular Gunslinger Certificate program. Linda was given the honorary first certificate and it hangs next to the Pirate Certificate.
It can be amazing what happens when a university lets its students have some fun. Some turn into pirates, others become gunslingers, but too many wind up as IT guys.
___________________________________________
I want to thank halfshellvenus for the inspiration for this story. She told me that MIT offered a pirate certificate, and the story grew from there.
The Pirate Certificate at MIT is real.
https://physicaleducationandwellness.mit.edu/about/pirate-certificate/
The song “A Pirate’s Life for Me” is from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpSasjHgIeg