Pay no attention. Turn that cheek.
Friday, February 25, 2005
3:15PM
Soooo I have a new boyfriend his name is Danger Dave and he is a rockstar...God help me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
4:34AM - ahhhhh trippin balls
so i just found out- just now that i've been pigging out on vikaden (sp?) jeeeez. i'm so sick that if i don't take medication i trip out. how wierd is that? but then again that's always been the case except NOW i'm really tweeking out. i'm like ultra- sensitive to everything, my head is pulsing and random parts of my body keep going numb. I can actually feel my heart, like woah. i can't miss anymore school cuz i ditch so much that if i get one more absense they are expelling me- well classifying me as a drop out- so indirectly kicking me out. that's lammmme. My dear Dave did coke last night for the first time, hmmmm that's cool. at least it made him feel like an intellectual so he tells me- that's rad. i just wish i was healthy, i'm so weak and frail. god, i'm freaked out, like i seriously feel as though i am dieing, which is cool for perspective and all, but just being well is such an occasion and that's not good. i sound like a fuckin tard, mmmmmm bo beep do wat doo do. i told dar he was a fuck face. welll he is. i watched company practicing in the aufitorium today and got real sad, i want to be preforming right now damn it. that and i really want to be in bed with dave. yeah pretty much. my hicky is going away and that makes me sad too, what a wonderous hicky it is. dave is truely talented- it's plain and simple. wow my throat feels nice, i can swallow at the moment!!!! it's amazing what i take for granted- just swallowing. wow-yeah didly dee do doo dat wha da i'm going to bed- fuck. hahaha just heard this i love you is 8 letters just like bullshit. heee heeee ha! haha ha hoooooooo
Monday, March 7, 2005
3:45AM
i fuckin miss dave- i just woke up because i'm alone in my bed. i seriously love him. we were walking in portland together this weekend and we were stopped a million times by people wanting to take our pictures and talk to us and tell us we're beautiful. i won't lie- it's GOOD to be with a rockstar.
Monday, March 14, 2005
7:45PM - AWKWARD
So I walked into Albertson's just about an hour or so ago and guess who I ran into? My beloved ex Weston. I was staring at the jelly pondering it's contents when I felt this strange sensation welling up inside of me. I didn't quite care because i am often anxious and get such feelings. But for some odd reason I recognized this certain feeling as how i feel right before I run into Wes. I suddenly looked up to find him looking at me. He came towards me and proclaimed aimiably "Hey! I know you!" Baffled as I was I uttered a weak oh my god... and we proceded to stare at one another. He put out his hand and i barely brushed it with mine. It was so queer. Then I just walked away pat him- all saucy and such. He called after me "Walking away now..." (haha that idiot, he might as well have said- PLEASE notice me!!!) I just glanced at him and kept walking, and he said goodbye to my back. The funny thing is I wasn't trying to be a bitch or anything- it was simply my automatic reaction to him. My heart was racing and I can barely remember exactly how I felt, I was just numb. It was truely surreal, him being so nice and all, after using me, ripping my heart out, telling me I look like a man ahaha. If either of us is gender confused it's him. oh lord, good times. k i got that out...phew.
[May. 9th, 2005|11:18 am]
SO Dede dumped me because he got BORED...
[May. 31st, 2005|10:55 pm]
U know what? John and I came to the realization today that we fuckin love JESUS and we're going to start changing our lives. We are eachother's support and that will bring us together in Christ- and you know what else? I think that's hot. So there. I love the Bush and I love the Jesus. End of story.
(HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA)
SO about Company results [Jun. 2nd, 2005|12:27 pm]
I am obviously disapointed.
But I would like to exclude myself from the majority of sobbing girls, destroyed by the fact that they don't posses talent and are blind to that. But by saying that- I am not including everyone who didn't make it, there were a few outstanding people who didn't make the cut. And also, I'm not taking anything away from the girls who DID make it- they are wonderful- well the to-be juniors at least. And obviously the girls who were already in company who are returning as seniors- I love you all. I'm just really let down, I feel like my talent isn't being acknowledged and that i'm wasting my time. I'm not ever returning to Lakeridege- the only reason I would have stayed was to be part of the company and drama programs. But as my asshole counselor has made painfully clear I just 'don't fit the mold at Lakeridge' Fuck um. I'm going on to better things. If they can't understand that I have Health issues and that I'
ve been partying to numb the pain and to give me energy and that I'm not throwing my life away, I'm trying to live, and that I'm not a fucking drug addict, then well...fuck um.
Furthermore- Lakeridge productions aren't half what they could be beause of how they cast. This last play was wonderful but anything goes? I mean COME ON! disgusting absolutely revolting. Britt, Marissa, Paul, Greg, Rachel, Marta, Olivia and John were fab but what the fuck? RENO? Hello she fucked the show in the ass. Maggs you should have been Reno whatever. I'm going to stop cuz I just think Lakeridge has sooooo much potential and talent but fuck, it's going to waste and not fully lived. It's so wrong.
[Jun. 26th, 2005|04:49 pm]
So I had a sleep over with Gay Chris and Justin last night. Hardcore make out is all i have to say.
What went wrong? [Oct. 5th, 2005|06:55 pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | You are the One ]
Here I am at my mom's house in LO, listenning to SHiny Toy Guns, trying for the umteenth time not to ball my eyes out.
I've been staying with Adriane and having the time of my life feeling wanted and wanting more of what I had and left behind.
We went to the square yesterday, I wore my make-up like I used to, like I just walked out of a Duran Duran Video. I spent time with Gay Chris and met an artist named Brea whom I am goign to colaberate with and do a fashion show. I am excited?
I would be if I wasn't in this house.
I am synthetic, I am a pathetic whore.
SO basicly I want to saty with Adriane, but my mom doesn't want her reputation soiled by my malicous speach so I may be heading off to San Diego to live with my Aunt, the lesbian.
I love my mom dearly, I'm sorry for exposing her... sometimes.
I miss everyone, I think about each person's face in my dreams, in real life. What is real? It feels as fake as a prep's gel bra or my false lashes.
I ended up at Adriane's because I got thrown out of The Agape Manor, the girls' home I was banished to in Vancouver Washington. I hate Vancouver- if it was a person, I'd stab it and piss on it's corpse.
I ended up at the Agape Manor because my dad kicked me out, he wasn't getting sex out of me so he went back to his wife, who in turn got rid of me.
People just hate truth, I am shunned because I keep to what I know to be my beliefs, and you know what? I'm sick of life.
Like I've said, if I am forced to move to San Diego, I will commit suicide in a white suit.
I am in love with an abomination, so help me God.
The end.
wow. [Nov. 29th, 2005|03:14 pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | ew! rap again! ]
i was just reading through my old lj. a lot of anonymouses hate me. that's a little bit depressing.
i feel so astranged, but i know i made it that way.
i am done with highschool tomarrow .yay. what's sort of REALLY VERY depressing is that my family doesnt care- like at all.
i feel almost as bad as i do when they dont get me a cake or take me out for my birthday.
i am so alone. no one should be this alone...
at least i have tony. tony who loves me. what the hell, i get into relationships and get proposed to after a week. it's unnerving.
i'm not getting married for a long time. i start to hate people. and then blah.
the saddest thing in the world is after you've been in love, like how i was with dave- everything is a re-run. guys say the SAME shit. they kiss the same. look the same in the dark. feel the same. and i feel the same.
love shouldn't feel the SAME.
i am heartbreak.
i am complete and utter sorrow.
[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:12 am]
I left my soul in the Ocean. I lift my eyes to the sky. My cigarette will be my beacon of hope, the smoke will be my oxygen. Paint the air with panicked breath, deplete this racing heart. End to lust, drink to indifference. All I feel is empathy
[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:20 am]
to Mikhel; to my Love,
you make me feel cheap.
i'm a worn out bed that's tasted your bat too many times. my sheets are torn, my springs have sprung.
you make me psychotic.
my wounds are caged animals you poke relentlessly. you provoke them by rattling their timeless bars.
i thought we could love eachother.
i wont have anyone but you.
i am a palm tree on a blue lit shore watching for your sails. both of us tossed, tormented by the wind.
i will wait for you.
my lips will settle to form a shapeless kiss, by any other mouth they'd be untrue.
why was i made to love you...
This one is for Tony... [Jan. 5th, 2006|02:44 am]
I've said it a hundred times before, but I'll say it until you believe me...
I'm so sorry for what I did.
You are the only guy who has ever treated me well.The only one who openly loved me without holding back.The only one who cared.
I'll never forget the night I graduated my GED and you were the one to congratulate me. You looked me in my tear filled eyes and told me it was a big accomplishment and that you were proud of me.
And instead of what i would have found in anyone else, in you I found support. You were proud of me when my own mother didn't care.
And when I cried you held me. You consoled me and kissed me. No one had ever done that. no one ever.
You didn't demean me, or hate me for my insecurities, you understood. And you loved me through it.
I hate myself Tony, I hate what I've done.
The truth is I've always loved you and I always will. I will never forget how you loved me.
But I can't live with you hating me. Please forgive me. NEVER have i asked for anyone's forgiveness like this, never have I felt so convicted of wrong. Please believe me. I never lied to you.
All I am is a pathetic broken girl... who loves you.
Pathetic.
I left you for Mikhel's lies, for the most awful person I have ever known.That alone is enough punishment. Facing the fact that I left you for a terrible bastard. But then I am plagued by thoughts of you hurting because of me. And then I have to deal with myself. All three things I can't escape.And the memories of our love.
If in any way you've thought that you've suffered alone, know that I've died many times over for how I was to you.
I never meant for that Tony, I didn't. Forgive me. Even though that's more than I deserve to ask of you. You already gave me more than anyone has...
more than I could have ever hoped for.
I deserve to be hated by you just as much as I hate myself.
But I still love you.
3:15PM
Soooo I have a new boyfriend his name is Danger Dave and he is a rockstar...God help me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
4:34AM - ahhhhh trippin balls
so i just found out- just now that i've been pigging out on vikaden (sp?) jeeeez. i'm so sick that if i don't take medication i trip out. how wierd is that? but then again that's always been the case except NOW i'm really tweeking out. i'm like ultra- sensitive to everything, my head is pulsing and random parts of my body keep going numb. I can actually feel my heart, like woah. i can't miss anymore school cuz i ditch so much that if i get one more absense they are expelling me- well classifying me as a drop out- so indirectly kicking me out. that's lammmme. My dear Dave did coke last night for the first time, hmmmm that's cool. at least it made him feel like an intellectual so he tells me- that's rad. i just wish i was healthy, i'm so weak and frail. god, i'm freaked out, like i seriously feel as though i am dieing, which is cool for perspective and all, but just being well is such an occasion and that's not good. i sound like a fuckin tard, mmmmmm bo beep do wat doo do. i told dar he was a fuck face. welll he is. i watched company practicing in the aufitorium today and got real sad, i want to be preforming right now damn it. that and i really want to be in bed with dave. yeah pretty much. my hicky is going away and that makes me sad too, what a wonderous hicky it is. dave is truely talented- it's plain and simple. wow my throat feels nice, i can swallow at the moment!!!! it's amazing what i take for granted- just swallowing. wow-yeah didly dee do doo dat wha da i'm going to bed- fuck. hahaha just heard this i love you is 8 letters just like bullshit. heee heeee ha! haha ha hoooooooo
Monday, March 7, 2005
3:45AM
i fuckin miss dave- i just woke up because i'm alone in my bed. i seriously love him. we were walking in portland together this weekend and we were stopped a million times by people wanting to take our pictures and talk to us and tell us we're beautiful. i won't lie- it's GOOD to be with a rockstar.
Monday, March 14, 2005
7:45PM - AWKWARD
So I walked into Albertson's just about an hour or so ago and guess who I ran into? My beloved ex Weston. I was staring at the jelly pondering it's contents when I felt this strange sensation welling up inside of me. I didn't quite care because i am often anxious and get such feelings. But for some odd reason I recognized this certain feeling as how i feel right before I run into Wes. I suddenly looked up to find him looking at me. He came towards me and proclaimed aimiably "Hey! I know you!" Baffled as I was I uttered a weak oh my god... and we proceded to stare at one another. He put out his hand and i barely brushed it with mine. It was so queer. Then I just walked away pat him- all saucy and such. He called after me "Walking away now..." (haha that idiot, he might as well have said- PLEASE notice me!!!) I just glanced at him and kept walking, and he said goodbye to my back. The funny thing is I wasn't trying to be a bitch or anything- it was simply my automatic reaction to him. My heart was racing and I can barely remember exactly how I felt, I was just numb. It was truely surreal, him being so nice and all, after using me, ripping my heart out, telling me I look like a man ahaha. If either of us is gender confused it's him. oh lord, good times. k i got that out...phew.
[May. 9th, 2005|11:18 am]
SO Dede dumped me because he got BORED...
[May. 31st, 2005|10:55 pm]
U know what? John and I came to the realization today that we fuckin love JESUS and we're going to start changing our lives. We are eachother's support and that will bring us together in Christ- and you know what else? I think that's hot. So there. I love the Bush and I love the Jesus. End of story.
(HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA)
SO about Company results [Jun. 2nd, 2005|12:27 pm]
I am obviously disapointed.
But I would like to exclude myself from the majority of sobbing girls, destroyed by the fact that they don't posses talent and are blind to that. But by saying that- I am not including everyone who didn't make it, there were a few outstanding people who didn't make the cut. And also, I'm not taking anything away from the girls who DID make it- they are wonderful- well the to-be juniors at least. And obviously the girls who were already in company who are returning as seniors- I love you all. I'm just really let down, I feel like my talent isn't being acknowledged and that i'm wasting my time. I'm not ever returning to Lakeridege- the only reason I would have stayed was to be part of the company and drama programs. But as my asshole counselor has made painfully clear I just 'don't fit the mold at Lakeridge' Fuck um. I'm going on to better things. If they can't understand that I have Health issues and that I'
ve been partying to numb the pain and to give me energy and that I'm not throwing my life away, I'm trying to live, and that I'm not a fucking drug addict, then well...fuck um.
Furthermore- Lakeridge productions aren't half what they could be beause of how they cast. This last play was wonderful but anything goes? I mean COME ON! disgusting absolutely revolting. Britt, Marissa, Paul, Greg, Rachel, Marta, Olivia and John were fab but what the fuck? RENO? Hello she fucked the show in the ass. Maggs you should have been Reno whatever. I'm going to stop cuz I just think Lakeridge has sooooo much potential and talent but fuck, it's going to waste and not fully lived. It's so wrong.
[Jun. 26th, 2005|04:49 pm]
So I had a sleep over with Gay Chris and Justin last night. Hardcore make out is all i have to say.
What went wrong? [Oct. 5th, 2005|06:55 pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | You are the One ]
Here I am at my mom's house in LO, listenning to SHiny Toy Guns, trying for the umteenth time not to ball my eyes out.
I've been staying with Adriane and having the time of my life feeling wanted and wanting more of what I had and left behind.
We went to the square yesterday, I wore my make-up like I used to, like I just walked out of a Duran Duran Video. I spent time with Gay Chris and met an artist named Brea whom I am goign to colaberate with and do a fashion show. I am excited?
I would be if I wasn't in this house.
I am synthetic, I am a pathetic whore.
SO basicly I want to saty with Adriane, but my mom doesn't want her reputation soiled by my malicous speach so I may be heading off to San Diego to live with my Aunt, the lesbian.
I love my mom dearly, I'm sorry for exposing her... sometimes.
I miss everyone, I think about each person's face in my dreams, in real life. What is real? It feels as fake as a prep's gel bra or my false lashes.
I ended up at Adriane's because I got thrown out of The Agape Manor, the girls' home I was banished to in Vancouver Washington. I hate Vancouver- if it was a person, I'd stab it and piss on it's corpse.
I ended up at the Agape Manor because my dad kicked me out, he wasn't getting sex out of me so he went back to his wife, who in turn got rid of me.
People just hate truth, I am shunned because I keep to what I know to be my beliefs, and you know what? I'm sick of life.
Like I've said, if I am forced to move to San Diego, I will commit suicide in a white suit.
I am in love with an abomination, so help me God.
The end.
wow. [Nov. 29th, 2005|03:14 pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | ew! rap again! ]
i was just reading through my old lj. a lot of anonymouses hate me. that's a little bit depressing.
i feel so astranged, but i know i made it that way.
i am done with highschool tomarrow .yay. what's sort of REALLY VERY depressing is that my family doesnt care- like at all.
i feel almost as bad as i do when they dont get me a cake or take me out for my birthday.
i am so alone. no one should be this alone...
at least i have tony. tony who loves me. what the hell, i get into relationships and get proposed to after a week. it's unnerving.
i'm not getting married for a long time. i start to hate people. and then blah.
the saddest thing in the world is after you've been in love, like how i was with dave- everything is a re-run. guys say the SAME shit. they kiss the same. look the same in the dark. feel the same. and i feel the same.
love shouldn't feel the SAME.
i am heartbreak.
i am complete and utter sorrow.
[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:12 am]
I left my soul in the Ocean. I lift my eyes to the sky. My cigarette will be my beacon of hope, the smoke will be my oxygen. Paint the air with panicked breath, deplete this racing heart. End to lust, drink to indifference. All I feel is empathy
[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:20 am]
to Mikhel; to my Love,
you make me feel cheap.
i'm a worn out bed that's tasted your bat too many times. my sheets are torn, my springs have sprung.
you make me psychotic.
my wounds are caged animals you poke relentlessly. you provoke them by rattling their timeless bars.
i thought we could love eachother.
i wont have anyone but you.
i am a palm tree on a blue lit shore watching for your sails. both of us tossed, tormented by the wind.
i will wait for you.
my lips will settle to form a shapeless kiss, by any other mouth they'd be untrue.
why was i made to love you...
This one is for Tony... [Jan. 5th, 2006|02:44 am]
I've said it a hundred times before, but I'll say it until you believe me...
I'm so sorry for what I did.
You are the only guy who has ever treated me well.The only one who openly loved me without holding back.The only one who cared.
I'll never forget the night I graduated my GED and you were the one to congratulate me. You looked me in my tear filled eyes and told me it was a big accomplishment and that you were proud of me.
And instead of what i would have found in anyone else, in you I found support. You were proud of me when my own mother didn't care.
And when I cried you held me. You consoled me and kissed me. No one had ever done that. no one ever.
You didn't demean me, or hate me for my insecurities, you understood. And you loved me through it.
I hate myself Tony, I hate what I've done.
The truth is I've always loved you and I always will. I will never forget how you loved me.
But I can't live with you hating me. Please forgive me. NEVER have i asked for anyone's forgiveness like this, never have I felt so convicted of wrong. Please believe me. I never lied to you.
All I am is a pathetic broken girl... who loves you.
Pathetic.
I left you for Mikhel's lies, for the most awful person I have ever known.That alone is enough punishment. Facing the fact that I left you for a terrible bastard. But then I am plagued by thoughts of you hurting because of me. And then I have to deal with myself. All three things I can't escape.And the memories of our love.
If in any way you've thought that you've suffered alone, know that I've died many times over for how I was to you.
I never meant for that Tony, I didn't. Forgive me. Even though that's more than I deserve to ask of you. You already gave me more than anyone has...
more than I could have ever hoped for.
I deserve to be hated by you just as much as I hate myself.
But I still love you.