More of the Past. Things that Last.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
3:33AM - God why am I up sooo fucking late?
I feel so damn CHEATED. My whole life I have had to kick and scream for the things I've wanted. I've had to slowly and painstakingly work my way to anywhere. Looking back I have struggled for so long and have wound up with absolutely nothing to show for it. I can't even begin to describe my strife and what it has felt like to fall time after time. I am aware of the fact that many people assume that my life is luxurius. They think that I can achieve things based on my TALENT. That I can win roles with my voice-but it's all BULL SHIT. Because of the advantages I was born with, because of how I look and how I sing, I am judged even more harshly. I am sooooo HEART BROKEN. Drama, Acting, Singing are my life. All I've ever wanted is to become a performer. But our FUCKING school is soooo DAMN POLITICAL. It's ALLLLL about God Damn POLITICS. What happenned to casting people based on talent? Where is the love for an art which should be executed by TRUE ARTISTS? Instead of doing this and putting on a spectacular show- we have these pricks on stage because they are on ASB or they are FAVORED. FUCK THAT SHIT. WHAT ABOUT PASSION?!?!?!?!?! ART?! ABILITY?!?!?!! Am I the only fucking person offended here? Just for the record- I delivered an amazing performance in auditions and I got the part in a huge fucking group of "PUBLIC ENEMIES". That's basicly the chorus. I feel completely ripped off, but not only because of the shit role that I got. I was not the only one who was cheated and all I have to say is that those Fucking directors have another thing coming.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
1:39PM - God No
Sammi just got sent away to California. I'm completely crushed.
11:12AM - Far is solace in the maddenning pace...311
Where does this emptiness lye among my lungs, that chokes my breath and alters my heart's rythmic beat? As I walk along past trees their subtle sighs kiss my face. Tears fall from heaven to join mine, God knows no one cries alone. My pain and defeat are His. Stumbling down a damp street, my mind is as cold as my feet. My blank expression alludes to the nothingness that has inhabited itself inside of me. My being is composed of nothing more than numb flesh and stagnant blood. Alone as always I make my way home. Dead limbs sway with the motion of my wayward stride. Gravity holds me down as I struggle to overcome the looming stairs I must climb. My house is dark, vacant and unwelcoming. My mother's words are a slap in the face that I can never be immune to. Unbearable pain sinks to my throat and chokes words before they can be uttered. I sputter a few syllables before the last of my strength is lost in a mad attempt to escape. My bed is an empty white blur, I loose myself in it's welcoming softness.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
9:23PM - How can I say this?
You
I didn't want to fall for you
but after one glance, what could I do?
From that first look I instinctively knew
what we felt happenned to few
Feelings I cannot subdue
while away I feel them too
Seeing love as completely new
how can I be without you?
-Ray
Monday, October 11, 2004
2:00PM - Canvas
My love was once a blank canvas. Smooth and white, bearing no marks to boast of or reflect upon. With the passing of time I slowly began to create. Every fluttering of my young heart produced a steam of color. My canvas was soon speckled with a smile here and a look there. Sweet thoughts exchanged between myself and another were displayed in vibrant arrays. But soon the colors faded and only a faint shade of pastel remained. With the dieing of each small love, only a stain was left. The excitement had been replaced with regret. My canvas looked as though I had tried in vain to completely remove what had been. Consumed by frustration I threw my canvas away from me, all of it's importance had diminished within me. I allowed anyone to contribute to the mess I had made. When I finally stopped long enough to gaze upon it, I was stricken by horror. Instead of art, it was nothing more than a ruined canvas. I ripped it out from inside my chest and I stuck it on a wall. I stepped back and I was disgusted with what I saw. Who had done all of this? I couldn't even recall the names of the men I had allowed to paint my heart. I murdered any love I had ever possessed that day. I ripped my canvas to pieces.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
5:20PM - Falling in love with your picture
I know your wrong for me
but what I feel is right
Your picture is so lovely
I hold unto it tight
What was meant to be carried out quickly
just might take all night
I peruse your face gently
I'll try to be polite
Your hair is brown and crazy
sweet eyes full of light
Their gaze a bit lazy
jaded by right
Lips full and sexy
I long for a bite
You strike my fancy
fill me with delight
Feel the same for me
and take me away tonight...
Saturday, October 23, 2004
10:46PM - state of mind
My dream was shallow
I dove in and cracked open my skull
Eyes rolled back
I gazed into my mind
There were colors unimagined
New sensations unexplored
Notes fluttered and spun
Lashes tinged with sweetness
Poetic verse swam in streams
Swallowed whole by dilated pupils
In the midst of beauty
There stood a boy
His eyes met mine
Caught in anticipated euphoria
I cried at his smile
His face familiar and loving
He fell away from my stare
Soaring down a chasm of bone
Tears pursued him
His cries tore away at the scenery
Desperate tides washed it all away
Bloodshot eyes stung by darkness
Loss hung on heavy lids
Sorrow enclosed them eternally
Resurrected in nothingness
There his memory bled through
It seeped in
And forever stained the black.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
8:40PM - Mental Condition
One small pill-
All I have to do is swallow and every emotion will instantaneously disapear. I'll want to live by killing myself. It seems so simple-so obviously wrong. But in less than thirty seconds I can annihilate all those painful thoughts that torment me relentlessly. Is it a sin to become cumbersome to yourself? If so I should crucify my habits with the consumption of this redemptive tablet. But if this is good and this is right, why do I feel like I'm committing a fallacy? White coats tell me it will help, that for the first time in my life I won't be haunted. My nightmares will cease -but so will my dreams. No... I can't. How could I throw away my life so cavalier? My future was not meant to be nonchalant. My mind hasn't been clear for days, how can something so small cause so much dissension within myself? GOD
7:05PM - Wish
Hidden amongst damp grass
a skeletal weed there grew
I blew that single dandi-lion
hoping only for you
Now I can only wish
that my dreams come true...
Thursday, October 28, 2004
10:13PM - I hate to bitch about love...
I swear - I am such a fuckin loser. Seriously I hate myself, or maybe it's jsut that I hate this world so much that I take it out on myself. Lately I've been feeling so UGLY and UNDESIRABLE. I swear I am so fed up with trying to survive when all I want to do is give up. It's like I'm trying to win this marathon and I'm malnutritioned and dieing but I just keep perserviring and the only outcome is that it's killing me. I feel so disadvantaged. All I do is try to develope relationships with shit heads I don't want anything to do with and the people I really want to be with are so wrapped up in their own lives that I feel intrusive. DAMN IT. I am soooo sick of living like this. I really hate to bitch about all this but I feel so hopeless and pained.
Monday, November 1, 2004
2:38PM - Elative Dreamland
This revolution in my mind, the maddening rapture from despair, is nothing short of miraculous. I have waited in dysphoria, hapless and dieing. i have reaped the fruit of a no-man's land, becoming myself dead and barren. last night left my heart fluttering in frantic jubilation. Even today as gray skies hung above me and showered down condescending drops of affliction, my smile remained savvy. For most, the rain emerges an ever-present feeling of dread. Until recently I would have partaken in the pessimistic view and agreed, but today, as bewitching as it was, I perceived everything differently. The dull colorless scenery exposed the vibrancy of the crimson and pumpkin leaves as they lay delicately withering in elegance. The menacing clouds were now a bedazzlement of swirling shadows and each drop they graciously offered was an omen of good fortune. An encore of joy has sprung up in my soul and I feel as though I have struck a pocket of heaven on earth.
Thursday, November 4, 2004
10:35PM - SAMMY
THIS ENTRY IS FOR SAMMY-
I have too many magnanimous memories with you to count and recall them all. But one of my favorites was when your mom had just found out about you and Pat and I came over. We sat atop your red car and enjoyed the brilliance of that night. Remember how content we were? It is hard for me not to cry right now thinking back on how radically we have changed since then. There we were, talking about everything, and the topic of friendship came up. We both agreed that our friendship was astounding, both of us so different yet with so much love between us. Yes, we disagreed on just about every political issue, but not once was that a hindrance to us. I made that analogy of how it was as if you and I live on separate sides of a field, but there was this tree that represented life in the middle and we joined together and ate from it in harmony. We each delighted in our different fruits and laughed together-we would always laugh. But now- so obscurely and abruptly, that is all past. What happenned? It seems as though you have felt this way for awhile now and have been holding it back. I wish we could just talk like how we used to. You know me well enough to know that I won't be rash, I absolutely will not judge you, I love you too much. And Sammy I have got to say that this has left me feeling completely crushed, I miss you so much. I couldn't even begin to express how dear you are to me, and I would never intentionally piss you off. Maybe all of this was good, perhaps I needed to understand how you felt better. But truely there are better ways of expressing yourself to me Sammy. I'm still "your neighbor" you can tell me anything. The issue now is if you want to. I think -and tell me if I'm wrong- that what I believe offends you deeply because you think that all I care about is the shallow things in life-that I don't think about the starving, homeless, unfortunate people. The thing is, I do, it makes me feel as terrible as I feel now-and that's saying a lot. I love you with all of my heart Sammy. You know that I don't cry over people and such but I have cried about you numerous amounts of times. And by saying this I mean heart-felt, gut wrenching sobs, and this was due to the fact that I thought I had lost you. Does that mean anything to you? How do you feel? I haven't seen you for the past couple of days and we desparately need to work this out, please-even if you are done being my friend and are repulsed by my views and behavior, at least tell me in person. I believe in change like you, I believe in improvment, in progress, in the love and compassion for others. I just deal with it differently than you. And by saying that I am not saying that I'm right and you're not. The bottom line is that I have loved very few people as deeply as I love you in my entire life and I would HATE to loose you. However, it feels as though I already have and it's killing me. Also if you are reading this and you understand what I am saying (cuz obv you will) and don't want to have a relationship with me anymore-I can respect that and back completely off. But until I recieve an answer I am not going to give up on trying to figure out why this is all happenning, because to be completely honest, I am a bit lost here. So please shine some light on this and tell me how you feel. Een if it's going to hurt-I want the truth. I LOVE YOU SAMMY AND I ALWAYS WILL - NO MATTER WHAT.
2:36PM - To all whom I have offended...
I want to say that if I offend you by stating my beliefs then you contradict yourself. YOU believe in democracy, equality, freedom of speech and expression just as I do. Yet by looking at our actions, it is quite clear who is wrong. You cannot profess something and not live it. If I told all of you that I love Jesus and His laws and yet supported the issues that He clearly states as wrong such as: abortion, homosexuality, hatred and rebellion, I would be a complete HYPOCRITE. But still you say I am wrong to be against these things. You all RIOT against WAR. You can't stomach the fact that we are at war to improve our country so you wage it at school and on our streets? You bring it all the way across the sea and into our faces? What sense does that make? I am NOT IGNORANT. If you disagree with me that is a separate issue. I would like you to acknowledge the fact that amist all of the insults you have hurled at me, I have intelligently argued each issue you have commented on in my LJ. May I ask what kind of an IGNORANT person can debate against you? Now really you are putting yourselves to shame. That, just there, is exactly my point. I don't have the intention of making this a personal issue with anyone, I have nothing to prove to any of you. But if I HAVE said anything that hasn't been proved true by the comments left on my last entry I would like them brought to my attention. I wouldn't want you to be inconvenienced by my misunderstanding of what you have against me. Again by posting this entry I am trying to show you and others how ridiculous this all is and how you have allowed hatred to create WAR yourselves against fellow human beings. Politics aren't about dehumanizing your friends who have contrasting views. I would like to say that many of my liberal friends have openly discussed their views with me and as a result of our stimulating talks we have become closer by our understanding of each other.
3:33AM - God why am I up sooo fucking late?
I feel so damn CHEATED. My whole life I have had to kick and scream for the things I've wanted. I've had to slowly and painstakingly work my way to anywhere. Looking back I have struggled for so long and have wound up with absolutely nothing to show for it. I can't even begin to describe my strife and what it has felt like to fall time after time. I am aware of the fact that many people assume that my life is luxurius. They think that I can achieve things based on my TALENT. That I can win roles with my voice-but it's all BULL SHIT. Because of the advantages I was born with, because of how I look and how I sing, I am judged even more harshly. I am sooooo HEART BROKEN. Drama, Acting, Singing are my life. All I've ever wanted is to become a performer. But our FUCKING school is soooo DAMN POLITICAL. It's ALLLLL about God Damn POLITICS. What happenned to casting people based on talent? Where is the love for an art which should be executed by TRUE ARTISTS? Instead of doing this and putting on a spectacular show- we have these pricks on stage because they are on ASB or they are FAVORED. FUCK THAT SHIT. WHAT ABOUT PASSION?!?!?!?!?! ART?! ABILITY?!?!?!! Am I the only fucking person offended here? Just for the record- I delivered an amazing performance in auditions and I got the part in a huge fucking group of "PUBLIC ENEMIES". That's basicly the chorus. I feel completely ripped off, but not only because of the shit role that I got. I was not the only one who was cheated and all I have to say is that those Fucking directors have another thing coming.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
1:39PM - God No
Sammi just got sent away to California. I'm completely crushed.
11:12AM - Far is solace in the maddenning pace...311
Where does this emptiness lye among my lungs, that chokes my breath and alters my heart's rythmic beat? As I walk along past trees their subtle sighs kiss my face. Tears fall from heaven to join mine, God knows no one cries alone. My pain and defeat are His. Stumbling down a damp street, my mind is as cold as my feet. My blank expression alludes to the nothingness that has inhabited itself inside of me. My being is composed of nothing more than numb flesh and stagnant blood. Alone as always I make my way home. Dead limbs sway with the motion of my wayward stride. Gravity holds me down as I struggle to overcome the looming stairs I must climb. My house is dark, vacant and unwelcoming. My mother's words are a slap in the face that I can never be immune to. Unbearable pain sinks to my throat and chokes words before they can be uttered. I sputter a few syllables before the last of my strength is lost in a mad attempt to escape. My bed is an empty white blur, I loose myself in it's welcoming softness.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
9:23PM - How can I say this?
You
I didn't want to fall for you
but after one glance, what could I do?
From that first look I instinctively knew
what we felt happenned to few
Feelings I cannot subdue
while away I feel them too
Seeing love as completely new
how can I be without you?
-Ray
Monday, October 11, 2004
2:00PM - Canvas
My love was once a blank canvas. Smooth and white, bearing no marks to boast of or reflect upon. With the passing of time I slowly began to create. Every fluttering of my young heart produced a steam of color. My canvas was soon speckled with a smile here and a look there. Sweet thoughts exchanged between myself and another were displayed in vibrant arrays. But soon the colors faded and only a faint shade of pastel remained. With the dieing of each small love, only a stain was left. The excitement had been replaced with regret. My canvas looked as though I had tried in vain to completely remove what had been. Consumed by frustration I threw my canvas away from me, all of it's importance had diminished within me. I allowed anyone to contribute to the mess I had made. When I finally stopped long enough to gaze upon it, I was stricken by horror. Instead of art, it was nothing more than a ruined canvas. I ripped it out from inside my chest and I stuck it on a wall. I stepped back and I was disgusted with what I saw. Who had done all of this? I couldn't even recall the names of the men I had allowed to paint my heart. I murdered any love I had ever possessed that day. I ripped my canvas to pieces.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
5:20PM - Falling in love with your picture
I know your wrong for me
but what I feel is right
Your picture is so lovely
I hold unto it tight
What was meant to be carried out quickly
just might take all night
I peruse your face gently
I'll try to be polite
Your hair is brown and crazy
sweet eyes full of light
Their gaze a bit lazy
jaded by right
Lips full and sexy
I long for a bite
You strike my fancy
fill me with delight
Feel the same for me
and take me away tonight...
Saturday, October 23, 2004
10:46PM - state of mind
My dream was shallow
I dove in and cracked open my skull
Eyes rolled back
I gazed into my mind
There were colors unimagined
New sensations unexplored
Notes fluttered and spun
Lashes tinged with sweetness
Poetic verse swam in streams
Swallowed whole by dilated pupils
In the midst of beauty
There stood a boy
His eyes met mine
Caught in anticipated euphoria
I cried at his smile
His face familiar and loving
He fell away from my stare
Soaring down a chasm of bone
Tears pursued him
His cries tore away at the scenery
Desperate tides washed it all away
Bloodshot eyes stung by darkness
Loss hung on heavy lids
Sorrow enclosed them eternally
Resurrected in nothingness
There his memory bled through
It seeped in
And forever stained the black.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
8:40PM - Mental Condition
One small pill-
All I have to do is swallow and every emotion will instantaneously disapear. I'll want to live by killing myself. It seems so simple-so obviously wrong. But in less than thirty seconds I can annihilate all those painful thoughts that torment me relentlessly. Is it a sin to become cumbersome to yourself? If so I should crucify my habits with the consumption of this redemptive tablet. But if this is good and this is right, why do I feel like I'm committing a fallacy? White coats tell me it will help, that for the first time in my life I won't be haunted. My nightmares will cease -but so will my dreams. No... I can't. How could I throw away my life so cavalier? My future was not meant to be nonchalant. My mind hasn't been clear for days, how can something so small cause so much dissension within myself? GOD
7:05PM - Wish
Hidden amongst damp grass
a skeletal weed there grew
I blew that single dandi-lion
hoping only for you
Now I can only wish
that my dreams come true...
Thursday, October 28, 2004
10:13PM - I hate to bitch about love...
I swear - I am such a fuckin loser. Seriously I hate myself, or maybe it's jsut that I hate this world so much that I take it out on myself. Lately I've been feeling so UGLY and UNDESIRABLE. I swear I am so fed up with trying to survive when all I want to do is give up. It's like I'm trying to win this marathon and I'm malnutritioned and dieing but I just keep perserviring and the only outcome is that it's killing me. I feel so disadvantaged. All I do is try to develope relationships with shit heads I don't want anything to do with and the people I really want to be with are so wrapped up in their own lives that I feel intrusive. DAMN IT. I am soooo sick of living like this. I really hate to bitch about all this but I feel so hopeless and pained.
Monday, November 1, 2004
2:38PM - Elative Dreamland
This revolution in my mind, the maddening rapture from despair, is nothing short of miraculous. I have waited in dysphoria, hapless and dieing. i have reaped the fruit of a no-man's land, becoming myself dead and barren. last night left my heart fluttering in frantic jubilation. Even today as gray skies hung above me and showered down condescending drops of affliction, my smile remained savvy. For most, the rain emerges an ever-present feeling of dread. Until recently I would have partaken in the pessimistic view and agreed, but today, as bewitching as it was, I perceived everything differently. The dull colorless scenery exposed the vibrancy of the crimson and pumpkin leaves as they lay delicately withering in elegance. The menacing clouds were now a bedazzlement of swirling shadows and each drop they graciously offered was an omen of good fortune. An encore of joy has sprung up in my soul and I feel as though I have struck a pocket of heaven on earth.
Thursday, November 4, 2004
10:35PM - SAMMY
THIS ENTRY IS FOR SAMMY-
I have too many magnanimous memories with you to count and recall them all. But one of my favorites was when your mom had just found out about you and Pat and I came over. We sat atop your red car and enjoyed the brilliance of that night. Remember how content we were? It is hard for me not to cry right now thinking back on how radically we have changed since then. There we were, talking about everything, and the topic of friendship came up. We both agreed that our friendship was astounding, both of us so different yet with so much love between us. Yes, we disagreed on just about every political issue, but not once was that a hindrance to us. I made that analogy of how it was as if you and I live on separate sides of a field, but there was this tree that represented life in the middle and we joined together and ate from it in harmony. We each delighted in our different fruits and laughed together-we would always laugh. But now- so obscurely and abruptly, that is all past. What happenned? It seems as though you have felt this way for awhile now and have been holding it back. I wish we could just talk like how we used to. You know me well enough to know that I won't be rash, I absolutely will not judge you, I love you too much. And Sammy I have got to say that this has left me feeling completely crushed, I miss you so much. I couldn't even begin to express how dear you are to me, and I would never intentionally piss you off. Maybe all of this was good, perhaps I needed to understand how you felt better. But truely there are better ways of expressing yourself to me Sammy. I'm still "your neighbor" you can tell me anything. The issue now is if you want to. I think -and tell me if I'm wrong- that what I believe offends you deeply because you think that all I care about is the shallow things in life-that I don't think about the starving, homeless, unfortunate people. The thing is, I do, it makes me feel as terrible as I feel now-and that's saying a lot. I love you with all of my heart Sammy. You know that I don't cry over people and such but I have cried about you numerous amounts of times. And by saying this I mean heart-felt, gut wrenching sobs, and this was due to the fact that I thought I had lost you. Does that mean anything to you? How do you feel? I haven't seen you for the past couple of days and we desparately need to work this out, please-even if you are done being my friend and are repulsed by my views and behavior, at least tell me in person. I believe in change like you, I believe in improvment, in progress, in the love and compassion for others. I just deal with it differently than you. And by saying that I am not saying that I'm right and you're not. The bottom line is that I have loved very few people as deeply as I love you in my entire life and I would HATE to loose you. However, it feels as though I already have and it's killing me. Also if you are reading this and you understand what I am saying (cuz obv you will) and don't want to have a relationship with me anymore-I can respect that and back completely off. But until I recieve an answer I am not going to give up on trying to figure out why this is all happenning, because to be completely honest, I am a bit lost here. So please shine some light on this and tell me how you feel. Een if it's going to hurt-I want the truth. I LOVE YOU SAMMY AND I ALWAYS WILL - NO MATTER WHAT.
2:36PM - To all whom I have offended...
I want to say that if I offend you by stating my beliefs then you contradict yourself. YOU believe in democracy, equality, freedom of speech and expression just as I do. Yet by looking at our actions, it is quite clear who is wrong. You cannot profess something and not live it. If I told all of you that I love Jesus and His laws and yet supported the issues that He clearly states as wrong such as: abortion, homosexuality, hatred and rebellion, I would be a complete HYPOCRITE. But still you say I am wrong to be against these things. You all RIOT against WAR. You can't stomach the fact that we are at war to improve our country so you wage it at school and on our streets? You bring it all the way across the sea and into our faces? What sense does that make? I am NOT IGNORANT. If you disagree with me that is a separate issue. I would like you to acknowledge the fact that amist all of the insults you have hurled at me, I have intelligently argued each issue you have commented on in my LJ. May I ask what kind of an IGNORANT person can debate against you? Now really you are putting yourselves to shame. That, just there, is exactly my point. I don't have the intention of making this a personal issue with anyone, I have nothing to prove to any of you. But if I HAVE said anything that hasn't been proved true by the comments left on my last entry I would like them brought to my attention. I wouldn't want you to be inconvenienced by my misunderstanding of what you have against me. Again by posting this entry I am trying to show you and others how ridiculous this all is and how you have allowed hatred to create WAR yourselves against fellow human beings. Politics aren't about dehumanizing your friends who have contrasting views. I would like to say that many of my liberal friends have openly discussed their views with me and as a result of our stimulating talks we have become closer by our understanding of each other.