Letters To You
Title: Letters To You
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing(s): Remus/Sirius, Remus/Tonks
Rating: PG-13 for language.
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling. All recognisable characters/locations/situations belong to her, not to me. No copyright infringement intended. No money is being made from this.
Warnings: Swearing, angst, vague mentions of suicide
Short Summary: File 2376. To be placed in the coffin of Mr. Sirius Black upon it’s refilling, in accordance with the wishes of Mr. Harry James Potter.
Notes: Unbetad, and my first ever HP fic. Be gentle with me xx
2nd July, 1996
It was your funeral today. You’ve been dead for two weeks now and you’re still all the prophet can talk about.
The Order, on the other hand, haven’t even mentioned you. They all creep around me like I’m about to explode any moment. I’ve had Tonks patting me on the back every time she walks past. It’s quite unnerving. I suppose it is my own fault. She found me in your room the day after you died.
Not the one you’ve been staying in, but the one you grew up in. The one you used to sneak me and James and Peter into while Regulus kept watch. The one that’s filled with all your stupid teenage stuff and still, even though I’m pretty sure you haven’t been in it for years, smells like you.
She caught me wrapped up in all the blankets on your bed hugging your pillow. If you’d have been there you probably would have laughed at me for being so silly. I just couldn’t help it. I needed to get away from everybody else. I needed to mourn. I fucking deserve it.
I think everyone expected me to be used to death. After all, I’ve been in this war before, I’ve lost friends before, why should this be any different?
But it is different. It’s a nightmare. And now Tonks has told everyone what she saw and they’re all treating me like a child.
The whole fucking funeral was organised without me. Tonks and Molly did it instead, collecting up a whole load of crap from the house to fill the coffin with. None of it meant anything. They put your school robes in there; a set I think you must have grown out of in our first year. You were a short bugger then. They didn’t know about the set you’ve got stashed under your bed covered in suspicious stains, reeking of firewiskey and in need of four buttons. I remember that night, right at the end of our fifth year. We hadn’t discovered the wonders of the cleaning charm yet and you were terrified of whichever house elf you had at the time telling your mother. James probably could have helped, being such a charms swot, but I seem to recall that you didn’t enlighten them on our private activities until well into our sixth year.
I have to admit, the out-ing was pretty funny. I didn’t really see the funny side then, mostly because I was already getting an earful from James about something (I forget what. It was probably about Lily). Shouting, “Hey, sometimes I fuck him,” down the stairs in answer to his, “Are you fucking serious?!” wasn’t the most tactful thing you’ve ever done.
I suppose it’s not their fault. They probably think they’re doing me a favour by taking the responsibility off my shoulders. It’s just, if Arthur had died in the Ministry, his wife and his children would have dealt with it. He wouldn’t have had a woman he almost never got on with and a cousin he only really likes because of the mutual hatred of the rest of their family.
It should have been me and Harry doing it all. Possibly with Andromeda, but only because I know you love her and she’d be much better at picking out funeral flowers.
If I’d told them, they probably would have let me do it. I guess I’m just not as brave as you.
I’m sorry Pads.
* * * * * * *
December 25st 1996
Tonks is a nightmare. She’s fawning.
I don’t know what to do Pads. If you were here, I know you’d send her packing. I wish I was stronger, I really do, but you were always the one to get stuff done.
What the fuck am I supposed to do without you? I’ve resorted to all these excuses but, to be honest, it’s exhausting.
Merlin, I’m pathetic.
Merry fucking Christmas.
* * * * * * *
June 30th 1997
It’s been a year. I’ve felt every second of it.
I’m not alone any more. Or, at least, I have somebody. I feel just as shitty as last year.
Dora wore me down. I can’t call her Tonks anymore.. I can’t be reminded that she’s the woman you used to muck about with in Order meetings. The woman who’s got just a little bit of you in her. If I do, I feel like the biggest bastard in the world. I’m using her, plain and simple.
I’m trying though, honest I am. Dora is my attempt to get over you, if that’s even possible. I’m not stupid, I know that this is unhealthy. No one in their right mind writes letters to their dead lover and hides them under the floorboards.
But that’s just the thing. I’m not in my right mind. And I’m not sure I ever will be.
* * * * * * *
July 19th 1997
Today was my wedding day. It was a small ceremony. Just us in this tiny room.
I kept imagining you would burst through the doors to tell Dora to get her hands off me. You didn’t.
I didn’t propose. Not really. It was just the war panic and everyone fucking asking about it. And the baby.
Dora’s pregnant. No idea how the fuck that happened.
I shouldn’t be starting a family with her. That’s not how it’s supposed to go. I should have got down on one knee when James joked about it at his reception. I should have remembered my fucking potion and your name should have been cleared and we should have lived together with Harry until he met the love of his life too. We should have banished Kreacher to Hogwarts and made him stay there. We should have died in each other’s arms 50 years from now, when we’re old and grey and can’t do anything but smile at each other.
* * * * * * *
May 1st 1998
We’re going back to Hogwarts. Teddy, my son is staying with his grandmother. We’re going to fight with Harry and the Order.
He called me a coward. I was only trying to help. I was trying to look after him for you. He called me a coward and said I was abandoning my family. I don’t have a family. I’ve got a wife that doesn’t know me and a son created in a lie. But Harry was right. I am a coward.
But today I’m going to be brave. I’m going to go to Hogwarts and I’m going to be of some use. If I can, I’ll find Bellatrix Lestrange and wring the retched life out of her. I know revenge isn’t good, but fuck it. I’ve been living in pain for two years. She needs a taste of it. Maybe I should go after Rudolphus first. If I don’t get to her, someone else surely will.
And who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe someone will get to me. Maybe I’ll be seeing you again soon, my love.
* * * * * * *
File 2376. To be placed in the coffin of Mr. Sirius Black upon it’s refilling, in accordance with the wishes of Mr. Harry James Potter.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing(s): Remus/Sirius, Remus/Tonks
Rating: PG-13 for language.
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling. All recognisable characters/locations/situations belong to her, not to me. No copyright infringement intended. No money is being made from this.
Warnings: Swearing, angst, vague mentions of suicide
Short Summary: File 2376. To be placed in the coffin of Mr. Sirius Black upon it’s refilling, in accordance with the wishes of Mr. Harry James Potter.
Notes: Unbetad, and my first ever HP fic. Be gentle with me xx
2nd July, 1996
It was your funeral today. You’ve been dead for two weeks now and you’re still all the prophet can talk about.
The Order, on the other hand, haven’t even mentioned you. They all creep around me like I’m about to explode any moment. I’ve had Tonks patting me on the back every time she walks past. It’s quite unnerving. I suppose it is my own fault. She found me in your room the day after you died.
Not the one you’ve been staying in, but the one you grew up in. The one you used to sneak me and James and Peter into while Regulus kept watch. The one that’s filled with all your stupid teenage stuff and still, even though I’m pretty sure you haven’t been in it for years, smells like you.
She caught me wrapped up in all the blankets on your bed hugging your pillow. If you’d have been there you probably would have laughed at me for being so silly. I just couldn’t help it. I needed to get away from everybody else. I needed to mourn. I fucking deserve it.
I think everyone expected me to be used to death. After all, I’ve been in this war before, I’ve lost friends before, why should this be any different?
But it is different. It’s a nightmare. And now Tonks has told everyone what she saw and they’re all treating me like a child.
The whole fucking funeral was organised without me. Tonks and Molly did it instead, collecting up a whole load of crap from the house to fill the coffin with. None of it meant anything. They put your school robes in there; a set I think you must have grown out of in our first year. You were a short bugger then. They didn’t know about the set you’ve got stashed under your bed covered in suspicious stains, reeking of firewiskey and in need of four buttons. I remember that night, right at the end of our fifth year. We hadn’t discovered the wonders of the cleaning charm yet and you were terrified of whichever house elf you had at the time telling your mother. James probably could have helped, being such a charms swot, but I seem to recall that you didn’t enlighten them on our private activities until well into our sixth year.
I have to admit, the out-ing was pretty funny. I didn’t really see the funny side then, mostly because I was already getting an earful from James about something (I forget what. It was probably about Lily). Shouting, “Hey, sometimes I fuck him,” down the stairs in answer to his, “Are you fucking serious?!” wasn’t the most tactful thing you’ve ever done.
I suppose it’s not their fault. They probably think they’re doing me a favour by taking the responsibility off my shoulders. It’s just, if Arthur had died in the Ministry, his wife and his children would have dealt with it. He wouldn’t have had a woman he almost never got on with and a cousin he only really likes because of the mutual hatred of the rest of their family.
It should have been me and Harry doing it all. Possibly with Andromeda, but only because I know you love her and she’d be much better at picking out funeral flowers.
If I’d told them, they probably would have let me do it. I guess I’m just not as brave as you.
I’m sorry Pads.
* * * * * * *
December 25st 1996
Tonks is a nightmare. She’s fawning.
I don’t know what to do Pads. If you were here, I know you’d send her packing. I wish I was stronger, I really do, but you were always the one to get stuff done.
What the fuck am I supposed to do without you? I’ve resorted to all these excuses but, to be honest, it’s exhausting.
Merlin, I’m pathetic.
Merry fucking Christmas.
* * * * * * *
June 30th 1997
It’s been a year. I’ve felt every second of it.
I’m not alone any more. Or, at least, I have somebody. I feel just as shitty as last year.
Dora wore me down. I can’t call her Tonks anymore.. I can’t be reminded that she’s the woman you used to muck about with in Order meetings. The woman who’s got just a little bit of you in her. If I do, I feel like the biggest bastard in the world. I’m using her, plain and simple.
I’m trying though, honest I am. Dora is my attempt to get over you, if that’s even possible. I’m not stupid, I know that this is unhealthy. No one in their right mind writes letters to their dead lover and hides them under the floorboards.
But that’s just the thing. I’m not in my right mind. And I’m not sure I ever will be.
* * * * * * *
July 19th 1997
Today was my wedding day. It was a small ceremony. Just us in this tiny room.
I kept imagining you would burst through the doors to tell Dora to get her hands off me. You didn’t.
I didn’t propose. Not really. It was just the war panic and everyone fucking asking about it. And the baby.
Dora’s pregnant. No idea how the fuck that happened.
I shouldn’t be starting a family with her. That’s not how it’s supposed to go. I should have got down on one knee when James joked about it at his reception. I should have remembered my fucking potion and your name should have been cleared and we should have lived together with Harry until he met the love of his life too. We should have banished Kreacher to Hogwarts and made him stay there. We should have died in each other’s arms 50 years from now, when we’re old and grey and can’t do anything but smile at each other.
* * * * * * *
May 1st 1998
We’re going back to Hogwarts. Teddy, my son is staying with his grandmother. We’re going to fight with Harry and the Order.
He called me a coward. I was only trying to help. I was trying to look after him for you. He called me a coward and said I was abandoning my family. I don’t have a family. I’ve got a wife that doesn’t know me and a son created in a lie. But Harry was right. I am a coward.
But today I’m going to be brave. I’m going to go to Hogwarts and I’m going to be of some use. If I can, I’ll find Bellatrix Lestrange and wring the retched life out of her. I know revenge isn’t good, but fuck it. I’ve been living in pain for two years. She needs a taste of it. Maybe I should go after Rudolphus first. If I don’t get to her, someone else surely will.
And who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe someone will get to me. Maybe I’ll be seeing you again soon, my love.
* * * * * * *
File 2376. To be placed in the coffin of Mr. Sirius Black upon it’s refilling, in accordance with the wishes of Mr. Harry James Potter.